Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think that an abusive relationship is better than no relationship?

178 replies

ChineseDragonLady · 11/02/2016 16:26

If part of the relationship is abusive as long as most of the relationship is good? Surely it's better to put up with some abuse if you get treated well the rest of the time than it is to spend the rest of your life being lonely and miserable?

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 11/02/2016 17:50

The fuck?

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/02/2016 17:56

Please rtft before accusing op of being a GF. I think she needs our support and understanding.

FarrowandBallAche · 11/02/2016 17:59

Actually I think the first few posts are goady.
As do quite a few other posters.
If you don't want to be accused of being goady explain things in the FIRST post.

ghostyslovesheep · 11/02/2016 18:00

I think you really need to work on your self esteem Flowers

Relate do offer counselling for single people around relationships and self - that might be worth trying

I have been single for 6 years - I am happy - I no longer feel like I HAVE to be with someone to be happy - I make myself happy - I am enough

If you would rather be abused than be single that's awful :(

CwtchMeQuick · 11/02/2016 18:00

Only when in the deep depths of an abusive relationship would you consider that some abuse is better than no relationship.

Abusive relationships are a head fuck. They make you isolated, they make you believe this is all you're worth, they make you believe you're lucky to have a relationship. They make you feel no one else will ever want you.

3 years and 1 month ago this was me. 'He only hits me when I make him angry' 'He says he won't hurt me again' 'He says DS deserves a two parent family' 'He says he'll kill me if I leave'
3 years and 2 weeks ago I realised he'd kill me if I stayed. So we ran, late at night in the middle of winter with only the clothes on our backs. 8 month old DS didn't even have a coat. Hand on heart, it is the best thing I've ever done. It was scary and hard and lonely and it was the unknown. 3 years down the line, I'm single but I am alive and I am happy. You don't realise how controlled you are until you're not controlled anymore. Never have I been so alone than when I was in an abusive relationship. A person who abuses you does not truly care about you and they do not love you unconditionally. If they did they wouldn't abuse you.

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/02/2016 18:01

I imagine the op isn't in a great place at the moment, hence the brevity.

seasidesally · 11/02/2016 18:03

I grew up in a home that needed to 'break'. Instead, my parents stayed together and are 2 of the most miserable people I know. As for me and my siblings, we have all had alcohol and mental health issues, and my sister and I have had abusive relationships of our own. So thanks a lot parents hmm

this x 1000

this was and is the same for me,watching/hearing physical abuse but staying together and when my marraige broke said we should stay together and be miserable like them,also had a very abussive relationship for 6 yrs and have bipolar

there must be a large proportion of us that were bought up like that,very sad

FlatOnTheHill · 11/02/2016 18:04

Omg NO NO NO
I left an abusive drunk husband. I have been on my own for 4 years.
I feel free, independent, happy, safe and secure. Do I feel lonely? No I dont.
Even though all my friends are married or have partners. I chose to leave and put my well being first. You are only on this earth a short amount of time. Dont let some arsehole make that a misery even if it is only 50% of the time.

ricketytickety · 11/02/2016 18:15

Are you not long out of this relationship? Took me a fair few months to feel free but once you do it's bloody lush. Like someone switching the light on in your life. Must be hard if your family believe him. They're abusing you by proxy if you ask me.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 11/02/2016 18:20

OP, I know how hard it can be, sometimes, to be single, especially when you don't feel strong, or good about yourself. I think ElderlyKoreanLady's post was great advice.

And the thing is, in an abusive relationship you aren't in control, and you never know if it is going to continue to be only 10% abusive, or whatever it may be. I think that actually it is safer to assume things would get worse over time.

Your future on your own may seem daunting, but I think your future staying with an abusive partner would end up being more frightening.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 11/02/2016 18:22

No. Abusers only get worse. Over time it escalates.

I finally found freedom last Nov after 8yrs of it getting gradually worse and worse and the abuse covering more and more types/ways. I was scared I might be lonely or that I wouldn't cope but actually I love it - I'm free. My confidence has been growing. I don't feel lonely because I reconnected with old friends and moved round the corner from my mother so see her every day. Tbh I enjoy the peace, no walking on egg shells, no worrying what will set him off next. No selfish bastard to deliberately make work for me/make life harder. There isn't anything a man could do for me that would ever make me put up with even 1 teeny tiny bit of abuse in a relationship again.

mommy2ash · 11/02/2016 18:22

If that is what you really believe then I think you could do with some time to yourself to learn your self worth.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 11/02/2016 18:28

Oh and call women's aid whether you're still in the relationship or have already escaped - they can help

donajimena · 11/02/2016 18:39

I was in an abusive relationship for years and like you I thought it would be better than not having a relationship. I was a single parent for a good few years after ending it and I did sometimes look back with fondness at the good bits Hmm
I am with someone now we don't have any 'good bits' because its all good. Even with the rare row its bloody good.
Being single was and is absolutely fine.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/02/2016 18:44

"Now there is nobody who gives a shit about me whereas before at least there was somebody some of the time."
There may have been somebody there, but that somebody didn't give a shit about you Sad. If they had, how could they have abused you?

Any illusion of them caring was just that - an illusion. What they did to hook you. They wanted someone to abuse, you didn't run for the hills, they started abusing you and you misinterpreted this as a relationship. They found a way to hook you, but if they hadn't they'd have moved on to the next person withut a backward glance and tried to hook them into being abused. Sorry to be so blunt, but essentially there was nothing personal there for them - they want to abuse, you allow it, you'll do. Horrible Sad.

For your own sake, you need to look at how they hooked you. What made you vulnerable to this predator (because that's what they are)? When you can address your vulnerability to this kind of fucked-up behaviour, you'll be ready for a good relationship, and you'll look back at this relationship and shudder.

Lweji · 11/02/2016 18:46

Everything that WhereYouLeftIt said

Mooey89 · 11/02/2016 18:49

I left my abusive ex 2 years ago.
Sometimes, I actually still miss him.
By that I mean, I miss the idea of the perfect family unit. The semi detached house in the naice area with the good schools. The double income.

The reality is that I was so depressed I couldn't sleep, put on 6 stone, and wanted to kill myself. Suffered crippling post natal depression and had a baby who jumped at loud noises.

Now, I am happy, secure, stable. Just me and DS, and I would not have it any other way. I'd rather be alone forever than back with him.

You can do it, OP. It's not easy because he's made you forget yourself. But you can find her again. You can. You and your kids deserve better.
X

MillionToOneChances · 11/02/2016 18:55

Like Mooey, I missed the idea of how the relationship should have been, not the more-miserable-than-not way it had actually been. Once I was out from under it I realised I'd much rather be single than to settle for another relationship that didn't genuinely add to my life.

willowsummers · 11/02/2016 19:00

I must admit, I thought this was a hairy handed being at first but MN have confirmed it isn't, so - here goes.

I can understand where OP is coming from. I am angry at myself really, for typing that. But life alone can be difficult.

  • unless you are a very high earner or have extensive family support, having children will be difficult.
  • even if you do have children, you're a single parent which can be hard.
  • money! An £800 p/m mortgage is reasonable on two salaries; on one, it's crippling.
  • trips, weekends away, holidays - don't happen

It can be tough.

I don't agree with OP, but I wanted to acknowledge 'what she is saying' so to speak.

ILoveMyMonkey · 11/02/2016 19:06

however I was in one and am now single and I absolutely detest it and hate my life. even though it was a bad relationship at least someone was there and I had practical help at least.

This. It a nutshell, yes, it's how I feel. Now there is nobody who gives a shit about me whereas before at least there was somebody some of the time.

These 2 comments are so sad. Anyone who abuses you doesnt give a shit about you ... at all! It's a game to them they suck you in with the nice moments and break you back down with the bad, it's all manipulation. You are worth so much more than an abusive relationship and need to do whatever you can to rebuild your self worth. No one should trade off for a scary, unsafe, abusive existence that's no life at all.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/02/2016 19:09

I am sorry my reply was harsh, I should have Rtft, I am sorry to have nothing useful to add, others hav been very helpful. Do consider counselling, and the Freedom Programme, as you do sound very low, and self esteem shot to pieces by the abuse, what you have said is very sad and concerning. Hopefully this will put you on the up, and start looking at this as a brand new path.

PegsPigs · 11/02/2016 19:11

Ginky's 17.04 post - yes. Totally agree.

If you're in still a relationship you haven't given yourself space to find a better one. And how many abusers accuse you of having an affair as part of the abuse so you don't dare look at another man so you don't rile your abuser.

OP I'm sorry you're feeling low and being single can be shit. But at least being single you have a chance of future happiness; in an abusive relationship there is no chance. Flowers

coffeeisnectar · 11/02/2016 19:13

Absolutely agree with pp saying you need to learn to be happy and change your expectations to life.

It took me a long time to get my abuser out of my home and then even longer to get the abuse to stop. I was alone for 7 years but I was happy. I had my kids, my friends and I learned to love my own company.

I'm engaged now to a lovely man who really treats me so well. Not hearts and flowers stuff but things like bringing me a cup of coffee in bed or in the bath, looking after my kids so I can go out and just generally being a kind, decent human being who would never lift his hands to me, someone I can raise a point with, without it turning into a reason to trash my home or punch me. I don't walk on eggshells, I don't ask for permission and I am free to say what I want without repercussions of the worst kind.

But if I was single forever that would be fine. I'm a solitary person by nature anyway and I would rather be alone than scared to breathe.

FreshHorizons · 11/02/2016 19:25

There are lots of advantages to being alone.

yummytummy · 11/02/2016 19:27

such as freshhorizons? I can only see the bad. having to deal with absolutely everything to do with house and kids. financial stress. no childcare stress. no support of any kind. no family. few friends