Dad not seen DS for over 3 years and wants to take him out without giving contact details..

[no73]

Posting in here for traffic as posted in lone parents and its a bit slow there

I'm a bit stressed so forgive any typos etc

DS father hasn't seen him over 3 years. His choice, despite him insisting on a court order, which he broke on numerous occasions and this led to me telling him in with a few choice words (in emails never in front of DS what an arsehole he was)Because of this so called verbal abuse (tbf I didn't hold back) he said he would not see DS anymore. This was on DS 3rd birthday that he told him this by the way, really nice bloke. All of Ex family also decided not to see DS as they supported ex decision to not see his son.

Anyway as I predicted when DS now 6 became easier to be around he got back in contact and also because his siblings are all having kids and he wants to play at being daddy again. After much disagreement, as ex refused to accept he couldn't just come down with his wife (she was OW) and take him out for the day, a contact schedule was reached. Letters first, then a few times at 2-3 hours each at my house without me there and then can be taken out of house. DS would not go to a soft play centre without me present and became very upset at the thought of it so the only way I could get DS to agree to see his Dad without me there is by it being in the house. Ex flatly refused to see DS with me present.

However, DS wants to be taken out to McDonalds now that he has a few letters and feels much more comfortable about the whole thing. I expected this might happen and is why I insisted on letters first to get DS used to the idea of seeing his dad.

However, ex is refusing to give full contact details and all I have is an email and a work address and he may give me his phone number. I am putting my foot down and saying that he can not take DS out of the house unless I have his address. I'm very concerned that he was so adamant about me being there and his complete and utter refusal to give me his address that he may just take DS. Ex lives over 3 hours away so its not like I can go round and stalk him, throw eggs at his house etc etc and I certainly wouldn't want to plus I have better things to do with my time and have no interest in ex's life at all.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I know that technically because he broke the court order on numerous occasions that it should go back to court however, I am trying to avoid that. At the same time though I would not let DS go anywhere with anyone unless I knew their contact details and that includes address. I'm not happy with just a phone number as phones can be switched off and numbers changed.

Any advice? By the way I don't expect ex to tell me everywhere he takes DS I just want full contact details and I think I am justified in knowing them.

Maybe read the thread pretty, the guy has form for threatening to take DC in the past. Frankly the mere notion of the OP allowing any contact is quite generous on her part. I don't think that a father who floats in and out of his child's life is a good influence so yes, he needs to jump through some hoops and the address is a bare minimum.

I understood the contact agreed on is "in the community" - at a Mcdonalds restaurant? That's a fairly typical step when contact is being reestablished.
The OP wants the home address in case the DC isn't returned and she has to report her ex to the authorities?
There's no suggestion that the DS will be taken to the exs home, though?

And I have read the thread - the OP says her ex "talked about" not returning his DD after contact - no "form" for doing do and he never actually did it and hasn't ever done it with the DS - unless I've missed a page of posts?

err he hasn't stuck to contact, he hasn't even seen him yet and he is already going against what I said would be a reasonable way to reintroduce DS to him.

It was never going to be supervised by me, it was going to be in my house but I wasn't ever going to be present.

Also he subjected me to equal amount son abuse via email. It was too people having arguments over email which my ex considers abuse I certainly don't. I had to get the police to have a word with him because he refused to stop sending me emails/texts when I had constantly asked him not to.

My DS has every right to know the reasons why he will not be seeing his dad as previously arranged. I discussed how he wanted to start seeing his dad as I wanted him to have a say in it and not be worried. It is not me telling him everything but me explaining the situation.

He has threatened not to return his dd, hence ex sought a residence order. Contact at MacDonalds is in no way gurantee he will nit return ex, and take him to his home.

bloody predictive text!!

IMO the OP would be negligent to allow contact until she is completely confident that her child will be safe. It's her ex's role to make her feel that way given the circumstances.

After a three year absence, he has a lot to prove.

pretty so you'd let your child go out with a stranger with no contact details then????

pirates - I agree, but knowing, or not knowing, his address has no bearing on whether the DC is safe or not.
The fact that the OP agreed to her DS's request, but then placed conditions on it that provides her with peace of mind, could be seen as game playing on her part in family court.

Either the DS is safe, or not.

73 How does you knowing your exs address improve the safety of your DS?

And yes, I've had to place my DD in the care of people I don't know when her Dad sent them to pick her up.
It's disingenuous to refer to your DS dad as a stranger. You know him well enough to have had a child with him and your DS has developed a relationship with him through indirect contact.

Agreed pretty, he could still refuse to return the child even if the OP has the address but I think she's within her rights to negotiate the contact. Her peace of mind is important in this, she's been looking after her child single handed for sometime now and to just let him out of her sight is a huge thing. Her mental well being is important and shouldn't be overridden. Id Dad is serious about wanting to see his child, he should be putting her feelings into the picture. If he doesn't want to give her his address, why doesn't he make another trade off? He could surrender his passport to her for the duration of contact for example.

Should something untoward happen address gives authorities a starting point?

He's in the military. He can be traced in seconds.

I'm not usually one to play the inequality card, but if a woman was saying she felt threatened and emotionally abused by her ex, she wouldn't be expected to hand her home address over to him, either, even if his DCs were living with her.

He's an arse but he is your child's father he has given you contact details you are just trying to punish him and failing to remember that your primary job as a mother is to put your child first. Children need their fathers even when their fathers are cheating flaky idiots children still do better when they have a relationship. Your job is to foster and facilitate that relationship. Unless you are going to drip feed stories of child abuse I see no reason for your behaviour. You need to put your pain and hurt to one side and put your child first.

He was never threatened or emotionally abused where on earth do you get that from. We were two people who split because of one persons affair and then that person frequently failed to turn up for his DS due to weekends away and parties and I bloody well told him what I thought of that behaviour. That is hardly threatening or emotionally abusive. He's 6'2 and I'm not even 5 foot he's hardly going to be threatened by me. He was equally derogatory in emails about me. It was not ever an abusive relationship.

He has sent 4 letters to DS that is all and this only started in January after over 3 years of nothing!

six his home address will be known not only to the military but probably to the local police - off base forces addresses are usually flagged for security purposes.

If the Op reported her DS missing and gave her Exs work details they'd be able to trace his home address in a matter of a few minutes.

Wow! I was over my pain and hurt a long time ago, I feel nothing for this waste of space. However, the welfare of my child is important to me and sending my child off with a virtual stranger is not something I would ever do without contact details and I mean full contact details.

So the father of my child shouldn't also try to facilitate that contact or is that all down to me?? should he not also be trying to do things that would help him have contact with his son???

You did what, Pretty??

You accommodated contact by giving your dd into the care of strangers?? Words fail me.

And calling him a stranger is not disingenuous it's a fact. My dd didn't see her dad from age 3 to age 4 and she couldn't remember how he looked at all. A couple of letters is not a relationship.

The address improves safety as op has a residence order. Should he not return their DS she can send the police to his house to bring her DS home. She can't do this without an address.

Oh his job as a father should also be to put his son first which quite frankly is something he has never, ever done.

Seeing as court would insist in a contact centre shows I am not wrong in not allowing him to just take him son out after over 3 years of no contact. My DS last saw his father when he was 2 years old.

Why let it come to OP reporting her ds missing? If he has no ill intentions and he's not just messing with OP why not tell her his address? He's fucking with her and asserting authority over the situation by not disclosing his address. Why else wouldn't he give it to her?

Thats exactly what I think thisismy why be difficult about a very sensible request unless you had other motives.

Because he's trying to mess with you. If he was desperate to see his DS he'd give his address, see him in your home, go to a contact centre and wouldn't have left it so bloody long in the first place!

Seeing as court would insist in a contact centre shows I am not wrong in not allowing him to just take him son out after over 3 years of no contact.

Thats a massive drip feed, OP! As this is the case, then you are putting your DS at risk by not insisting on a contact centre.

you cannot protect your DS from whatever risk the court believe to be present that requires a contact centre, just by having your exs address!