Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

[deerman]

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

[wizzywig]

OP thank god youve seen the light now. I have married an indian and am definately not classed as good enough. When i read yr post j thought "oh similar thing happened to me". The only difference is 15yrs later because of all the shit my inlaws have done to us, their behaviour all those years ago is pretty minor. Now my husband is in therapy. He now idolises his dad and sees him as an innocent victim. Reading this thread makes me realise my FIL is actually complicit and enables my MIL to behave as she does. He screamed and shouted at me to behave and toe the line. The only difference with us is that my inlaws will all fall in line with my MIL. its not nice to feel their wrath. Our marriagw has never been better. I feel like i have a husband on my sidw

[amarmai]

cross cultural expectations regarding the duties of a dil are certainly at play here, as i can attest from my Hindu exmil who told me my 1st born wd die as i did not have enuf milk. I was expected to allow her to have precedence over me with my dcc . She incited my ex to 'beat her. Kill her' on a regular basis and he did oblige on the former and came pretty close on the latter.
IMO there is no apology that can cover the statements made by this mil. She reminds me of the faery horror story when the evil witch casts a spell over the newborn baby .
OP your father stands by his wife and you are choosing to do the same. I hope you and your wife will find common ground and have a happy life with your dc.

[Spudlet]

Read this with this face

Hope you, your DW and your DD are all ok Deerman.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Goodness, Deerman - I hope they're not running up a huge bill at the hotel for you! Perhaps you should phone the hotel to see if they're still there, but not actually speak to them?

I'm relieved that they've not bothered you again but it would appear that they are waiting for you to make the first move and apologise, which you're not going to, of course, as you're not the one in the wrong!

Fingers crossed they stay away until they can behave a huge amount better.

[StableYard]

How long until you return to work and leave DW home alone?

[deerman]

Thank you
We haven't heard from them again today.

[cees]

I hoped they have stayed away today.

[VioletVaccine]

If you even contemplated telling your mother she could come around again this week then, if I were your wife, I'd tell you to fuck off home with them.

^^this

If it was me, your mother would never set foot in my house again. What a vile creature she sounds.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

Have you heard from them today?

[AyeAmarok]

I think you are in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) where your parents are concerned.

You seem to be numb to how horrifically awful they are behaving.

[maydancer]

I read this wrong to begin with.I thought your DM thought she had killed her own family and rhought some of the replues were a bit harsh.but now I understand .it was a breathtakingly nasty and vicious thing to say to your poor poor wife .I don't think I could get past that for a very long time .so sorry op it is an awful position to be in having to choose between the two women you love, but I don't think she has left you any choice. None of this is really your dads fault and I feel a bit sorry for him too

[Borninthe60s]

Send them a photo and tell them they are only ever welcome if and when you speak to them on the phone and invite them.

[LettingAgentNightmare]

Your Mum is a nasty piece of work. If you don't stand up for your wife she will never see you in the same light again. Don't throw away your lovely family for a woman who clearly doesn't respect you and wants to hurt those you care about.

[WitchWay]

So they didn't turn up? Perhaps they're are realising that her behaviour was unacceptable? I hope you manage to continue a relationship with your dad.

[Topseyt]

You are a good man Deerman. Your mother's disgraceful behaviour must have come as a massive shock. You did stand up to her though, and you need to continue to do that now.

I remember being shocked at how tearful and vulnerable I felt after having my first baby, and my parents and PIL were always totally sympathetic and supportive.

If anyone had spoken to me in the way your mother spoke to your wife I really hardly dare to even try to imagine the devastation it would have caused me.

Stick unwaveringly by your wife now. She will need you now more than ever as her safety barrier and comforter. Reassure her that if they turn up again they will not be allowed into the house. Do not allow them near your wife and newborn baby. Do not agree either to take baby outside to see them. If they try to gain entry to your home then call the police.

You sound like a lovely man, and you and your wife are GREAT parents. Never let anyone, including your own parents, tell you otherwise.

Personally, I would not pay their hotel bill. You hadn't even invited them to visit, so it was a bloody cheek them just turning up on the doorstep like that with their suitcases. They can pay their own bill and then bugger off.

Try to get back to just bonding as a family now. Try to give your parents as little further headspace as possible. The newborn stage is very precious, overwhelming, emotional, exhausting and hard work in pretty much equal measure.

Your wife and baby take priority now. Your parents can take care of themselves and are not your concern.

I'll wish you and your wife and baby all the very best. Congratulations on the birth of your new DD and on becoming a lovely little family unit. That is what matters now. Nothing else.

[Fluffyears]

If you let your mother anywhere nee your wife and baby you are effectively saying that what she did was ok and that your wife is less important. She needs to see that her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

[InionEile]

Forgot to say upthread that this is a great book to read when you are coming to the realization, as I had yo after we had our DC, that your parents are toxic

Toxic Parents

It really helped me put my parents behavior in perspective after what they did when my son was born. Hard reading at times but covers how to tackle feelings of guilt, obligation and so on.

Culture is relevant too. I am also from a more family-oriented culture than my DH where parents and grandparents are authority figures, accorded respect regardless of their behavior. I had been living in my DH's country and lost touch with certain cultural norms so my parents behavior really shocked me.

They expected to be received like royalty and feted as new grandparents and instead we were frazzled, tired new parents. It also enraged my mother that my MIL saw the baby before she did (because she was in the same country), something I hadn't even reckoned with.

So culture is relevant but it shouldn't be an excuse.

[ILoveACornishPasty]

Your poor Dad.....

Your mum is a nasty, manipulative piece of work and if I were you I would be paying for their hotel and your own divorce if you aren't willing to tell your mother to take a running jump. Your dad sounds browbeaten-let him in to take some pictures and tell your mum she can stay outside as you're worried your wife might kill her.

[lostinmiddlemarch]

How dreadful for you. I agree with others that as sad as it is, your wife and the stability of your immediate family must come first. Much as I feel for both your parents (although you don't sound very lucky to have them as parents), your mum will clearly go on to make trouble if she's given the opportunity. Having been a new mum post-C section with truly horrid in-laws, I strongly advice you not to blot your copy book any further with your wife. These days will be etched on her memory. She will feel intensely vulnerable and be looking to you as a protector as never before (I imagine). That coincides with what would be a very real threat to anyone in the form of your mother's behaviour. You have to make this dark cloud disappear or you'll spend years trying to undo the damage.

Your mum's behaviour is her choice and the consequences are, sadly, for her to bear. You're not responsible. On some level, you will be grieving as well as rejoicing, but try to engage only with what you can change. You need to have broad shoulders.

[MissTriggs]

No need to make final decisions yet

Good luck

[JolseBaby]

I wasn't surprised to read that there's cultural expectations at play. I have a wonderful friend, who is lovely, funny, intelligent, hard-working and has a great job. She's also treated like shit by her MIL. I hear so many stories from her - she's expected to wait on them (PIL) hand and foot when they visit. Her DH isn't allowed to do anything in the house otherwise her MIL shouts at her that she's a bad wife. The PIL jacked in their work and friends as soon as she married their son, because the expectation is that they will spend all their time together. MIL is on the phone crying to them if they aren't round there every weekend. PIL also expect to move in - and are already agitating because their DS is putting them off (he's spoiled but does not want his parents to live there).

Hers isn't a mixed marriage but sadly her DH isn't quite as willing to stand up to his Mother as the OP is. Consequently my friend is utterly miserable but feels trapped because she loves her DH despite everything, and she is also worried that she would be disowned by her family if she left him. Unfortunately this is a very real risk. I wish her DH was more like the OP. It makes me feel helpless and frustrated when she's crying and exhausted, and there's nothing I can do except encourage her to try and put some boundaries in place.

[AnnieOnnieMouse]

Deerman, I'm a Welsh MIL.
You say your father did his best for you when you were young.
Now is the time for you to do the best for your child, and her mother.
You need to be a strong, safe, comforting barrier protecting them from all the evils of the world; sadly your parents are two of those evils, and always will be. Keep them both away, it's what they both deserve, and what your wife and daughter deserve and need.

[Kintan]

Even if your mother does apologise to your wife, how can you ever be sure that she means it? Apologies for saying this about your mother, but she does sound completely unhinged and possibly dangerous, and so may be storing up revenge for the future if you let her back into your lives. Congrats on your new DD by the way :)

[Ememem84]

deerman you sound lovely. Congratulations on your dd. You've already done the right things by supporting your wife.

Have you got someone you can talk to? Remember to take care of yourself too! X

[deerman]

Well my parents haven't turned up today.

We have photos of my wife's family around the house. My DW has two very good friends who are more like family to her and they are coming to see us tomorrow so hopefully that will be good.