Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

[deerman]

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

My (English) mother is very similar. My parents lived with us for a while last year whilst having building work done and during that time almost completely took over our household and when questioned about it trotted out the usual "you should show your parents respect" - we eventually packed their bags for them and booked them into a hotel nearby. We still have not been forgiven.

She has also never forgiven me for giving birth to DD1 whilst in Sweden - no concern for her DD or DGD but merely because she wanted to see her and have photo's to show an old school friend who was visiting. With DD2 she rocked up the day she was born and wouldn't let anyone else near her (I was ill afterwards and in ICU so had no idea what was going on). Part of me thinks that she would have preferred it if I had died so she could take the kids. Not that DH would have allowed it.

When we announced our engagement her only response was "try not to get this one killed" - my first fiancee killed himself. He's now been written out of my family's history and only referred to when she's pointing out all my faults.

I could go on, but have a seminar to prepare!

It wasn't intended to be racist Jessie - being a bit cuntish in some ways does not make an individual a bad person, and if a culture (any culture, not just the op's culture) has cuntish aspects to it (and what culture doesn't?) then that does not automatically render it bad either.

I am speaking honestly here. My dad is Arab, and there are plenty of aspects of that culture which I emphatically disagree with. I'd never dismiss the entirety of it based on those aspects though.

I hope that's clearer.

If she has a best friend, get them to come round to help comfort your wife, get them a takeaway/cook her favourite food.

This is a great idea - find the people that your wife is close to and make sure she sees them and can be comforted by them. Unfortunately right now she'll probably be too worried about the re-emergence of your mother (and, perhaps, you letting that happen) to be as comforted by your presence as she usually would be. I hope that she is more confident of your resolve than that though.

I think I get your point Contessa but I just read what you wrote as being along the lines of "it's OK to label an entire culture a bunch of cunts" which seemed a bit overly broad- brush to me.

TBH while I do understand why people are talking a lot here about Asian Mothers and mothers-in-law and their perceptions of family hierarchy, what makes me uncomfortable here is that this is a woman who upon first meeting her grandchild told its mother she would kill her baby and had killed her own family. That goes way beyond any cultural conditioning and into pure evil.

Its vital she feels safe just now - and that means you have to reassure her that no matter what , your mother is not going to be allowed anywhere near her or the baby. And mean it. If they pitch up at your door, the door is shut. If my dh couldn't do this and let me down at this time, it would destroy the marriage. It's that serious.
Taking a newborn from the mother is physically painful - id have rolled my eyes at that before I gave birth but it's true. It's very distressing to be unable to hold your child. It's unforgivable not to give a baby back. I generally don't hold newborns to be honest, they need their mums, not to be passed round. If I'm visiting a very young baby it's by invite, we keep it short, bring food/little gift and beat a retreat quickly,

Your wife has just had a traumatic birth and major surgery. Having had a c section I can tell you it's not much fun. It's painful and your mobility is affected. I felt very vulnerable for weeks after mine.

Your job as dh is to support her as she recovers and support her as she feeds/heals etc.
That means you do everything apart from feed. You do nappies, you cook and the housework can go to hell. Keep reassuring her that she will not have this happen again.
I like the idea of a trusted female friend over for a visit.

In the short term, she needs to feel safe. In the longer term you're going to have to put boundaries in. An apology to your wife and a promise to treat her with respect.

I would also never leave your children alone with her.

Congratulations on the birth of your first. Now step up and protect your little family.

It was a bit broad-brush Jessie, that is a fair comment.

IME, there are many cultures which don't really 'do' suppression of anger, sadness, vitriol etc, and in which you can expect to encounter more immediate expressions of same. To me, the mother's remarks sound like an expression of angry, vicious sentiments which would have been immediately, instinctively repressed in many more reserved cultures there are many individual exceptions to this but the vitriol would still be there.

So I guess basically what I'm saying is that the occurrence of bitter, vindictive thoughts is far more prevalent than we'd like to believe, but that some cultures are more conditioned to suppress it than others.....

Agree Jessie, and no matter what the cultural/reasons behind it, OP's mother, bulldozing her way, against her son's request, does not excuse her comments. Ever. No matter how much she may claim she was pushed into saying what she did. Or it's ingrained in her culture. This is demonstrating form, that will not go away easily, if at all.

This was 100% malicious and how we all deal with parental challenges is personal, as the ramifications are massive, as is the guilt for many who are able to be strong enough to take action (let alone the cost...mentally & financially for those wise enough to seek counselling support later as a result of these types of stories).

No one (except one) on here I believe, have made any excuses for this. Like LaContessa, those of us that have generationally descended from ingrained cultures where some traits have dark, abhorrent prejudices we do our utmost to break the cycle. This is not an acknowledgement that all of our culture behave in this way, but that it can still exist.

I wish when I meet certain people, no matter how subtle the raise of the eyebrow, they have calculated what caste (by my surname), what region (by my looks, darkness of my skin) and therefore concluded whether I am worthy of mixing with.

Ugly, wrong and all of the rest, but still exists, due to being ingrained in the culture. Most of us are lovely

I don't think anyone's actually excusing the Cultural Cuntishness (great phrase!), are they?

Hope you're OK, deerman. Seeing this side of your mother so clearly displayed must be pretty hard to come to terms with, especially under these circumstances. You're almost certainly a bit sleep deprived already, anxious about your wife and child and how you're all going to shake down together in your new family unit. Don't blame yourself for your mother's actions, just keep your wife and child safe from them.

If this happened you should never see that 'woman' again! I'm staggered!

I have found this forum fascinating and cathartic on the issue of GPS/in laws.

I think in so many the arrival of grandchildren seems to invoke a degree of insanity. If there is underlying malice or dysfunction it will also bring it right out.

I think a lot of nutjob grandparents see their power and influence waning and they can't handle that they are no longer at the centre of the family. I think this is really sad and selfish. They've had their turn, for about 30 or 40 years in some cases!

My parents have been horrendous since our son was born and we are now NC. On the other hand, my wife's parents have been brilliant.

Cultural differences.

Well, I'm thinking that these ILs are maybe quite young.

Times/ideas change and they should have thought abot compromise & adapting before throwing a strop at not getting their own way.

Now the hotel thing is an insult.

I get that, but then OP was going to pay-is that not a reasonable compromise?

Perhaps they don't have the room or don't enjoy having the Ils to stay.

If not enough room, I'm thinking that Op & his wife would be expected to give up their room.

So, sleeping on the floor post csection??

Or the ILs take over.

Maybe MIL expects to be in charge in what she sees as her son's house?

Well, things didn't go her way & now she hopefully won't see Op & his family for a very long time.

First, congratulations on your new baby!

Also, how are you feeling about all this? It sounds like you've been lovely and supportive to your wife and baby, which is great, but this has to have upset you as well.

What would you like to happen? It's not always easy to just cut parents out (I can sympathise, I struggle with my dad, but can't go no contact because of my Mum, who I very much want contact with - dsis is the same).

Have you explained and listed to your mum what has upset your wife? What has she said about it? Would a proper apology from your mum for everything help your wife? If so, maybe they can have a short visit later in the week before they go (and I only suggest this because they have travelled so far).

I am in no way defending the behaviour. It was awful of her, and I echo that she would never have been nice to your wife whoever you married. I'm just also someone with difficult parents, who finds it much easier to live hundreds of miles away from home!

Congratulations again on your new little family. I hope your wife feels better soon.

My parents haven't turned up yet and I haven't heard from them since last night. We are trying to settle and carry on as normal but it feels like we are on pins waiting just in case any noise outside is them.

diddl the hotel thing was partly a space issue but mostly we didn't want my parents here continuously for the full time of their stay. They can be quite fussy about the way that they live and we didn't think that we could cope with them and the baby the whole time. Plus my mum has always been quite overbearing and as I have said she doesn't like DW so we were hoping that the space would do everyone good.

If they turn up, call the police.

SpecialStains
I don't know what I would like to happen. I would like my mum to apologise but that probably won't happen. I would like my dad to stand up to her a bit so that he could meet DD properly but I don't think that will happen either.
I haven't spoken to my mum about it.
I mostly just want my DW to be ok. I feel like I let her down a bit yesterday and I want us to have some happy memories of DD as a new born.

deerman - I think the hotel was a sensible plan in the circumstances. On the basis of what you've told us about their behaviour, they are the very last house guests that a new young mother should have! My inlaws are overbearing, and I barely cope with them on a good day when I feel well.

You're bound to feel on tenterhooks, but when they show up you WILL handle it. Together. As a team.

And I thought my pil were bad!! I feel so sorry for your wife and for you deer. What your mother did is inexcusable! What happens next is up to ur dw. If your mum apologises and dw is happy to accept that then you can slowly build up contact but that is purely up to dw. You are not a bad husband though, you have stood by your wife when she needs you the most and he that's what counts!

Oh yes I agree the hotel was sensible.

Your mum doesn't like your wife & shows it.

So as well as why should your wife put up with that in her own house, why would your mum want to stay?

Do you know when they are due to fly back?

Are they likely to stick around until then?

whatever comes next for you, wish you and your family all the best.

Deerman - I can understand your feelings of guilt because it was your mum that did that; but let's be honest, you didn't seriously expect her to do as much as she did, did you?
From what you've said, I very much doubt you would have even let them across the threshold if you suspected for one second that your mother could be that evil.
So, she has shown her true colours, and you packed her out of the house pronto and are now not calling her to apologise - you have done the very best you could under the circumstances of being taken by surprise by their visit.

Maybe the only "wrong" thing was allowing them to stay the extra half hour, but that might have seemed reasonable at that point, depending on how distressed your wife already was.

The important thing, as has been said many times, is not what has happened but what happens now - and that is for you to ensure that your DW is safe, and feels safe. So if your parents do dare to show their faces again today, they do NOT get to cross your threshold. Maybe, if they show some remorse (ha, not likely) you could take the baby to see them on the doorstep - but I wouldn't want them in my house after yesterday's display. They'd poison the air itself!

I am not 100% sure when they will fly back. They said they would be here for a week but they have form for extending their stay if they want to. The hotel is only booked for a week but they could probably find somewhere else to stay quite easily. If they stick around depends on my mum and what she will want to do.

If MIL felt bad she would have already apologised imo.

That she even ever had such a thought about herDIL, let alone voiced it...

What your parents do is not your concern as long as they stay away from your wife, your baby and your home.

The hotel isn't an insult. Nobody who turns up uninvited has the right to take offence when they cannot be accommodated.

Bloody hell, I never thought anyone would out bat shit my my mother, but mine is almost normal compared to yours.

You seem like a great guy, OP, that was bulldozed by your mother on a day you and your wife were vulnerable.
Do not waste time feeling guilty, but foster joyful feelings about your new born daughter and loving reassuring bonding with your wife. Help her heal and forget about those dreadful events.

The only thing you have to be careful of now is to never compromise with your wife's feelings and boundaries to appease your mother or family. From your posts, I think you will be strong for your wife, and that's all that is required of you :)