Ds 11 teacher has just made me feel shit am I unreasonable homework related!!!!!

[Dickorydockwhatthe]

just come back from ds parent evening and I'm so annoyed. DS 11 is in year 6 and really struggles in school. He has been diagnosed with a processing condition linked to his speech and language which effects his reading, writing and understanding of things. He often gets confused and forgets things such as his reading books, home work book he is completely disoarganised and it is tiring and very frustrating for us both!!!!
Anyway I've literally just been interrogated by his teacher about when ds goes to bed and what days do we do his homework I.e reading, written task, spellings and times tables.
I admit we are not always on task as dh and I both work full time and have another ds to care for too. Evenings are normally hectic and a rush and the homework is normally given out on the Monday ready to be handed in on Friday so not great when everyone has had a hard day and are tired of an evening.
I feel for ds as he really struggles and often comes home tired and doesn't want to do it which leads to a melt down!!! DS normally goes to the library on a Monday with grandparents to do his homework ( written task). We then try and do spellings through out the week and occasional reading if he is not too tired although I prefer to do this at the weekend. His teacher basically made me feel like shit because he should be reading every day, should be doing spellings and needs to know his times tables. She asked me about his bedtime and I explained he goes to bed between 7.30-8pm but he shares with his brother so they normally get up to go toilet to have a drink etc and a chat. I can't help that I tell them off and one goes bed before the other but they do play up.
I'm just annoyed as I'm not a bad parent. I do care and worry for ds as he is behind. But I also think they get too much homework and they are over loaded. They need time to come home and switch off there needs to be a balance.

See page 26 of this document or Slide 8 on this webpage which might help back up an argument of discrimination under the DDA.

Can he have a nap when he gets in from school? Half an hour nap, up for tea then homework after which he can play and have a bath at 8 before be do?

Not that I'm suggesting that you take any sort of legal action. Simply that you tell the school you believe the current homework expectations discriminate against him in terms of the DDA and therefore you want those expectations adjusted.

Sorry, I realise on reflection my answer was totally facile. With regards to practical help, how we managed was - don't intensively learn spellings, none of it sticks anyway - I downloaded the "squeebles" app though, and get DS to do that a few times on the iPad - basically you input the spellings each week and it tests them. Homework that required extensive writing - I would scribe for him and note on the homework that he had dictated it. Reading - we would alternate reading pages, or if really tired he would read a paragraph here and there while I read most of it. And be unapologetic with school, you're doing your best in shitty circumstances.

Seconded on the DDA point. And I would suggest that they set up a homework club - DS is thrilled by his school's (it gets him out of assembly, as an added bonus!).

YANBU and a big hug. Been there.

I feel for ds as he really struggles and often comes home tired and doesn't want to do it which leads to a melt down!!! DS normally goes to the library on a Monday with grandparents to do his homework ( written task). We then try and do spellings through out the week and occasional reading if he is not too tired although I prefer to do this at the weekend. His teacher basically made me feel like shit because he should be reading every day, should be doing spellings and needs to know his times tables.

That is not making reasonable adjustments. And of course the disability (which was mentioned before the hectic schedule) impacts on the child's ability to do homework in that brief and exhausted window.

I don't work outside school hours because DS could not cope. A lot of families have no choice - if they didn't have those wages coming in they would be unable to house, feed and clothe the kids at all. And even with my far gentler schedule, DS cannot do all the homework given... and he is on the G&T register, so he isn't even academically impaired in any way. He is just tired, because life takes more out of him than it does most kids.

You can't separate out family time available and the disability. If you had a neuro-developmentally disabled child, you would not need to have this explained to you.

That's a really early bedtime for his age. My DC's were about 8.30-9.00 at that age. Since they're not actually sleeping, why are they going that early? Later bedtime would mean you could have more of a homework routine - in, a bit of downtime, have tea, homework then bedtime routine. The more disorganised your child is, the more important it is to have a clear routine. Sit down and plan it out, even draw up a timetable. Talk to your child about what would suit them - splitting bits of work up evenly, or blitzing it on certain days.

Dickorydockwhatthe you are getting roasted tonight! I personally think that having a children with SENs needs a gentle touch. School can be an overwhelming place and if the child is not in the right mental zone to learn, that is not in an anxious state, learning will just not happen. I don't think enough importance is given to let children relax, and not worry. Yes homework should be encouraged but not to the point of stress. If I were you I would be encouraging him gently to do homework and maybe rewarding his efforts but not to the point of stress.

Blimey. There does seem to be a whiff of 'if your child can't do x minutes of homework now he'll never amount to anything in this thread which I think is a bit unhelpful. I really believe children develop at different rates. I have two boys, one in year 7 and one in year 10. The one in year 10 struggled at junior school and I backed off with pressurising him to do homework. We just did what I thought he could cope with and he's now predicted As for most of his GCSEs - not boasting just saying there is hope! The other boy relished homework and I pushed him harder because it suited him. I believe what helps most is encouraging and support when he's finding it hard. If he works best at weekends, do the reading then, and don't worry what the school says. They really should be giving homework on Fridays to be handed in the following week. It's much more realistic for children to get it done when they and the parents have more time and energy! I found reading together with books he really enjoys worked well. I'd read a chapter and get him to read just a page. It took the pressure off and was more fun. We did timetables in the car on long journeys or trips to clubs. I always believed he'd get there in the end, it just took longer to plug away at it.

I've been there too OP. also. You got some really shitty responses at the beginning of this thread.

YANBU, many schools (and other parents) don't seem to have even the most basic understanding of dc with SN's.

YANBU.

DS(10) in year 6, is severely dyslexic. School work is really difficult for him. Imagine spending all day doing something that didn't come naturally to you, that you disliked doing, that even when you try twice as hard as everyone else, you find it harder than everyone else. Imagine nearly always coming last in everything. That's what it's like for DS. And then to come home and do more of it?? Like you, I think he deserves a break.

So yes, I do support him. We do all homework together, which still takes him twice as long as everyone else. I do meet with the SENCO and his teacher, we work as a team. In our last meeting, I told them there was just no point in him doing the SATS spelling workbook because it just makes no sense to him, and they agreed to let him drop that piece of homework.

So, when it comes to reading...I have tried being strict and getting him to read 10-20 mins a day...and realising how much he hates it and how counter productive that is. If a child is extremely tired AND hates the activity, they are not really going to be learning very much.

So I've learnt to work with him. He likes comics. So I give him a choice. For reading time, he can either look at comics by himself, listen to an audio story or read comics with me sitting beside him. No time limit, except that he stops when he gets tired. Well surprise surprise...he normally chooses to read comics with me and goes over the 20 min mark! He then listens to an audio book at bed time anyway - that way he can enjoy a story without struggling.

DS also used to have meltdowns re homework. I learnt that instead of responding negatively to his meltdown, it was better when I would just see it as him venting. I would agree with him. "Yes, that's tough, you work so hard at school, and when you come home you just want to relax. I get you. But what can we do? If you don't do your homework, you'll have to stay in at break time. Shall we just get it over and done with?" I also found that by giving him some amount of control - i.e. what time to do the homework, where, choice of snack etc. it really helped. I would then go into school to speak to the SENCO and get their support if it got really bad We would talk together, with DS, to reach an agreement. Thankfully he doesn't have the meltdowns anymore.

Re his processing condition, I did a lot of research on dyslexia so that I understood him more, and when I spoke to DS' teacher, I was able to negotiate better. He even had a teacher that didn't believe dyslexia was a thing, he was hard work! But I persisted, no, he's not lazy, he just can't process letters in the same way, just like you'd have problems reading hieroglyphics. I've always found it better to speak with the SENCO and the teacher at the same time anyway. At parent's evening the SENCO is normally present in my case.

Sorry for long post, hope it makes sense, I'm very tired!

I understand that he has issues which may not be being sensitively dealt with by the school. But from what you describe of your evenings - that does seem part of the trouble. If your evenings were quiet and calm and relaxed instead of a 'hectic' and a 'Rush' that would help him enormously.

And it sounds as if your tiredness is as much the problem as his. He's not too tired to chat to his brother at night.

He does need to be reading every day and it's not the same if you read to him because he's not getting the practice. He also needs to know his times tables but that can done learning off by heart from a CD - you can listen to it in the car all the time.

Don't have much to add except that around here in year 6 we get 2 pieces of 30 min homework (essays etc) every night, in addition to reading, spellings etc. We try to get it done every night or else weekends are completely filled by homework (that's often the case anyway, with History projects, French tests etc). Pretty stressful even without any SEN.

He's not too tired to chat to his brother at night.

I think you need to understand that there is a massive difference between chatting to you brother at night, and doing homework, reading etc, when there is a sensory processing disorder.

Chatting with brother is familiar, comfortable, enjoyable, non-taxing, relaxing probably. School work for those with SEN's is an uphill struggle, mentally exhausting - far more of a struggle than for NT dc. The levels of pressure put on out primary aged dc can be bad enough, but when you have processing difficulties as well, far more challenging for both dc and parents. That's what needs to be understood. The school seem to be lacking in this understanding.

8-8.30 seems a more than adequate bedtime for a yr6 child. My yr 3 child goes to bed at that time.

How does all this work when there are other children at home too? I've got one Y4 one YR and a toddler. Finding time to read/do homework/tables with the eldest is a nightmare, there's always someone screaming or wanting something or pooing or something, now the middle one should be reading 5 times a week too, it's just impossible. Half an hour a day just sitting one on one with them? Just impossible. DH doesn't get home till their bedtime.
Dreading parents evening after reading this because I think I'll be told off for not reading enough.

He also needs to know his times tables but that can done learning off by heart from a CD - you can listen to it in the car all the time.

Yep. We use Percy Parker. Works a treat and very painless. Well. If you can cope with the din! (And have a car, of course.)

Also agree that the bedtime is actually a good one for a child of that age - later is less than the recommended amount at that age, in fact - and also that you cannot compare tiredness from school meaning work has to stop with being too tired to chat to a sibling to unwind.

CDs for times tables, though, are miracles when your kid can't do much homework. Absolute lifesaver for us.

You are def not BU...I have RTFT and some of the comments on the last couple of pages appear really useful esp Cakedup and CocktailQueen.
I help out with a charity called Beanstalk which works with primary school children who're struggling with their reading. One of the key aspects of our training was to try and make it fun for them so as well as listening to them read, we play word games etc. You could also read together taking turns each doing voices so it's not such a daunting wodge of text for him.

What's he into outside of school? Maybe get him magazines about those interests...we're always told it doesn't really matter what they're reading as long as they're reading something.

It does sound like you'll need to have a proper chat with the school...won't be fun given how unaccommodating they've been till now.
Maybe you'll get the teacher when she's less tired...she was probably knackered after all those Parents Night interviews - needing her Half Term break just as much as your DS.
Have a good break and maybe stagger those bedtimes!

Yanbu for you.

Some of the advice given on this forum is a load of tosh. Just because a government says 'all kids must have a degree' does not mean it's conducive to that childs well being to try for a degree. Just because a government says 'all kids must do reading at home 5 times a week' doesn't mean that child will love reading. If ever I've seen anything guaranteed to put children off reading it's this force feeding atmosphere you're all being conned into pushing your beautiful children towards. My own grandchildren loved stories when they were little, but as they were forced to read aloud to parents instead of for fun they decided it was work, and gave up on reading. This is so very very sad - my own daughters loved reading, but only because they weren't forced to do it. How many of you have children that LOVE reading just because reading takes you into a whole new world of escapism? This has been stolen from a whole generation of children, and I think it's very, very sad.

My daughter also has processing issues and homework has been the cause of many meltdowns in our house. She finds reading exhausting as she has to read something many times before she's able to process it sufficiently to understand it and therefore reading is just something that is hard work and she gets no pleasure from.

There are things the teacher can be doing in the classroom to make the school day much easier for your child which in turn makes getting homework done less of a battle.

My dd is now at high school and they're really going out of their way to help her, putting a lot of support in place and following recommendations ie sitting her at the front. These are things I had to fight for in primary school (after 'should be seated at the front, closest to the teacher' had been on her file for 3 years, her year 6 teacher had a light bulb moment mid year, telling me 'I've noticed she works better if I sit her at the front!!!!!) and I have to say there's been a big improvement in her now that these things are just happening all the time. She's much better at just getting on with homework as she's less tired, and has more visual instructions so she's more confident she knows what to do.

YANBU. Our Ds has ASD and developmental delays. He was frustrated and exhausted trying to cope with all the nonsense of homework and other expectations. We were able to remedy the situation by home educating him. He is now in his first year at university. I don't know if this an option for your family but it worked well to for us.

YANBU, and I feel for you and your son.

The teacher obviously is overlooking your son's challenges and I think she is being unreasonable to question you about his sleeping habits and the timing of his homework etc. You should not be beating yourself up and trying to justify your working hours, that has nothing to do with his motivation and ability for doing homework, you could spend all day sitting beside him doing homework and it will always be a struggle, and often pointless, unless he gets the correct support in school and learns different strategies for his learning challenges.

My DD, 12, has a language processing disorder, every day at school is a monumental effort for her to just get through it, she says by the end of the day it feels like her brain is about to burst. She comes home utterly exhausted and wiped out. Homework is the very last thing she wants to do.

She is also behind on reading, could never remember spellings no matter how often we practiced them and times tables might as well have been neuro science to her.

Homework was a nightmare, I remember the struggle with a shudder of horror. My DD is doing really well, now that she is supported by an amazing learning support department, she even pulls out her homework on her own without being nagged, coerced, bribed, threatened (all of which used to happen) and there are times she will do it with the LS teacher during the school day.

Have you been able to get your son tested by an Ed Psych? that is probably the way to go if you haven't already done so.

I think the key for your son, is to get him the support to help him find the strategies that work for him.

Good Luck