to think that an abusive relationship is better than no relationship?

[ChineseDragonLady]

If part of the relationship is abusive as long as most of the relationship is good? Surely it's better to put up with some abuse if you get treated well the rest of the time than it is to spend the rest of your life being lonely and miserable?

Are you joking? If you really feel that way I think you need to work on your self esteem. I don't mean that to sound harsh (sorry if it does) but it is what I think.

no it fucking isn't

honestly first the thread about the bad dad now this

Yabvvu ESPECIALLY if you have children to keep them in an abusive home, this is extremely damaging to children and can follow well into adulthood.

I suppose if your self esteem is low enough to accept abuse for the sake of simply having someone there you won't be able to cope with being alone even if you're free from abuse.

The alternatives to an abusive relationship aren't just 'lonely miserable' existences, so don't be a twat, eh?

There are relationships with nice people, and happy singledom, for a start.

What ??????

I'd rather not even be in a non abusive relationship than be in a relationship sometimes. The thought of being on my own is really appealing, freedom, pleasing myself, no bloody snoring except my own.

An abusive relationship is never acceptable. Leaving is hard. Are you finding excuses not to leave because it seems too daunting?

Unless you are working with a very strange definition of the word 'abuse', the answer to your question has to be, NO.

NO!
I've been in 2 abusive relationships.
The first involved emotional, financial and physical abuse. It was a good relationship about 50% of the time. The second just EA and it was great about 85% of the time.
I left them both. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than put up with someone putting me down, no matter how infrequent it is. It doesn't matter how good it is in between the abuse, it's still abuse.
There's never a reason to stay. I left because I couldn't take it anymore and the thought of my son growing up thinking it was normal to abuse someone you 'love' was scarier than the prospect of being alone forever.

I was far more miserable in those relationships than I am now that I'm single.

My thoughts are that you need to work on finding happiness being by yourself before you are ready to embark on a new relationship. I think the freedom programme mentioned by a pp is a great place to start.

I spent years in an abusive relationship. Now I'm happily single. There's just no comparison.

If you genuinely believe any relationship is better than none I feel very sad for you.

yummy please look at the Freedom Programme online. You need a boost.

Yabu, one of the caveats of an abuser is "nobody else will ever want you". It is absolutely better to be alone than abused. Alone I was happy and safe, abused I was lonely and scared.

lottapianos thankyou for your kind words

hellsbells also thankyou. I do have a job, hobbies and friends but I don't have any people ie family or a partner who is just there for you and loves you unconditionally. so feel isolated anyway. don't want to thread hijack too much but kind words really mean so much

ilovesooty yes I think you are right

op the only and main thing I used to get myself out was not for the sake of myself but so that my dcs even if from a broken home would at least still have a mother and also wouldn't think that how he was was how women should be treated. even though its shit right now I can see that its best for the kids to be out of it

Well done yummy you've done a fantastic thing for your kids.
You will come through this a better and happier person.
It just won't be for a while yet, but you will get there!

Broken home?
My home was broken when it had a prick living in it.
Now my child has not just one fixed home, but two.
Broken home indeed
You need to stop thinking of it like that.

Far better to be single than put up with any shit at all.

I personally would feel more lonely in an abusive relationship than no relationship.

cabrinha its not me that thinks that its all I heard from my parents that oh no your kids will be in a broken home blah blah and also all the media stuff about kids doing less well in school etc which I know is rubbish but people love to say it

Yabu

That's like saying "well he only beats the shit out of me once a month but the rest of the time he's lovely"

So once he brings you flowers after he hits you then that means it's grand sur

No. You should not put up with abuse.

Staying in a relationship because "It isn't all abusive, there are good things" is rather like regularly eating dog shit sandwiches because you like the taste of bread.

I have a male friend locked in an abusive relationship. He would be so much better off without his horrendous female partner. But he is terrified of being alone. He's such a good guy that I'm sure it wouldn't be for long, but he won't make the break, and is just a doormat. I feel so sorry for him

Staying means you will never find anything better leaving means you have the chance to find a partner who will love you.

Abuse is never better than single ever.

To OP and the poster who agrees with her...

Abusive relationships change your whole life. So leaving the abuser isn't all you need to do to feel better again. I've been there and I did have the same feelings as you for a while after leaving. But then I worked on changing the rest of my life into what I wanted it to look like. It may feel right now like you'd be better off putting up with the abuse but once you make other changes, two new options will become clear. Option C) be single and very happy about that fact, and option D) find someone with whom you have mutual respect and love.

However you're feeling right now, please don't fall into the trap that your abuser created: the one where the loneliness drives you back to him, or to a new relationship that just isn't right for you.