Dad not seen DS for over 3 years and wants to take him out without giving contact details..

[no73]

Posting in here for traffic as posted in lone parents and its a bit slow there

I'm a bit stressed so forgive any typos etc

DS father hasn't seen him over 3 years. His choice, despite him insisting on a court order, which he broke on numerous occasions and this led to me telling him in with a few choice words (in emails never in front of DS what an arsehole he was)Because of this so called verbal abuse (tbf I didn't hold back) he said he would not see DS anymore. This was on DS 3rd birthday that he told him this by the way, really nice bloke. All of Ex family also decided not to see DS as they supported ex decision to not see his son.

Anyway as I predicted when DS now 6 became easier to be around he got back in contact and also because his siblings are all having kids and he wants to play at being daddy again. After much disagreement, as ex refused to accept he couldn't just come down with his wife (she was OW) and take him out for the day, a contact schedule was reached. Letters first, then a few times at 2-3 hours each at my house without me there and then can be taken out of house. DS would not go to a soft play centre without me present and became very upset at the thought of it so the only way I could get DS to agree to see his Dad without me there is by it being in the house. Ex flatly refused to see DS with me present.

However, DS wants to be taken out to McDonalds now that he has a few letters and feels much more comfortable about the whole thing. I expected this might happen and is why I insisted on letters first to get DS used to the idea of seeing his dad.

However, ex is refusing to give full contact details and all I have is an email and a work address and he may give me his phone number. I am putting my foot down and saying that he can not take DS out of the house unless I have his address. I'm very concerned that he was so adamant about me being there and his complete and utter refusal to give me his address that he may just take DS. Ex lives over 3 hours away so its not like I can go round and stalk him, throw eggs at his house etc etc and I certainly wouldn't want to plus I have better things to do with my time and have no interest in ex's life at all.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I know that technically because he broke the court order on numerous occasions that it should go back to court however, I am trying to avoid that. At the same time though I would not let DS go anywhere with anyone unless I knew their contact details and that includes address. I'm not happy with just a phone number as phones can be switched off and numbers changed.

Any advice? By the way I don't expect ex to tell me everywhere he takes DS I just want full contact details and I think I am justified in knowing them.

[GabiSolis]

Actually I think I might reply, but literally only just to say that you reiterate your previous condition: that you are happy to facilitate contact with reasonable conditions met and that you are saddened he feels the way he does. If he was to change his mind and is able to meet the conditions set for the sake of your DS, then you would be willing to discuss further.

On the off chance he does take it to court or shows your DS in the future, it might be wise to cover your arse.

[stubbornstains]

This is horribly reminiscent of my ex.

The emails always sound sorrowing, cooperative and reasonable; it's just when you compare it to what he's actually done that it all starts to unravel.

I wouldn't even send the email you've drafted (especially not the bit about being "difficult"). I would just say:

"In order to maintain contact with DS, you need to provide me with contact details. You are welcome to attend mediation to draft a mutually satisfactory contact arrangement".

Then, do or say nothing UNLESS he replies agreeing to what you propose.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

Not actually that keen on seeing his son if paying to do it properly is a 'waste of money'!

That email is actually extremely helpful. Anyone reading that can see the abusive, entitled manner that abdicates responsibility and blames.

And you are cruel??! Where's he been for three years that means his DS was ever put into this position!

CuntBadgerWankface indeed!!

[purplepandas]

Just keep all the emails. They are evidence of his outrageous behaviour. I would not reply. It's up to him to go to court now. He is a fuckwit of the highest order.

[no73]

Email has already been sent stubborn compared to what I wanted to write I did amazing to only include difficult but probably should have asked wise mums netters before emailing. Will remember to do that in future as I'm not very good at this.

His army address is no good to me if he doesn't bring DS back plus he gets posted in a month or so and I will not know where so its only good if he is willing to update me or if indeed it is true.

My previous emails all state that I am willing to allow ex to take DS as long as I have his full contact details. There is nothing even remotely suggesting no contact just not allowed to take him out, until the one telling him to go to court.

I'm furious now at his accusations of me being selfish!! what a wanker.

[spiralstaircase]

He sounds really horrible and thoroughly manipulative. He doesn't have 'money to waste' on trying to see his own son.

[gleekster]

No, I would not reply and I would feel quite relieved to be honest.

Just tell DS that his Dad isn't well and will be in contact again when he is better. Far better to stop it now than for DS to get really invested in having his dad back in his life again and then CutBadgerWankface bores of being superdad and fucks off again.

[abbsismyhero]

mediation is the only way then if he refuses to go he refuses to go

contact the army tell them he is refusing to provide an address to facilitate contact between himself and his son and you need an address to send court papers to

does he pay child support? if he doesn't it might be worth putting that in there too the army get fucking pissed if parents don't pay for their offspring

you might qualify for free mediation

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Well handled OP. Completely agree if he wants contact he needs to take it to court and have it properly planned by an authority he can't intimidate or refuse to co operate with.

[no73]

CSA comes directly out of his wages at the moment, had to as he kept reducing amount and I didn't trust him. Its chaining over to CSM soon though so god knows what will happen then.

I sent one last email pointing out that I have not stopped contact, that I didn't stop it before and have emails from him stating that he no longer wanted to see DS. I have kept all my emails from when he left and stopped seeing DS including all the ones I sent. There are ones of me begging him to see DS and him saying no. Ones of me providing photo's, nursery reports etc to try and get him to see DS so it won't look like I'm the one that was being difficult if/when DS is older and wants answers.

I don't qualify for free mediation as i'm just over the threshold and he won't because he earns double the threshold at least.

I don't lie to DS, I feel he has enough crap to deal with without having a mum hiding or lying about stuff. I've told him that his Daddy is still refusing to give his address or stick to the contact plan and I need to make sure DS is okay and so Daddy will need to go to court and a judge will decide what is best for DS. That sometimes adults need someone else to help sort things out when they can't make decisions.

[abbsismyhero]

when it goes to cmo set it up to come out of his wages again you will have to pay a little more but so will he

[abbsismyhero]

disengage now even if he sends another nasty email dont reply if he sends more abuse call the police you have stated your position now leave it

and i know it will be difficult because he will bait you and taunt you but use the MPs to your advantage if he abuses you complain to the army look up forcesline they might be able to signpost you

[Thisismyfirsttime]

This makes me angry, some men are so fucking stupid and entitled. You are agreeing for him to have contact, you have put in place via the letters a good route for building contact again, he won't budge over giving you something as basic as his address and he thinks he's the grown up?
I'd draft a calm email setting out your expectations, along the lines of 'I have agreed to contact between you and x, I facilitated the exchanging of letters and for the relationship to progress and for you to have unsupervised contact with x we need to establish trust so I know you have x's best interests at heart. This cannot happen while you continue to withhold basic information like your address. Therefore we will need to go through mediation/ back to court.'
Something along those lines, very calm, non emotive, setting out in very basic terms what you are saying. And then every time he contacts you and brings it up send the same email. The exact same one, no matter what shit he comes out with. Just setting out the basic fact that it's fucking ridiculous for him to swan in and whisk him away. You can't be seen by anyone- not a mediator, court or your son in the future as unreasonable.

[Thisismyfirsttime]

I meant to add, by having a stock email you can't get drawn into arguments or insults thrown backwards and forwards. And it'll probably infuriate him if he can't get you to engage how he wants you to.

[no73]

Oh my god he has just sent me this...its getting hilarious now. I am not going to reply obviously as he is being really deluded and clearly has no interest tin seeing DS if he is not prepared to go to court. My initial instincts about why he was doing and that he would't stick to our agreement was right.

Just one last email, when you grow up and realise not everything in the world revolves around you and your constant need for control you know how to contact me.
It's such a shame to see how cruel you are being to DS and if anyone tells you otherwise then they are not a friend.

cuntwankbadgerfuckface

[no73]

I know, its actually distressed me a little as it is so bloody ridiculous. All I have is an email address and is I am going to go out of way to contact him after he can not be bothered to give him address or go to court to see him.

I think he thinks I am going to beg like the last few times but I'm not going to.

Will have to have a very sad conversation with DS about it now as it clearly implies he will not be going to court.

[FelicityFunknickle]

what a cunt.
Yanbu

[Polyethyl]

If he is a Sgt major in the army then you can always trace him. And he has no hope of kidnapping your child.

He clearly is a git. But your needing his personal address is trivial. Posting or not the army will always know where he is, so he's always traceable. Just write to his Adjutant or Padre.

[Aeroflotgirl]

What a dick, where has he been for 3 years, the way he treated ds was awful! You can show ds all your correspondence saying he no longer wanted contact with him! Ds is not a toy that can be picked up and put down and forgotten when he's gotten bored. It's good he doesent want to 'waste' money going to court, if he really wanted to see him, he would do anything to, the moment it becomes a little bit hard he gives up! Your ds has had a lucky escape, of a life being constantly lucked up and put down by this man. Just shows you how much he wants to see him, that he canning even give you a contact address and number. He has to prove to you both he can be a good father, on the first hurdle he fails.

[no73]

His personal address is not trivial to me I'm afraid. I would not let my son go off with anyone that I did not know their home address, the place where they live not work but live. My work can find me but I wouldn't give it as a contact address to a childs' mother.

Plus it can take time to get hold of the right people to get that address if he failed to bring him back. Time that could upset my child and distress him. I have a residence order due to him threatening to take him. I had to listen to hi think of ways to not return his daughter to his mum hence she got a residence order too.

Just because someone says they will not do it does not mean they won't and he clearly is not a normal, decent human being.

Sorry I sound snappy it is important to me.