Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

[deerman]

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said your dad would never let anyone disrespect your mum in this way.

Setting boundaries is going to be tough but absolutely the right thing to do. It's so sad that you and your wife have this shit to put up with, as well as a new baby to adjust to. This is the time you should have support and love from your family, not abuse.

You have an ally in your brother then - he has also seen her true colours. It may be helpful in the future for DW to speak to SIL about her experience - help her feel she's not alone.

But what about respecting my DWs decisions and her feelings after she has just had our DD.

deerman, the fact that you had this thought is very reassuring. You're a good husband

"and been grateful for their help when I was younger."

That's just what parents do though.

You are also living in a different culture & with someone from a different culture & now have a child who will be brought up in that culture.

So, your mum coming in & behaving as she did was never going to work, without the disgusting remark that she made.

My mother is a bit of a narc and can say hurtful things. But even she is adamant that she will come visit the baby when my DH and I want her to, because she doesn't want to be a nuisance / be in the way. Since OP's mother has a longstanding history of acting like a total cow, I can see exactly why he said "3 weeks", and any posters who can't must act like OP's "D"M with their families.

I think you sound like a lovely husband, and a good son, who has now made the correct - and difficult - decision on where your priorities need to lie, with your wife and DD.

My mum can also be a narc. When i phoned her at 8am to tell her id given birth at 5am she started crying said she waned to be at the birth (that was never agreed!) and i was selfish and she couldnt speak to me. Then phoned my siblings and told them 'calleigh has had her baby and she didnt let me be there!' While sobbing down the phone to them.

I think the issue may be thatnis op has been raised woth this behavioir you become so used to it unforgivable things to other people become just things that create the silent treatment for a week.

I will never understand why 'culture' is an excuse for disgusting behaviour.

You need to google about FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)
You also need to read up on narcissistic mothers.
And read THIS
Congratulations on your new born baby.
Your DW needs you now more than ever to step up and do what ever you can to support her in everything.
From protecting her from your vile mother to changing nappies to letting her nap when she can to making tea, etc....
I think you'll be fine just keep your mother away from your DW and your baby.

Illmakeitwork1 did you completely miss the fact the the mother has been being nasty to the wife well before the baby was born?

I think the culture difference is relevant, there seems to be much more importance placed on respecting your elders in India. In the UK it's more a case of respecting people for their own merit. Also, I believe in some cases in India the wife would move in with her husband's family and be subservient to the mother in law. If OP's mother believes she is entitled to respect and deference simply because of being the MIL I can understand why she wouldn't take kindly to a Welsh daughter in law. I'm not for one second excusing her behaviour, she's a nasty piece of work who needs to be kept well away from your new family, I just think that her background might make her believe her behaviour is acceptable, she is an elder and therefore automatically in the right. I don't assume she would have treated a nice obedient Indian daughter in law any better, but would maybe have got away with it more easily.

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP. Your DW and DD are your family now, cherish them. I strongly recommend going complete nc with your parents. Do you really want this woman influencing your DD as she grows up?

Mom17 took all the collaterals of modern western way of life to shit on it. Well, I am glad for these, because the model you praise is so flawed, in so many more horrible ways.
I will take multiple marriages and the option to NC with abusive parents over brides abused by ILs and incapable to escape, marital rape and forced pregnancies.

I think they left unreasonable a long way behind, can see it in the rear view mirror. Far too mild a term. The mil is either evil or mentally ill.

Your culture is irrelevant - your mum is controlling and possibly narcissistic. It's a universal human trait some people have, due to a combination of genetic and familial factors. Great you have your brother to talk to - his advice on boundaries is good. Biggest boundary you have at the moment is total lock down. What she said definitely warrants you to say she's not welcome until your wife decides she's ready for another battering. Which might not be ever. Concentrate on your wife. She's had a rough time of it. Tell her not to worry about your mum, because you are going to handle it.

deer I think you are on the right lines. If I were you, I'd have nothing more to do with your parents, ask your DB to pass on that message if it helps, and just concentrate on making these next few weeks and months as easy and enjoyable as possible for your wife and DD. Ignore all other distractions.

Your wife and daughter have been through a really rough time (as have you) and are vulnerable (I'm thinking PND). Your support and unwavering loyalty will be appreciated by your DW.

I didn't have my own mother around when I had my DC, and it was tough. Your DW is in a similar situation yet has the added complication of a terrible DMIL. This will be difficult for her. Try to get to know your Health Visitor, confide if you feel able. Does your DW have any aunties or work colleagues she'd lean towards as a substitute mother figure?

I agree with previous posters.

Unfortunately your Mother is batshit crazy I feel like I can say this since I have bipolar, I imagine she has some kind of personality disorder...perhaps borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. Might be worth reading up on borderline personalities and narcissistic mothers to see if this gives you more insight into her character.

Clearly her behaviour is totally unacceptable and your wife and DD should be protected from her with contact limited until she agrees to act like a reasonable human being.

I feel for your father...I can't imagine what being married to her must be like. I would personally keep contact open with him alone as it would be a real shame for him to miss out on his DGD because of your mother.

Have you ever met him alone to talk over your issues with your Mum?

Oh your poor DW

So glad you have your brother to talk this all through with, he will be a great sounding board and means you can discuss it with someone without upsetting your DW. Obvs you'll be feeling massive sadness at this outcome but you're doing the right thing.

I disagree that your mum has something wrong with her mental health wise, I just think she's a bitch who wants total control.

for your poor, poor DW.

No. The grandparents must go home, allow things to settle and then, IF your DW and you decide that they can resume any relationship, start SLOWLY and strictly on YOUR agreed terms. Otherwise no.

When I'd had my DS, I felt very very protective and vulnerable and insisted I didn't want all our relatives trooping through, til we were ready. End of.

Personality disorder as PP have said sounds more like it.

Not only do you need to not let them in, you need to tell them to go home as you won't be paying for their hotel.

Why on earth would you let these people near your family. And if your Dad continues to support your Mum then he's as bad as she is.

Your priority now is the family you've created with your wife. You may choose to put up with the abuse visited on you by your parents, but your wife and child don't need to put up with it.

Stay strong and do not let these people into your house.

Usually on these threads, I can see how helpful it is to have a resource like MN. In this case, though, you really only have to consult your wife's opinion. Naturally, NM is unanimous in this case and it may help you to see just how far from any reason your mother has drifted.

Meanwhile, listen to your wife.

Your mother's behaviour was beyond the pale, but you know that.

Do not pay for their hotel. Don't let them in.

You're not the worst husband in the world; you're supporting your wife and daughter.

I agree with pps it's up to your wife if she wants a relationship in the future, and on what terms.

Congrats on your new DD, and I bet her Welsh first name is beautiful.

Your poor wife, she has had a traumatic birth and then gets that on her first day home. How your mother treated her was horrendous. No wonder she has been crying in the night.

Honestly you need to stand by your wife 110%. What your mother said was disgusting, and cannot be excused.

Feel so sorry for your wife, really do hope you don't let her be upset by your parents again.