Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to speak to STBXH when he collects our son?

97 replies

MIsForMother · 13/02/2016 21:18

I refuse to speak to STBXH when he collects our son (2). I just open the door, hand him over and shut the door, locking it behind me.

We're going through an acrimonious divorce - he's still living in the marital home and refusing to make any financial contribution beyond statutory child maintenance. I refuse to allow contact via any method other than a contact email mailbox.

The contact is court ordered, agreed very recently.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ThisFenceIsComfy · 13/02/2016 21:20

Well I understand why you wouldn't want to go beyond civil conversation.

Is there any way that you could limit the conversation to that?

Flowers
MissBattleaxe · 13/02/2016 21:22

At least attempt fake pleasantries for your son's sake. He may be young but he will think he is doing something wrong or you are cross with him and not his Dad. He will pick up on your coldness and not know why. Be as cross as you like with STBXH but not in front of your boy.

pollylovespie · 13/02/2016 21:23

It must be hard, but IMO it's not fair on your DS to do this. He'll start to notice sooner than you think. Grit your teeth and be polite.

BarbarianMum · 13/02/2016 21:23

I think it would very much benefit your ds if you could manage fake a cheerful "hello" and "see you later". Also to pass on any pertinent info re: ds. YANBU not to want to chat or discuss things.

Pursuitofhappiness15 · 13/02/2016 21:24

Yes, YABU. Not good for your son. A simple hello would be good. You don't want your son thinking you hate his father (even if you do). Father is part of your part so if you hate the father you hate a part of your son (in your son's eyes, that is). Separate the divorce issue from the importance of maintaining civil relationship fir your son's sake. Easier said than done I know. I wish you good luck.

CremeEggThief · 13/02/2016 21:24

If you really can't bear him, I don't think YABU. However, is there anyone neutral who could do the handovers, at least temporarily, as it might be more positive for your son?

Pursuitofhappiness15 · 13/02/2016 21:25

'part of your son'

NerrSnerr · 13/02/2016 21:27

I also agree that you need to fake a quick hello for your son's sake.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 13/02/2016 21:29

My parents divorced when I was 7. They have not spoken since and I'm in my 40s. Refused to speak at hangovers. We had to pass messages. It was awful.

I'm not in the slightest bit sorry they divorced. I am still angry that they behaved like toddlers about it. Just be civil, please, for your sons sake. Say good morning, have a nice weekend, goodbye. Even if you hate the very air he breathes. I'm sorry it's hard and painful, but I've been that child and it made it 100x harder for me.

CalleighDoodle · 13/02/2016 21:32

Why do you expect more thst statutory child maintanance?

Original poster
MIsForMother · 13/02/2016 21:33

I really can't stand him. It's all I can bring myself to do is hand my son over to him.

Luckily due to the distance now between us, it's only fortnightly. But it ruins the entire weekend having to still deal with him. If I had a third party available to do a handover, that would be a much better solution.

Read a recent family law case where the parents had a similar level of disdain for each other, and they'd had to use court appointed guardians for handover. It was untimately unsustainable and they then had to get into school pick ups/handovers. Which might be the way forward come September.

OP posts:
Original poster
MIsForMother · 13/02/2016 21:35

I expect more than CMS because he's a high earner and our son will be attending an independent school. Current rate doesn't even cover nursery fees, let alone take into account school fees and wrap around care that I'll be paying from September.

OP posts:
Discopanda · 13/02/2016 21:35

My DSis's XH refuses to speak to her so they use a third party, if it's just fortnightly do you have a friend who can pop over to do the handover?

HPandBaconSandwiches · 13/02/2016 21:37

Further to my post above, my parents continued disdain for each other made it horribly difficult at all life events as my siblings and I got older. Wedding when one parent won't even be in the same room as the other? It's just hideous. However awful he is, he will always be there in your sons life I'm afraid. Hello and goodbye would do.

AdriftOnMemoryBliss · 13/02/2016 21:38

Maintenance will be worked out on a percentage of his wage. What makes you think you're entitled to more than the legal requirement?

perhaps you should cut your cloth accordingly.

NerrSnerr · 13/02/2016 21:40

Are there not things you have to say to him? Like about illness, changes in likes and dislikes and just general care stuff? Sometimes you'd have to say something to make your son's life more comfortable.

NerrSnerr · 13/02/2016 21:43

I also agree with pp. My parents openly hate each other and never hid it. Graduation, my wedding, events in my daughter's life are all filled with an air of dread for me as I know they'll be throwing evils at each other. Wish they'd suck it up.

shazzarooney99 · 13/02/2016 21:45

And yet you all live in the same house? this part i dont get?

Sunnyshores · 13/02/2016 21:47

Completely understand the feelings towards ex, but your son may think you're cross with him for going out with his Dad and leaving you behind. Please dont confuse and upset him, or make him feel he has to chose between you, or that he's upsetting you. It must be hard enough for him and he is only seeing his Dad once a fortnight.

lazyleo · 13/02/2016 21:48

No I think this fine. Better to say nothing than get into a slanging match. My parents never exchanged words and it hasn't left me damaged, hurt or angry. Like you say a third party can be helpful, in our case an aunt who was liked by both parties was helpful a lot of the time. Do what you have to and get through it how best you can, as long as you are there for your son, and don't bad mouth his dad to him you'll be fine.

NerrSnerr · 13/02/2016 21:49

Shaz I'm assuming the OP has moved out?

CalleighDoodle · 13/02/2016 21:49

You clearly cant afford an independent school and it doesnt sound like your ex will pay for it so seems like you will have to choose a different school.

What does your divorce lawyer say about the house situation?

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/02/2016 21:51

shazzarooney99
"And yet you all live in the same house?"

I read it as the OP has moved out and moved a good distance away from the STBXH making contact difficult, so the STBXH has been through the courts to get eow.

abbsismyhero · 13/02/2016 21:51

do you have a handover book you can write information in if needed? if your son is teething and you have given calpol (for example) it would be useful info for him to know and better for ds if he is not overdosed accidentally

look i know its hard my ex was arrested for horrible stuff i had ss involved and everything supervised contact the works then they just dropped it after 11 hellish months of ss going after me aggressive wasn't the word really it was fucking horrendous what they put me through now i have to hand over my boys to him for contact as they say he doesn't need supervised anymore its difficult to put it mildly i have to suck it up for the sake of my boys

he collects them from the school/nursery which cuts out the pick up time and the drop off i quite fast he tries to talk and i can say ive got to go its cold email me if its important bye! (im going to have cakes in the oven in the summer or biscuits for an excuse)

point is if i can suck it up so can you

and if he won't pay for the private school put him in public any moaning tell him he needs to pay for it and get assurances in writing that he will continue to do so

queenofthepirates · 13/02/2016 21:52

I agree with several of the previous posters regarding the effect of an acrimonious divorce on the kids. My parents divorced 25 years ago and barely spoke afterwards. The only time they did speak about one another was to be vile.

The effect on my brother and I was devastating; we spent years trying to make sure they didn't meet at family events and listening to their diatribes about each other. My father's funeral was awful, he banned my mother before he died but she went anyway.

Do you want to know what we thought? They were a pair of selfish, self adsorbed children who behaved appallingly. They were so lost in their own nasty little worlds, they neglected to spare a single thought about the effect on their children. If you would like your child to view you in this light, carry on as you are otherwise buck up and grow a pair. You are being very badly behaved and over what? Money. I pity you but you need to be a mother first.

Harsh? Yes very but you need to look forwards to see the awful damage you are both doing.