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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

385 replies

deerman · 15/02/2016 20:50

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 15/02/2016 21:10

Your actions now will affect your relationship with your wife quite possibly forever.

If I was DW then I would not want to see either of them this visit or for a very long time and until they massively and sincerely apologised they would certainly not be welcome in my home or to see my child.

do not tell your wife you are stuck in the middle

The only place to be is on her side.

Your DM has behaved appallingly and you need to deal with that - but first you need to protect and support your DW and DD.

LagunaBubbles · 15/02/2016 21:11

Do you want to stay married? I'm a big advocate of the more family that love a new baby the better but in this case your Mothers behaviour is completely out of order - I mean who says what she did to any new mother, never mind her DIL??

Original poster
deerman · 15/02/2016 21:11

I understand that what my mum said was awful and if my wife never wants to see her again then I will support her. But what do I do if they turn up outside our house again wanting to see DD.

OP posts:
ValerieTheHorse · 15/02/2016 21:12

Wow. I'd never want to see her again if that was me, totally unreasonable and so far across the line. I'd be likely to throttle anyone who didn't hand me back my newborn the instant it cried. Ditto anyone who turned up on my doorstep. Or called my baby the wrong name deliberately. I can't go on. Get rid of your mother.

greathat · 15/02/2016 21:12

If this is true, I assume you will never speak to your mother again, other than to tell her she can pay her own hotel bill

FuckAbout · 15/02/2016 21:12

I'm literally seething just from reading your post OP. I would never let my MIL back in my house ever again if she said ANYTHING of the sort to me!

decisionsdecisions123 · 15/02/2016 21:12

How did your mum manage to whisper all that when you were all in the same room and yet you didn't hear it?

If its all true then, I'm sorry, but your mum is completely off her rocker and I would be telling her to go where the sun don't shine.

Arfarfanarf · 15/02/2016 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BestZebbie · 15/02/2016 21:13

In your phone call after the visit did you actually tell your Dad what your Mum said? That should help him understand why she will no longer be welcome. He may be able to get in a quick visit on the way home (though you may decide not to do this if it would be too difficult for you to physically prevent your mum coming into your home again alongside him) but she should not be coming anywhere near your wife or baby until she has, at minimum, fully apologised and ideally explained to your satisfaction in front of yourself and her husband why she felt the need to do that.

AlpacaPicnic · 15/02/2016 21:13

If anyone spoke to me or my DH in my house like that, related or not. it would be a cold day in hell before they were welcome over the doorstep again.
To be verbally abused and bullied at the time when you are most vulnerable - in your own home which should feel like your safest refuge - is unforgivable.
To not give a newborn baby back to the parents at the first hint of desire is unforgivable.

petalsandstars · 15/02/2016 21:13

Easy - you don't let them in.

BloodyPlantagenets · 15/02/2016 21:13

You win the Internet, category 'Batshit parents'. Well done.

DartmoorDoughnut · 15/02/2016 21:13

Keep your mum away from your DD, she's a poisonous bitch and doesn't deserve to see her granddaughter

ValerieTheHorse · 15/02/2016 21:13

You go outside, tell them they have behavied despicably and send them away. Do not let them see your wife or DD. Tell them you will discuss it further later by email.

Tapirbackrider · 15/02/2016 21:13

You turn them away until they've learned that they must earn their way back into your family unit with good, decent behaviour.

You obviously love your wife, so protect her and your baby from harm.

nocabbageinmyeye · 15/02/2016 21:14

You tell her she is an evil birch and to fuck of as she is not seeing any of you ever again and when she lays on the tears, and she will, you tell her her act won't work and you are not exposing your wife or child to such a vicious horrible person. You grow a pair!!

Piratespoo · 15/02/2016 21:14

Are you serious?! I can't believe anyone would actually act like this?
Don't let your mother anywhere near your wife and daughter again!
Are you seriously going to let her after this?

Theresadogonyourballs · 15/02/2016 21:14

Your mum has ruined your wife's first days at home with her baby. That is not time that you can ever get back. She will never, ever forget this, and it will taint any happy memories she may have of her newborn DD.
Please remember that when you even consider having your parents in your house again.
Thanks for your poor wife Sad.

TwoLeftSocks · 15/02/2016 21:15

I'd normally be quite soft when it comes to dotty grandparents but with this I'd actually tell them to go home, no more contract on this visit at all.

I'd tell them I'd call them when they were actually invited and if set out the ground rules very, very clearly right from the start.

Personally, I think it you let them round again this visit it will make out that what she did was somehow forgivable.

lalalalyra · 15/02/2016 21:15

But what do I do if they turn up outside our house again wanting to see DD.

"You are not welcome here. Goodbye."

Original poster
deerman · 15/02/2016 21:15

Yes my mum has form for this sort of thing. My eldest brother and his wife aren't in contact with her as she called his wife names and told her that she wasn't good enough for him.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 15/02/2016 21:15

No, your parents are not unreasonable. They are completely off the planet. I'm sorry, these are your parents we're all talking about, but let's face it, their behaviour is beyond bad. Mind you, I speak as a fond granny myself - fortunately DIL is fabulous but even if I didn't like her I would never behave that offensively. I don't know what your mother is thinking of, but the inside of her head must be a murky place indeed.

startingmylifeagain · 15/02/2016 21:15
Shock I honestly can't fathom a mother behaving like that towards her family. Unbelievable.

I would seriously be spitting bullets and would come down like a ton of bricks on your mother.
Keep her away from your poor wife. Please.

Gatehouse77 · 15/02/2016 21:16

Well, having either emailed or spoken to your father about exactly what happened and what you expect from them here on, you repeat, ask them to leave and shut the door.

How does your father feel about what your mum said?

janethegirl2 · 15/02/2016 21:16

Sorry but your 'd'm is a cow. No way should she see your daughter until she apologises for her utterly unreasonable behaviour.

She's been a total utter arse!