Ds 11 teacher has just made me feel shit am I unreasonable homework related!!!!!

[Dickorydockwhatthe]

just come back from ds parent evening and I'm so annoyed. DS 11 is in year 6 and really struggles in school. He has been diagnosed with a processing condition linked to his speech and language which effects his reading, writing and understanding of things. He often gets confused and forgets things such as his reading books, home work book he is completely disoarganised and it is tiring and very frustrating for us both!!!!
Anyway I've literally just been interrogated by his teacher about when ds goes to bed and what days do we do his homework I.e reading, written task, spellings and times tables.
I admit we are not always on task as dh and I both work full time and have another ds to care for too. Evenings are normally hectic and a rush and the homework is normally given out on the Monday ready to be handed in on Friday so not great when everyone has had a hard day and are tired of an evening.
I feel for ds as he really struggles and often comes home tired and doesn't want to do it which leads to a melt down!!! DS normally goes to the library on a Monday with grandparents to do his homework ( written task). We then try and do spellings through out the week and occasional reading if he is not too tired although I prefer to do this at the weekend. His teacher basically made me feel like shit because he should be reading every day, should be doing spellings and needs to know his times tables. She asked me about his bedtime and I explained he goes to bed between 7.30-8pm but he shares with his brother so they normally get up to go toilet to have a drink etc and a chat. I can't help that I tell them off and one goes bed before the other but they do play up.
I'm just annoyed as I'm not a bad parent. I do care and worry for ds as he is behind. But I also think they get too much homework and they are over loaded. They need time to come home and switch off there needs to be a balance.

Stop making excuses. If he's too tired in the evenings, get him to read to you over breakfast. Same with the spellings and homework. You are setting your son up to have a really hard transition into secondary school.

Could the teacher email you each homework - to cut down on misunderstandings/forgetting hw book?

Times tables CDs can be played in the car.
Read to him in bed. We did paragraph read by parents, paragraph read by child, batting back and forth like tennis.

Also - recent eyetest? Might be worth having one performed just in case (one of mine had tracking/convergence issues in one eye, the ophthalmologist {sp} gave a sheet of exercises that were surprisingly effective for such a low tech solution)

Yes ds refuses to do it with dh too so normally all left to me!!! I just feel so sad for ds and kids today so much pressure. I often have to bring work home with me and I know that after a full day of working it's no use trying to do it until the weekend.

Yabu. There's no reason he should be too tired to read in the eve, however if you've set the example that you cba to help him, then who can blame him?

I get you. Our problem isn't reading, but maths, and understanding processes. Also general focus.
I totally recognise the thing about coming home with only half an understanding of what needs to be done. And the melt downs.
That's a very different prospect to just consolidating stuff already understood in class.
There is way too much pressure on kids now. Not much you can do about it, but it isn't good for them.
I have been told off a bit in the past by teachers too, and it's quite humiliating really.
Try getting an organiser / wall whiteboard ds can fill in, and map his week on. And maybe send him to bed a little later? 8 seems early. That way he has a longer evening to chill, and do some reading.

If he struggles I wouldn't make him sit for an hour that's too much pressure 10 minutes and then a break until the next thing

It sounds like a lot of pressure. I do not think you are unreasonable but maybe a bit of time at weekends would be better.I do agree re pressure regarding SATS

Ds has a overlay and I brought a cd for the car. I just think he is overloaded. He reads twice daily in school. He attends intervention groups etc and when he comes home he is has just had enough. Watching him read is painful makes me want to cry.

The teacher can't make you feel anything. It sounds like you know you aren't on top of your childs homework and you object to it being pointed out to you.

Can't he read to himself, rather than you have to find time to sit and listen to him reading aloud?
TBH Y6 is a bit late for learning the times tables - the rest of the class would have perfected these at least a year ago. It will cause problems at secondary if he arrives not knowing them.

Are these connected to his SEN?

I wouldn't like to be questioned by a teacher like you have been but on the other hand it shows that she cares enough to risk getting her head bitten off if you take her concern badly.

Sometimes I just read to him because I don't want him to enjoy it not see it as a chore.

I think this is lovely. Ds1 is a similar age and still enjoys being read to. Of course they still get so much from this too. Also agree that family time shouldn't be taken up by spellings, and there was a thread on here recently saying that learning spellings for tests is a waste of time, as the kids that know them, well know them, and the kids that don't forget them after the test anyway.

Also, get him to watch the YouTube video by tecmath called 'times table trick using your hands'. It helped my DS a lot. Life's too short to be wasting time on this stuff if its doesn't come easily (not saying times tables aren't useful btw).

sorry x posted - i see you've answered some of this.

Does the teacher make adjustments to the homework to take his learning difficulties into Account? Learning times tables for a child with those difficulties is ten times the work than a regular situation. I get the tiredness and exhaustion. Every day in school is a battle for him and he expends more energy than others. This needs to be taken into account. It's good you are reading more at the weekend when he is not so overloaded. On the forgetting of books l know it's expensive but having a second set at home takes the stress out of that. Could you get them second hand? Also for times tables Topmarks Hit the button is a good site to practice or download the app and let him practice in the car on your phone. Does he do any fun things after school to clear his head and give him a chance to unwind. It's hard as the parent as we feel we understand their difficulties more than anyone else and it's difficult to explain to others. I speak as a mom of a ds with dyslexia and one with dyspraxia and lm a teacher.

If your DS has a speech and language processing condition, are the school supporting him enough and is the teacher taking that into account? I have family members with dyslexia and your OP sounded familiar from their experiences of schools not putting the appropriate support in place and then placing the responsibility on the families to compensate for their DC's learning difficulties. And, of course, you do need to compensate but you can't make it disappear.

You'll know yourself if you should feel shit about your approach to your DS' homework, but if you feel the teacher's criticisms are unjustified, then arrange another meeting (when you will have more time than at a parents' night) and get the school on board to work with you to get your DS the support that he needs and to have his targets adjusted accordingly. Your current approach sounds a bit chaotic and that won't help your DS or you.

I hear you because this sounds like my daughter. She wasn't great in Year 6. I had to be very heavily involved practically dictating to her. If I didn't she'd sit there twiddling her pens and we get nowhere. She's at secondary now and she is no better. I do my best and the new school is aware of her problems and it's actually quite supportive of me without being judgemental. I do agree that your teacher sounds judgemental and is over simplifying the issue. Your son has difficulties which are nothing to do with what time he goes to bed or what his home environments is like. It's a medical issue and it would be difficult no matter how perfect you made it and, while it is your responsibility in junior school,at some point it's going to be his and because of his issues he is going to find it difficult and he needs to support from both you and the school with that and it needs to be a partnership, not the teacher telling you off because that won't help anyone and it is pretty ignorant of her actually

Bollocks someone "can't make you feel anything! " That's just one of those truisms that gets trotted out, but is actually complete rubbish.
Sorry, but it just reminds me of my mum ( queen of passive aggression) , who, when I would complain she always made me feel guilty would say " if you feel guilty that's because you feel guilty. I can't make you.." Ha!

There is actually every reason a child with SEN who has processing difficulties would struggle to process more information after school. Some pupils with SeN find just processing the lesson content a struggle. Putting on more pressure can be entirely counter productive.

In year 6 my DS had a reader/scribe. He had daily interventions for about 45 minutes as well as 2 afternoons a week out of class in a nurture unit. He had homework which he did one evening per week at a set time.

This was the year my DS made most progress.

In certain situations, with very specific learning difficulties, where (in the case of my ds who's cognitive ability is top 10th percentile) - less is more.

Good point about is his homework set to his needs, ds often has different homework/spellings to other children. Sometimes he gets the same but it is never unmanageable.

I think a proper meeting with the class teacher and senco is needed as it doesn't sound like your ds has been given the right support in school either

My other ds 8 gets his homework over the weekend so then we just concentrate on reading during the week which makes things so much easier. The thing with ds is he often doesn't understand what he has learnt in school. So we have to start from scratch plus I don't want to do it just to get a tick I want him to fully understand. For example, he has look, cover, say, spellings it should take 5 minutes each day to complete according to his teacher but the method doesn't work for him. I often get him to write it out a few times. We write them in the air with our fingers and use magnetic letters and if I can and have time I print them out around the room or write them in colours for ds to help him remember.

Tbh if you have a child with any sort of SEN you have to suck up the fact that you are going to have to put in a huge amount of support. Dd is y8 and has ASD and it is really a joint effort between home and school that keeps her achieving in school. I pack her bag,I organise homework,I email teachers and teachers email me so that she has what she needs and has done what needs doing, I supervise her homework,I organise resources, I read the set texts etc etc because if I didn't she would flounder.
You really do need to get a handle on this now because next year there will be homework every day,there will be bags to pack,research to be done, homework to be printed off and filed, ingredients to be bought,sports kits to pack, it really is relentless tbh but what other option is there?

That makes sense. My daughter is in Year 7. She is in all the bottom groups and haa learning support. She's not diagnosed with anything but does have difficulties with concentration and just doesn't seem to get things like other children but when you talk to her she seems a bright little thing. It just does not transfer into her work. Her homework is supposed to be 1 hour a night but because of her abilities it can take up to 3 hours. She doesn't cope with tiredness well either and frequently loses her temper throwing pens and books around and stuff. It's awful. My son is 7 and is reasonably bright. He sometimes is a bit resistant to doing stuff but not to this degree and he's quicker getting things done and understands things more easily so I know it's not down to parenting

"I just think he is overloaded"

He probably is. Reading to him and making it fun is a nice alternative IMO. Then maybe take some time for him to read to you at the weekend.

Please ignore the arsey responses here. You have put this in AIBU and there are lots of people here who just like to have a go. Whatever you say, certain posters will want to pick at you.

If I were you I'd maybe ask this question again in SEN.

I doubt the teacher meant to make you feel bad, maybe s/he thinks your ds is capable of doing much better than he is and of course secondary school is looming... What does the SENCO say? A bit of reading/ spelling and times tables every day shouldn't be so taxing, but if he really can't do it, can the SEN support step in and suggest something? Maybe school and you can come up with a timetable (Mon 15 min reading, written homework, Tue 10 min reading, 10 min times tables, 5 words to spell, Wed 15 min reading, 5 spellings etc) to come up with half an hour per day in a more structured way?

Does he have to get up very early? There might be room to extend the evening, my (much younger) dc has a 9pm bedtime, bringing his after school time to 5- 6 hours.

Keep flash cards in the car of all spelling , it helps with practice, and makes good use of all those journeys,good opportunity for timetables .

Several of mine found they were better suited to getting up early and doing homework before breakfast.

I feel your pain, OP.

Hearing my DD is painful. She wants to read books which are too difficult for her, and she becomes frustrated. School don't send home a reading book because it's her responsibility to change it, and she hadn't changed it since October...every time I bring up a lack of book with school in told it's her responsibility. I want to read to her but often can only read a few pages before I start to fall asleep.

When DD was younger I used to listen to her in the car before I dropped her at before school club. That seemed to work well for us, but now I have to be at work 10mins after before school club opens. yes I'm late most days- I pay someone to do her homework with heroine night a week while I cook dinner. This will stop after SATs.