Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

[deerman]

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

You can say even a very unpleasant thing sounding ok if you show trust/love/understanding towards other person.

Bollocks. You are the MIL aren't you? You seriously think you can get away with telling someone they murdered their own family and will do the same to their newborn daughter but oh, it's ok, I'm being loving and understanding so it's alright for me to say it. What planet are you from? And what exactly do you think showing love, trust and understanding means?

OP, look after your wife, keep your evil mother away and speak to your brother.

mom I just don't know where to start. NOTHING can excuse this "mother's" behaviour. Absolutely nothing.

Speaking as a chronically depressed person myself who is likely to be on medication for life, having depression or being emotionally unbalanced does not give anyone the right to act like a cunt.

Haven't RTFT but you absolutely must keep your awful awful mother away from your dw and precious dd. Your dw is vulnerable and it's your job to protect her here. If you don't, she'll always remember it. Your poor dw.

OMFG.
Mom17
Can you not read properly?

You need to cut off your parents. Get them out of your life. Your mother is vicious, toxic and actually quite vile.

OP, you're doing the right thing by telling your parents not to visit. Your DW and DD need to come first, which is what you're doing. Don't dwell on what you could've/should've done, it's moving forward that matters now.

Mom17, I cannot believe that you are in anyway excusing OPs mothers vile comments! You seem to be insinuating the OPs DW is somehow suffering from depression or being overly emotional and misunderstanding MILs comments. You see it's attitudes like that, that years ago had mothers who stood up for themselves against vile controlling MILs that were told they were mad and locked up in institutions for years. Post natal depression being given as the reason.

OP it's very hard but tell your parents straight, then stop giving any of this head space, just enjoy being with DD and DW in these early days. Don't let your DM ruin every waking moment.

Congrats on the birth of your DD!

Your mum said she thought your daughter was going to be killed by your wife. Don't forget that.

Your mum has menta health problems and you need to protect your wife from her. She has just had a baby and will be fragile herself. She is your number one priority, nothing else. Tell your dad to take your mum to a doctor- she needs help. You need to help your wife.

Actually expanding on my other post mom17, can you not see that if the MIL had here way, she would get DW out of the way and take the DD herself? Not that many years ago, that sort of thing happened because children even grown up ones obeyed their parents....thank goodness that's not happening here! I hope the OP completely cuts ties and safeguards his DW and DD!

OP - I have only read your posts as it is so long but I just want to say that you are not the worst husband. The fact that you have stepped in and stood up for your wife when they turned up is brilliant.

Now you need to take it further. Do NOT let them come back or have contact with your family. The way you deal with this, is a make or break for your marriage - not necessarily now but in the future as it will grate on your wife if she feels let down.

You do not owe your parents anything. Them supporting you when you were younger is what ANY normal parent should do. If your Dad sides with your mum then that is his decision.

The very best of luck to the 3 of you. That is your priority now - YOUR immediate family.

DO NOT LET THEM IN THE HOUSE AGAIN.

Agree deerman don't let them anywhere near your family.

It will be tough. But you can do it.

Deer your mums comment was inexcusable but I'm going to put that to one side for a moment....

Firstly, welcome to the world of parenting and all its trials and tribulations! Tbh your experience isn't unusual. I, and many of my friends, have found families to be completely overwhelming when a newborn arrives. Everyone wants to race round and see the baby while he/she is still 'new'. It's an exciting time, everyone has waited months for the new arrival to get here and it's a struggle to hold keep them away.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I think you need to accommodate your parents more. I don't agree with your mums comment, I think it's very spiteful and she needs to apologise immediately. I think your mum lashed out because she feels excluded and at the time was really upset although that doesn't excuse her behaviour. However, I also think you're being unreasonable expecting your parents to visit in a few weeks time, it's only natural they would want to meet their grandchild asap. I don't believe your parents really believed your text was an invitation to come and stay but I think they were so desperate to come and see their new grandchild they came anyway.

Unless there is a backstory you haven't told and family issues, I really do think you should try and include your parents a little more. One of the hardest things I've learnt through becoming a parent is it's not just 'the two of you' anymore, you're now a family and your child isn't exclusively 'yours', she/he is also your parents grandchild etc, you can't keep him/her to yourselves and longterm your child will benefit from having loving grandparents and a wider family than just the two of you.

Also why do you only keep in touch at birthdays and christmas and see them just once a year? Are you in the same country? If you are that's pretty poor. How will you feel in years to come if your daughter is the same towards you?

As for the name, my in-laws told me immediately they don't like the name we chose for our baby, irritated the hell out of me but as you'll find over the coming months, for some reason people seem to think they have a right to pass opinion and give advice when you have a baby.

I also meant to say, try not to be upset about family/friends being so hands on and 'grabby' with the baby. Again, peoples excitement and enthusiasm seem to take over and you can end up feeling excluded yourself when you have visitors. Both you and your wife will have many moments when you'll be glad to see the back of visitors. Enjoy your new baby!

Illmakeitwork what utter nonesense ignore her OP she hasn't a clue your DW doesn't deserve to be abused and baby snatched. Your DD isn't a doll to be past around. Your dw had surgery and you were well within your right to have private together as a little family without people dropping you.

one of the hardest things I've learnt through becoming a parent is it's not just 'the two of you' anymore, you're now a family and your child isn't exclusively 'yours', she/he is also your parents grandchild etc, you can't keep him/her to yourselves

Says who? Grandparents have no legal right to contact AFAIK. I am not obliged to let people whom I consider to be twats near my children and I am under no obligation to respect the people who raised me. Respect should be earned.

They are utterly, utterly vile. If you wanted to write a textbook about how not to behave as a grandparent, this would make a great case study.

I think you did well to stand up to them - it cannot have been easy, but your actions throughout were firm and effective. Just keep on doing that. Talk to your wife about what she wants to do next, come up with a plan that you agree, and execute it together. It's time to set some boundaries.

Iwillmakeitwork, they are in a different country! MIL has never liked his wife and made this apparent from the beginning! She is not even using the child's given name, she using a middle name. Not sure how you can put aside a major part of the incident?? Surely that would make a mockery of the whole situation?

MIL had crossed so many boundaries pre the vile comment! She deserves nothing but a closed door!

OMG

Firstly, congratulations on your new baby and it is so lovely to read how supportive you are to your wife.

My feeling is where you go from here is 100% your wife's choice. She is the one bullied and abused by your mother, she is the mother of Baby Deerman and she gets to chose who sees her baby.

Iwillmakeitwork errr...did you miss the bit where the mum said the DIL would kill her baby?!

Spiteful would be telling her she looks like crap. The mum didn't even say the DIL would be a crap mum, she told her she would kill her baby.

It defies belief that anyone can write that off!

mom17 and I'llmakeitwork...are you the same poster?
I've never read such utter rubbish in either of your posts.

Mom17 and ilmakeitwork....words fail me. In some families, communities and cultures the baby may be a community "commodity" but not in the culture of the OP's wife and not if the parents say no this is our child.

OP ditch the parents. They don't seem to bring anything to your life and certainly not to your wives life. Nasty evil people who deserve to be alone.

This thread is narcissistic MIL bingo, isn't it?

Jeez. Well, if this happened to me, I would go complete NC with my PIL. They would never see my child, either with or without my DH. My DH could of course make his own choices. But I might find myself reevaluating our relationship if he wanted to continue to remain in contact with people who treated me in that way.

Your mother has mental health problems or a personality disorder and I am not being flippant when I say that. Your father sounds like he does anything to keep the peace. I imagine his life is a nightmare.

I would never speak to your mother again. She is abusive and irrational.

The question you need to ask yourself is why you are considering any other course of action.

One word for Iwillmakeitwork's post - bollocks.

mom17 and ilmakeitwork op had a pretty poor relationship with his parents anyway, contacting only at birthdays and Christmas, your holding up the relationship of adult parents/child and grandparents as some sort of sacred thing, op obviously had a relationship of obligation with his mother anyway

Thank you all for your comments.

We had a rough night with DD waking up quite a bit. DW is still upset and she cried on and off during the night. They are both asleep now so hopefully that will help them both.

I called my brother this morning and told him what happened. He said the only real way to stop my mum is to set the boundaries and to stick to them no matter what she does because she will do everything she can to try and get me to side with her against my DW.

I didn't mention my culture straight away because I didn't think it was relevant until you asked.

mom17 and Illmakeitwork in the past I would have agreed with you that my parents just needed more time with us. I have always respected my parents and been grateful for their help when I was younger.
But what about respecting my DWs decisions and her feelings after she has just had our DD.