Dad not seen DS for over 3 years and wants to take him out without giving contact details..

[no73]

Posting in here for traffic as posted in lone parents and its a bit slow there

I'm a bit stressed so forgive any typos etc

DS father hasn't seen him over 3 years. His choice, despite him insisting on a court order, which he broke on numerous occasions and this led to me telling him in with a few choice words (in emails never in front of DS what an arsehole he was)Because of this so called verbal abuse (tbf I didn't hold back) he said he would not see DS anymore. This was on DS 3rd birthday that he told him this by the way, really nice bloke. All of Ex family also decided not to see DS as they supported ex decision to not see his son.

Anyway as I predicted when DS now 6 became easier to be around he got back in contact and also because his siblings are all having kids and he wants to play at being daddy again. After much disagreement, as ex refused to accept he couldn't just come down with his wife (she was OW) and take him out for the day, a contact schedule was reached. Letters first, then a few times at 2-3 hours each at my house without me there and then can be taken out of house. DS would not go to a soft play centre without me present and became very upset at the thought of it so the only way I could get DS to agree to see his Dad without me there is by it being in the house. Ex flatly refused to see DS with me present.

However, DS wants to be taken out to McDonalds now that he has a few letters and feels much more comfortable about the whole thing. I expected this might happen and is why I insisted on letters first to get DS used to the idea of seeing his dad.

However, ex is refusing to give full contact details and all I have is an email and a work address and he may give me his phone number. I am putting my foot down and saying that he can not take DS out of the house unless I have his address. I'm very concerned that he was so adamant about me being there and his complete and utter refusal to give me his address that he may just take DS. Ex lives over 3 hours away so its not like I can go round and stalk him, throw eggs at his house etc etc and I certainly wouldn't want to plus I have better things to do with my time and have no interest in ex's life at all.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I know that technically because he broke the court order on numerous occasions that it should go back to court however, I am trying to avoid that. At the same time though I would not let DS go anywhere with anyone unless I knew their contact details and that includes address. I'm not happy with just a phone number as phones can be switched off and numbers changed.

Any advice? By the way I don't expect ex to tell me everywhere he takes DS I just want full contact details and I think I am justified in knowing them.

[nephrofox]

I think you should remove your son and ex 's names from the above post.

[GabiSolis]

OP that post is very identifying so I would report it ASAP and have MNHQ edit the names out.

Fwiw, I still think YANBU. Your ex sounds like a complete dick.

[TheCatsMeow]

I'm assuming she used fake names?

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

My children were reintroduced to their father in a contact centre. This was court ordered after a years gap, as its in the childrens interests to go slowly.

There is no way on earth I'd have let them go off alone with ex on a first visit. He was only allowed 2 hrs a fortnight for many months.

Go back to court. It will protect you, and he sounds exactly like a chap who needs a big stick (court) to have any hope of reasonable behaviour.

Lastly, if you let him take your DS like that, you are not acting in his best interests, you are choosing a course that you hope will 'appease' your ex and keep him acting nice. Don't do this. Your instincts are right, follow them.

It is also much harder to backtrack to supervised contact, if problems come up, if you act as if you see no issue in handing your son over to a stranger. In fact, if you later end up in court, I doubt they'd think doing that was a good idea anyway.

Please, think long term from the start. Can you tell I've been doing this for three long years?

Good luck.

[DPotter]

Hi No73
think you might want to ask HQ to withdraw your last post as it contains names etc

I have no experience of this sort of situation but I totally agree - with other posters - let him take it back to court

[Unnerved]

What a self centred prick! If he was that serious about seeing his DS. He would approvide the necessary contact details. As if hes trying to tell you how contact will take place! My ex didnt see my DS for 4months he was just 16months at the time but courts said he had to spent a period of time in a contact centre just them two. Before he took on him own. But the amount of time a court would advise contact centre for atleast a considerable amount of time. I would suggest meditation and if not courts, don't let him try and bully you into what he wants, which is what he is trying to do. He doesn't accept any responsibility for his actions.

[no73]

tried it but comes up with an airfield. Just realised I forgot to cross out his name.

[GabiSolis]

I think you need to let him take you back to court now, although you need an expert to give you some idea of what a likely outcome will be. He really seems to have very little grasp on what parenting is tbh.

[no73]

I thought I had crossed out all of the names sorry.

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

don't let him take your son until they have built up a relationship again. if he is serious about seeing him, he would not have stopped seeing him in the first place, ans would build it up gradually for the child's sake.

always frame your letters and requests as in the best interests of the child.

[no73]

I meant I thought I had crossed out where my sons name was I didn;t realise I had copied ex on it.

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

report the post to mn and ask for an edit if you are not happy with the names.

[ricketytickety]

He's pissing you about and telling you you're controlling. Not the actions of someone keen to see their son. More someone keen to do what they want. Protect your son from another abandonment. Tell him to go through the court system. He'll have to pay out and put in some effort to prove he's interested. Which is the least any parent that abandoned their child should do. That will show if he cares or not. And it will stop him pissing you about.

[no73]

I have reported to MNHQ to have names removed. So sorry everyone.

Thanks for replies it feels good to know that my initial instincts weren't wrong but because ex always tells me I'm wrong etc I thought I would try to be more accommodating.

I've now sent this email, tell me if it is too inflammatory.....he accuses me of abuse if I so much as disagree with him so I doubt myself constantly and I'm naturally a bit gobby.

After much discussion and advice I have decided to not allow you to see DS and you must go through the courts. I have tried to keep it out of the courts for the sake of DS however, your constant need to be difficult and refusal to give basic contact information means that I do not trust you and I am not willing to put my sons welfare at risk.

There is absolutely no reason to not give me full contact details and as I have stated if you really wanted to build a relationship with your son you would be listening to me and taking my advice on what is best for DS. You have been difficult at all times, not at all apologetic and your attitude regarding me is still exactly the same.

You have shown no remorse and therefore I do not think your attitude towards being a parent to our son has changed. I do not feel at all safe letting you see him without me now and I also feel you don’t have any intention of sticking to contact already agreed. You only the yourself to blame for this change in direction.

Do not contact me. I will wait for the court letter about contact.

No 73

[purplepandas]

Good email op. I would not let your DH see your son in those circumstances either. He is just being a PITA and there is no need to keep the address from you. Your alarm bells were ringing for the right reasons. He is not to be trusted.

If he really wants to see DS then he can go to court and do it all properly via contact centres etc. You are doing the right thing for your son.

[abbsismyhero]

he is army? can you contact his CO?

[mellicauli]

Very fair. Esp. considering his email was so infuriating. How dare he congratulate you on bringing up well? Where the was he?

And as for being controlling, that's exactly what a Mum is supposed to do until her son is old enough to make his own choices about what is safe and what is not.

[EweAreHere]

Go back to court.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

Massive cross post!!

Reading that DO NOT ALLOW ANY KIND OF CONTACT AT ALL.

Suggest mediation to help you formulate a plan you can BOTH agree on. This is important! You must be 'seen' to try to make this work.

Looking at that email, this is NOT going to work. He is clearly nuts. He doesn't get to swoop in after 3 years and dictate how things go. He isn't magically not a stranger because he is a father. Tour son was 3 when he last saw him, and if he's in the army then he may only have had sporadic contact even then. Of course he's a stranger!!

Go to mediation, it's very revealing. Either he'll cooperate, which is a win for you, or he won't, which is also a win as the mediators will then themselves refer you to court with a form stating his inability to work with you. Mediators will absolutely also think his plan is ludicrous and will back you up. You have been the sole carer of an abandoned child, of course you call the shots!!

Hold your nerve. You can do this. You do not have to be bullied into doing what he wants just because he thinks differently to you. Provided you are thinking clearly and proposing a sensible plan, which you are, the courts will back you to the hilt.

NO CONTACT. MEDIATION! He cannot override you because you don't see eye to eye, he has to be reasonable. You plan is reasonable, his is not. Trust yourself.

[spiralstaircase]

Well done OP. That email is fair and to the point.
He has chosen not to have regular contact for 3 years. How pathetic to blame you for that.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

Oh well done, OP!!

[no73]

I have just received this email, not sure what to make of it tbh as he is blaming me again.

No 73

Yet again you are stopping contact not me, I will show all of these emails to him when he is older and he can decide who was being a grown up and who really had his best interests to heart.
I have no intention of going through court as I don't have the money to waste. If you are sticking to this decision then you are being extremely cruel to DS as he is looking forward to seeing me and all because you don't have an address it's pathetic.
I hope you don't think that by saying this I will back down and give you the address because I can assure you I won't.
I want to see DS and he wants to see me but I might have known you would do something to stop the contact and try to twist it on me that's you all over.

Cuntbadgerwankface

I'd like to pint out the money thing they are a dual income household and he is on SGT Major wages, she has an army pension plus a good job plus rental income from a flat she bought a long time ago (I know this because he told me when I called her a cheap slag when he first left me for her, she knew he was with me as I had met her!) they are not skint, go on plenty of holidays weekends away etc.

[no73]

He refused mediation the first time it went to court. I was all up for it but he wouldn't.

I will not be contacting him anymore at all. You can certainly tell all his previous emails prior to thesis today were written by his wife as the language and comprehension is totally different.

[LettingAgentNightmare]

If you have his army address, he is right, you have the most valuable address. He can move house, but with his army details you'll always be able to find him.