Dad not seen DS for over 3 years and wants to take him out without giving contact details..

[no73]

Posting in here for traffic as posted in lone parents and its a bit slow there

I'm a bit stressed so forgive any typos etc

DS father hasn't seen him over 3 years. His choice, despite him insisting on a court order, which he broke on numerous occasions and this led to me telling him in with a few choice words (in emails never in front of DS what an arsehole he was)Because of this so called verbal abuse (tbf I didn't hold back) he said he would not see DS anymore. This was on DS 3rd birthday that he told him this by the way, really nice bloke. All of Ex family also decided not to see DS as they supported ex decision to not see his son.

Anyway as I predicted when DS now 6 became easier to be around he got back in contact and also because his siblings are all having kids and he wants to play at being daddy again. After much disagreement, as ex refused to accept he couldn't just come down with his wife (she was OW) and take him out for the day, a contact schedule was reached. Letters first, then a few times at 2-3 hours each at my house without me there and then can be taken out of house. DS would not go to a soft play centre without me present and became very upset at the thought of it so the only way I could get DS to agree to see his Dad without me there is by it being in the house. Ex flatly refused to see DS with me present.

However, DS wants to be taken out to McDonalds now that he has a few letters and feels much more comfortable about the whole thing. I expected this might happen and is why I insisted on letters first to get DS used to the idea of seeing his dad.

However, ex is refusing to give full contact details and all I have is an email and a work address and he may give me his phone number. I am putting my foot down and saying that he can not take DS out of the house unless I have his address. I'm very concerned that he was so adamant about me being there and his complete and utter refusal to give me his address that he may just take DS. Ex lives over 3 hours away so its not like I can go round and stalk him, throw eggs at his house etc etc and I certainly wouldn't want to plus I have better things to do with my time and have no interest in ex's life at all.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I know that technically because he broke the court order on numerous occasions that it should go back to court however, I am trying to avoid that. At the same time though I would not let DS go anywhere with anyone unless I knew their contact details and that includes address. I'm not happy with just a phone number as phones can be switched off and numbers changed.

Any advice? By the way I don't expect ex to tell me everywhere he takes DS I just want full contact details and I think I am justified in knowing them.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Leave him now, and let him go to court. He is nit a reasonable and sensible man.

[no73]

Oh I know you are so right but because he is so good at making me feel as if I am to blame I thought I'd try and be the better person. Its just backfired on me and DS.

My lodger has just been telling me to stop making him doubt myself. She has lived with me for just over 4 years now and so has seen first hand what an arsehole he is, has read the bullshit he comes out etc.

When it was ex weekend to have DS she always used to say 'wonder when he'll start texting/emailing constantly and being an arse to get a response out of you so he can then say you 'abused' him and therefore say he won't be seeing DS' I couldn't win if I ignored the many unnecessary emails/texts he would say I was ignoring him so therefore he would not see DS that weekend and if I replied, no matter what I said, he accused me of being abusive so wouldn't see him either.

I'm a bloody idiot for trying to do it outside of the courts.

[Aeroflotgirl]

No he isent! No decent father woukd have treated ds the way he treated him!

[Aeroflotgirl]

no73 the mistake you made was allowing this prick contact after he abandoned your ds for 3 years. I woukd have told him to go to hell, and if he wants contact to go back to court. You were far too generous. No you dictate contact, not him! He has to prove himself, to not only ds, but you!

[no73]

Thank you for all your comments. I didn't sleep last night and got very upset when telling my friends at work this morning what he has said etc. Knowing that most people agree that I am doing the right thing has helped me feel better.

EX is not willing to do anything and wants to dictate how the contact goes and I can not agree with that. I very much doubt he will go to court and I feel sad for DS but if he isn't prepared to spend £200 then he really isn't that bothered IMO.

[FelicityFunknickle]

It is not reasonable to withold your address from the RP of your child in these circumstances.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Naturally ds was upset at op not being present and seeing dad on his own, but again dad, put his feelings above that of his child, so refused to see ds with op present. Op when ex got in contact after 3 years, I would have told him to feck off and take it to court, and would never have entertained reestablishing contact through me.

[Aeroflotgirl]

The please don't forget this so called father told his ds on his birthday, that he did not want to see him anymore, then buglers off. Imagine the impact of this, on the poor boy. You just cannot do that. Quite rightly op has conditions, so ds is not hurt again and make sure that he is responsible and consistent. Op tell him to go back to court if he wants contact, I woukd be done trying to negotiate with this arse.

[Aeroflotgirl]

He has a hell of a lot to prove, to not only ds, but his mum who is his main carer and constant, he is stumbling at the first hurdle which does not look good.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I totally agree special, who's to know he won't do a runner again and refuse to see his ds for another 3 years, he sounds as flaky as hell, op has had to pick up the pieces time and time again. He has also broken various contact orders. Op I would leave it right there, and tell him to take it back to court if he wants contact. Ds is not a toy that he can pick up and put down when the novelty has worn off. A child needs consistency and a stable loving parent, not this! Better to not have contact, than to be messed about all his life.

[MsJamieFraser]

tbf he does have a point, his army address is all you need for the moment, he's not going to go AWOL with your son, and at 6 a child does not care what address they write to.

However he does not get to dictate when and how he will be seeing his child, you need to go back to court.

[TheCatsMeow]

Children need their fathers even when their fathers are cheating flaky idiots

No. Children need loving parents, whether that's their bio parents, step parents, whatever.

[Atenco]

Oh Pretty, we all have different levels of anxiety regarding our children and personally I think the OP's level of anxiety is spot on. In her shoes I would have done exactly the same thing, and I have never been accused of being overprotective.

[SpecialSnowflake]

*lone

[SpecialSnowflake]

It's very telling that the ex is threatening to end contact again unless he has his way without 'giving in' to any of her requests, as a line parent with no contact for three years.
Supervised contact in DS's home - refused
Providing home address before taking DS away from home - refused
Pursuing contact through the courts - refused

Yep, he really seems like a stand-up committed dad.
Any father who genuinely wanted real contact with their DC wouldn't let these things stand in their way.

[PrettyBrightFireflies]

Just as I'm struggling to get my head around someone who would send their 6 year old off with someone for whom they have no actual contact information.

The OP said her ex would provide a phone number. Given the DC will be in a public restaurant with his dad, the phone number seems perfectly adequate contact information. There's no suggestion that the DC will be visiting the address the OP wants, anyway!

[TheTigerIsOut]

The court may agree with him in not giving you the contact details. But after 4 years no contact, he cannot seriously expect just to turn at the door and take him out. As somebody said above, he needs to go through massive loops to get unsupervised contact as he is a stranger by now.

Personally, and after hurting my son so much reading letters of an abscent dad who promises much and does nought. I would just stop engaging into conversation (especially of the kind that can be used in court to prove you are blocking contact) and let him take you to court. I bet he won't be arsed to do it.

This is not about leverage, nope. It is about protecting your son from having his hopes raised and then his heart crushed when dad decides not to see him again. Because that is the worst outcome, so do not enable him until you are totally sure he is coming back into DS's life to stay and be a positive person in his life.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Oh, I don't disagree pirate - but, the OP has said that her ex has accused her of EA, but she denies it. If a man posted on MN that his exW accused him of EA but that he hadn't done it, the exW would be supported and believed.

Well now if he posted that his ex accused him of EA, the he denies it, that she then had no contact with their 3 year old for 3 years and now wants contact, you might get a very different response on MN.

I'm still trying to get my head around someone who thinks one angry email is "emotional abuse"

Just as I'm struggling to get my head around someone who would send their 6 year old off with someone for whom they have no actual contact information.

[PrettyBrightFireflies]

Look at it the other way though. Why does an ex need the address?

Take me and my ex. Either I'm a risk to our DD or I'm not. If I am, then him knowing where I live/stay with her doesn't make me less of a risk.

He may want to know my address for his peace of mind, but that is irrelevant to my DDs safety, and the court isn't there to consider what is of benefit to him.

[PrettyBrightFireflies]

Definitely - and there are many cases where contact is facilitated by a third party or away from the home, and the NRP doesn't know where his DCs live.
Schools will sometimes facilitate passing on letters and cards if indirect contact is ordered.

[PrettyBrightFireflies]

the only reason considered would be how does it benefit the child.

A court won't consider the RP's peace of mind when making an order - it's would be up to the Rparent to prove why she needs the address, not the NRP to prove why he shouldn't give it.