AIBU to charge my daughter's friend to stay?

[Bifflepants]

Never posted in AIBU before, but I am genuinely interested to know if I am being unreasonable. Mixed views amongst my real life friends.

My older daughter is at university studying to become a vet. I miss her very much and love having her home in the holidays. As part of her course, she has to do a number of placements - 3 weeks dairy, 3 weeks sheep, 3 weeks horse and various others, just to gain experience on farms with these animals. We live in a rural area and finding placements around home is not difficult. Last holidays she had a dairy placement, arranged by me. Her new best friend at uni asked if she could also do it with her, and so came to stay for over 2 weeks. I was told by my daughter she would cook for herself etc, but she arrived from a holiday abroad absolutely broke, bought very little food and discovered a love of my cooking (I'm a good cook it must be said). So she ate very well, and contributed nothing except one meal, which took her 5 hours to cook. We ate at 10pm that night. She was a lovely girl, very like my daughter in that she was socially a little unusual and quite clever. She was also quite messy and did little to help around the house unless asked. It was like having another daughter.

Anyway, she left just before Christmas, leaving her bed unmade and a pile of books and rubbish in her room. I breathed a sigh of relief. Now my daughter has announced that the friend wants to a lot more placements here as there are no farms around where she lives. So another 7 weeks this year staying at ours altogether. I said fine, but she would have to pay some board. Either $20 (10gbp) per week for just bills, $90 (45GBP) for dinners only or $130 (65) for all meals and board. As a family we spend a lot of money on food and eat well, so this was a fair estimate of what it would take to feed her in my view. She had a very good appetite.

Additional info: We are very comfortably off but not rich and generally run out of money just before pay day. We don't have savings. I am not the best at managing money but we are never in debt. The friend's parents are both very senior doctors and very well off. Neither my daughter or the friend can get part time jobs as the course is too demanding so both rely on student loans and parental handouts. My daughter has never really had a best friend before and I very much want to support the friendship. The friend has agreed to the dinners only deal.

My real life friends were a bit shocked that I had asked for money, and also thought it was a lot. What do you think?

I've not read the full thread but when I was 20 I did a work placement in London for 2 weeks and stayed with family friends. I was paid about £160 a week, and they asked for something like £20-30 a week while I was there.

I don't think you are being unreasonable - students have to learn the value of money. I wouldn't really expect to contribute towards bills, ok maybe a bit more water and electricity gets used, but food definitely. £20-30 half board for me was a bargain!

YANBU - she's asked to be your lodger for nearly 2 months. And not just the once.

I think you should just offer her the full-board deal at first - unless you know you can trust her to keep to her side of the half-board deal (which I'm not sure she will). Wrap it up as "but the shops are so far away" or whatever fits. It's much easier to step down to half-board, should the time come.

I also think you should consider looking at the whole arrangement as a business/rental agreement, adult-to-adult. (Especially as it's for so long and she hopes to stay with you several times.) Think about a rental/lodger agreement, deposits, chores etc. Talk to the friend directly, don't go through your DD. Be clear about your expectations from her and what she can expect in return - before she comes for her first placement.

Her being surprised at it not being free again could be youthful naivety or not...

Good morning. Over night I have decided that I will provide all food for the middle option. You're right, it's simpler. And of course we didn't just watch her struggle for 5 hours making dinner. My daughter was helping, the music was on, they were having fun and I tried to keep out the way (whilst gnawing at my fists in hunger). We all praised the meal and had a good laugh about the time it took.

Good

You can always relax your food rules a bit. Get them to do pasta/homemade pizza etc... themselves. Really quick and cheap but healthy too. Or get them a student cookbook. It'll help them for future.

Rules as in buying posh food.

And of course we didn't just watch her struggle for 5 hours making dinner. My daughter was helping, the music was on, they were having fun and I tried to keep out the way (whilst gnawing at my fists in hunger).

Did it occur to you they simply did fuck all for 5 hours and listened to music and messed around rather than taking that long too cook?

You still should have intervened if you having you eat your own fists

YANBU.

Food here in NZ is ridiculously overpriced. There's a big difference in price between being able to do a £50 shop in Aldi for a family of 4 and a shop in Pak & Save for the same time/people. Almost triple in some cases. And that's before heading to Farro or Nosh for the naice bits you can't get in P&S.

I think the amount you are charging and the fact you have now said you'll include ALL meals for that price is more than fair.

And what a bonus for your DD's friend getting to spend 7 weeks on a lifestyle block with no rent to pay. We're hoping to get out own one day but with house prices it may be difficult. Your DD's friend wouldn't be able to rent anywhere else for as little as you're charging so she is getting a fabulous deal.

YANBU

but I'm desperate for you to tell me about the food. For the vicarious thrill of it - I'm not a great cook, but I try my best. 5 of us, inc 3 kids and I don't exactly stint on ingredients but would love to feel that we eat like kings. Always on the lookout for ideas :)

Also OP, you denigrated her for only cooking one meal that took 5 hours....your DD was involved and BOTH of them were messing around doing nothing.

Why did you originally make fun of the friend for not being able to cook?Neither can your daughter. Jesus.

The one thing l don't get here is where are her parents? There is no way l would expect some family to take my dd for 7 weeks and offer nothing. Did she bring any gifts or send you anything nice later? My dd went abroad on holiday with a friend for a week We paid flights but they were feeding him. They wouldn't accept money towards food as they had invited him to keep their own ds happy. On return we made up a hamper of goodies for them. The parents are strange not to offer money. I would charge.

Biffle, $130 for all meals and board is a very good deal and this girl, or at the very least her parents, will know that! :) At $90 for meals and board she/they are taking the piss, so don't be afraid to treat her like another daughter and expect her to pull her weight around the place.

We are in the Waikato (small lifestyle block out from the Tron) and our biggest expense by far is food, and wine

"You still should have intervened if you having you eat your own fists"

SoThatHappened you seem a little overinvested

OP, I think you have dealt with this perfectly well. I don't think I would have offered different options but it's ok that you did.

I'm amazed anyone think yabu. and I can't work out what SoThatHappeneds gripe is.

I've never had a problem asking long term guests to help with cleaning. They always come back so I don't think any of them have minded.

SoThatHappened Has the OP crossed you on another thread or something? You seem weirdly angry over a fairly harmless AIBU.

Vet here. Yes its usual for students to have to find there own accomodation unless they stay on-farm and get accomodation as part of the package. I suspect that your daughter's friend could easily get on-farm accomodation (vet schools will coordinate this) with a placement but as its usually a Grotty caravan, has decided that your home is much nicer! Don't let her take advantage. Charging is fine

Biffle - off topic, but do you mind letting me know where you get your imported cheese from? I'm an ex-pat living here too and miss my cheese. "Tasty" is not a legitimate variety of cheese!

We're in NZ and food here is expensive. We pay VAT on for a start which adds 15%. As a family of two adults and one small person (who eats very little) we spend at least $250 (~125GBP) a week on food and that include very little convenience food and local cheese.

Cheese is expensive. A single blob of mozzarella is $10-15. A block of standard economy 'tasty' cheese is normally $8-12. A wedge of Parmesan $9-15.

Biffle - I'm intrigued by your foodie description. Can you give us a sample menu so we can decide whether we'd like to book into Casa Del Bifflepants?

I think the family are cheeky not to have offered towards food and bills for such a long stay. I reckon she'll learn fast that SIBU.

I think the family should offer to pay, perhaps even come over and tak eyo all out to dinner to meet the family who are supporting their dd.

In yuor shoes I would set some ground rules about minimum expectations, clean their rooms, tidy up, wash up, help with cooking etc. See what works, either they do it together one night and have a night off or they take turns to wash up etc.

If you are comfortable off it would be the mess I would find more onerous.
I am a total softie when it comes to dd's friends, and am happy to feed them and take them out swimming or cinema etc, sometime sthey pay sometimes not. But tidying up and pulling weight costs nothing and saves you that most special commodity of all - time!

YANBU in the least.

I agree it would be fair to also post ground rules including clean room, bedding washed once a week, bin emptied, bathroom left clean after use (hair removed from drain, etc).

The girl's parents have brass necks, and she got hers from them.

What you are charging is less than it would cost to rent a B&B or hotel, plus it includes food, Internet and laundry favilities. She'd be foolish to go elsewhere. Her choice and no reason at all for you to feel guilty. She is lucky to have this option.

That said, I would have only given the one option, the all inclusive one, take it or leave it.

Lots of farms have mobile homes for casual work/vet students/harvest. We always had them in the mobile home except in the summer when we had a harvest student and they often stayed in the house. What's wrong with that?

I can't stop chuckling over 'Castle del Bifflepants', it's really tickled me.

Cheese - I get it from the local NW and Countdown that stock a fair selection of imported feta, brie, buffalo mozzarella, and the local dutch deli that buys parmesan in in bulk.

I have remembered, and feel really bad that I didn't remember before, that she arrived with a bottle of wine (a nice one I like). And I also want to say she was LOVELY, just thoughtless and clueless. No doubt this will have SoThatHappened frothing at the mouth for some reason or other. I did NOT dislike my daughter's friend, I merely wanted to know if I was AIBU to charge her if the placements become a regular thing (which they are now).

My food is a mix of traditional recipes I learned from my granny and a lot of Mediterranean and Indian influence food. I just tend to use nice ingredients and a shed load of cheese. And cheese is very expensive here. I also drink wine with dinner, and so did she.

I did do all her washing ( I didn't mind) and folded it and returned to her room. We are on a rain water tank, so water is an issue. Broadband is wireless as we are rural and we did go over our limit that month.

Anyway, I am happy. I'm sticking with the $90 option, all food, and I think it will help me to enjoy her staying rather than feel resentful.

I can vouch for the expensiveness of cheese in NZ.

It sounds very reasonable to me for the following reasons

You are clearly a kind hearted and generous soul by nature

If you are to have her there for 7 weeks you will resent her unless you sort this out up front

You recognise the importance of the friendship to your daughter

If she is funded by parents, that is at least what she costs them at home so no one is out of pocket

She sounds like my 20 year old when at home from uni. If I had 2 of them like that I would want a kings ransom!

Thanks Biffle. Your new world and countdown are probably better stocked than ours then! I thought you had an actual personal importer who had somehow circumnavigated customs!