AIBU to charge my daughter's friend to stay?

[Bifflepants]

Never posted in AIBU before, but I am genuinely interested to know if I am being unreasonable. Mixed views amongst my real life friends.

My older daughter is at university studying to become a vet. I miss her very much and love having her home in the holidays. As part of her course, she has to do a number of placements - 3 weeks dairy, 3 weeks sheep, 3 weeks horse and various others, just to gain experience on farms with these animals. We live in a rural area and finding placements around home is not difficult. Last holidays she had a dairy placement, arranged by me. Her new best friend at uni asked if she could also do it with her, and so came to stay for over 2 weeks. I was told by my daughter she would cook for herself etc, but she arrived from a holiday abroad absolutely broke, bought very little food and discovered a love of my cooking (I'm a good cook it must be said). So she ate very well, and contributed nothing except one meal, which took her 5 hours to cook. We ate at 10pm that night. She was a lovely girl, very like my daughter in that she was socially a little unusual and quite clever. She was also quite messy and did little to help around the house unless asked. It was like having another daughter.

Anyway, she left just before Christmas, leaving her bed unmade and a pile of books and rubbish in her room. I breathed a sigh of relief. Now my daughter has announced that the friend wants to a lot more placements here as there are no farms around where she lives. So another 7 weeks this year staying at ours altogether. I said fine, but she would have to pay some board. Either $20 (10gbp) per week for just bills, $90 (45GBP) for dinners only or $130 (65) for all meals and board. As a family we spend a lot of money on food and eat well, so this was a fair estimate of what it would take to feed her in my view. She had a very good appetite.

Additional info: We are very comfortably off but not rich and generally run out of money just before pay day. We don't have savings. I am not the best at managing money but we are never in debt. The friend's parents are both very senior doctors and very well off. Neither my daughter or the friend can get part time jobs as the course is too demanding so both rely on student loans and parental handouts. My daughter has never really had a best friend before and I very much want to support the friendship. The friend has agreed to the dinners only deal.

My real life friends were a bit shocked that I had asked for money, and also thought it was a lot. What do you think?

YANBU OP.

Putting a friend up for two weeks is one thing but seven weeks is a lot. As a parent if my child was staying with another family that long I would expect to contribute and would encourage my child to do the same,

but I would let her know that I was not impressed by her lack of consideration last time and she will be expected to tidy up after herself, change and wash her bedding regularly and generally not expect me to skivvy after her.

Oh for fuck sake.

The dd has never had a best friend before and the op wants her to keep the friendship.

Sending an email like that will surely end it. The girl will be hurt and embarrased and even though the OP has a point, she probably won't want to go back and will distance herself from the dd.

The op already said she was relieved when she left....she was unwanted.

The op should say she cant have her for that long, it us not convenient. Have her for maybe one more placement but the rest she will have to find herself.

Oh and the ops dd can rock up and stay in the city free of charge sometime in holidays too.

People tend to value what they pay for. If the student realizes that her presence does have a material effect on the family's budget and the organization of the home etc. perhaps she will be more helpful in keeping things tidy and generally more considerate of her hosts.

And part of being a professional-in-training is managing the logistics of doing one's job including "business travel," which, in effect, this is. She is traveling to a certain place to do training rotations and it would be absurd to expect a free ride for two months at a time from near-strangers.

Another one who thinks she'll end up eating your food for breakfast and lunch anyway.

Wow-that's a bit heavy handed lalalonglegs. I think it would be better to email saying something like you're looking forward to getting to know her better, and since she's staying for a little while this time the rules of the house are everyone tidies up after themselves, etc etc. Much better to keep the tone light and friendly than confrontational (unless you're deliberately trying to make her feel unwelcome).

10 years ago we paid 240 a month for our ds to stay with friends for 2 years while at uni.
Her family need to pay up - it would cost them a heck of a lot more anywhere else, even if there was anywhere!

Your OP was very clear about what you meant. I think it's entirely fair. If she was doing a placement elsewhere or in your area but didn't know anyone she would have to pay her own way and it probably me more than you are suggesting. I think you sound very fair and like pps have said - i'd like to come on holiday to your gaff too. When's the room free?

In my defence, I wouldn't be that bald about letting her know that she had annoyed me last time but the friend is obviously someone to whom you do have spell out the house rules. It is much better to let people know in advance what your expectations are - and you can be friendly and polite about it - than hope they will just follow your lead

It is much better to let people know in advance what your expectations are - and you can be friendly and polite about it - than hope they will just follow your lead.

I think we're agreed then... See my post on page 1!

I'd love to send a stroppy email every now and again but my bitter personal experience usually advises me against it.

"But why should daughter's friend have to pay a huge weekly food bill because the family she stays with has expensive tastes?"

Are you joking? She doesn't have to! She can stay elsewhere, probably pay more, and have to sort out her own food. No one is twisting her arm.

OP, rest easy. You are totally right! Your friends don't get it. If it were them they'd be doing the same thing.

Imagine if one of your DC got an email along the lines of what lalalonglegs suggests?

You may tell them to apologise for their rude behaviour but also tell them never to stay there again.

I dont think she should spend all her time with the OP doing her placements. There may be better places and more variety around the country. Her parents can afford to put her up and she will meet new people and make new friends rather than being stuck in another home environment,

I used to work at a very large vet practiceThe young vets used to have vet students on placement boarding at their home to help out with their rent! It was absolutely expected that they pay

I think it'll work out fine for everyone.
The girl gets to stay somewhere she loved last time and be well looked after. The payment is fair, especially for what she's getting. The DD is doing her a favour and the OP will feel less put upon because her extra costs are being covered.

It also sounds like if the OP has a word and says this is where we put dirty linens, this is how the dishwasher's stacked or something like that and also gets DD to do the same things, then the lodger will be amenable and also develop her social skills living alongside people who aren't family.
She's obviously not had this kind of background if her parents have someone to stay, but don't even provide a made up bed or any food.

Win/win I should think.

The OP isn't running a bed & breakfast or even a hostel. She decides the what the girl should pay and if that isn't acceptable the girl finds her own accommodation. All this quibbling. Tell her to take a hike. (to the nearest B & B.) This girl is not your problem. It's up to her parents to sort this out not you. Who cares if she's making her own breakfast. Why do people get involved in this stuff. It's simply too much hassle.

Hmm I don't think you're being completely unreasonable to charge a little something ..
But all this calculations about food is a bit ridic.
You also sound like you are slagging her off a bit and just because she can't whip up a stunning meal in 15 mins there's no need to deride her. Food is your thing not hers that's not her fault.
There is no way I could accept money to have a friend of DD stay, even for 7 weeks. This just not how I am. But I would be strict on chores and keeping things tidy. But to ask for cash no way I couldn't physically do it. Maybe as I have an Italian background and we share food readily and happily and love for people to feel at home.

Ha ha TealLove, I'm also from an Italian background and love to have people to stay. I like to cook and make them feel welcome but, on more than one occasion, this has led to veeeery long stays (think months, not weeks) without a single penny towards upkeep or a single dish stacked. It grates after a while, it really does.

The girl's parents might be well off but they obviously have never bothered teaching their daughter good manners.
I wouldn't have her if she behaved so badly before- treating your home like a hotel and you a chamber maid/ chef.
Did your daughter notice?

I agree with the (very few) posters saying you shouldn't put her up at all. It's probably too late now you've already agreed, but don't let her stay again because you can't afford her. You should eat how you want and feed your family as you wish (your food sounds scrumplitious) but you can't afford another adult on that, so don't agree.

It's like people who host a party that they can't afford, so they charge the guests or ask the guests to bring all the food, drink and free entertainment. Not on. Don't host guests if you can't afford them. Just enjoy the time with your dd. Your dd will make other friends if this one dumps her. And she is no sort of friend if she would break up with your dd just because your dd's family can't afford to host her for 7 weeks for free.

You are worried that your daughter has never had a best friend before, and that's making you not see that this is not really an ideal situation (charging her best friend money). Charging her is better than eating beans and toast for 7 weeks, but you should have not agreed to have her in the first place since she wasn't offering to pay (as she should have) and she's a slob who doesn't help around the house.

It sounds like her parents are not great hosts (air mattress not even blown up for your daughter!) and so she has probably never learned how to be a gracious guest. Hopefully you will be able to clue her in to standard guest behavior.

I would not charge her, but our budget could accommodate it, and my kids would be embarrassed by it. Also, even though her parents have money, they might be weird skinflints.

just because she can't whip up a stunning meal in 15 mins there's no need to deride her.

Exaggerate much, Teal? It took her five hours to make a dinner.

Yes but why on earth didn't someone just step in and help rather than waiting 5 hours - which I'm not sure I believe actually. The family all seriously watched her struggle for that long?

The girl is not a guest. She asked to do a very long placement there.

Exactly - five hours to cook a meal? Jesus.

Maybe the rest of the family were out or busy (perhaps clearing up after her.) Maybe she chased them all out of the kitchen. Maybe the OP was downright sick of having to supervise, help and chivvy a so-called adult.

Won't it end up being kind of awkward, with her having chosen the dinners-only option? Will the rest of you be eating the same breakfast and lunch and she will be fending for herself, perhaps clumsily so? I would hate that, myself, as a host.

I am not trying to make you feel bad, btw, you may be less of a wimp than I am, and it might not bother you.