to think that an abusive relationship is better than no relationship?

[ChineseDragonLady]

If part of the relationship is abusive as long as most of the relationship is good? Surely it's better to put up with some abuse if you get treated well the rest of the time than it is to spend the rest of your life being lonely and miserable?

After reading just page 1 of this thread I am prompted to ask "where is empathy people?" Obviously Dragonlady is in a very difficult situation and needs some advice, guidance and support. I suggest you contact the Women's Domestic Violence Helpline, you can google the number I don't know it from the top of my head. Also, as difficult as it might be join a self help group/social group/book club..anything of interest to you where you can meet others, socialise and widen your circle and your world so you don't feel "there is nobody who gives a shit about me". At the end of the day only you can make the decision of whether to stay or leave, you know your situation best, and leaving is always the hardest part. Good luck hon. x

I was alone for 6 yrs as a single parent. Come and go as you please, don't need to get back for anyone. Eat what you like when you like. Read a book at 3am. Watch whatever you like on TV. Have friends around whenever you like. Make new friends- plenty of single women around with children, have a child care arrangement.

I was in an abusive relationship, never physical just emotional abuse. I didn't know or realise what was happening until I joined mumsnet 6 years ago. Even then it took me a further two years to get out of it. I believed that being in an abusive relationship was better than no relationship.

I'm now engaged to a wonderful man, one that treats me with respect, one that loves me despite my flaws fucking hell he thinks I'm the bees knees. And even now I'm waiting for the first snide remark, or being put down, or being told that I'm useless.

The effects of abuse last a long time. Don't underestimate that.

I guess. but I hate having no one to come back to. and struggle to eat alone so just don't bother.

Agree with FreshHorizons , I find it very sad that people think that single life is so awful...it really isn't. And it's not second best to being in a relationship either.

It isn't 'awful' but it can have challenges when one is in it long term, so to speak.

People who say how wonderful singleness is are a little like tourists saying how wonderful London is. It is, when you're visiting and know it's temporary. If you had to live there for a long, long time, you might reply differently.

Get yourself some counselling. If you had more self-respect then you wouldn't be saying this. No-one else is responsible for your happiness - you are!! You can either choose to be sad or choose to be happy. Do what makes you happy.

Why would you be lonely and miserable on you're own? You could choose instead to be happy and fulfilled on your own.
I'd choose not to be with a nob

Of course you can be happy and fulfilled on your own. Lots of interests and hobbies are free.

Removing an abuser from your life is just the beginning and you need to heal. It's a process and you're at step 1. Please nurture and be kind to yourself and look into the resources pp have suggested

I was hoping this was a joke. I'm utterly depressed that anyone could possibly think that an abusive relationship is a better alternative to a single life. I feel really sad for anyone that feels like this but I would be devastated if anyone I cared for felt like this. Smacks of the lowest self respect.

I do wonder and despair at the negative messages about being single we grow up with:

"he completes me"

"happy ever after"

As if being in a relationship is the default, correct setting, whereby you also cease to be you and instead assimilate into an 'us'.

There would be many more happier people and children around if we would all act and cope like healthy autonomous individuals, whether we are hitched to another, or not...

Willow I'm long term single and don't see it as a temporary thing....and I am genuinely happy. Why is it so hard to believe??

There are no good bits in an abusive relationship as the good bits are all fake and are just building towards the next explosion of abuse. When I escaped my abusive relationship of 15 years I was SO happy to be single and free, it felt amazing! I built a new life in a new area with new friends and hobbies (and kept up with the old friends too) and had a wonderful time. Its just a way of looking at things. I dont think I felt lonely at all or maybe only the odd winter evening. I have now met a new man who is 100% kind and gentle, however I would be equally happy alone if I hadnt met him. I certainly wasnt happy in the abusive relationship he was always making me walk on egg shells and cry, I havent had to do that in years now. As others have said the only acceptable level of abuse is NONE

The good times are part of the abuse. They are super good so that you think "aw, he's not so bad. Yes he's just beaten me black and blue but he's bought me xxx so he must be sorry."

No. He's not sorry.

I was single for many years. It's lonely at times but you build a family unit with friends and loved ones who care about and support you. Not part time support from someone who stamps on you the rest of the time. Who wants to live in a cage?

I don't find it hard to believe at all cosy :) and I am (very genuinely) pleased for you, but I can see and acknowledge what OP is getting at. I am single, long term, and I'm successful in my career, travel, have friends, hobbies - but honestly? I DO get a bit lonely.

Willow I'm also long term single, haven't had so much as a date in about 5 years. I've (genuinely) never been happier.

OK - great :) but does it take a great deal of imagination to think that for others, being single can compromise what you want out of life, can be expensive, limiting, lonely and isolating?

Clearly being unhappy in an abusive relationship isn't better than anything; not better than being single, not better than being in a good relationship. But I think the comparisons can be skewed, in that you're not comparing like with like. My relationship with exH wasn't abusive all the time; at the start, and for nearly 20 years, it was fantastic, he was my complete soulmate, funny and caring and supporting and sexy and I thought we'd love each other forever. But then he changed; a combination of PTSD which he refused to address, and alcoholism to try to cope with the PTSD (which helped a lot, not).

I've been single now, on and off, for about five years. I don't want another relationship, I like my independence too much, and I'm not lonely. But sometimes, and it's only sometimes, I miss him. I miss the smell of his skin, and the way we would finish each other's sentences. I miss the times when he'd hoist the DC up onto his shoulders and we'd walk by the sea hand in hand. Then I give my head a bit of a wobble, because I'm not missing the person I left, I'm missing the boy I fell in love with at school, and the man I married and who I was going to grow old with. I'm not missing the scary one, the one hollowed out by the drink until there was nothing left but a bitter, angry shell, the one who bullied the children and hit me. I'm missing the life I would have had if everything had turned out right, not the life I really had.

Yes, it's lovely being in a good relationship, and yes, it's sometimes tough being single, but being single and lonely is massively, massively better for me than being in a relationship that - truth to tell - wasn't even abusive all the time. So very much better than constantly worrying about whether tonight was the night he'd turn round and yell at the DCs, or wave a knife at me, or even just pass out drunk. Only you can decide, OP, whether it's better for you to stay or to leave, but the overwhelming impression I get from those who've made the choice to leave, is that it's been the best thing for them.

another long term single here. as soon as I gave myself permission to be happy single and not to be constantly on the look out for a relationship my happiness levels shot up.

That was a very touching and very honest post, Ministry

To reiterate - I would never advocate someone staying in an abusive relationship, but I think the grey area between 'bastard who makes your waking moments hell' and 'the freedom and happiness of being single' isn't always very accurately portrayed.

Why would "no relationship" equal being lonely and miserable? The richness and depth of life has to come from inside you.

On a practical level: learn a language, read fiction and non-fiction, write a book, learn a musical instrument, compose music, write songs, learn to build a website, sew, quilt, buy a Dremel, volunteer for a charity, train for a marathon...

My husband can be a prize nob as documented on here many times but not abusive, never abusive

Cross posts there.

I think a lot of it depends on your character (that's not meant snottily). I'm quite an introverted person who is content to spend long periods of time on their own and enjoys 'solitary' activities like reading, writing, pottering about the house etc.

That said however I do have a DS and work full time. That keeps me very busy and I rarely have time just to myself so see it as a rare treat when I do, iyswim.

I can see how it would be different if you had a different nature and were less busy.

Apologies if any of that sounds patronising, I promise it's not intended that way.