Ds 11 teacher has just made me feel shit am I unreasonable homework related!!!!!

[Dickorydockwhatthe]

just come back from ds parent evening and I'm so annoyed. DS 11 is in year 6 and really struggles in school. He has been diagnosed with a processing condition linked to his speech and language which effects his reading, writing and understanding of things. He often gets confused and forgets things such as his reading books, home work book he is completely disoarganised and it is tiring and very frustrating for us both!!!!
Anyway I've literally just been interrogated by his teacher about when ds goes to bed and what days do we do his homework I.e reading, written task, spellings and times tables.
I admit we are not always on task as dh and I both work full time and have another ds to care for too. Evenings are normally hectic and a rush and the homework is normally given out on the Monday ready to be handed in on Friday so not great when everyone has had a hard day and are tired of an evening.
I feel for ds as he really struggles and often comes home tired and doesn't want to do it which leads to a melt down!!! DS normally goes to the library on a Monday with grandparents to do his homework ( written task). We then try and do spellings through out the week and occasional reading if he is not too tired although I prefer to do this at the weekend. His teacher basically made me feel like shit because he should be reading every day, should be doing spellings and needs to know his times tables. She asked me about his bedtime and I explained he goes to bed between 7.30-8pm but he shares with his brother so they normally get up to go toilet to have a drink etc and a chat. I can't help that I tell them off and one goes bed before the other but they do play up.
I'm just annoyed as I'm not a bad parent. I do care and worry for ds as he is behind. But I also think they get too much homework and they are over loaded. They need time to come home and switch off there needs to be a balance.

I should have added that on a practical level, below are a few of the types of strategies she has learned/uses.

The LS teacher helped her to start a diary of what she has to do and when, most days DD pops into his office and he will do a quick review with her.

He taught her to be a note taker, she takes some amazing notes and uses different coloured pens to emphasise different things, it really helps her when she is reviewing for a test. The spelling is atrocious but she understands it.

Her LS teacher is guiding her on mind-mapping which seems to be an amazing strategy to learn for anyone, if she can see it visually it will all come together quicker for her.

She uses a laptop in school.

She gets extra time for tests and a quiet area to do the tests in.

She is exempt from a second language (sadly!).

BTW, we spent a fortune on tutors and it was just a bit more of the same for her, she mostly hated it, wasted half the time moaning about why she had to do it, on more than one occasion totally embarrassed us with a meltdown, but we thought we were doing the right thing for her at the time.

The best money we spent was on the Ed Psych report as that really helped us focus on where her challenges lay and helped the school to change gear to support her learning.

Just to add, we are not in the UK, our kids go to an International school abroad.

Email the teacher and ask for all the homework each Friday so that you have the weekend to work on it if need be.

With reading, both boys can read to themselves for half an hour in bed. You can sit with them if need be and read to yourself too. It's a good way to wind down and will help them be sleep ready.

My DS had (past tense, he's adult now) a lot of similar issues, including needing time to detox after school. But he was an early morning child, so I found that if we sat down between 6-7am, he could read and do homework much more easily.
I agree with insanity, if he has additional needs, these issues aren't going to get easier for years and he's going to need support at home and in school. From both parents.
I also agree that the climate in schools has changed dramatically, far more pressure on results and core subjects, and an enormous impact on the teachers and the school if children don't fit into those specific deadlines for achievements. Tables are an example., now they are all supposed to know them by the end of Y4 (9yo) and that includes the related division calculations.
The government doesn't care much about the happiness and well-being of individual children, and are unrealistic about demands that all should be able to achieve along similar lines regardless of their own strengths and weaknesses. It's one of the many reasons that teaching is in crisis and why so many teachers leave. So many things are demanded that are not realistic.

I do love how some schools have a habit of 'passing' the buck with kids with SN. I have a son with a very high IQ but equally high level of dyslexia and other SN. School seamed to be convinced that the reason he could not read was because i struggled to get him to do homework/spellings, they were always slightly annoyed when I asked why as professionals and with 6 hours a day 5 days a week they felt they had less of an impact than me. And as for the teacher checking the home 'learning enviroment' - home is supposed to be a ' loving enviroment' above everythng else.

I think some people have been less than understanding on here. I am a mother of 3, two sen and a secondary school teacher. Sometimes it is too much and that's very much the case for children who struggle.
We are doing speaking and listening today with year seven and then I am telling them NO homework for half term (I always chat to them about what they are reading) as they need a proper rest - they are low ability.

'they were always slightly annoyed when I asked why as professionals and with 6 hours a day 5 days a week they felt they had less of an impact than me'

Possibly the difference between 1:1 tuition and support and 1:30+
I can't see things improving if schools, teachers, performance management, pay and progression are linked to how the children perform in tests.
It's sad when you are in a school and a pupil arrives or leaves and the first response is entirely on whether that child will/has achieve acceptable levels and if their behaviour is challenging or beneficial to the school.
Rather than looking at the individual and what the school can do to help them thrive.
But it happens in primaries all over the place. Sighs of relief.

'they were always slightly annoyed when I asked why as professionals and with 6 hours a day 5 days a week they felt they had less of an impact than me'

Probably because it was a remarkably stupid thing to say.

YANBU: Reading should be a pleasure not a tantrum-inducing nightmare for the whole family. Read to him, practice the odd time table when driving about in the car, get him to do occasional written tasks to make him feel helpful and important (write birthday cards, shopping lists, note for the milkman etc) and that should be enough at his age. I've just been to DD's Year 6 parents' evening in which I was told I have to take an hour off work in the middle of the day to attend a workshop where I will learn how to approach maths problems in a "new" way with my child. When I pointed out that this was impossible, I was told that a neighbour could come instead! I then pointed out that my neighbour will not be helping with the homework but I was told that someone has to be there or my child will be left out and not able to take part. So it is, essentially, a a tick-box exercise for which they are prepared to use emotional blackmail and probably has very little to do with my child learning Maths. I really feel for teachers at the moment, they are under the most incredible stress to achieve all this nonsense but we, as parents, have to put our children first and not give in to it all. Our children do not need this level of stress at the age of 11.

First World excuses. If he can find a way to do it, your DS can too.

YABU.

it's so tough and utterly draining for parents as well as students. It's impossible to truely understand what it is like to pick your child up after every school day because the sheer process of being there exhausts them.
My DS has ASD plus difficulties with processing and planning. The whole environment of the school day is stressful including turning up for lessons and a cover teacher being there. He melts down or shuts down at home. School try and say it's normal because of ASD. I say he's only hot crisis point of a meltdown bevause his anxiety levels have increased due to unmet need and inadequate support.

Sometimes it's just near on impossible to get people to understand. Sometimes I think it's due to them not understanding and sometimes I think it's deliberately misunderstanding.

But in the middle of it all is a child - a child who should be learning and more importantly fostering an interest in learning. By piling on the pressure and making school and learning a chore it's teaching them the opposite and storing up future troubles.

So much for inclusion then aurynne.
How about Third world solutions?
You don't have to be literate and numerate to the level expected of our Y6 to have a useful role and job in society as an adult. You are recognised and valued for your skills in other areas as a farmer, mechanic, artisan?
Not just whether you can explain and use a fronted adverbial or deal with complex geometry.

A child with additional needs will have been working harder all day.

As I teacher I used to wonder how parents did not manage to get these things done in the evening, (thankfully I never actually said that out loud to parents) as parent I know how difficult it is wth a child with additional needs to do these things. Ds is incapabel of doingmore that reading at home. several hours of de-compression after school because they are not able to meet his needs (sometimes through no fault of their own) Sometimes we have melt downs for several hours.

It is easy for people with children without additional needs to comment. Also if you have a child with additional needs he/she will not be the same as OP's child.

I don't have experience with SEN per se but I do sympathise with everyone who has a child who is 'resistant' when it comes to homework. Being tired and needing a break can make it really hard for some children to sit down and do more when they get home. Even more so if they struggle to retain the information and instructions.

My DD (9) used to get very frustrated with homework for these reasons, and each time it ended up with her screwing it up and throwing it across the room. It lead to her losing all faith in her own abilities.

I spoke with her teacher who was amazing and agreed (without DD knowing) to give her an easier and totally achievable homework task for a couple of weeks only, just to ensure she could do it with no problems, to boost her confidence and get her over the hurdle. It absolutely worked, and a year later homework is a non-issue (most of the time!)

OP - it's a shame that homework timelines for your school don't include a weekend. Could you maybe approach the teacher and ask for it to be given out on Fridays instead of Mondays?

I think in essence the school have quizzed you about whether you are doing enough to support your child, but you can definitely ask the same of them. A couple of small or short-term changes by the teacher might make all the difference.

Good luck!

It's a shame that most people on here seem to think that someone who is struggling just needs to work harder - but I guess that's just a sign of the times. Disabled people are really just slackers.

The reality is that doing more of what hasn't worked in the last 6.5 years of compulsory achooling isn't going to magically cure the OP's son's special needs.

What's really shocking is that he seems to have a diagnosis - but no adjustments are being made?

i understand your frustrations completely, i work full time and am adjusting to becoming a lone parent. i am very lucky i have my parents help support with homework and daily reading as once i get in from work its time for tea and then they both have activities 3 out of 5 week nights and most of saturday. i do main homework on a friday as soon as they get home from my mums and reading on a sunday. i think some parents find it easier than others. Tiredness is not an excuse for not doing homework though, my children moan the whole time and its honestly a nightmare trying to get them to complete it, even with all the help from my parents i still find fitting everything in overwhelming sometimes so i get where u r coming from.

just try to understand the teacher has targets and she probably wasnt trying to make you feel bad

I don't think the amount of homework is wrong for his age group. In fact DD in year 4 gets most weeks, maths, English, reading, spelling and is supposed to learn her times tables. But they get there homework sheets on a Friday so they can be done over a weekend.

The problem you have is a soon with SEN I totally get that problem. I'm dyslexic, I couldn't read at his age. Everything was a strugle and took 10x longer for me to do. He'll be tired and overload when he comes home from school.

Others are right he needs to work in short bit sizes time frames. Maybe if you can afford it some additional support outside of school would be helpful. My parents did this for me. I know it's more work for him but I do believe it helped me. My tutor would help with what ever I needed. Extra reading, homework ect, she was an experienced primary teacher.

OP YANBU. My son has Aspergers. By the time we've left school and arrived home with a whopping 60 minute transitioning meltdown outside school gates and 40 minute bus journey, no homework is not a priority. Not in YR4. We keep up with reading. But tbh he would me much better off being homeschooled in a less pressurised environment.

I don't understand the obsession to push children so hard so young. He enjoys learning in different ways which doesn't fit in with this results and target driven factory farming education.

I think you need to understand that there is a massive difference between chatting to you brother at night, and doing homework, reading etc, when there is a sensory processing disorder.

I'm well aware of the issues around processing disorders, thanks.

YANBU

DS1 is in year 5, and has SEN, and am still trying to get support from school and I am trying to get support and work out exactly what his difficulties are. After speaking to someone lovely from a local support group, we think he has a visual processing disorder, and he is really struggling in school. It doesn't help that the teacher is also senco and is far from supportive and helpful.

By the time he gets home, he is exhausted, and struggles to sit down and concentrate, he gets the generic homework (lots for year 5, including reading, spelling, maths, English, geography) and he has a meltdown as he just can't cope with any more as he has struggled all day in school. It takes hours to do his homework. He even gets homework in the holidays!

I remember having hardly any homework in primary school, and I got to spend time after school enjoying being a kid.

I have no answers for you, but I understand where you are coming from

Is it worth just asking the teacher what the most essential things are. I suspect reading and times tables.

Both can be done in quite a low key way. Sod the spellings and extras

Thankyou to every one who has replied and understands where I'm coming from. Maybe I wasn't clear in my first posting but I guess if you are not or have not been in some one else shoes then you will not understand my concerns and worries as a parent. My child's well being is so much more important then meeting a target or deadline.

Are you saying that the fact they share a room means he's often tired because they are chatting to each other? Could one go to bed 20 mins earlier? Or could you sit in the room until they sleep? What can you do to sort this?

First World excuses. If he can find a way to do it, your DS can too.

Sorry, just need to clarify - are you saying nobody in the developing world is disabled? If so, perhaps you might want to Google Zika, and the effects it is having.

Oh, and this might help you avoid making such a mesmerisingly utter fool of yourself, next time you post.

The teacher's only motivation is to help your ds achieve his potential

Hate this. Nobody knows ANYONE'S potential, not even a person themselves.

As regards homework in Year 6, tell school he's not doing it. It's not mandatory. DS's primary did no homework at all (and very little in high school). Still came out with 10 GCSEs and 3 A Levels.

Think a good few replies on here are rather self righteous and not very helpful.

Does your DS have set reading or does he have to record what he does read in a book?
Maybe a good place to start is to encourage a love of reading. Get him some reading materials that will pique his interest (Dairy of a Wimpy Kid seems popular or maybe he'd prefer an AdventureTime comic book) and also give him half and hour before lights out at bedtime to read it in bed. Don't force him to read it, let him learn to enjoy it on his own. Sell it as something you think he might find fun.