Page 4 | To refuse to speak to STBXH when he collects our son?

MIsForMother · 2016-02-13T21:18:30+00:00

I refuse to speak to STBXH when he collects our son (2). I just open the door, hand him over and shut the door, locking it behind me. We're going through an acrimonious divorce - he's still living in the marital home and refusing to make any financial contribution beyond statutory child maintenance. I refuse to allow contact via any method other than a contact email mailbox. The contact is court ordered, agreed very recently. AIBU?

Lonecatwithkitten · 14/02/2016 10:45

I am angry, really angry with ExH - worst incident involved putting our DD's life in danger.

But I know for her I have to put my best foot forward and be polite to ExH. When he comes to the door I slap on a smile, I am polite and I tell DD to have a lovely time. It takes me less than 2 minutes. I need to do it twice a fortnight - it's bloody hard, but I do it for her.

JacquesHammer · 14/02/2016 10:50

Yes YABU

You are an adult - however much you hate someone you can do a quick "hello, here's son's things".

Do not allow your child to grow up knowing his parents hate each other

ohforfoxsake · 14/02/2016 10:54

I will not pretend that everything is ok.

I will not pretend that it is ok for him to call me a 'fucking bitch' in front of the DCs and then be expected to welcome him with a cheery 'hello'.

I will not be the one who modifies their behaviour and tolerates my abuser for the sake of the children.

I will not look him in the eye or acknowledge him. I want nothing to do with him. It has taken me long enough to build my self-respect back up again.

I will kiss and hug the DCs and send them off for the odd night he has them feeling loved.

3WiseWomen · 14/02/2016 11:01

I am at some of these answers...

Who on earth are you to thnk that it's OK to berate a woman for not wanting to sppeak to her rapist!!! Yes it so happens that that man is also the father of her ds. But really? being friendly with him? Not having 'petty squables' with him? Would expect that from anyone else that has been treated like this?

OP I think that MrsC has the best advice. Carry on not talking to him and concentrate on your dc.

And maybe ask this thread to be moved to Relationhsip too. You'll get more helpful advice there.

UterusUterusGhali · 14/02/2016 11:10

I hate, hate, that women have to be civil and jolly to their rapists, for any reason.
The man should be in prison, all things being equal.
I hate how we have to pretend to our children we are happy for these men to take them away, and we are expected to "be the bigger person".
Why are we always letting these men off?

I say goodbye to my children at handover. I can't bring myself to say much to my ex. I'll say if they've had calpol etc or if there's anything urgent, but the man makes me heave. It'd be obvious if I were to try to make conversation.

mummytippy · 14/02/2016 11:14

JacquesHammer You are wrong.

The OP does not need to speak to her STBEX at all and why should she. So he can further abuse her. I my experience it will not work - at all.

It the DC here that needs to be focussed on. That is all.
Him feeling loved by his DM before departing and coming home.

Men like this are not reasonable. Olive branches and reasonable behaviour towards them gets twisted around so they need to be ignored and blocked out - hence the type of email contact the OP has in place.

As long as she does right by her DS she is fulfilling her duty as a mum and to her DS. Stuff him and niceties at the door.

When the child is an adult he'll know doubt learn all of his parents hideous relationship, but until then it's about positive handover behaviour direct to the DC - nothing more.

cannotlogin · 14/02/2016 11:15

I think you have had a hard time on here. I am no contact with my ex and he did nothing to me that compares with what you have been through. He does, however, know how to wind me up and I have found over time that the only way for there not to be an argument on the doorstep (which is awful for the children) is for me to focus on the children and to not even make eye contact with him when he collects them. All communication is via text or longer messages via e-mail. He never responds so there's not much point but I have shed loads of evidence that despite the difficulties, I did everything I could to involve him in decision-making for our children.

Overtime, things may get easier but at the moment, if it works for you then go with it and ignore the naysayers. Your children will judge both you and your ex when they are ready to - in our case, I suspect that they will see 'wrong' and plenty of 'right' in us both.

mummytippy · 14/02/2016 11:16

Well said 3WiseWomen

mummytippy · 14/02/2016 11:20

That's precisely what I do Cannotlogin

It's the only way I have found. I too communicate the same way. I too don't get a response. All very exhausting and tiring but as you say, as long as you speak to the DCs during handovers to ease the transition, that's what is important.

Namechanger2015 · 14/02/2016 11:30

Agree with MrsC although I totally see where you are coming from, OP.

It's horribly difficult to say bye to my lovely DDs and send them off with abusive ExH for the week. He used to see them at weekends, but now just one year post-separation it's fizzled out to school holidays only.

The DDs still love him very much (they are young) and I loathe him and the way in which he has slowly and deliberately crushed me over the years.

I have been telling the children to enjoy their half term with daddy and enjoy it etc and getting excited on their behalf.

They know full well that daddy will let them watch to all day and will only take them swimming if mummy has packed everything for them, will not allow them to visit their old school friends etc.

Like you op, he lives in the marital home and as yet has not paid a penny towards them.

I make a point of going out to his car and kissing all 3 DDs and smiling a lot, waving them off etc. He generally skulls and stares at the floor. I want the DDs to feel happy and not guilty for going or for loving their dad. I also want him to know I am strong and not afraid of him anymore.

And ultimately it makes me a better person than him. So I win.

Having said that, nobody should be criticised for hating and not wanting to speak to their abuser. You sound like a good mum, your son is loved, I don't think you need to play happy families if you are not ready for it.

Namechanger2015 · 14/02/2016 11:37

To clarify, I am like you OP. I never speak to him unless I have to. I speak to kids in a happy relaxed way. If I have to speak to him my heart is thumping but I try to sound less scared.

Already have the vomity feeling about doing tomorrow handover.

shinynewusername · 14/02/2016 11:44

But I didn't want a stony silence affecting my daughter. So back then - and still a bit now - I say brightly and cheerily "sweetie, give daddy a big kiss goodbye!" or some such. I actually rarely speak to him

Could this be a workable compromise for you, OP? Totally get why you can't bear to speak to your ex, given what has happened.

ohforfoxsake · 14/02/2016 11:57

Why is it the mothers who have to put on the happy face? Why is it ok to send the message to our children that this is what women should do? 'Dont upset your father, dear'. Fuck that shit.

My DS told me to back down last week, after his father called me a fucking bitch. If there was ever a time to stand up for myself, it was then.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 14/02/2016 12:04

I am shockshock at some of these answers

You are entitled to be shocked. Have you ever been in that position.

I have.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 14/02/2016 12:05

Why is it the mothers who have to put on the happy face? Why is it ok to send the message to our children that this is what women should do? 'Dont upset your father, dear'. Fuck that shit.

It isn't about not upsetting the father. It is about not upsetting the DC!

BarbarianMum · 14/02/2016 12:13

Nottoday got there before I did. This is nothing to do with the OP's ex. It's all to do with saving her don from guilt and stress. Obviously both parents should be doing it but OPs ex isn't on here asking for advice.

ohforfoxsake · 14/02/2016 12:15

And some fathers know this, choose to manipulate the situation and continue to use it to control and abuse.

Not the message I am going to send my kids.

When XH modifies his behaviour I shall be civil.

VoyageOfDad · 14/02/2016 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 14/02/2016 13:04

I think school pick up & drop off are really important, so the other parent has contact with school, teachers and has to do a school pick up & drop off.

It means the NRP has to deal with homework, taking back on Monday, Friday night tierd dc and Monday morning rush etc

This stops some of the Disney parenting and brings in reality.

It also gives the rp some freedom, time to refresh and no doorstep arguments or one parent constantly being late etc

mummytippy · 14/02/2016 13:04

As the 'old saying goes'... ''You have to put your children first''.
It's not about 'us' and the 'ex' it's about the DC as Me, MrsC, Barbarian and NameChanger are emphasising.

There are things that have been done that can never, and will never be forgotton or forgiven - and why should they. At the same time that is not the fault of a child.

Putting on a happy face and 'standing tall' for the sake of the children in my view is not sending an incorrect message to the DC. DC is too young.
At the same time, if there is silence or bad feeling DC will pick this up and it will manifest itself.
If OP is talks positively to DC that is all that matters. Even if she does that out of view of her ex... just before or after pick-up does it matter?
Talking to an abusive ex at the door is handing him a stick to be beaten with IMO and experience.
Who's to say he would reply if OP did speak? and then how would OP feel? and how would DC react to that? (If he shouted or was nasty). It would be out of her control.
Speaking to DC only before and after handover is within her control.
Stuff small-talk with an abusive ex... it's beyond small talk when situ's have gone through court etc on OP has been through Hell. Moving forwards with her DC with only essential contact with the ex in this situ is what's required.

mummytippy · 14/02/2016 13:16

OhForFoxSake Has hit the nail too... My ex took me to court to try to control me and still tries now. Zero eye contact and non verbal comms is the only way for me. My DC is oblivious to this.

abbsismyhero · 16/02/2016 22:28

*I am shockshock at some of these answers...

Who on earth are you to thnk that it's OK to berate a woman for not wanting to sppeak to her rapist!!! Yes it so happens that that man is also the father of her ds. But really? being friendly with him? Not having 'petty squables' with him? Would expect that from anyone else that has been treated like this?*

people who didn't read her update about how he raped her or replied prior to that?

my ex is an abusive manipulative bastard im not even going to repeat what he did and social services didn't even risk assess him 11 months of hell and they still didn't do that that's the whole reason they got involved was because he was deemed a risk to his own children over 12 months of supervised contact and i get a phone call as you were don't get involved with him again by the way he has unsupervised access now and i had to deal with it

he is still abusing us now except now i really can't do anything because he makes such a good victim we live apart but he may as well be there in the house with us