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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL highjacking mini break

314 replies

CowPatRoberts · 12/02/2016 16:14

Long post, buckle up.

Myself and DP have been saving up for a long weekend away in Scotland at the end of March, bit of context but we’ve both started new jobs in the last 6 months which have really reduced our time together so this was something we’ve been looking forward to.

DP had the great idea of booking an apartment that he and his family have visited on a number of occasions, he’s familiar with the owners and it really fits all our requirements. As his parents’ place is on the way he called them last week to let them know we’d be in the area and that we’d love to drop in. They chatted for a while, made plans- great!

Then Monday evening I received an email from DSIL asking if the pool(??) was going to be available because if so she’d need a new costume. I assumed it was a mistake- I was wrong.

Apparently DMIL had thought about mine and DP’s trip over the weekend and realised it would make a brilliant family getaway! She called her parents, her brother, DSIL and DBIL to make sure they and all their kids were free to come along. She then called us (apparently to tell us about the sudden influx of mad relatives) after she spoke to all of the family on Sunday, but we missed the call and when we tried to call back they’d gone to bed.

The next day she called the family who owns the apartment and asked to cancel the reservation for our 2 bed place we’d reserved, so they could instead rent out one of the larger properties on offer- a 6 bed house with an indoor pool. They’ve used this place in the past for family parties etc so the owners assumed everything was agreed with us and happily switched the reservation for them.

So the first I hear about it is when the owners of the property call me up to ask if I’d like a refund for the other property or whether I wanted it applying to the new booking. DP called his DM Wednesday evening and was told “If you’d answered the phone Sunday night we would have told you then but it’s too late to change now!”

He told her that this was supposed to be a romantic getaway and we’d be delighted to organise a trip away with everyone another time, and again she answered that we should have gotten back to her on Sunday as it’s all paid for now and everyone booked time off on Monday.

They’ve been going round and round with this since then. When he brought up she had not asked us before planning she claimed “I didn’t know I needed to ask, I thought you cared about family and would be HAPPY to spend time with us…other people would kill for an opportunity like this…Grandma is getting old and this may be our last chance etc”

We’ve talked about just giving in and planning another romantic getaway for another time but we also don’t want to send a message that this is acceptable behaviour. WIBU to tell her to stuff her family getaway and use the money to bugger off abroad?

OP posts:
QuietWhenReading · 12/02/2016 18:44

Please don't set a precedent OP.

In the early days of our marriage we often rearranged our lives to suit my PILs. It was fine until the DC came along and we stopped acquiescing to every request which has lead to upset for them and resentment on my part.

My PILs are lovely people but It's hard to put your foot down after 20 years when they have come to expect that you will give in.

We recently made a big life decision they don't agree with. It is not going well, because they still really think they are entitled to a say in our decision.

I love my PILs and I totally understand their point of view but I wish very strongly that I had started as I meant to go on.

I shall be giving this advice to my DC when they find partners.

CowPatRoberts · 12/02/2016 18:49

Garlic Fab response thanks

Thanks to everyone else who replied! I think my last post might have been slightly misinterpreted by a few of you- the way myself DP are feeling it's not really an option going, to quote DP "they are taking the fucking piss" so we're just looking for a way to do this with the smallest amount of hassle.

DP is speaking to the owners this evening and he's NOT happy, so we'll have to see what happens from that.

OP posts:
CowPatRoberts · 12/02/2016 18:50

Also love the idea of going to Lands End- definitely an option!!!

OP posts:
StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 12/02/2016 18:53

Enjoy your romantic weekend away. Do not let them feel guilty or put a dampener on your weekend because they tried to gatecrash and you didn't play along. Remember this was always only ever meant to be about the 2 of you and the fact you need some time together.

Scaredycat3000 · 12/02/2016 18:54

Glad your DP and you feel the same, it is very hard when they simply can't see the problem.

DinosaursRoar · 12/02/2016 18:54

Sounds like the best option - I think you need to not worry too much about the hassle - it's not you that's caused it!

CowPatRoberts · 12/02/2016 18:57

Oh and DP spoke to MIL earlier today who claimed "you can't cancel because the kids are really excited and it's not fair for you to disappoint them like that!"

Wine
OP posts:
Namechangenell · 12/02/2016 18:57

Don't go. And have a stern word with the company who changed your reservation without talking to you first. That's appalling! In fact, I'd be tempted to tell them that you won't be staying there again, nor will you be recommending them to anyone, as they've broken your trust in this way.

As for the ILs, well, I sympathise as this is the kind of thing my PILs will do. I totally understand what Quiet is saying above. This is my ILs to an absolute tee. I'd let your DP deal with them but they'd be under no illusion that I thought they were incredibly rude and selfish and I'd be very slow on the uptake to include them in family plans going forward.

Namechangenell · 12/02/2016 18:59

Go no contact, OP. Your MIL sounds more and more ridiculous as this goes on. She's obviously used to people bowing to her will. No more!

gleekster · 12/02/2016 19:00

I wouldn't worry about the fall out then - with any luck she will stop talking to you Grin

bloodyteenagers · 12/02/2016 19:01

That would have been met with
Yes and we are really disappointed that you decided to cancel our weekend.

DartmoorDoughnut · 12/02/2016 19:01

Fuck that shit!! Your MIL is doolally! Glad you and your DP are on the same page though

CowPatRoberts · 12/02/2016 19:02

Bloody I believe it was the response she got!

OP posts:
MadisonAvenue · 12/02/2016 19:02

Book somewhere else, let her know that you're not happy with this and don't let her emotionally blackmail you - sod the kids having their weekend upset, what about you and your husband??

This actually sounds like something my in laws (especially SIL) would do. Mine all live 200 miles away and if we make plans to visit you can guarantee that any plans we have go straight out of the window because SIL always thinks something else would be a better idea and MIL goes along with her. That's why I rarely visit now.

StrictlyMumDancing · 12/02/2016 19:02

I think you should take the refund and book somewhere else. But agree to go to the family thing then not show up. If she say anything you say 'I didn't know we needed to tell you we weren't coming'

Inertia · 12/02/2016 19:08

Get the refund, express your disappointment to the owners who cancelled your booking, go elsewhere, ignore the guilt trip.

Pandabee11 · 12/02/2016 19:12

Unfortunately, your husband is going to have to learn to stop the information train. Just because mother dearest is on the phone, doesn't mean you have to tell her anything. This is your golden ticket to reduce this family's enmeshment and create space for your own family unit.

I would keep your dates and book elsewhere, don't justify, acknowledge, defend or explain as it will be used against you; and definitely don't put anything on paper/email.

Just go and do your own thing and remember MILs behaviour for next time.

DoreenLethal · 12/02/2016 19:14

"you can't cancel because the kids are really excited and it's not fair for you to disappoint them like that!"

'It would disappoint them much more walking in on our dirty weekend mother.'

RandomMess · 12/02/2016 19:25

Thank goodness your DP is as upset as you and it's going to get sorted!

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 12/02/2016 19:25

Good for you op and dont drag it all out, just be short and sweet about it all, and nonchelant...

big mistake - misunderstanding but dont worry we are cancelling and going on another break .

Rainbunny · 12/02/2016 19:35

I must say it's nice to read a thread where the OP's DP is of the same mind about the unreasonable MIL/In-Laws behaviour. Good to hear that you'll both go away just the two of you still, there's no way I would have given in to that!

PegsPigs · 12/02/2016 19:39

I would ask the owner for a refund but explicitly ask him not to talk about the refund to your MIL.

Then book somewhere else with the money and just not turn up. You don't owe her anything. You don't have to go and you don't need the hassle in the run up to it having 'disappointed' everyone. Yeah there'll be fall out afterwards but turn your phone off for the whole weekend away and worry about it when you set foot inside your house afterwards.

And have a lovely time without her!

hufflebottom · 12/02/2016 19:42

Get your refund, tell them you're not going and book somewhere else and don't tell them.

Lauren15 · 12/02/2016 19:47

Thank goodness your dp is standing firm on this.

YoniMitchell · 12/02/2016 19:53

Shock at the sheer face of your MIL! Good on you and DP for standing your ground.

Get the refund, tell the letting people how poorly they've acted then book yourselves another weekend away and have a fab time.

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