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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh should butt out of ds' s gf choice?

154 replies

DPSN · 09/02/2016 18:58

Have posted before about DH's reactions to DS' s choices re university and gf.
Relations between ds and rest of family are strained and he avoids spending time at home and only brings gf home if dh is not home.
DH doesn't approve of gf, ds senses this. DH thinks he can influence dc's choice of gf. I disagree.
DH wants to tell ds that his gf is not 'the one' in his I know what is best for you way. I think this is a mistake and would drive ds away further. Honestly, I hope she is not 'the one' but surely it is not my choice to make?!
DH thinks I am too tolerant and it is his duty to tell ds that his gf is a loser. She doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs or anything criminal, is just a bit dull if you ask me, has little ambition, no discernible hobbies or sparkle.
AIBU to let ds get on with his relationship as he sees fit? I am currently convinced that the answer is 'no', dh is convinced the answer is 'yes' and sees it as a parental duty to tell ds he has made a lousy choice - knowing that this would make strained relations even worse.
What do others think?

OP posts:
NaNaNaBatman · 09/02/2016 19:00

I think that it would be kinder for the GF so she has no chance of marrying into your family.

HTH

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 09/02/2016 19:00

If she's not actively abhorrent or damaging then yanbu I think you're DH is being very unreasonable and controlling.

ApocalypseNowt · 09/02/2016 19:01

Dad: "Your gf is a loser, not the one, you can do better"

Son: "Thank you for opening my eyes father! While we're at please critique my university choices too!"

Went no conversation ever.

YANBU OP.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 09/02/2016 19:05

He wants to tell his son that his girlfriend is a loser?

What an absolute cunt.

Sighing · 09/02/2016 19:05

Your husband dislikes the gf because he perceives her to be a loser in spite of there being no actual character flaw / failing. Is he one of those guys who needs to constantly brag about his son's amazing life (top uni, braniac model gf) to feel good about himself? Or does he want to push his son for vicarious reasons?

Either way. Your husband could get a hobby.

VimFuego101 · 09/02/2016 19:05

If she isn't rude or actually unpleasant, then he is being unreasonable. If you just let it run its course it will probably fizzle out far sooner than if you alienate them both from the family.

ForgivenNotForgotten · 09/02/2016 19:07

I think, if she's not the one, then the kindest and most reasonable thing is to let your ds figure this out for himself.

Laying down the law at his age is only likely to make him rebel, and to feel like a star-crossed lover. It could well be completely counter-productive, and drive him into her arms even if he is not totally sure about the situation himself.

Your dh does sound a bit controlling. Once people have reached your ds' s age, they need support rather than any laying down of the law. He is old enough to make his own decisions, and a wise parent keeps the lines of communication open. ..

deregistered · 09/02/2016 19:08

Are you the OP who's son has a place at Cambridge but won't go as gf wants to stay in hometown?

AnyFucker · 09/02/2016 19:09

I think your husband is the fucking loser

theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 19:09

I would agree with you except that I think that the fact that the gf is telling your son to give up his place at Cambridge in order to live closer to her means that as parents it is appropriate to say that this is not the action of someone who is kind and loving and has your DS's best interests at heart.

Original poster
DPSN · 09/02/2016 19:10

Yes but he has accepted the offer.

OP posts:
TurboToaster · 09/02/2016 19:10

You describe her as a bit dull - do you think that she is possibly just very uncomfortable in your company as you and your DH clearly dislike her.

I don't think I'd want to spend too much time at my BF's parents house if they thought so little of me.

theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 19:11

Ah -- ok well if he's accept the offer then yes, your DH needs to butt out for sure!

starry0ne · 09/02/2016 19:12

Yes I am guessing he hopes he splits up with GF and chooses the uni of his Dads choice...

deregistered · 09/02/2016 19:13

OK then, so yes your dh needs to STFU! Your son is going to cambridge as your dh wanted. He can choose to stay with his gf, see her at weekends etc etc. It will either work long term or it won't. I had some sympathy for him on your last thread as it seemed your son was being foolish, but I don't now. He's being cruel, snobbish and bullish. It's none of his business!

hesterton · 09/02/2016 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2016 19:16

I don't think you sound much better, op, tbh

Hihohoho1 · 09/02/2016 19:16

Yes op are you the one with the son who has a place at cambridge?

So she has no ambition, sparkle or hobbies? WTAF does that mean?

Is she nice? Generous? Kind? Happy with your ds?

I think you and your dh sound very judgy and unkind.

And you know of course that you will drive your son away.

I expect we may see future posts from your dil.

jay55 · 09/02/2016 19:18

The last thing your son needs in the build up to a levels is family and girlfriend drama.
Tell your husband to knock it on the head until exams are over.

AlmaMartyr · 09/02/2016 19:19

I could understand the concern about the Cambridge offer but if he has accepted the offer now then just leave him alone.

DH's parents were like this (we were together at 16/17) and made it very blatant. They wrote several letters laying out their feelings about, including a long list of all my perceived flaws. Clearly, it didn't work. It only made us closer, drove DH away from his parents and although we all get on a bit better these days, I don't think the relationship will ever truly recover. They're the only ones who have really missed out.

BTW, one of their chief criticisms of me is that I'm dull. It bloody hurt when I was told that (repeatedly) and it's entirely unfair. I'm not myself around them, unlikely to ever really be, and they have no idea what I'm really like. In any case, it's irrelevant as DH doesn't think I'm dull. It's a daft criticism to throw around.

Hihohoho1 · 09/02/2016 19:20

So your ds has accepted the offer as he should have. Seriously you and your dh are still bitching about this girl.

Good grief op.

Your dh sounds actually a nasty bastard and a bully. How do you stand him?

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 09/02/2016 19:21

When I had an unsuitable boyfriend my father never told me to stop going out with him, and in fact never criticised him directly. He just sat down with me one day and talked to me about looking out for myself-things I should not put up with (e.g. DV), things it would be very unwise for me to do (drugs, etc). It was a typically wise approach. Nobody got slagged off, so nobody got defensive. And it came across as very loving.

In your position, I would talk to your DS in similar terms, if at all. Think about what you want to do and where a Cambridge degree will take you. Don't feel guilty about following your ambitions, try to avoid catastrophic or binary thinking (e.g. it's either degree or gf) because things can work out in ways you haven't thought of yet), don't commit firmly at this stage of your life, take it as it comes, etc.

And in the meantime, try and relax and be friendly to gf. For all you know the relationship is going on longer than it otherwise would because your DS feels guilty and sorry for her.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 09/02/2016 19:22

Sorry for her about how she is being treated, I mean. As well he might.

Hihohoho1 · 09/02/2016 19:23

Alma

In life I have always found those who call others dull are generally loud mouthed bullies who think they are super company and in actual fact they are unspeakably annoying.

Give me shy, thoughtful, gentle and loyal dull any day. Smile

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 09/02/2016 19:24

Absolutely don't say anything. He might react really badly and decide to turn down Cambridge to make his commitment to her clear.

See what happens when he goes to uni. Gently encourage him to make the most of opportunities at uni to make new friends, join clubs, try new things, expand his life.

Lots of relationships fizzle out over the uni years. I was madly in love with an utterly dull man at the same age, which is long over.

If he does choose to stay with her, there are many worse qualities in a DIL than being a bit dull!