Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

[deerman]

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

[ProfGrammaticus]

You poor guy. This is too huge to deal with now. Your parents will have to leave so that you and your wife and baby can settle down. Take your time to think about how to deal with it. Could the next visit just be your dad? Will you end up cutting contact with your mum? Too much for now. Support your wife, get to know your baby, take your time. Get some sleep and some decent food inside you both.

[Finallyonboard]

Why do you even need to ask for advice?

[roundaboutthetown]

I would probably be telling my mother not to come back until she had received psychiatric help...

[Youcantscaremeihavechildren]

Dear God, your poor wife. We'll done though for standing your ground when they turned up. You absolutely need to continue to stand up for your family. Having a traumatic birth plus a c section and a new baby is hard enough without dealing with someone treating her in such a hideous way.
I would be telling them they aren't your family anymore. This won't stop here, the crazy will just continue. Just don't let them in! I would also be telling them that if they turn up they will likely never see any of you again, this should mean your dad might be able to talk some sense into your mum about going home if he thinks there's a risk of him not seeing dd ever again. Not that what he did was any better, turning up like that, but at least it isn't vicious in the same way.

[EweAreHere]

What do you mean you don't know what to do?!!!!

They showed up without an invitation, after being told not to come.

They showed up expecting to stay with you, after being told they couldn't.

Your wife was rude about your daughter's name and thinks she has the right to rename it.

Your mother removed a newborn from its mother's arms and refused to give it back.

Your mother said absolutely unforgivable things to your wife, a new mother.

Frankly, I'd be done with them forever.

But since you're hear asking, you're obviously afraid to go that route. So if you feel compelled to give them a last chance, tell them that for starters, you won't be seeing them again this week. They should go home. Then tell them you won't be seeing them again EVER if they, especially your mother, don't come up with a very full, very sincere apology about ALL of it. And this means she has to acknowledge her very poor behaviour and what she said, and then apologize for all of it. Specifically. Or they won't be seeing any of you again.

Shocking behaviour.

Congratulations on your new baby. You owe it to her and her mother, your wife, to defend them against people who would treat them poorly.

[spankhurst]

If this is all true, I woild be seriously considering going nc with your mum. I'd be utterly distraught if my DH didn't tell his parents to keep well away, if I'd been treated like your DW.

[Lj8893]

I would be telling my mum to never contact me or my family again if I were you.

[LogicalThinking]

You need to make it very clear to your parents that your mother's words to your wife and their general behaviour towards the 3 of you was so completely unacceptable that you can't see a way of getting past that for the foreseeable future. So they are not to contact you, not to phone and under absolutely no circumstances are they to turn up on your doorstep.

Then go and give your wife and daughter a hug.

[ricketytickety]

What she has done to your wife is disgusting. Barging in on the day they come back, ruining it for her, taking the crying baby, calling her by the wrong name to wind her up and take control, talking badly about her (and your dd's) late relatives, accusing her of causing their deaths and saying she will cause her dd's death. Disgusting.

Can you really ever let her back after that?

Don't let her in to abuse your family again.

Your wife and dd are your primary responsibility, not your mum and dad. Anyone, including your parents, who abuse either should be told not to come back. i would follow your siblings' examples and treat this as the last straw: go no contact. There will be tears. But better that than more nasty abuse. Don't answer the door, or the phone.

Congratulations on your new dd. Protect her and her mother from this nasty woman. You must have had a pretty bad time with your mother. Let this be the lightbulb moment when you say 'no more'.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Your mother is a spiteful, selfish, scary bitch of a woman. It sounds like your Father enables her behaviour. Stand up for yourself, your DW and your new baby. Nip this in the bud now or it will continue. Christmas almighty, your poor wife!

[Gazelda]

Unforgiveable. Do not respond to their calls, don't answer the door. If they persist, get a solicitor to write to them instructing them to stay away.

[deerman]

We aren't in regular contact with my parents because they live in my home country which is a long haul flight away from us in the UK. They don't make much effort to contact is unless it's an emergency and I only contact them on special occasions.

I understand what your saying I should cut contact with my mum but that also means no contact with my dad. Who has done a lot for me as he supported me through my education and my carrers when I was younger.

[cocochanel21]

No wonder your wife was upset
I wouldn't be having them back to be honest.
My sil made a disgusting comment about my DD. My DH went mad at the time he didn't think about it first we now have no contact.
You need to have it out with your mum and find your anger.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

I think under these circumstances and I was your dw, I would seriously consider leaving you if you let them near me again. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm pregnant and if anyone spoke to me like that it and suggested I'd "kill" my baby then I don't think I could be held responsible for my actions.

[TheFridgePickersKnickers]

Your mother is sick. She needs help. What she said is beyond nasty and vicious. It's only something a very ducked up sick person would say.

She needs help.

Tell your dad exactly what your mother said. Tell him they are not welcome.

If they turn up on your doorstep. Open an upstairs window and tell your mother she has crossed a line that can NEVER be uncrowded. Tell her it's game over. Tell them to leave your property.

If they don't go call the police to remove them.

They need to get the message they have gone too far.

It's sad for your dad and maybe lo g term something g with him 9ne day can be arranged but right now you need to be firm and nip this vile behaviour in the bud!

[ricketytickety]

I would say that someone who could say that about a baby is quite a dangerous individual.

[SlapACatFuckADuck]

What a vile belittling cretin your 'mother' is!

I'd be ringing them up and telling them under no uncertain terms is she to contact my family again! What she said was spiteful, vile and damn right disgusting! She has ruined not only your wife's first day in her home as a new mother but your first day in your home as a new father!! There are NO excuses for this behaviour.

The tears are for show and to feel sorry for her! I'd take a leaf from your brother and his wife and never contacting them again!

[PoshPenny]

OMG. If this is true and it's hard to believe it is, your mother has behaved appallingly. In your position I would be doing what ever your wife wants you to do. If she doesn't want them to see the baby ever again, I think that is perfectly reasonable in the circumstances. Sod the photo.
To answer your questions, 1. Yes they absolutely are. 2. You meet them away from the house and tell them in clear unambiguous language how ashamed you are of your mothers behaviour, and your father for just going along with it. How they react to that should indicate what if any future there is.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

So what are you going to do, then, OP? Since you've seen sense and have a MN consensus?

[IguanaTail]

If she comes to the door again then advise her that due to her appalling behaviour she is not welcome. Then close the door.

I cannot believe that you are wondering whether or not she is reasonable. She leaves reasonable as a little dot on the horizon.

[ricketytickety]

Then your dad needs to make his own choice. Tell him what she said. He will have heard it all already. He's enabling her at the very least.

[allsunshineandroses]

Your mother sounds unwell. Does she have previous mental heath issues?

[FixItUpChappie]

It's hard to imagine behaviour so blatantly outside the norm of behaviour, but if you sincerely want your parents involved I'd be telling my mum to a) go home b) draft a full apology c) obtain counselling.....then revisit the topic with firm boundaries.

what about your dad? is he generally a good sort? Does he enables his wife's behaviour and thinks she's off base or does he engage in these tactics himself? Does she bully him or are they made for each other? Does your mom have some mental health illness do you think?

I feel bad for you OP - dysfunctional parents are not a cup of tea and seeing them clearly is wrapped up in more emotion than for someone uninvolved on an Internet forum.

[genericusername1]

Wow I have no words to describe your mother! Your poor wife, she's vulnerable at the moment and she needs you to stand up for her. If you're feeling charitable you could maybe let your dad come round and take pictures if your dw is happy with that but you need to tell him what your mum said and make it clear to both of them that she is not welcome.