Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

[deerman]

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

But it doesn't mean no contact with your Dad. Call your Dad to ask him to meet you alone for coffee, tell him your mother is dead to you but you want to keep in (in fairness pitiful) contact with him. If he knows the whole story and he is reasonable he will agree.

This is your mother's fault. If you don't stand up to get you will ruin your relationship with your wife, she will, quite rightly, lose respect for you

I understand what your saying I should cut contact with my mum but that also means no contact with my dad. Who has done a lot for me as he supported me through my education and my carrers when I was younger.

No, it doesn't.

What your mother said to your wife is unforgivable. You are a father now, how would you feel if someone said that to your DD when she's bigger?

Your father, like you, has to make his own decisions. You have to protect your family - your wife and your daughter - and you are entirely reasonable to tell your mother she is not welcome this week, that you and your wife (not "DW" - both of you) consider her action unforgivable and you wish to have no contact with her for the forseeable future.

What your father does with that decision is entirely down to him. He has a choice. He can say "You don't see your mother = you don't see me" if he wishes, but that's his choice. You have to make your choice for the sake of your family.

If you Dad has any love and respect for you and your DD then he'll understand why you simply cannot have a woman who would do and say such vile things in her life.

Also your father is not blameless in this whole saga - he also turned up on your doorstep uninvited.

I'd tell your dad that he is welcome to see the baby but he will need to leave your mother at the hotel as she is no longer welcome after her poisonous words to your wife.

You and your wife sound like you are very patient people - you've done well to grow up so well adjusted if she was like this with you when you were growing up.

I feel sorry for your dad who is losing everyone because of his mental wife. Actually describing her as mental isn't right. I've got mh problems and in no way would I ever behave like your mum.

Talk to your dad. And reassure your wife that she doesn't need to ever sed your mum again. And do t let your child near her, she will poison her as she gets older.

How you and your brother survived a childhood with her I don't know.

What you need to do is what your brother has done.Your DW and DD are your family,you chose them so bloody stand up for them.

Honestly if you put your Mother before your DW and DD you will be saying Goodbye to your marriage and your relationship with your new born daughter!
I have friends and a relative that left they're partners for very similar and the Dad's all lost they're OH's and haven't been able to have contact with any of they're children since.

If your Father wants to see you all and can act normally fine but your Mothers behaviour is unhinged and I honestly don't think your DW or your DD are safe with her around!

Also your father, and any visitors, should only be welcome this week if your wife is up to it.

She's had a traumatic birth and major abdominal surgery. She was then abused in her own home in a deliberately targeted way at a time when she probably feels the loss of her family even more acutely than on a normal busy day.

She should be your no1 focus right now.

It will mean no contact with my dad because if we aren't in contact with my mum then he will side with her and we won't talk to him either.

I'm struggling to believe this. However, if it is true, I really think you need to make sure they keep well away, those comments immediately after a traumatic birth with your poor DWs hormones all over the place anyway, could be seriously damaging.

Well that's his choice isn't it. You need to make your choice and that should be your wife and daughter.

lala is right, your wife is bound to be very shaken up on top of the trauma of the birth and surgery. Don't worry about your dad or your mum's feelings. Worry about your wife and your dd.

OP, then he's made the decision for you. You CANNOT have your mother in your life. If he wants to enable her awful behaviour, then that's his choice. You can't control that.

It will mean no contact with my dad because if we aren't in contact with my mum then he will side with her and we won't talk to him either.

That's his choice, that's not a reason for you to allow your mother to treat your wife like she has.

He has a choice to make with regard to supporting his wife. Just like you do.

I can't believe anyone could actually say what your mum said. It's just too awful. If she said that she should rot in hell. Your dad is enabling this behaviour
Your dw is recovering from a major operation and has a newborn to look after. Fuck your parents right now. Look after her and support her. I feel so bad for her that she had to deal with this on her first day at home with her DD.

If anyone had said something like that to me on my first day home from hospital (anyday for that matter) then then would never ever get to see my child in person or photo.

If my husband couldn't work out that he needs to keep his parents away for me and my DD then he would be on the same train home

Well, your dad made excuses for her. Did he bother to ask about your wife who was blamed for the tragic loss of her family on the day she brings her dd home, after a dangerous birth?

Did I read right that they live in a different country? Wow - lucky that they managed to find a flight at such short notice AND find their way to your door despite not having anywhere to sleep. Amazing.

You say your dad's done a lot for you .That's great .But he's also saddled you with an unremittingly awful mother by doing nothing to challenge her behaviour . If he had, he wouldn't be on the phone trying to persuade you to let them see her . He's probably entertained this shit for years .

People like this , both the offending parent , and their enabling partner need to learn the consequences of their actions. They have destroyed your wife's memories of getting your hard earned baby home in one fell swoop. Memories that can never ever be recovered , or remade , or repaired. What you do next , will affect the very roots of your marriage . Make absolutely no mistake about that . Get your next actions right , because if you don't , you're potentially setting your wife up to have little faith in you , or your respect for her feelings , and that's not a road you want to start travelling down. Ask her what she wants from you . I would hope it's blindingly obvious , but if it isn't , then you need to take your lead from her . Because if you don't , I guarantee you will regret it .

Your primary allegiance lies with your wife and daughter.

If you allow your mother and this kind of behaviour to stay in your lives, you will lose them, and rightfully so.

Your dad can make his own choice. You can lay it out for him: he can come in and see your wife and baby so long as he treats them with dignity and respect, and no lobbying for your mother to come, too. Him only. If he says no, you've done what you can under the circumstances.

Your a father now, if your Dad supports your mam and has no contact with you then surely you would lose all respect for him anyway ?

Stop making excuses ffs! Your wife's first day at home with her beautiful newborn has been ruined by your awful awful mother! It's not time she can get back or repeat and it was ruined by this bitch and you are dithering and making excuses not to cut her out.

Put your wife first, what your mother said was truly unforgiveable. I wouldn't care if she did apologise, it cannot be taken back or forgotten.

If they turn up at the door, tough titty. They were told not to come for a few weeks. They didn't listen and did what they pleased. They refused to return a newborn baby to her mother. Don't let them in. Tell them they are not welcome. Text them a photo if you must the tell them to jog on. Your brother has the right idea. Don't put them before your wife. It's your dad's problem if he sides with your mother, that makes him as bad as her tbh.

Did I read right that they live in a different country? Wow - lucky that they managed to find a flight at such short notice AND find their way to your door despite not having anywhere to sleep. Amazing.
Long-haul, too.

Wow, just wow! Your Mother is evil behaving in that way to your poor wife.

twat a different country could be england and wales, or scotland...