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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think that an abusive relationship is better than no relationship?

178 replies

ChineseDragonLady · 11/02/2016 16:26

If part of the relationship is abusive as long as most of the relationship is good? Surely it's better to put up with some abuse if you get treated well the rest of the time than it is to spend the rest of your life being lonely and miserable?

OP posts:
OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 12/02/2016 13:14

You can't be in a "good relationship" with a little bit of abuse - you can be in a relationship where abuse happens only once a month, once a year, hardly ever, but if there's abuse it's still an abusive relationship.

There's an analogy I've read that works well, so I hope you don't mind baring with me...

Imagine your relationship is like a nice cup of coffee - the coffee is really good, freshly ground, smells lovely, it's a good cup of coffee in your favourite cup. Except there's poo in it. Not a lot of poo - it's only a really small amount, maybe only 5% of the cup of coffee is poo. Do you still want the coffee?

Maybe if you've been drinking poo coffee for a long time you've forgotten that you can have coffee without poo, or maybe you look at other people drinking their poo-less coffee and think "I could never have that, I only deserve the shitty coffee". Do you think "I would rather have poo coffee than no coffee at all"? Because I do, but I can understand that people get used to something and then miss it - I think it's about relearning that you'd never accept bad coffee if you knew it from the start, you just miss having any coffee at all.

GeordieBadger · 12/02/2016 15:07

I'm a coupley person. I'm happiest when showing and receiving affection. I have a lot of love to share. How is this having no self respect?

LonerDave · 12/02/2016 15:26

If the other person is abusive & you keep showing them affection, how on earth do you have any respect for yourself have my first Biscuit

GeordieBadger · 12/02/2016 15:39

LonerDave I left my abusive DH. Now I have no one to show affection to and I feel empty. Hardly deserving of a Biscuit.

I hate being alone. In fact, anthropologically, we did not evolve to live alone. It's against human instinct.

ClarenceTheLion · 12/02/2016 16:16

Surely it's better to put up with some abuse if you get treated well the rest of the time than it is to spend the rest of your life being lonely and miserable?

I was alone and miserable while in an abusive relationship. The thing about abusive relationships is that you can't relax during 'the rest of the time' because you know he could kick off again at any moment.

I was on my own with my child for seven years after I got free from him, my self-esteem recovered and I was genuinely happy.

So, no, I don't believe you can be happy with someone who is only abusive to you sometimes. That has an effect ALL the time.

kawliga · 12/02/2016 16:29

OP is right, if there are only two people left in the world (because everybody else perished in a natural disaster that destroyed all human life except the two of you) so it's the two of you alone against the elements and nobody is coming to help you. In that situation, yes, absolutely, it is better to be with an abusive human being than to be alone.

Same goes for being shipwrecked or marooned on a desert island. In that situation I would rather be with an abusive person than be alone. The abusive person can help you build a shack or a hut, and can help you hunt and gather and help you fight off crocodiles, so you wouldn't care if he slaps you round the head from time to time or calls you a stupid woman or keeps all the money. Such 'abuse' would be trivial in that situation, because obviously you're the only two human beings available. You are forced to close ranks and not be choosy.

So, Adam and Eve in the garden. Eve would rather be with Adam than be alone, even though Adam was a bit of a twat blaming her for his own weaknesses. There were no other men to choose from. It was Adam or nothing.

Gabilan · 12/02/2016 18:14

I'd care. I'd feed the abusive twat to the crocodiles, build my own shelter and find a squirrel to talk to.

Soooosie · 12/02/2016 18:26

I'd rather take my chance and be alone in the world if I was one of two people left on the planet. Why would I choose for my time on the planet to be negative. I'd just have plenty of cats instead and listen to audio.

Lweji · 12/02/2016 18:33

I'd definitely prefer to live alone in the world than an abuser. More so if it was a small island.
At some point the voices in my head would keep enough company.

We don't need to isolate ourselves without a partner. We can invest in friendships, take lodgers, share homes, even adopt children.
And it's awful to keep giving and getting nothing in return.

Dragongirl10 · 12/02/2016 18:38

Chinese....being alone does not mean miserable, l was alone for a few years in my twenties and it was one of the best times of my life, no one to consider, time to study , go out with friends, travel, go on dates or not as the fancy takes. Even if you have kids and the restrictions they bring you can be very happy.

You sound like you could really do with learning to be happy on your own before embarking on a new relationship.

Good luck

whois · 12/02/2016 18:42

I have a lot of love to share. How is this having no self respect?

That is very goady.

Showering someone who is absolve, with your love, 100% means you don't have any/enough self respect. Because an abusive person doesn't deserve you love, and doesn't recoricate it. They treat you like a little bit of shit on their shoe, and you respond with kindness and love. So wrong.

PacificDogwod · 12/02/2016 19:12

I think the 'shit in cup of tea' analogy is right: how much shit would you accept in a cup of tea? Only possible answer: none.
How much abuse is acceptable in a relationship? Only possible answer: none.

PacificDogwod · 12/02/2016 19:16

I have a lot of love to share. How is this having no self respect?

The operative word here is 'share' - you have lots of love to share with somebody who also treats you in a loving manner. Lovely, what we all want and aim for. But it only works as a reciprocal arrangement.
It is only possible to love somebody else if you love yourself - not as in an arrogant 'aren't I marvellous' kinda way, but accepting yourself as you are, nurturing the good bits, working on the bad bits and generally liking yourself. And your life. Finding somebody to share this with (and they with you) is brilliant, but not the only way to happiness IMO and IME.

landrover · 12/02/2016 19:17

No!

Soooosie · 12/02/2016 19:39

No shit in a t cup for me!

whois · 12/02/2016 19:56

Shit in a cup of coffee is a great analogy. No shit for me thanks!

daisychain01 · 13/02/2016 08:20

I'd care. I'd feed the abusive twat to the crocodiles, build my own shelter and find a squirrel to talk to

This would be me. Having known the alternative (to an abusive relationship) I'm not prepared to put up with someone giving me shit.

As for the strawman debate about the desert island, having no choice but to partner up with an abusive peron, doesn't that completely miss the point?! Reality is that there are (how many billion??) people on this planet, why stay when there is such a choice, millions of whom could be the right person who'd never never dream of being abusive

TubbyTabby · 13/02/2016 08:31

Attitudes like the OP's is why so many men get away with kicking the shit out of their partners, murdering them, raping them, destroying their mental health, keeping them barefoot and pregnant etc.
Clearly for you OP, any man will do and any pair of trousers at all is better than no pair of trousers.
For crying out loud. Pathetic.

Gabilan · 13/02/2016 09:03

Tubby men get away with it because we live in a patriarchal society that consistently undervalues women. The OP's been more or less brainwashed into thinking that men are so vital she can't live without one. Personally I wouldn't lay the blame for male behaviour at the feet of women. We need much greater social changes that we all, male and female, help to bring about, if we're going to shift to a more equal society.

CalleighDoodle · 13/02/2016 09:12

Totally agree with gabilan. I know teo women who put up with finincially controlling and and physically abusing men. I dont know why. One has serious mental health issues and is in and out of hospital. She has never worked. I do wonder how much of it is the ability to be a sahm.

TubbyTabby · 13/02/2016 10:18

I also agree with both of you on the points you made.

emilybrontescorset · 13/02/2016 17:09

I don't want any shot either.

I have decided that unless a man is virtually perfect for me then I am happier without one.

I can meet my needs in other ways.

emilybrontescorset · 13/02/2016 17:11

Shit not shot x

GeordieBadger · 14/02/2016 11:37

My point was:

Miserable with an abuser.
Miserable (just sightly less so) alone (having so much love to share and no one to share it with).

Either way, it's pretty shit.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2016 14:36

Hmm, let me think.

"I'm 'alone' and miserable'. I think I'll go to the mall/try online dating/get a new hairstyle/take a holiday/do my hobby/go visit my friends and family. That will cheer me up and get me out meeting people".

"I'm in an abusive relationship and miserable. I think I'll just sit here and listen to his abuse/allow him to hit me/tiptoe around him because I'm afraid of being alone/he won't allow me out of the house/he's alienated all my friends and family and I have no on to turn to. I will never be happy again".

Gee, which one do you think is the better choice?