Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to speak to STBXH when he collects our son?

97 replies

MIsForMother · 13/02/2016 21:18

I refuse to speak to STBXH when he collects our son (2). I just open the door, hand him over and shut the door, locking it behind me.

We're going through an acrimonious divorce - he's still living in the marital home and refusing to make any financial contribution beyond statutory child maintenance. I refuse to allow contact via any method other than a contact email mailbox.

The contact is court ordered, agreed very recently.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Thegirlinthetrousers · 13/02/2016 21:52

My ex husband often behaves like you do, it's utterly shit, completely unnecessary and all it does is leave the kids feeling unsettled and unhappy that their parents don't communicate or even talk to each other. Try and get over it, I know it's hard but I can tell you that even after his lengthy affair, leaving me with incredible financial difficulties and sole care of our two children, I still grit my teeth, and say hello and exchange plesantries, crap though it is.

I'm trying to lead by example, in the hope one day he'll get it...sigh....

DelphiBlue · 13/02/2016 21:54

I don't want to sound harsh but you're being quite selfish. I appreciate it's a very difficult time but none of this is your sons fault and you both should be doing everything you possibly can to make this transition easier for him.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 13/02/2016 21:58

I expect more than CMS because he's a high earner and our son will be attending an independent school.

How will he be attending school when he is 2!

When he actually gets to school age maybe your ex may want him to go to state school.

Original poster
MIsForMother · 13/02/2016 21:58

We don't live in the same house Shazza. I left the marital home and moved away. (It will have to be sold as part of the divorce settlement).

I just can't get past how much I hate this man......He left me in hospital alone with DS as a newborn, unable to stand after a CS to facilitate contact arrangements for his first family. Spent his paternity leave prestiging on Call of Duty. Forced me to have sex with him again less than a week after DSs birth. Flew abroad on business having bought only baby food for DS and left me with no money/food. Repeatedly coerced me into sex to the point where prior to leaving him last year, I had two terminations in less than six months. This list could be a lot longer.

However, as we have a son together I can't get rid of him. I still have to him in my life every fortnight, or risk imprisonment for breaching a court order.

OP posts:
Funinthesun15 · 13/02/2016 21:58

I don't want to sound harsh but you're being quite selfish.

I actually agree.

Original poster
MIsForMother · 13/02/2016 21:59

He will be 3 this summer. Independent nursery starts from the term in which they turn three.

OP posts:
shazzarooney99 · 13/02/2016 21:59

BoneyBackJefferson, i read (We're going through an acrimonious divorce - he's still living in the marital home and refusing to make any financial contribution beyond statutory child maintenance.) so this is what i mean, i dont get it?

Original poster
MIsForMother · 13/02/2016 22:01

He is still living in the marital home. I moved away. The house will have to be sold as part of the financial settlement.

OP posts:
Nottodaythankyouorever · 13/02/2016 22:02

Independent nursery

Which isn't a school.

As someone who had to deal with a very violent abusive ex. I do think YABU. Your DS will pick up on what is going on.

I say this as someone who has dealt with more than most on here would thankfully ever have to.

I still managed platitudes with exH because it wasn't about me or him but the DC.

NerrSnerr · 13/02/2016 22:02

If you can't afford the independent nursery/ school you can't. If he doesn't want to pay for it then you'll have to cover it if that's what you want.

grumpysquash2 · 13/02/2016 22:05

Confused. If your DS is 2, how will you be doing school handovers in September?

Original poster
MIsForMother · 13/02/2016 22:07

He'll be three this summer. The nursery is part of an independent school with wrap around care from 8-6. He'll be able to stay in the same school from now until A levels

OP posts:
CantWaitForWarmWeather · 13/02/2016 22:08

Will you get the free hours for 3 year olds?

Cabrinha · 13/02/2016 22:10

I disagree that the friendly (fake) hello is necessary.
I simply couldn't even bear to look at my arsehole ex at handover. My child was 4.5 when we split, and I can't say I'm keen on chit chat with him 3 years on!
But I didn't want a stony silence affecting my daughter. So back then - and still a bit now - I say brightly and cheerily "sweetie, give daddy a big kiss goodbye!" or some such. I actually rarely speak to him. I really think my child is oblivious to the fact I don't actually say anything to him.

LazyDaysAndTuesdays · 13/02/2016 22:10

If you can't afford the independent nursery/ school you can't. If he doesn't want to pay for it then you'll have to cover it if that's what you want

^ this.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 13/02/2016 22:10

Even with that dreadful history, I stand by what I said. Civilities will help your son.

With regard to the school, do you really want that sort of hold over you? Do you want your DS settled in a school you can't afford when you know your STBXH doesn't have any morals - what's to stop him threatening to stop paying? Leaving you in the awful situation of doing what he asks, getting into debt, or pulling your son out. Find a decent state school OP, unless you can get it unequivocally in contract form that he will pay the fees for the whole of DS education.

Original poster
MIsForMother · 13/02/2016 22:13

cantwait- I doubt it. The money is really a side issue: I have a responsible job which pays well, although not at the same rate as stbxh. If he doesn't pay (and it doesn't get awarded in the financial settlement), then I'll just delay buying for a few years and use some of the house equity to bolster the finances until my salary increases. I can afford the fees on my own salary.

OP posts:
HPandBaconSandwiches · 13/02/2016 22:16

That's ok then. Glad you can afford it yourself. My DC are at private school and they get 15 hours free in nursery and reception. Makes it much cheaper!

Penfold007 · 13/02/2016 22:19

Sorry but YABVU, the only person you are hurting is your innocent child. Your STBXH is only obliged to may the CMS calculated amount, you may expect him to pay more and so be able to choose private schooling but he is under no obligation to pay more.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 13/02/2016 22:20

Hmm, I'd definitely look in to the 15 hours free education. All 3 year olds are entitled to it regardless of parents' income.
I did hear that the government are increasing it to 30 hours, but not sure if this is means tested or not.

It's worth checking out about the 15 hours at least, because it will free up some money that you would have spent on nursery fees.

daisychain01 · 13/02/2016 22:20

Doing handovers through the school could be an option later on when your DS is older, but the poor lad is only 3yo.

Can you at least try need to put the past behind you for his sake? How will it work if you or you ex need to communicate about health or educational things to do with your DS?

NerrSnerr · 13/02/2016 22:21

Great you can afford the schooling yourself. I still think you need to put your son first and very civil to your ex. He's a shit but it's not fair for your son to suffer because of it.

Potatoface2 · 13/02/2016 22:26

you both sound awful.....poor child!

Canyouforgiveher · 13/02/2016 22:27

I don't blame you hating him from what you wrote. But unfortunately you are linked together by your son and he is the priority.

instead of thinking how awful it is to have to be civil to him every 2 weeks, think how wonderful it is that you will never really have to engage with him again from your own point of view. A simple "hello, here is daddy" "goodbye then" will get you through most handovers. that will be the extent of your involvement.

Yes it sucks that he won't support his child the way other parents of his income level would, but so what? You can do it. Compared to what he has already done to you, being an ass about money is nothing.

I appreciate how angry you are and with every right. But you don't want your son to turn around as an adult and say how much he hated the tension at handovers - or some of the things the adult children have said on this thread.

Try to minimise his power over you. Fake smile, hand over, goodbye then and you are done.

If you really can't do that, do you have a friend or sister who could do the handovers for you for a while?

starry0ne · 13/02/2016 22:29

I remember taking my DS to contact centre and seeing parents ignore each other.. It was obvious...I never wanted my DS to witness that despite us both ended up in a refuge...

Kids do pick it up...No one is saying make chit chat but "Hi, have a good weekend to DC" goes a long way..for your child not for Ex...

I also think you need to accept you are only going to get basic allowance..

Maybe counselling will help you come to terms with what you have been through and have the strength to deal with Ex in a way that isn't damaging to your child or yourself