To think dh should butt out of ds' s gf choice?

[DPSN]

Have posted before about DH's reactions to DS' s choices re university and gf.
Relations between ds and rest of family are strained and he avoids spending time at home and only brings gf home if dh is not home.
DH doesn't approve of gf, ds senses this. DH thinks he can influence dc's choice of gf. I disagree.
DH wants to tell ds that his gf is not 'the one' in his I know what is best for you way. I think this is a mistake and would drive ds away further. Honestly, I hope she is not 'the one' but surely it is not my choice to make?!
DH thinks I am too tolerant and it is his duty to tell ds that his gf is a loser. She doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs or anything criminal, is just a bit dull if you ask me, has little ambition, no discernible hobbies or sparkle.
AIBU to let ds get on with his relationship as he sees fit? I am currently convinced that the answer is 'no', dh is convinced the answer is 'yes' and sees it as a parental duty to tell ds he has made a lousy choice - knowing that this would make strained relations even worse.
What do others think?

hells wasnt your parents fault your first marraige didnt work out they treated you like an adult that you were

Is OPs son not very young (18)?

Why is the issue of GF (not) being "the one" even coming into the matter for your DH?

Most people dating at 18 - especially those on the cusp of uni - surely arent planning to get hitched in the immediate future ... are they?

he has a low level job and is no oil painting

Wow just nasty wow. How shallow.

And who gives a crap about hobbies? Who has time for hobbies? I wish.

What price kindness, loyalty, goodness,love, tolerance, empathy?

Good grief. What a sad thread.

You DH sounds horrible and controlling. If he carries on I suspect you won't be seeing much of your DS in the future.

I'd love to know how your son would describe his Dad, I suspect its rather more forthright than saying he 'lacks sparkle'

OP, I also think your description of your sons GF is mean too. You sound a very judgemental family.

I wonder if your DS and his GF pick up your disapproval too. The qualities I appreciate in my DCs partners are whether they make my DC happy and whether they are decent people. I wouldn't dream of judging them for their intellect or their 'sparkle'.

It's very sad and I hope you don't come to regret this in the future.

Thing is she's not going to show her true personality to her bf's parents. And maybe she's amazing in bed.

DPSN, I thought I recognised you and your family! I'm glad your son has accepted the Cambridge offer, though I hope he hasn't just accepted it to keep you quiet and is intending to stuff up his A levels to avoid having to make the decision himself in the end.
Your husband is not behaving with any emotional intelligence at all. I get that he is proud of your son getting an offer for a place at Cambridge; I get that you both think that your son's current girl-friend isn't worthy of him or suitable for him; what I don't get is either of you thinking that you can control your nearly adult son's life. As I think everyone has said, by interfering in your son's choices, your husband will drive your son further to stick with this girl-friend and maybe not go to Cambridge in the end. You seem to know this, you are not being unreasonable, but you really need to sit down and explain to your husband that if he interferes like this at this stage, he will just worsen what seems like an already rather bad father-son relationship. Someone above wrote about their father guiding them rather than dictating to them - that is what you should be aiming for. Relationships with offsprung at this age can be exceedingly tricky - we have disliked our daughter's recent choices of long-term boy-friends, but have not criticised them to her face until she needed us to (when the relationships had come to a sticky end of their own accord), as we did not want to lose her trust or for her not to feel she could come to us if she was having problems. We have tried to guide and advise her rather than dictate to her (including university choices) and she knows we support her as much or as little as she wants now she is in her second year at university. It was very delicate from when she was around 13 to when she left school and a lot of the time, we had to treat her with kid gloves. As a result, though, she now understands that we don't think she is our chattel over whom we have complete control because of the financial help we are happy to give her and that we only have her best interests at heart. I'm sure it is the same for your husband (well, maybe not the control bit?), but he is going about it the wrong way if he wants to have a proper, adult relationship with his son eventually. It doesn't matter what you both think of your son's girl-friend, the important thing is how he feels about her at the moment. If you encourage her to come over and spend time with the family and welcome her into your home, you will make everyone happier. Your son may or may not "outgrow" her when he goes to university, but let him make his own choices. Guide, don't dictate.
Sorry to have waffled, OP, but please persuade your husband that he is really not helping the situation by his behaviour.

Im assuming the OP is everything the dad wanted a wife to be, the same kind of person he wants his sons partner to be. So it looks to me as if the boy is falling over himself backwards to be as unlike his twat of a dad as its possible to be - even when it comes to choosing a partner. Which is a shame because the OP is probably a very nice woman, just as the girlfriend is.

I do admit I'd be really upset if a child threw away the chance of a uni place at the likes of Cambridge so its great he's taken up the offer.

Alienate is the word I was looking for, in amongst the waffle - your husband needs to understand that you don't want your son to be any more alienated from you than he already is.

Headofthives -

Our daughters bfs family clearly do not approve of her. (He's been told he can never have her for dinner etc). It's hurtful to both of them.

Jesus, thats awful. For all of you.

Some people just have such ugly souls there really is no hope for them.

Anyone with teenagers knows the more you try and drive them apart from their bf/gf the more you push them together.

If your DH butts out, it will probably die a natural death when your DS starts Uni.

And if it doesn't, well perhaps they are meant to be together.

I think your dh has already damaged the relationship with his son beyond repair actually although it won't show for a few years yet. He's shown him that his love and support is not unconditional- it is conditional upon your son doing what he wants him to do, which is wrong. Your son is his own person and not an extension of your dh.

To minimise any damage to your own relationship with him I would be unconditionally supportive, welcome the girlfriend and be nice. She may end up being your daughter in law (or she may not!) you don't want to risk alienating her and any potential grandchildren long term.

I really hope he didn't accept the Cambridge offer to appease your dh. If so that is a terrible sadness on all parts and I would imagine he is full of anger and resentment.

Your DH is in the wrong.

And is acting in the right way to see your son and this girl get married.

I had a parent who was convinced that every decision that would steer my life was theirs to make. They had unfortunately not got the capacity to accept that I was a separate individual. We have been estranged for some time now.
And the " other" parent , the one that didn't intervene...well, that's called "by standing", and I realised they were prepared to throw me under a bus to not be the focus of the controlling ones anger....so, you do need to look to yourself too.
As fairylea says..

If he's accepted the Cambridge offer then your DH need to deep quiet about the GF.

Pick your battles and all that.

I don't agree with your DH.

However - I don't think getting your DS to accept the offer is the end to him possible not going and wonder if that is an issue for your DH.

My own sister came under pressure from her then boyfriend to stay - she went to her uni lasted two weeks then came back moved in with him then did an inferior degree - she is bitter as it tuned out he was a cheating arsehole who left her when pg and spent years fucking her round.

She found it hard and he was all come home while we were all give it a bit of time.

DH is a lecturer - many of his students disappear in the first few weeks of university.

I do think making any dislike of gf visible - it could be a tactile error, making him stick around longer than otherwise, as well as not your place to pick your DC partners.

Your dh needs to but out I assume your ds is 17/18 ?therefore this relationship is unlikely to last because relationship s at that age tend not too but the last thing your ds needs is pressure from his parents what if it makes him fuck up his A,levels ?just let it ride it's course.

I think both of you sound pretty means tbh.

I met a boy when I was 14 and he was 15. My family and their friends thought he was quiet, bit dull and wasn't good enough for me. They didn't tell me this however, they let me make my own choice.

I did. I married him. We now have 3 kids, he has a management position at work which makes us very comfortable and means I don't have to work (i do a little but don't have to) and my family and their friends absolutely love him now. In fact, I think my mum likes him more than she does me . He is an amazing dad and husband, 24 years later.

He is young. It may not last anyway but if it does, she may end up being fab.

Didn't think parents like this, (this includes you), existed any more.

All this antagonism from you both; don't think she won't pick up on the
' is just a bit dull if you ask me, has little ambition, no discernible hobbies or sparkle.'

Guaranteed to make them stick together. How many eighteen year-olds have met 'the one' at that age, even though they think they have?

I admire your son for sticking with her, and hope he achieves his place at Cambridge, when all sorts of things may happen.

I expect your DS finds an unchallenging GF rather comforting given all the school and family stressors in his life.

How many eighteen year-olds have met 'the one' at that age, even though they think they have?

I met the one at 18 at University - our education and careers did mean we had any years of a long distance relationship.

IL were initially nice - then as time went on and we didn't split increasingly less so. I was not what MIL wanted in a DIL - she wanted someone like her to go out with and she told me that often - she though DH should pick someone to suit her .

FIL was fine till DH stopped falling in with them then I got blamed got worse when had children and found my backbone - then despite being married with kids they tried to split us up and told people this. No effect and decade later they are back to being nice.

My parents very hostile to DH - as didn't want me having a boyfriend at all. Were like that till we got engaged many years after graduation - then decided they like him that stopped after marriage and first child came along - back to hostile. Then made few comments about us splitting.

All this has done is make us wary of them.

Nether of us compromised our education and career goals - we never asked the other to either. Different to my Dsis who made massive compromises and regrets them.

However my parents goals for me weren't mine - and DH goals haven't always coincided with his parents wishes.

It's possible GF could still adversely influence him - it's possible they'll split if/when he does go to University - it also possible they won't and she'll be around for years.

I'd spend less time worrying about GF - get him to focus on his long term ambitions - he'll need to work once at Cambridge as well as stick it out.

Also talk about how partners should encourage us and support us not dictated or limit our goals and ambitions - try dropping examples into conversations along those lines.

It's possible he does't fancy Cambridge university or even any university at all - and it's all him and not the GF at all. DH has had one student not work first year come and then say to him they'd never wanted to do University bit parents had insisted he try it- so he was dropping out been a pointless year all round.

I don't think I'd have much 'sparkle' around your DH either.