To think dh should butt out of ds' s gf choice?

[DPSN]

Have posted before about DH's reactions to DS' s choices re university and gf.
Relations between ds and rest of family are strained and he avoids spending time at home and only brings gf home if dh is not home.
DH doesn't approve of gf, ds senses this. DH thinks he can influence dc's choice of gf. I disagree.
DH wants to tell ds that his gf is not 'the one' in his I know what is best for you way. I think this is a mistake and would drive ds away further. Honestly, I hope she is not 'the one' but surely it is not my choice to make?!
DH thinks I am too tolerant and it is his duty to tell ds that his gf is a loser. She doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs or anything criminal, is just a bit dull if you ask me, has little ambition, no discernible hobbies or sparkle.
AIBU to let ds get on with his relationship as he sees fit? I am currently convinced that the answer is 'no', dh is convinced the answer is 'yes' and sees it as a parental duty to tell ds he has made a lousy choice - knowing that this would make strained relations even worse.
What do others think?

Your H should butt out.

Your DS is under a lot of pressure with A levels, Cambridge exams etc and really doesn't need shit from his parents about his gf.

DPSN you know what the right approach is. To me, your posts read like they were written by someone who has been conditioned into thinking that your husband's way of thinking is plausibly rational.

To be clear - your husband's attitude absolutely fucking stinks. As someone who has a FIL who dislikes her immensely (the words money-grabbing, unhelpful and freeloader come to mind I feel very, very sorry for the GF

Please support your son. Even if she isn't the one, it doesn't matter - if she makes your Ds happy then that is all that matters.

You can both have your own thoughts but if he's over 18 then it's his choice. Hopefully it will naturally fade at uni.

I get what your DH means, if his son is clever enough for Cambridge you'd hope he'd have a like minded partner as likely more in common. He may feel your DS will end up supporting her and curtailing his social life if she has no hobbies etc.

Thanks Hihohoho1 I've found the same thing as I get older too so I regard it as a bit of a badge of pride these days!

I remember the first thread. He should definitely butt out now.

In fairness, there's nothing wrong with wanting your son to have a gf with ambition, hobbies, interests and - yes - sparkle. But it's a bad idea to say it.

And agree that it's very unwise of your DH to push your DS before he's actually turned up at Cambridge! Can you sell it to him from this angle - that it's just a bad idea for him to rant?

Your H has real problems dealing with people. This is not the way to do it. It is likely to make your son feel constantly criticised and as if nothing is ever good enough for dad. He will want to avoid spending time with his picky critical dad, and you'll go down with that ship. Tell him firmly now to rein it in. Plus ask him if he thinks he is the most sparkling individual who ever lived. Perhaps your son and his girlfriend find him dull.

It is a universal fact that the harder parents try to push young star crossed lovers apart, the closer they will become.

Honestly by this point I'd abandon trying to be on the same page as DH, as he's being ridiculous. Just tell your DS you support his choice and his relationship. I'd also say to him that you realise DH is not so amenable and that if he tries to tell DS what to do, he doesn't have to listen, smile and nod etc. I know that's not "a united front" as they say but DS needs to know someone's on his side and it is DH who is unreasonable.

Dull and lacking sparkle - well yes I've been that girlfriend, when I knew my boyfriend's parents didn't like me and I felt like a frightened mouse. On the contrary I've had boyfriends with lovely parents who I was really close to. It might not be her. She might be great when she's just with your DS. And if she's not, well then it probably won't last. Let's face it, at their age it probably won't anyway.

I imagine my dh's parents thought I had rather too much sparkle and ambition when they met me 26 years ago! I was a bit gobby and 'my way or the highway' - I am far more considered and demure now .

Anyway my point is your dh is not dating this girl, his son is and clearly finds her attractive and loveable. If she is a bit dull and uninspiring he will find out in due course and they will very likely split.

This is going to blow up in both your faces if you're not careful. Your husband will end up pissing your son off and he's liable to drop out of Cambridge and move in with his girlfriend. You should both be delighted he's going to uni and be more accepting of their relationship. The chances are it will go the way of most young relationships, but not if you end up pushing them together.

When I was 17 I was with a mummy's boy lad who I loved very much, and he loved me. I was a bit shy then, and a bit mousey, and his mum and dad clearly thought he was a cut above me. I remember. Ding described by them as dull. Anyway, I went on to get straight As at a-level then continued on to have a career in the semi-spotlight. He completely fucked up his a-levels, stayed in his home town and got drunk lots, then got a job in a pub, much to his mum's utter disgust. I dumped him for various reasons he wasn't good enough for me and by this time his mum was fucking fuming as she knew I was the best he was ever going to get. I'm now married to an awesome guy, have 3 kids and a fab job that I love.

Well, fuck you Penelope. I hope you choked on your cornflakes when you read about me in he paper

I learned from watching my PIL that you never criticise your child's partner as it ends badly. Just let them get on with it. If the gf is horrible you need to trust that you raised your son well enough to spot it. If you say she's horrible then you'll offend his choice.
Very few people stay with their teenage gf. He'll probably move on once he gets to college.
I don't think you're at all as bad as your dh. You're just concerned about your son throwing his life away, which is totally understandable.

OP I get it. I'm from a small town. I had a bf who had no ambition, the only hobby he had was going down the pub with his mates. We stayed together through uni and split up afterwards.

My DM didn't like him and knew he wasn't right for me. My friends also knew he wasn't right for me. But they never told me this. It was only after we split up they told me how they felt. And they were right. Now I'm married to my wonderful DH.

Your DH can't say anything. Your DS wouldn't listen anyway.

I'm with you.
I dated a loser for easily a year more than I should have when I was in my late teens as my parents made it clear how much they disliked him. I always ended up defending him (same thing as you son's gf nothing horrific just a bit dull and a bit of knob) but I was too proud to let my parents know they were right. If they'd have butted out it would have saved me a lot of agro.

Goodness I don't know whether I feel sorrier for your DS or your DS's GF.

My MIL disliked me when I met DH. She helpfully told DH (and me!) what my perceived flaws were, in an attempt to persuade him to her way of thinking. DH hasn't spoken to her for the last decade - there was of course a lot more to it in our case but generally it's a risky game.

As PP said, nothing wrong with a supportive loving chat (although I think this might be an alien concept to your DH) but bluntly criticising what you perceive to be negative in her character isn't on. Christ, it's not like she's a drug dealer or convict, you just don't like her.

I agree with Any

Lets look forward to her 'my ILs are toxic' threads on here shall we?

And can I just add that my horrible mil had thoughts about me that were similar to the ones your 'd'h has. I was pursuing an art degree and apparently wouldn't amount to anything.

I own my own business and make more in a day than she does in a month.

What the hell does he know about her ambitions?

A couple of peaches so you are.

I think you are getting an unfairly hard time on here OP. I sympathise, I am not wild about my DD1's boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with him, but he has a low level job & is no oil painting, whereas DD is a very good looking high achiever. In fairness, he does seem to appreciate he is punching above his weight and seems to treat her nicely, I hope.

Be that as it may, we have never uttered or hinted one word against him. As she is a teenager, parental disapproval would probably be the fast track to marriage, so we welcome him, are nothing but supportive of the relationship, but sincerely hope it won't last - and if we let well alone it is more likely to. So you don't have to like her, but keep it to yourself!

Why does having a hobby make people interesting?

Why is her having no Hobbies a bad thing?

Your DS obviously thinks this girl is special. It's funny that you assume she is dull. When I was that age I was incredibly shy and quiet. If I was going out with someone whose parents were so overbearing and probably fully aware I was neither liked or thought good enough, then it would've made me retreat into myself even more around them.
Does she work? I think I remember you saying she wasn't in college.
Your DH needs to butt out or risk his own relationship with his son.
Once at uni your son will be surrounded by new people and may have his eyes opened to other possibilities or realise this girl is his future. Either way it is none of your business.

he does seem to appreciate he is punching above his weight and seems to treat her nicely

What a nasty thing to say. Shes lucky she has a bf who treats her well, myself and all my teenage friends all had bfs who treated us like shit.