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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think that an abusive relationship is better than no relationship?

178 replies

ChineseDragonLady · 11/02/2016 16:26

If part of the relationship is abusive as long as most of the relationship is good? Surely it's better to put up with some abuse if you get treated well the rest of the time than it is to spend the rest of your life being lonely and miserable?

OP posts:
willowsummers · 11/02/2016 20:45

Sometimes, though, Iona, you don't want to do any of those things. You want company. That's a very natural and very human urge!

Now ideally this company would come from friends and family, but they just can't be there all the time and there are times when they can't be at all.

maddening · 11/02/2016 20:57

Stay in an abusive relationship and it is shit forever - now you have a potential to make your life whatever you want - potential and hope versus shit forever - get out there and find the people that will are about you - and it doesn't have to be a relationship though that may come with time as you find the confidence that has been knocked out of you by your abuser

Whatwhatinthewhatnow · 11/02/2016 21:04

When I was single, the only thing I missed was having someone to go on holiday with. I joined a meet up group for other single women and voila! Holiday with no abuse during the down time!

Cinema/theatre/museums - same! I go alone or join a group!

There really is no need to limit yourself to one man who hurts you.

whois · 11/02/2016 21:11

I think a lot of it depends on your character (that's not meant snottily). I'm quite an introverted person who is content to spend long periods of time on their own and enjoys 'solitary' activities like reading, writing, pottering about the house etc.

Single people don't have to just do solitary activities! See friends, other family, go for a drink after work with work coke goes, go to gym classes, join a meet up group and go to the cinema/theatre/whatever with them etc.

The hardest thing about being single, I think, is not having that one person to whom you are number 1. However, in an abusive relationship you don't have that anyway!

willowsummers · 11/02/2016 21:14

But whois - even assuming that your friendship group is made up of likeminded people and not settled marrieds, you still come home to an empty house. Which costs a lot because you can't split the mortgage or rent with anyone, which means cinema and theatre are rare treats!

Whatwhatinthewhatnow · 11/02/2016 21:24

I flat shared. I made great mates from that and it was cheaper. My mums been single for 35 years, she has 2 lodgers. Money doesn't have to be a reason to suffer abuse.

GeordieBadger · 11/02/2016 21:25

Read first two pages.

I was with abusive (emotionally, financially, physically) DH for 10 years. Took all my courage to leave, and I did so in November 2015. Been living on my own since then and whilst it's marginally better than living with DH, I am ever so lonely and cry from loneliness most nights.

Find a man who cherishes me? How do I do that??

flippinada · 11/02/2016 21:37

"Single people don't have to just do solitary activities! See friends, other family, go for a drink after work with work coke goes, go to gym classes, join a meet up group and go to the cinema/theatre/whatever with them etc. "

Yes, I agree whois. I go out and do stuff as well - I just meant it's probably easier being on your own if you're content in your own company.

I do get days when I feel fed up and think it would be easier if I had someone to share things with , but those thoughts are fleeting.

Geordrie it's still very early days, please be kind to yourself. And well done for having the courage to leave Flowers.

hefzi · 11/02/2016 21:38

It's better by far to be lonely out of a relationship than lonely in one: really. And that goes doubly so when the relationship is abusive in any way.

flippinada · 11/02/2016 21:39

Sorry for all the mistakes, cat jumping all over me while I try to type!

Gabilan · 11/02/2016 21:41

I've been single for a while and expect to stay that way. I'm in my 40s and just don't see myself finding anyone. Sometimes I do feel a bit lonely. Would I swap for a slightly abusive relationship? Ahahaha. No. I'm much happier on my own.

The loneliest I've ever been was in a bad relationship. It wasn't abusive, it just wasn't right. Much happier being crazy cat lady.

whois · 11/02/2016 22:13

I just meant it's probably easier being on your own if you're content in your own company

Yes agreed flipp.

Willow yeah agree about coming home to an empty house. But living in london I'd flat share if I didn't have a partner - a one bed on my own would be way too expensive! Plus I like having people around.

DP was abroad for nearly 3 years , so although I had a partner, I didn't have anyone at home or who I could do things with at the weekends. Phoning was also v difficult where he was (we're going back a few years before Skype on phones was a thing).

I was mainly really busy, but when I wasn't the weekends felt long and a bit lonely sometimes.

daisychain01 · 11/02/2016 22:47

I imagine the op isn't in a great place at the moment, hence the brevity.

Benefit of hindsight, that may be the case. But I do think if someone starts a thread with an inflammatory statement, they have a responsibility to come clean and say so, even if just to say "I'm having a hard time". Otherwise people give of their time only to find pages later that the person is taking the mick. People in abusive relationships wouldn't think the wording of the OP was particularly helpful.

Guiltypleasures001 · 11/02/2016 23:12

Have my first

Are you on glue? Biscuit

ElderlyKoreanLady · 11/02/2016 23:29

I'm not sure if I'm classed as long term single yet...It's been almost 2 years. But what I do know is I have absolutely no intention of changing that status. It would take somebody I found utterly spectacular.

I get to do things my way. Including choosing how my DD is raised. And I can concentrate on what I want from life...I was never able to when I was with my ex. It was important to him that I brought in as high a wage as was possible not that I saw any of it despite me hating the jobs he was insisting I apply for. I'm starting a degree this year. The job I'll do on the back of it doesn't pay as much as I used to get but I haven't had to justify that to anybody. I'm doing it for me. I can do what I like in my evenings rather than have to work around what someone else wants. And though I inevitably have to spend a lot of time at home, that time is really enjoyable because my home is exactly as I want it and I'm not forever frustrated by another adult who does things differently or doesn't do them at all. I sleep diagonally across my bed, have full control of the remote and have as little or as much to do with other people as I please.

Believe me, it's very possible to be happy being single with no intention of finding a partner.

Keeptrudging · 11/02/2016 23:49

Geordie, you've been on your own for such a short time, you need to give yourself a chance to heal. Be kind to yourself and start to build your life and self esteem back up. You don't have an empty life by yourself, you have one with space in it now to do the things that make you happy.

TitClash · 12/02/2016 00:00

And as long as women think like this there will be men ready to take advantage of them.

The real problem is you dont like your own company. Deal with that.

FanFuckingTastic · 12/02/2016 00:14

My life has been far easier since I decided I'd rather be single than treated unkindly.

I've been on my own for over two years now and really the only thing I miss is sex and the occasional snuggle. I have a little bit of a social life to stop me feeling locked in, I read and write, I watch films, I have some crafty hobbies, I'm happy to go to the cinema alone, and I have family to keep me from feeling lonely.

My ex never hit me, not really violent, although a bit pushy and threatening. But the emotional abuse was a nightmare, because you never know when it's going to be a nice, calm day or when it's going to be one of those explosive horrible days. I couldn't relax for the more pleasant times, because the bad times were so awful, so I couldn't agree with the idea that a bit of abuse is worth it not to be alone.

I can trust my feelings now, I don't have someone telling me I'm crazy or pathetic, I don't have to worry about what I say or who I talk to or how long I am out the house or whether I don't fancy sex or want to have a lazy day.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2016 10:17

And as long as women think like this there will be men ready to take advantage of them
Absolutely. It's sad indeed!

PacificDogwod · 12/02/2016 10:51

And as long as women think like this there will be men ready to take advantage of them
Absolutely. It's sad indeed!

Yes, it is sad. But more so absolutely infuriating Angry
If abuse were less acceptable and part of the fabric of society, nobody would have to be told that they deserve better.

PacificDogwod · 12/02/2016 10:53

Geordie, there may or may not be a man who cherishes you in your future, but how about cherishing yourself in the meantime? Really valuing yourself? Doing good stuff for yourself?? YY to learning to enjoy your own company. Nurture yourself and those friendships/family relationships that make you feel better about yourself Thanks

LilacSpunkMonkey · 12/02/2016 11:19

If women weren't still being conditioned from birth to feel that we're only 'complete' when we're with a man we would be much better at being able to walk away from shirt relationships.

How many men walk away from their partners and children and don't look back? Or walk away and give the bare minimum to their children? I don't just mean money but emotional support and time. But society still doesn't see that as such a big deal. It's somehow worse to be a single Mum than it is to be the Dad who left. Look at how the press demonises single mothers. There was a poster on another thread just yesterday botching about her SIL who had children by different fathers. She laid it all at the woman's door and blamed her for getting into 'unsuitable' relationships. This is all too common.

Single Dads? Oh wow, they're just amazing, aren't they? Aren't they just doing the best established ever job, like, ever? Or...he'said doing exactly the same as single Mums up and down the country every day.

It's bullshit.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/02/2016 11:36

Are you actually for real or are you taking the piss. Do you know how much courage and strength it takes an abused man or woman to walk away from an abusive relationship. Also not being in a relationship does not necessarily equate to loneliness.
YABVVVVVVVVVU.
I suppose you're smug content and happily married are you. I'm alright Jack.Hmm

LonerDave · 12/02/2016 12:20

Single. Lone Parent.

Never been happier & more fulfilled than I do now.

Have some respect for yourself OP

LilacSpunkMonkey · 12/02/2016 12:33

Lighthouse

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