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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL highjacking mini break

314 replies

CowPatRoberts · 12/02/2016 16:14

Long post, buckle up.

Myself and DP have been saving up for a long weekend away in Scotland at the end of March, bit of context but we’ve both started new jobs in the last 6 months which have really reduced our time together so this was something we’ve been looking forward to.

DP had the great idea of booking an apartment that he and his family have visited on a number of occasions, he’s familiar with the owners and it really fits all our requirements. As his parents’ place is on the way he called them last week to let them know we’d be in the area and that we’d love to drop in. They chatted for a while, made plans- great!

Then Monday evening I received an email from DSIL asking if the pool(??) was going to be available because if so she’d need a new costume. I assumed it was a mistake- I was wrong.

Apparently DMIL had thought about mine and DP’s trip over the weekend and realised it would make a brilliant family getaway! She called her parents, her brother, DSIL and DBIL to make sure they and all their kids were free to come along. She then called us (apparently to tell us about the sudden influx of mad relatives) after she spoke to all of the family on Sunday, but we missed the call and when we tried to call back they’d gone to bed.

The next day she called the family who owns the apartment and asked to cancel the reservation for our 2 bed place we’d reserved, so they could instead rent out one of the larger properties on offer- a 6 bed house with an indoor pool. They’ve used this place in the past for family parties etc so the owners assumed everything was agreed with us and happily switched the reservation for them.

So the first I hear about it is when the owners of the property call me up to ask if I’d like a refund for the other property or whether I wanted it applying to the new booking. DP called his DM Wednesday evening and was told “If you’d answered the phone Sunday night we would have told you then but it’s too late to change now!”

He told her that this was supposed to be a romantic getaway and we’d be delighted to organise a trip away with everyone another time, and again she answered that we should have gotten back to her on Sunday as it’s all paid for now and everyone booked time off on Monday.

They’ve been going round and round with this since then. When he brought up she had not asked us before planning she claimed “I didn’t know I needed to ask, I thought you cared about family and would be HAPPY to spend time with us…other people would kill for an opportunity like this…Grandma is getting old and this may be our last chance etc”

We’ve talked about just giving in and planning another romantic getaway for another time but we also don’t want to send a message that this is acceptable behaviour. WIBU to tell her to stuff her family getaway and use the money to bugger off abroad?

OP posts:
RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 12/02/2016 16:49

Go elsewhere. Far far away. Grin

If you cave, it'll just give her carte blanche to do it again.

The moment your DH explained that it wasn't OK and it was just supposed to be the two of you she should have backed off, apologised and maybe just suggested a family pub lunch for while you're up there. Then it would have been something you all laughed off.

The fact she's still pressing for it means she is being VVVVVU.

Wink
TheDayIBroke · 12/02/2016 16:49

I second not going on principle. Angry Angry

Bloody hell, I would be so angry with MIL - does she know what boundaries are? Add the fact that she is not in the least bit sorry or ashamed of her enthusiastic actions and has turned it around to be YOUR fault for not answering the phone.

Get a refund and go elsewhere and tell your beloved to never tell his mother your plans again.

If you let this one go, she will do it repeatedly.

revealall · 12/02/2016 16:50

I don't know....if you hardly see each other you probably don't see extended family either. I'd go just to get it out of the way.
I get you are angry and disappointed in MIL but you did say you would be dropping in to see her- not what I would on a romantic break.

I'd explain honestly that it was just for you you but if she's happy to pay. you'll go along with it and use the refund to rebook for your romantic break when you can.

I understand that the owners were friends and trying to be helpful. I would have a quiet word perhaps so they don't make this mistake again/ for anyone else.

rumbleinthrjungle · 12/02/2016 16:50

YANBU in the slightest!! Bloody cheeky mare! Shock

Grab the refund, go abroad, have dirty romantic weekend and enjoy yourselves, this is selfish of MiL in the extreme.

CowPatRoberts · 12/02/2016 16:51

I personally think if we allow this to happen once then we're setting a precedent. It's just the inevitable shit storm of guilt tripping I'd like to avoid.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 12/02/2016 16:55

Get a refund.
Head for Cornwall.

Katenka · 12/02/2016 16:55

Don't go.

Me and dh were away at the coast on our only break we were getting the that year. We went Friday morning to Sunday afternoon.

So Saturday was the only full day there and his dad turned up to spend the day at the beach with dh. I was furious, but didn't say anything.

He tried it again the next we went away, but mentioned it before and I told him this was a break or me and dh to spend time together. Not for them two to have a day at the beach.

I also said that if he wanted to spend time with dh to arrange it rather than intruding on ours.

revealall · 12/02/2016 16:56

Surely the mis understanding was that you arranged to meet up and "made plans".
If you just say " we're having a mini break together" then that's that.

deregistered · 12/02/2016 16:56

Of course don't go!

There really doesn't have to be a drama or formal emails to the family starting with 'regretfully'!!

It's nothing against the family, you just wanted a weekend to yourself, that's all, just keep saying that or just don't bother.

If she's upset let her be upset. If you feel like it say 'if anyone should be upset it should be us who've had our mini break hijacked/ruined'.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 12/02/2016 16:57

“If you’d answered the phone Sunday night we would have told you then but it’s too late to change now!”

My parents can be like that. It's exhausting.

Witchend · 12/02/2016 16:57

Phone up get a refund, go somewhere else and don't tell her. Switch your mobiles off. When she askes where you were tell her you tried to phone to tell her the change of plan, but she didn't answer the phone.

EweAreHere · 12/02/2016 16:57

Don't go. If you do, it's precedent setting, and she'll ride roughshod over your plans whenever she feels like it. And tell the rest of the family what she did ... she knows she's behaved badly, which is why she's trying to blame you for not returning a phone call. Separate issue; don't let her make that the reason.

Lottapianos · 12/02/2016 16:57

'I personally think if we allow this to happen once then we're setting a precedent. It's just the inevitable shit storm of guilt tripping I'd like to avoid.'

Absolutely right - it will set a precedent, a very unpleasant one. Stand firm OP - make alternative plans for you and your DH. Re the guilt tripping - ignore, ignore, ignore. Ignore like your life depends on it. If in a situation where you can't ignore, smile, nod and change the subject. Treat it like a child's tantrum - stay calm and it will pass. That is decades of guilt-tripping experience speaking!

She sounds extremely jealous of your romantic getaway by the way Hmm

AcrossthePond55 · 12/02/2016 16:57

If the long weekend involves taking time off work, I'd decline MiL's 'invitation' and book another weekend*. I certainly wouldn't want to take a day's leave to go somewhere I really didn't want to be.

If it doesn't involve taking a day's leave I'd probably suck it up and go, providing I could afford to do the romantic weekend another time.

*The most valuable lesson to be learnt? NEVER tell MiL your plans more than a day or two ahead. She'll get used to your well planned ahead 'spur of the moment' trips!

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2016 16:59

And people wonder why MILs get a tough break on here. Haha!!

eddielizzard · 12/02/2016 17:01

there will be loads of guilt tripping. brace yourself.

get refund and go somewhere else. fucking hell.

sodabreadjam · 12/02/2016 17:04

I am probably in your MIL's age group and I wouldn't dream of doing that - it is outrageous. I agree with others who have said you should go somewhere else on principle - it is the thin end of the wedge.

I also think that the owner of the accommodation was probably breaking date protection law by discussing your booking (i.e. admitting you had booked there) never mind altering/cancelling a booking you had made. You should have words with him.

Mouthfulofquiz · 12/02/2016 17:05

Blimey. Just don't go. Book somewhere else and don't even tell them.

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2016 17:05

Wow. I want to see what happens with this!

Ameliablue · 12/02/2016 17:06

If it was me I would go along with it. I'd make it clear she needs to ask next time but I wouldn't fall out with family if it can be avoided.
Also next time I'd make sure any planned romantic breaks were in the opposite direction and don't give her any details.

BreatheandFlyAway · 12/02/2016 17:06

TBH as soon as you said your DP suggested the place his family always go and then phoned his mum to say you'd stop on the way, flags waved. Romantic weekend should be your own thing, not a repeat of his family's thing. How much of a say in destination did you have?

Also, do you know what was originally said between DP and MIL? Did he give her some encouragement and now doesn't dare tell you?

Whatever, it's his family and up to him to sort it. Perhaps you could develop a family crisis of your own at the last minute and let him enjoy his time with extended family without you - then with DP lovingly plan a different get away just for you two to a destination far from his family and agreed by both of you.

He and your MIL should get the message clearly without his family creating the legend that you "spoilt" the great get-together, which will be remembered and repeated for decades to come if you both refuse to go now.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/02/2016 17:07

Get the refund and then

Either

  1. tell them you won't join them or
  2. to avoid the shitstorm have something urgent come up in work so you can't make that weekend and book another weekend away without telling them until you come back.
lavenderhoney · 12/02/2016 17:09

She sounds like my ex mil. Stop telling her your plans although dropping in for tea is a big jump to " and the best bit is ( drum roll) that we're joining get you on your romantic break"

What does your dh want to do?

Tartyflette · 12/02/2016 17:09

Have you decided to put up and shut up, OP?
On your own head be it. A dangerous precedent will be set.

Your mil is saying "if we don't hear anything from you we assume it's OK"
Imagine if they used this same precept for other things. and they will
We spent ££££ on this crap (but its for yoouuu) .... We're coming to live near/with you..... We told the grandchildren they're coming to stay every weekend.....

No, no, a thousand times no. This needs to be enforced.

BolshierAryaStark · 12/02/2016 17:12

What you decide to do will indeed be precedent setting, not going really is the way to go or you have got shit like this for years to come...