to think that an abusive relationship is better than no relationship?

[ChineseDragonLady]

If part of the relationship is abusive as long as most of the relationship is good? Surely it's better to put up with some abuse if you get treated well the rest of the time than it is to spend the rest of your life being lonely and miserable?

yummy your parents are wrong. You haven't broken anything for your DC, you've absolutely done the right thing.

cabrinha its not me that thinks that its all I heard from my parents that oh no your kids will be in a broken home blah blah and also all the media stuff about kids doing less well in school etc which I know is rubbish but people love to say it

Yummy I'm sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment and that the people around you are not very supportive. As a former child of a 'broken' home I can tell you that my life improved a million times over when I did not spend my nights lying awake in bed listening to my dad shout at my mum. Also I know this is just anecdotal but I got all As at A Level and a 2.1 from a Russel Group uni. Having a single mother does not mean your children will fail in life. I'm now in a happy relationship with a very kind man and we have a lovely dd. It isn't gloom and doom, don't let people make you think that. Leaving an absuive relationship is the best thing you can do for your children and yourself. It must be really hard with everyone telling you you've done the wrong thing but you haven't. Please do take a look at the freedom programme, it's worth it.

I grew up in a home that needed to 'break'. Instead, my parents stayed together and are 2 of the most miserable people I know. As for me and my siblings, we have all had alcohol and mental health issues, and my sister and I have had abusive relationships of our own. So thanks a lot parents

Some people cannot see beyond appearances. If something looks OK, then it must be OK. They're not capable of understanding feelings and differences. Don't swallow the 'broken home' nonsense - you do not need a man in your home to make it whole. Some homes need to 'break'

Somebody has really done a number on you if you can only see your worth in relation to your relationship status. What a fucking sorry state of affairs.

Hellsbells

Your post made me laugh, but your analogy is so true.

ElderlyKoreanLady Well said

I sympathise because abusers generally denigrate and isolate their partner, when the partner finally gets away they are often isolated and feel unloveable and useless.

I was lucky myself to get away before the rot set in and have been perfectly happy in my own company, and with the company of friends and family for over thirty years. But unfortunately most people take a lot longer to get out and are much more damaged by the time they do.

Many people go on to find lovely partners in the future, but if like me you don't, I promise you life is still much better.

op

When I left my ex (and it was the right thing to do) this poem resonated with me for a while:

Coat

Sometimes I have wanted
to throw you off
like a heavy coat.

Sometimes I have said
you would not let me
breathe or move.

But now that I am free
to choose light clothes
or none at all

I feel the cold
and all the time I think
how warm it used to be.

Vicki Feaver

Only you can decide if the benefits/downsides of being in a relationship outweigh the benefits/downsides of being single.

Yabvvvvvvu nd absolutely naive and stupid. Talk to anybody who has been in an abusive relation and you will not be saying such stupid things. I would rather be single, then have my self esteem and self worth stripped, loose all control of your life and be at the mercy of your abuser, not to mention the physical violence, which can be seen and heard by children. Don't be s stupid op!

This thread has been made just after one about a young woman who feels stuck in a violent relationship. Thread about threads are not permitted, or have I misunderstood?

for you OP.
ElderlyKoreanLady has said it all.

Please take care of yourself and dc if you have any.

Maybe this thread would be better moved to relationships, if you are having a wobble, you could maybe do with the support.

Op just read your last post. Yes look after yourself, contac womans aid, Go to your GP and consider counselling

Afternoon all,

We can see that a few of you are concerned that the OP is being inflammatory here, but she's a long-term MNer and we've absolutely no reason to think this thread isn't a genuine ask.

As ever, if you're suspicious, please report to us rather than calling troll on a thread.

Many thanks.

thank you seethere
LaContessa that poem resonates with me too
Aeroflotgirl that's so unhelpful. Thank you so much.

Aeroflotgirl sorry we x-posted there. thanks.

Just wanted to say that no relationship does not mean "lonely and miserable" . Many of us singletons by choice have happy, fulfilled and enjoyable lives. You could too!

Did no one else read the OP's third post?

I haven't read any of your previous threads OP but you sound like you're in a low place. People have suggested the Freedom Programme for another poster here, is that something you can do too? I think you're probably feeling like this because abusers take away your confidence, and now you're on your own and everything is different. But I think you just need time to build a new life.

Part of leaving an abusive relationship is building a new life. In most abusive relationships isolating by the abuser is a large part. They cut you off from friends, family, and social contact so you don't realize that you are being abused. They become your only (or main) social outlet. They also teach you to distrust outsiders so you become suspicious of potential friends or others who may reach out to you. They may also go so far as to move you away from your hometown or social circle to further isolate you.

So when someone leaves that relationship they are alone, simply because they haven't been allowed to develop or continue the friendships and family relationships that are part of a normal marriage. Chinese you may want to think about counseling to throw off the effects of your abuser and to be able to reach out and form new friendships. And do try to reconnect with 'lost' friends and family members.

I lived in an abusive marriage for many many years. Not non -stop abuse,there were enough good and OK moments to make me feel I could manage and I was fearful of being alone. Eventually he ran off with another woman, and at first I was terrified of being on my own. because he'd spent our whole marriage making me believe I was incompetent, incapable, weak and of no worth.

It took time to get over the trauma and suddenness of the end of my marriage, but now I have never felt so free. I know I am strong and capable, intelligent and a worthwhile and lovable person in my own right. I don't have a new partner - I doubt I shall ever have one - I am neither lonely nor miserable.

I can do whatever I want -for the majority of my adult life everything was controlled by him. Obviously no one can make choices for you, but don;t settle for second best, you are worth more than that, and being on your own is a lot less frightening in reality than it is in theory.It can be very liberating.

Op have you only very recently finished the relationship? This is all part of the conditioning you've experienced and it's no wonder you feel this way. Did you live for the 'good times'? Did he make you feel special during those good times? Did he reward you when you were good by being nice to you, giving you good timed, but sulk or shout when you forgot your place? He has systematically destroyed any self esteem you once had, ensured you were/ are totally emotionally reliant on him and now you naturally feel bereft. Please seek help IRL - your perceptions are currently very warped and my fear is that you will succumb to either returning to him or faltering into another bad relationship with someone else. You need to find your self respect again and realise that what you're feeling has been manufactured by his good cop/ bad cop abuse of you. It is most certainly not right, but I totally get how raw you must feel. The 'good times' are a dangerous fabrication of your memory to minimise/ explain his treatment of you and help you heal (nobody wants to believe the person they love most can be that cruel), but unfortunately you are still very vulnerable. Because of him.

Nope. Never.

You should be able to be happy with that person through the bad parts.
Not make up for them with the good ones.

In fact I'd say it's better to be alone and content than being miserable in a relationship.

The bad parts tend to cancel out the good ones and cast a shadow over them.
The bad parts require you to process them in your brain in a way that is not healthy to continue to pretend you're happy.

Yes. I'd have a mean, moody fucker of a guy back in my past tomorrow if it meant I wasnt alone anymore.

bring it on.

Only when abuse has done such a head job on you to let you believe that 'some abuse is better than no relationship' would you ever believe such a thing.

OP, seriously go out and seek help for yourself.
There is a huge difference between being alone by choice (and happy with it) and lonely within a relationship; there is no lonelier place.

That "Coat" poem describes the feelings of 'security' that any prison can give quite accurately - freedom can be very scary, particularly when you are not used to it, but makes for a much better life in the longterm.

Research The Freedom Program, speak to your GP/Woman's Aid, do some online reading and read the post stickied at the top of 'Relationships'.

Right, listen up everybody - by the epic Reality

Apologies OP, I didn't recognise the name. You survived by yourself before you got into a bad relationship. You need some help so you can survive by yourself again.

Is this a GF thread? Hmm.