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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dd to pay for own flight?

386 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 09:16

We're planning a 3 week trip abroad next year. Dd1 will have just turned 19 and will be living at home while studying. She has a part time job earning roughly £200 a month.

We've decided that she should contribute the £600 for her flight and we'll pay food, accommodation and days out expenses.

I mentioned this to a friend with a dd of the same age and she seemed astonished that we would ask for a contribution.

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

What does everyone think and how have you dealt with the situation of taking older children on holiday?

OP posts:
Oldraver · 16/02/2016 11:06

My Mum made me pay £180 holiday I HAD to go on when I was 17 and earning £30 per week. My Gran paid for half of it in the end. She also kept half my spending money to pay for the cattery. But then my Mum is a spiteful little shit

I felt it was mean and would never do that to my child...the choice is yours

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/02/2016 11:07

Leaving the DS at home causes no issues for the OP as he doesn't babysit, not having her eldest DD with her means no babysitter on tap for three weeks.....

PeppermintPatty1 · 16/02/2016 11:08

Ellnew Why on earth split this equally between you all when everyone's ability to pay out clearly significantly differs?

scribblegirl · 16/02/2016 11:10

The rule with my parents when I was her age; if you're studying, the family will support you and include you in family holidays etc. If you're working, you need to contribute.

Quite simple really!

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 16/02/2016 11:15

ELLENEW that sounds like a funny arrangement - your 17 year old had to save up 750 pounds to pay her share to go on holiday with you for her 18th birthday, and you later slightly reduced her debt to you for her birthday treat because saving up that amount was making her ill? Confused

gamerchick · 16/02/2016 11:22

You obviously think you're right so why are you asking?

Personally i would just ask her to take some spends.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 16/02/2016 11:23

Oldraver blimey :(

MidniteScribbler · 16/02/2016 11:28

Wow, this sounds awful to me. I could never imagine excluding a child of mine because they weren't able to pay three months salary to pay for the trip.

My father paid for several trips for me to travel with him when I was in my university/early working years. I couldn't have afforded them otherwise, but because he paid, we were able to have those trips away together. He passed away when I was 28, and those holidays mean more to me than anything else. If he'd tried to make me pay, then I wouldn't have been able to go, and I would have missed such wonderful experiences with my dad.

If my son, when he is 18+ is willing to go on holidays with me, then I'd pay for it. I'd rather pay for a trip with him, than try and force him to pay from his hard earned wages for a trip I wanted, and him choose to go elsewhere. If I've got an 18+ year old that wants to spend time with me, then I'd be certainly willing to facilitate that by paying for an airfare.

CalleighDoodle · 16/02/2016 11:30

ELNEW i dont think you come off as well as you think you do in that post. Hmm

Treating everybody fairly is not the same as treating everyone the same.

Millliii · 16/02/2016 11:31

If I wanted my daughter to come on a family holiday with us then I would pay for her. That's it really.

SheSparkles · 16/02/2016 11:32

Stop trying to justify it-you're being tight.

My dad is about the same age...she had driving lessons for her 17th birthday-all the way till she passed her test, which took 2 goes.
We DO receive child benefit so clearly have a lower income than you.
If our kids come on a family holiday, we pay, because, you know, family....
If I was being made to pay a large proportion of a holiday with my parents, damn sure I wouldn't be sharing a room with a sibling no matter their age.

Drip feed all you like, YABU, tightfisted and mean

twofingerstoGideon · 16/02/2016 11:34

My DD is same age as OP and earns roughly the same. Would I ask her to pay towards holiday? No.
Would I expect her to pay for her own shopping and extravagant cocktails when we're there? Yes.
I would foot the bill for flights, accommodation, meals, etc.
It sounds like I have very much less disposable income than the OP, but I really would not expect my DD to fund herself on a family holiday.

MrsMac74 · 16/02/2016 11:35

£600?! Ouch! What a meany. AND she helps with childcare? I think you should be paying her, not the other way around. I'm slightly relieved you've actually had the sense to ask if you're being unreasonable. But worried you may have already damaged your relationship with your daughter. If my Mum had put me in the same position aged 19, I'd still hold a grudge now - and I'm 41!!

Lightbulbon · 16/02/2016 11:35

Is elder dd you dp's child?

9 year age gap and not being treated like a 'full' family member...

MaidOfStars · 16/02/2016 11:43

I'm nearly 40 and my parents still pay for me and my husband to go on holiday with them every couple of years or so. This is because:

  1. They like our company when they are away.
  2. We wouldn't necessarily choose to go to the places they want to visit.
  3. Main reason: They want me to do all the organising.

They want us to join them, they pay. Same rule for us when we want to treat them - we invite, we pay. Holidays, dinners, whatever. I have just organised a special trip for my Dad's 70th - my mum and I are splitting the entire bill. This means that my brother and a family friend are getting a freebie (as is my Dad. obviously). But we wanted to do it, so we're not going to ask my brother to cough up.

This thread baffles me. It's so different to how my family and friends work.

mouldycheesefan · 16/02/2016 11:44

Why does the son get compensated if he decides not to go on the holiday but the daughter has to pay her own fare? What is the reason for that? Wonder how dd feels about that!
Just choose a less expensive holiday that you can afford for the whole family to come on.
It is fine to tell the girls they need to share a room on Holiday. The other arrangements are not fine though.

ELLNEW1698 · 16/02/2016 11:46

I'm not trying to come across as anything, we can't afford to pay for the whole holiday and it was my dd's idea to split it, I reduced the payment because a combination of things are making her ill her job is one of them. She has diagnosed anxiety disorder, as well as ADHD and suffered trama last year, I want her to quit her job as I think she is being taken advantage of.

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 11:46

All children belong to dh and I. We would have preferred them all closer together in age but it didn't happen that way.

OP posts:
AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/02/2016 11:48

Care to answer any of the questions OP?

5Hearts · 16/02/2016 11:49

I paid for my own holidays/school trips from age 16 onwards because my parents couldn't afford to pay for me (or themselves, so it was with friends/school rather than with them) and I was completely financially independent from them from Freshers week onwards.

Whilst there were some positives to the above I won't repeat it for my own DC (unless our circumstances change). There are absolutely no grudges because there was no choice and I was proud of paying my own way (with the help of a full grant/easily available part-time work and no tuition fees). I am pretty sure I would feel a grudge now if my parents expected me to pay part of a family holiday, beyond spending money, when I was still in full time education if they could afford it.

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 11:50

I'm answering as many as I can

OP posts:
notonyurjellybellynelly · 16/02/2016 11:51

My daughter is 17 and my Son is 18, my daughter is in full time education and my son is in college. They both have part time jobs my daughter earns £5 an hour (very underpaid for what she does but that's another story) she doesn't have set hours and the amount she earns varies greatly. My son on the other hand earns more and has a steadier job working with his dad my husband. For my DD's 18th I came up with the idea of going abroad as the last time was when she was 9, she loved the idea and together we picked somewhere and chose all inclusive. I t was decided we would split the bill equally between the 4 of us £750 each. At first she managed to get the payments in on time and regularly but then her hours started decreasing, things came up and due to health problems she is really struggling. She owes about £380 however I told her all she had to pay was £100 because its really putting strain on her and her health

This ^ surely has to be a tongue in cheek reply to the OP?

But for the life of me I cannot see that it would be real.

landrover · 16/02/2016 11:51

Saving thread to see if OP ever answers any questions! Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2016 11:52

I'll try again-what do you think of everyone saying you shouldn't charge £600?

MaidOfStars · 16/02/2016 11:52

Why did you compensate your son for staying at home (giving him the value of the holiday he didn't take up) but will charge your daughter for taking up a holiday offer?