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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dd to pay for own flight?

386 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 09:16

We're planning a 3 week trip abroad next year. Dd1 will have just turned 19 and will be living at home while studying. She has a part time job earning roughly £200 a month.

We've decided that she should contribute the £600 for her flight and we'll pay food, accommodation and days out expenses.

I mentioned this to a friend with a dd of the same age and she seemed astonished that we would ask for a contribution.

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

What does everyone think and how have you dealt with the situation of taking older children on holiday?

OP posts:
cheeeseplease · 16/02/2016 10:53

Why does your son get money for not going on holiday with you but your daughter has to pay to go.

This! Why the double standards? Please answer the question!! I wouldn't be too impressed if I was your daughter. I would cover the cost of everything but ask that she brings her own spending money.

Corygal1 · 16/02/2016 10:53

My parents tried this one on me. Having naturally paid for my brother (22) entirely.

They announced the joy of a family holiday when I arrived at Senior Cory Towers with a cake I'd made for my mother's birthday, and cooked them a huge roast lunch, presents, flowers etc. I was so pleased and happy - unbeknownst to them, I had just been diagnosed with crippling depression. I could really have used a break.

But they told me, knowing I had 32 pounds a week to live on, I could come if I paid for myself. No holiday for me.

boredofusername · 16/02/2016 10:54

I'd see a trip to Singapore and NZ as educational as well as an amazing trip and want all my children to have the same opportunity to go. You don't know if your 19 year old will ever be in a position to do something like this again, she might be working too hard, have kids, have a sick husband, not have the earning power, anything. Don't make it hard for her, take her and enjoy her company and the opportunities you are giving her and your other kids.

Owllady · 16/02/2016 10:54

:o titchy

CalleighDoodle · 16/02/2016 10:54

It is very mean. And it seems like the money youre getting off your daughter is going straight to your son.

Will you daughter be compensated financially if she decides not to go? Was an interesting question.

My parents are paying for two holidays for me this year. Im nearly 40! I did manage to phone up and get almost a third of the cost knocked off one though so technically...

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/02/2016 10:54

So the lesson to the DD is not bother working or helping out as you'll be penalised for it.

Not only does the son not have to pay he's given a decent amount for missing out whilst never having to babysit Mum is a student so someone else is paying for her.

At least she has a decent work ethic and will hopefully escape soon. Poor girl, imagine being told you're only good enough to be included in a family trip if you pay for a ticket.

FinallyHere · 16/02/2016 10:55

OP, have you shown your daughter this thread. Please do.

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 10:55

We'll have to get a bigger place if dd comes because she won't share with dd9.

OP posts:
PeppermintPatty1 · 16/02/2016 10:56

If your daughter stays home will you give her and your son money to stay at home like you did for him before?

I can't believe you think this is ok.

YABU

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 10:56

Dd9 would love to share with her!

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 16/02/2016 10:57

Tut ally agree, not one person on here has said it's reasonable but still the op comes back justifying it.

Lightbulbon · 16/02/2016 10:57

If you can afford £2400 just for you and dps flights for one holiday when you go on 2/3 a year you are obviously a very wealthy family.

Your dd is going to hate you when she realises how hard done by she's been compared to how other families share their wealth.

Since you favour your ds is he getting a bigger inheritance too?

Lweji · 16/02/2016 10:58

Do you actually want her to go?

I'd pay for her to go, but she'd have to share with her sister. Or she could pay the difference.

EweAreHere · 16/02/2016 10:59

Your DD1 lives at home and helps out at home with your youngest, she's still a dependent, she's studying to try to ensure a better future for herself, and she's taken on a part time job to help cover her expenses while she's studying. You want her to stump up 3 months of her piddly income to go on a family holiday. You know she's not rolling in it, as you're still helping out with pocket money.

Your DS1, who is older than DD1, so further down the road into adulthood, doesn't help out, and you actually pay him when he doesn't want to go on holidays or days out with you.

Do you like your DD1? Because it looks like you're playing favourites from what you've written.

If I was DD1, I wouldn't want to go anywhere with you at this point. I would probably be saving furiously so I could move out as soon as I'd finished school, too.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/02/2016 11:00

Put the youngest in with you and give the eldest her room. You won't need a bigger room then. She really is the least favourite isn't she.

Stumbletrip40 · 16/02/2016 11:01

I wonder if the real issue is that you would rather your DD didn't come, because it's adding to your costs. So in fact maybe you should offer your DS's deal to your DD to pay a token amount to her if she DOESN'T come - if you're asking (unreasonably) for £600 which is only half the flight, then you could offer her £300 instead to stay home and everyone wins. It's still not clear if you really do pay extra for babysitting or just expect the £20 pw pocket money covers that.

IguanaTail · 16/02/2016 11:01

Why aren't you answering any questions OP? You're just dropping in the odd additional sentence. We're not charging you for commenting you know.

ELLNEW1698 · 16/02/2016 11:01

My daughter is 17 and my Son is 18, my daughter is in full time education and my son is in college. They both have part time jobs my daughter earns £5 an hour (very underpaid for what she does but that's another story) she doesn't have set hours and the amount she earns varies greatly. My son on the other hand earns more and has a steadier job working with his dad my husband. For my DD's 18th I came up with the idea of going abroad as the last time was when she was 9, she loved the idea and together we picked somewhere and chose all inclusive. I t was decided we would split the bill equally between the 4 of us £750 each. At first she managed to get the payments in on time and regularly but then her hours started decreasing, things came up and due to health problems she is really struggling. She owes about £380 however I told her all she had to pay was £100 because its really putting strain on her and her health.

MamaBear98 · 16/02/2016 11:01

Personally I don't think she should have to pay for that herself as she's still young and deserves to be treated like the rest of the family...Confused

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2016 11:02

Why aren't you answering any questions OP?

Indeed. Hmm

Stumbletrip40 · 16/02/2016 11:03

I can see that they're paying DS to stay home because taking the extra older children with them actually costs more money than leaving them at home. I wonder why it didn't occur to you to leave DD at home and pay her for that?

You could look at this as DD is getting a bigger financial subsidy by choosing to go on the holidays, and this contribution is trying to recognise that (but this contribution is too high relative to what DD can afford).

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/02/2016 11:04

It's quite saddening how some people treat their children the moment they turn 18. How awful to think you have to pay to see family at special times, which paying for a place on holiday or meal in a restaurant boils down too.

I get they are adults and need to stand on their own feet but if you invite you pay. I'd not dream of inviting friends over for a meal, b&q or local restaurant and saying it's lovely you want to take up my invite that will be x £s please. Awful manners.

She must feel well and truly pushed out, let's hope she's strong and doesn't let the treatment by her parents shape the rest of her life.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 16/02/2016 11:05

I wouldn't go. I live alone and have a very small salary. I don't spend 600 quid on holidays all year. Did she get the same all amount of say about where you're going and what you're doing?

I wouldn't be surprised if she soon doesn't want to associate herself with you or your pfb. You essentially bought him a computer to not go on holiday, but want her to have no money at all for 3 months to go away and probably help look after her sister?

Lweji · 16/02/2016 11:06

And your older DS (so, over 18 at the time, presumably) who chooses not to go with you on holiday gets the holiday money which allows him to buy a computer?

His choice not to have gone away with you.
How old is he now? Over 20? Still living at home? Does he have a job?

Doingmyheadin2016 · 16/02/2016 11:06

I earn way more than my dad and he paid for me to go on holiday with the family just for the pleasure of it. And I was in my 40s Grin.