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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dad not seen DS for over 3 years and wants to take him out without giving contact details..

169 replies

no73 · 15/02/2016 18:34

Posting in here for traffic as posted in lone parents and its a bit slow there

I'm a bit stressed so forgive any typos etc

DS father hasn't seen him over 3 years. His choice, despite him insisting on a court order, which he broke on numerous occasions and this led to me telling him in with a few choice words (in emails never in front of DS what an arsehole he was)Because of this so called verbal abuse (tbf I didn't hold back) he said he would not see DS anymore. This was on DS 3rd birthday that he told him this by the way, really nice bloke. All of Ex family also decided not to see DS as they supported ex decision to not see his son.

Anyway as I predicted when DS now 6 became easier to be around he got back in contact and also because his siblings are all having kids and he wants to play at being daddy again. After much disagreement, as ex refused to accept he couldn't just come down with his wife (she was OW) and take him out for the day, a contact schedule was reached. Letters first, then a few times at 2-3 hours each at my house without me there and then can be taken out of house. DS would not go to a soft play centre without me present and became very upset at the thought of it so the only way I could get DS to agree to see his Dad without me there is by it being in the house. Ex flatly refused to see DS with me present.

However, DS wants to be taken out to McDonalds now that he has a few letters and feels much more comfortable about the whole thing. I expected this might happen and is why I insisted on letters first to get DS used to the idea of seeing his dad.

However, ex is refusing to give full contact details and all I have is an email and a work address and he may give me his phone number. I am putting my foot down and saying that he can not take DS out of the house unless I have his address. I'm very concerned that he was so adamant about me being there and his complete and utter refusal to give me his address that he may just take DS. Ex lives over 3 hours away so its not like I can go round and stalk him, throw eggs at his house etc etc and I certainly wouldn't want to plus I have better things to do with my time and have no interest in ex's life at all.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I know that technically because he broke the court order on numerous occasions that it should go back to court however, I am trying to avoid that. At the same time though I would not let DS go anywhere with anyone unless I knew their contact details and that includes address. I'm not happy with just a phone number as phones can be switched off and numbers changed.

Any advice? By the way I don't expect ex to tell me everywhere he takes DS I just want full contact details and I think I am justified in knowing them.

OP posts:

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 15/02/2016 21:58

Based on your last post, Op, I would absolutely only offer/agree to contact in a contact centre and nowhere else, and definitely under the supervision of the court. That is one dangerous man.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2016 21:58

After that extra information, I woukd definitely want up to date contact numbers and addresses. That is nothing but reasonable, tgere is a possibility that he might nit return ds to you. You have had a lucky escape. No he's the manipulating and controlling one here, he is not getting his way and is throwing his toys out.

Original poster

no73 · 15/02/2016 21:59

No he did return her but he never wanted to and she knew this which is why she insisted on a residence order before he was allowed to see his DD. He would always be thinking of ways he could not return her and get custody.

Yes he rarely sees his daughter as far as I am aware, blames daughters mother for lack of contact too.

The only back story is that I sent emails telling him what a wanker he was overtime he failed to turn up for DS and for the fact he left me for someone else. I think usual post break up nonsense when you are a bit gobby and fiesty. No physical abuse, nothing ever said in front of DS and nothing that wasn't warranted IMO at that time. I was suffering from PND and PTSD after an extremely traumatic birth with DS and I nearly died. DR was struck off. I wan't in the best of minds hence the inability to not respond to his crap and to hold back from telling what I thought of him.

OP posts:

Sixinabed · 15/02/2016 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

no73 · 15/02/2016 22:02

Oh no, I didn't think you were just wanting to say there isn't really one

I mean as much as I wanted to set fire to his bollocks I never did unfortunately

OP posts:

Sixinabed · 15/02/2016 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lighteningirl · 15/02/2016 22:11

so he just wanted to take his child to McDonald's gave you contact details and is in the army so very traceable and you have gone off the deep end for no real reason, he has a point about you being controlling. Sorry but your child loses out here.

PovertyPain · 15/02/2016 22:12

Does he have any children with the ow? I'm just wondering where thus need to see his son has cane out off? Do you know if he has contact with his daughter? I know you say it's because his siblings, etc are having kids, but I'm wondering if there's something more to it.

Original poster

no73 · 15/02/2016 22:13

Oh that was my fault he cheated because I was distant and did not bounce out of bed when he came home for weekends to greet him at the door

I worked nights, so I went to sleep when DS would have his nap as funnily enough working a 12 hour night shift and then looking after a toddler is quite knackering.

OP posts:

PovertyPain · 15/02/2016 22:13

FFS. There's always one.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2016 22:14

No lightening she dies not! I woukd not be happy with this, without up to date phone numbers.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2016 22:15

Ds has had a narrow escape from being constantly picked up and dropped when novelty has worn off.

Original poster

no73 · 15/02/2016 22:16

lighteningirl have you actually read the thread??? He hasn't seen him in over 3years. I haven't gone off the deep end at all, all i've asked for is his contact details not work address. To my son he is a stranger and because he is refusing to stick to the contact plan we agreed an disregard both mine and my sons feelings I have said he needs to go back to court.

Court is where it should have gone back to anyway and I was trying to stop however, I am not willing to have this total stranger to my son come and take him out.

You must be related to this twat to have that view.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2016 22:20

After abandoning his ds for 3 years, which is a hell of a lot, he has to prove damn hard that he can be a good dad, he has fallen at the first hurdle. Op is not preventing contact, she has said he can go back to court. Which is what shoukd happen anyway.

Original poster

no73 · 15/02/2016 22:20

povertypain no children with the OW now wife as she didn't want kids so he had the snip. As far as I aware he rarely sees his daughter but that is just what his first wife has said.

He only wants to see DS 1 day a month and I know that it would be to take him up to his mums where all his siblings etc live so he can play at being daddy. Although he mentions DS staying I'm not sure how that possible when he only wants to see him for 6 hours!

OP posts:

Cleensheetsandbedding · 15/02/2016 22:22

Just go through the courts.

If you follow the correct procedures then when your ds gets older you can't be blamed when his dad fucks off again :- which he will. And of course it will be all your fault.

Stop trying to be nice or accommodating - this guy won't see it like that. He dislikes you so much he is will to punish your child because of it.

What a chap. Protect your ds by going back through the courts. It's the only way that will protect you all.

By the way - did he pay you any CS while he had fucked off?

Sedona123 · 15/02/2016 22:25

YADNBU. He sounds like a manipulative arsehole. If he were my ex, no way in hell would I ever allow any contact of any kind again. I would be seriously worried about letting anyone with that kind of mind fuck behaviour anywhere near a child.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2016 22:25

He only wants to see ds once a month for 6 hours, he's not fit to be a good dad for ds, you will save him from constant disappointment.

Original poster

no73 · 15/02/2016 22:26

I had to get it taken out of his wages as he kept lowering the amount.

OP posts:

Cleensheetsandbedding · 15/02/2016 22:29

That's the reason why he hates you.

Just go through the courts. It will be an arse ache but it really will protect your ds and you

PrettyBrightFireflies · 15/02/2016 22:30

Looking at it objectively, I can see there would be 'fault' found on both sides by a court.

He fucked off for three years, which is reprehensible.
You subjected him to abuse by email, which could be considered harassment.
You agreed between you a way of reinitiating contact between father and son that he has stuck to. Given the history, it's not unreasonable for him to refuse to have contact supervised By you.
Your DS has asked for face to face contact with his dad, in the community, and you are refusing unless you have your exs home address. I don't think that paints you in a good light, tbh.

And please stop sharing all the detail with your DS. He doesn't need to know that "daddy won't do what mummy says". All he needs to know is that right now, he can't see his dad, but that may change in the future.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2016 22:31

Op has said ex does not want to waste money going to court. Thank goodness!

Cleensheetsandbedding · 15/02/2016 22:33

pretty why should op hand her child over and have no idea what so ever where he could be? This guy has only just come back on the picture.

Sixinabed · 15/02/2016 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sixinabed · 15/02/2016 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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