Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

[deerman]

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

[TwatMagnet]

Long haul? Incredible! Utterly wonderful what they can do these days!

[Whatdoidohelp]

If they turn up again on the doorstep you calmly tell them why they will not be invited in and then you close the door.

Your mother is a nasty, disgusting woman. Your poor dw, she remained calm and collected through that terrible ordeal, I would have lost it.

[hefzi]

Calleigh none of the other countries of the UK are the long-haul flight away OP has said...

[TwatMagnet]

Calleigh that could, of course, be entirely what the OP meant if only he hadn't said this -

We aren't in regular contact with my parents because they live in my home country which is a long haul flight away from us in the UK

[CalleighDoodle]

Long haul? I missed that bit. Hmm they are resourceful.

[sheffieldsteeler]

twat if the OP texted his parents last week to say his DW would be allowed home on Monday, that's enough time to arrange a longhaul flight, get on it, and be at the door for Monday afternoon, surely?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family."

"I understand that what my mum said was awful and if my wife never wants to see her again then I will support her. But what do I do if they turn up outside our house again wanting to see DD."

I'm not sure you do understand just how awful what your mother said really was. Your wife is going to carry those words in her heart forever. When it comes to your newborn, the most rational amongst us can become stunningly irrational and superstitious. Her husband's mother has just wished her daughter dead. She'd just brought her child home, a time of joy and new starts. AND YOUR MOTHER JUST TORE IT TO SHREDS. And your wife will never have these early days again. They will be forever tainted.

So, what do you do? You keep your batshit mother the fuck away from your family. Your wife needs to know that you have her back. She needs to be able to trust and depend on you, to know that you will never expose her to such vicious attack again. Know, not hope. Know.

I'd suggest you contact your father and tell him that he is not to come back, they will not be allowed in. And maybe you should contact your brother and talk this through with him. He and his wife have been through similar with your parents, he might have some advice to offer, or maybe a heads-up on what your parents are likely to try next.

[ricketytickety]

Look at it this way: new baby, fresh and innocent, is your new life. Fill her with happiness and joy. Protect her from sadness, bitterness and fear. Love her mother. Show them they are your world. Shut out anything that endangers that.

[CalleighDoodle]

My friend's mother once came to visit but refused to fly home on her own. So he flew with her at two days notice. And came home that same weekend. He lives in England and his mother lives in INDIA! Most certainly possible.!

[DancingDinosaur]

[TwatMagnet]

I'm sure that's exactly how it happened Sheffield. Far be it from me to case aspersions on the veracity of the OP's tale. I was merely wondering - as one does - whether time travel had in fact already been invented and how I had managed to miss that particular headline! Those short notice long haul flights must have cost a bomb too.

[southernskies]

Your poor wife is so vulnerable at the moment and she will be devastated by your mother's final, considered and deliberate parting comment. Delivered intentionally so your and FIL couldn't hear it and deal with it on the spot.

The most important thing right now is your wife and your child. If you let your mother see your DD again on this trip you are telling her this behaviour is acceptable and that she can pretty much do and say what she likes with no consequences. She's already driven one son away and has not learned her lesson.

Can you discuss this with your brother and SIL? She may be able to help support your wife.

I would make sure your father understands exactly what your mother said to your wife. You may be able to maintain a relationship with him. But right now you need to repair the damage to your wife and the best way to do that is make sure she knows you are 100% on her side. Even if that means not seeing your family until they acknowledge that they were wrong.

This is one of the worst stories I've read on mumsnet. My best wishes to your wife.

[Justmuddlingalong]

What do you think you should do?

[soulnotasoldier]

I can only believe that you're being so soft because somewhere you're parents have bullied you and/or you're scared to wave goodbye to some sort of inheritance.
If you had anything about you and really wanted to carry the respect of your DW and retain a sex life, you''d grow a pair and be firm and lay down the law with your mother and father.

How do you expect to protect your DD in life if you bottle this first test?

[GruntledOne]

You need to make clear to your father what your mother has done, and that if he chooses to condone any of that then you will have no choice but to cut him off as well as your mother. You can't risk your child's welfare and safety by having any further contact with her.

[228agreenend]

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.

I can't believe how rude your mum was. Calling her the wrong name - unbelievable!

If you want to keep,the peace, then a fully supervised visit for an hour at most, so the photos can be taken. This would be very generous of,you. However, if she starts creating, then kick her out and explain why.

[IguanaTail]

So you texted your dad this morning, they got a long-haul flight over from their country to the UK, and a taxi to your doorstep and arrived at some point today. Then the whole scene took place and then your dad was back at the hotel texting you this evening at about 6:50pm?

Is that correct?

[ZiggyFartdust]

No, he said he texted them last week. Nice troll hunting though.

[TwatMagnet]

I don't think it's troll hunting to want to get a timeline straight in your head? Why would it be? I'm sure the OP isn't a troll - if I thought he was I'd report.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

I am so glad MNers found a hole in this story, if this were real I'm not sure I could sleep knowing such a evil cow lived!

[sheffieldsteeler]

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.

[Haffdonga]

Gosh. This sounds like a combination of all the very worst MIL threads on MN.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I had a birth fairly similar to your wife's. I also haemorrhaged so was very ill for a few days afterwards. Dd was born at 10am, by 5pm they were still quite worried about me. At 8pm they finally transferred me down to the ward. At 9pm my Dh had to leave as visiting hours were over. He could come back at 9am.

What followed was a very difficult 12 hours of my life as I was still very ill and was obviously totally exhausted plus trying to learn to breastfeed etc. I couldn't sleep because there were 4 other babies on the ward who kept crying even when mine slept. I made it through by counting down until 9am until my husband would arrive and could help.

At 8:45 am I ran out of nappies and clothes for Dd. I was terrified that a midwife would come and realise I was such a terrible mother and take her away. (52 hours of no sleep by this point - not at my most rational.) At 9:15am Dh had not arrived. Everyone else's visitors arrived. I had no nappies. The midwives said I could go and have a shower. (Remember the haemorrhage thing - I had dried blood everywhere including my eyebrows!) I didn't want to leave Dd until Dh arrived to hold her.

At 9:30 I called Dh. He had overslept. Would be along once he had showered and had breakfast. I tried to explain how much I needed him. He said he would be quick.

He arrived at 10:30am.

Dd is nearly six. I have not fully forgiven him. This was the one time in 15 years of our marriage that I really really needed him to put me first and he didn't.

Your wife needs you far more than I needed my husband. On the face of it being a bit late isn't a big deal. He just cocked up. It was only because it was the most vulnerable time of my life that it feels so bad to me.

What was done to your wife is horrific. Even if she wasn't so vulnerable it would be horrific. But with the vulnerability is so far off the scale of awful I can't even imagine.

To put it bluntly - you are going to lose two family members this week - up to you whether those two people are your mum and dad or your wife and daughter.

Sorry - it is crap - but nowhere near as crap as it is for your wife!

[Meloncoley2]

Has your Mum always been like this? Her behaviour doesn't sound normal at all. Your Dad must have a very difficult time dealing with her.
However, I would agree with others, that your priority at this time is your immediate family.

[deerman]

No I texted my dad last week and told him that my wife might be home today if everything was ok over the weekend.