Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

[deerman]

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

[diddl]

I think that you did well tbh.

Also, your wife did agree that they could stay longer.

That said, if this is true, your mum is an absolute bitch & I hope that your wife decides that she & your daughter should never be subjected to her again.

If they turn up again, don't let them in, call the police & have them removed if necessary.

[abbsismyhero]

to answer your question your mom is unreasonable your dad should have said something to her he chose not to therefore he is unreasonable too

what you do now is say no, no mom you cant see your grandchild no dad you cant either till you defend your only grandchild no mom you cant treat dw like this she is MY WIFE not shit on your shoes no dad you can't enable mom and be a decent grandad you will always be conflicted and that would break you this is her name use it

no no no and repeat no go home and think about what you have done

[nocabbageinmyeye]

Am I the only one irrationally angry at a woman I have never met? give me her number op, bitch, i need to make a cup of tea and relax (sad I know )

[LagunaBubbles]

What do you do? Don't let them in of course, it's not difficult!

[TwoLeftSocks]

Just seen your second post - if they turn up and you don't want then there, simply say no.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

So she has form for this. Then banned. If they turn up, send then away. If your M ever decides she can sincerely apologise, then she can see your dw again, but not for months. Your dw needs to recover from a traumatic birth and her bitch of a mil.

[lazarusb]

I think you need to take your brother's lead. Put an end to this right now.

[SquidgeyMidgey]

If I were your wife your actions at this point would tell me if you chose me and your DD, or your mother. There is no middle ground here, there is no compromise and everything will be OK. Your wife and daughter, or your mother.

[janethegirl2]

Keep your door locked at all times until they have returned home and do not unlock it if they turn up.
No respect for your dw at all - ignorant twats

[sheffieldsteeler]

Come on. Your mother accused your wife, who has just had a baby in stressful circumstances, of murdering her family, and you're not sure what to do? Apart from telling her she isn't welcome until she gets a grip of herself, and/or sees a doctor and drawing a big circle of salt around your house?

[LadyB49]

The mother sounds mentally unstable.

[honeysucklejasmine]

If i were your DW: Your mother would never be crossing the threshold of my house again. And if you disagreed with me after her treating me that way, you would be going to stay in the hotel too.

[startingmylifeagain]

If they turned up on my doorstep they would receive a curt "Get off my doorstep and don't ever contact us again." Sorry.

[CurlyBlueberry]

Oh my God! nocabbage you aren't alone. That's atrocious.

If they turn up you don't let them in!! I might, might let your dad in, he wasn't the one who said something so unforgivable, but he is enabling your mum's bad behaviour. Your mum would have to do some SERIOUS grovelling tbh and even then I would sympathise if your DW decided not to forgive her.

[BenguinsMummy]

If I was your wife and my mil had behaved that way and said the things your mother said, I'd knock her partial down her fucking throat, you need to tell your parents in no uncertain terms that they are not welcome!!! Your wife and DD are your family now and if they can't respect your wife as the mother of your child, then they have to go!!!!

[birdlover1977]

Your poor wife. Please protect her from your mother, she is truly evil to say that to her. Congratulations on the birth of your DD. Could you ever imagine her future MIL being as cruel to her? What would your advise be to your precious DD?

[Lordamighty]

There is something seriously wrong with your mother.

[DinosaursRoar]

Sounds like your brother had to chose between his marriage and his relationship with his parents, and picked his marriage.

And as your mother's behaviour towards your wife is unforgivable, your mum has forced you into making the same choice.

Call your dad back, your mum's behaviour is unforgivable, what she said was beyond evil and it will take you a long time to get over the fact she could behave that way, regardless of how your DW feels about her behaviour.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Your brother has the right idea.

[BeaufortBelle]

Is there a cultural issue going on here too. Why doesn't your mother think your wife is good enough? Why aren't you in regular contact with your parents?

[ChemicalReaction]

Could you perhaps just let your dad come over? But definitely not your mum.

[HelsBels3000]

If I was your DW I would be packing my bags and packing for DD and going to stay in a hotel myself. Far far away from any prospect of the crazy in-laws ever catching sight of me or DD ever again.