AIBU to charge my daughter's friend to stay?

[Bifflepants]

Never posted in AIBU before, but I am genuinely interested to know if I am being unreasonable. Mixed views amongst my real life friends.

My older daughter is at university studying to become a vet. I miss her very much and love having her home in the holidays. As part of her course, she has to do a number of placements - 3 weeks dairy, 3 weeks sheep, 3 weeks horse and various others, just to gain experience on farms with these animals. We live in a rural area and finding placements around home is not difficult. Last holidays she had a dairy placement, arranged by me. Her new best friend at uni asked if she could also do it with her, and so came to stay for over 2 weeks. I was told by my daughter she would cook for herself etc, but she arrived from a holiday abroad absolutely broke, bought very little food and discovered a love of my cooking (I'm a good cook it must be said). So she ate very well, and contributed nothing except one meal, which took her 5 hours to cook. We ate at 10pm that night. She was a lovely girl, very like my daughter in that she was socially a little unusual and quite clever. She was also quite messy and did little to help around the house unless asked. It was like having another daughter.

Anyway, she left just before Christmas, leaving her bed unmade and a pile of books and rubbish in her room. I breathed a sigh of relief. Now my daughter has announced that the friend wants to a lot more placements here as there are no farms around where she lives. So another 7 weeks this year staying at ours altogether. I said fine, but she would have to pay some board. Either $20 (10gbp) per week for just bills, $90 (45GBP) for dinners only or $130 (65) for all meals and board. As a family we spend a lot of money on food and eat well, so this was a fair estimate of what it would take to feed her in my view. She had a very good appetite.

Additional info: We are very comfortably off but not rich and generally run out of money just before pay day. We don't have savings. I am not the best at managing money but we are never in debt. The friend's parents are both very senior doctors and very well off. Neither my daughter or the friend can get part time jobs as the course is too demanding so both rely on student loans and parental handouts. My daughter has never really had a best friend before and I very much want to support the friendship. The friend has agreed to the dinners only deal.

My real life friends were a bit shocked that I had asked for money, and also thought it was a lot. What do you think?

Oh, I was well shocked when I arrived. I had been used to doing a lot of household chores, but yeah, that 4.15am knock on the door was a sharp poke at first. Enough time to grab a mug of coffee and some bread. One of us would go back to the house a little before 8 and do a bigger breakfast. Then it all had to be cleaned up before factory opened for work. Everyone managed to muck in and get it all done. I had to go to school in Autumn but was still expected to work around school, which I didn't see as a hardship but as being accepted as one of the family. I'd go out on weekend nights.

AND, as the farmer always pointed out, she was very lucky because vegetables don't require as much 24/7 care most of the time the way livestock does. Her cousin had a pig farm and well, there are no days off from that.

I like to leave a room tidy after being a gust, whether a house guest or hotel. Strip bed in house and leave tidy. Hotel I just put all rubbish in bin and place bed clothes on bed and used towels in bath.

I have whilst doing this found objects I would have otherwise left behind, so its a useful habit for me

My farm stays were few and far between. He tended to drive through to see me. Older first boyfriend in his 20s

ivykaty I always tidy hotel rooms. I once left a friend's villa so tidy the maid didn't have anything to do. Am not that tidy at home though which is odd?

If she was doing the placements any where else, she would have to pay bed and board, so you're right to charge.
Can't comment on your sums

YANBU to expect some contribution but£65 per week seems too much to me.

£65 is extremely cheap.

Not even £10 a day.

Would those saying the OP should not charge allow their own children to freeload for 7 weeks?

In your position I'd simply say no. I couldn't bear having such an entitled lazy and let's face it quite rude girl around for that amount of time. But I realise you want to help your DD. In which case charge her board and lay down a few rules. But you'll probably be called the unreasonable even though you absolutely are not. For this reason I'd simply say no no and no again. Leaving her room in a mess in somebody else's house is just beyond rudeness.

YANBU. That's a fair rate, you won't make money on it and you will still have an extra person in the house for a long time who will cause you extra work.

I think it's really, really kind of you to let her stay. If you said no, presumably she would have to find somewhere else which would be far more expensive.

If I were the friend's parents I'd be extremely grateful for your kindness.

Its reasonable to charge and the amounts charged are fair, she is getting a good deal as it would cost her more even if she rented somewhere for a short period, you are doing her a favour. But yes to ground rules - you are not charging her commercial rates so she needs to tidy up after herself - share in Washing up/clean up and bin rotas ie in the same way your daughter does. Its not about making money out of her but her meeting her obligations to you for allowing her to stay.

Can I come to your for a holiday??? It sounds well cheap and lovely.

Of course you should charge its for 7 weeks!! I wouldn't charge my child but I would certainly charge others. Someone else's child is not my financial responsibility.

But why should daughter's friend have to pay a huge weekly food bill because the family she stays with has expensive tastes

Because she knows the family eat to a high standard and if she cant afford her contribution towards the meals she can always find a host family who eat to a standard she can afford.

But why should daughter's friend have to pay a huge weekly food bill because the family she stays with has expensive tastes

Good point. Why should I have to pay more to stay in the Mandarin Oriental than I would at a Premier Inn? It's not my fault their interior designers and chefs have expensive tastes

But why should daughter's friend have to pay a huge weekly food bill because the family she stays with has expensive tastes

She doesn't HAVE to - she can go and stay elsewhere and eat whatever she buys and cooks for herself, like most adults do. Or she can do farm stays somewhere else where the board they charge is more to her liking (it won't be any cheaper anywhere else and the food won't be as good either)

YANBU

Having said that, would I charge? Not a chance.

7 weeks is a long time for an univited guest to want to stay. Yanbu to charge (though I agree it should have been kept simpler without all the different options). If she has an issue with that then she can find her own accommodation (which she'd have to pay for). It doesn't sound like she minds though.

I am English and that sounds very fair to me. You couldn't get three meals a day in McDonalds for £65 a week, let alone a bed, laundry, heating, wifi etc. My own DD has just returned home after living at uni and she pays more than that to us as rent/contribution to living expenses every month. It is not because we need the money (unbeknowst to her, we are saving it to give her a hand with buying her own place when she is ready for that), but because we think it is important for her to contribute like an adult, not live like a child.

You might want to hide any really expensive crackers though.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2564425-To-ask-the-nanny-if-she-would-like-her-own-fridge-cuboard-and-seperate-food?

I'd just charge her the higher amount for all meals included since that's likely to be what she does anyway. Otherwise, she'll pick the lower amount and you'll still end up cooking for her! I would imagine it would be easier to cook a bit extra yourself than be squeezing around each other in the kitchen with her trying to make her own stuff - seven weeks of that would be beyond stressful!

Asking her to clean up after herself is also fine and, if you need to remind her, fine. She's young - she probably means to help but forgets as I would have at that age!

I do think her parents should have offered. I would if it were my DD being put up for seven weeks and I'm not loaded by any stretch of the imagination!

YANBU. I'd frame it by saying that for a one off, you were happy to take the cost but for regular visits you expect her to clean up after herself and contribute $X per week.

YANBU at all.

This is not a social situation. I would not charge an invited social guest but I would indeed charge a lodger, and that is what she is. You are doing her a great favor to accommodate her in this way.

It's absolutely fine to charge, especially since you are only wanting to cover direct costs (bills, food) rather than charge her for rent.

I still dont think she should stay as the op says in post one that she breathed a sigh of relief when she left.
Any tension will affect the friendship.
The other girls family can afford to send her elsewhere and should.

It does sound as though she wasn't a considerate guest, and in your place I would be having a word about chipping in with housework and leaving her room tidy. But I don't think I'd want to charge my DC's friends to stay if it was me, and I could afford not to. 7 weeks isn't massively long if your DD is away at uni.

I would email her and say that she is very welcome to stay for the amounts you have outlined (which seem very reasonable) but I would let her know that I was not impressed by her lack of consideration last time and she will be expected to tidy up after herself, change and wash her bedding regularly and generally not expect me to skivvy after her. You mentioned that she was quite "socially unusual" - could it be that she just isn't that able to understand that guests have to pull their weight when they stay for more than a night or two?