To think dh should butt out of ds' s gf choice?

[DPSN]

Have posted before about DH's reactions to DS' s choices re university and gf.
Relations between ds and rest of family are strained and he avoids spending time at home and only brings gf home if dh is not home.
DH doesn't approve of gf, ds senses this. DH thinks he can influence dc's choice of gf. I disagree.
DH wants to tell ds that his gf is not 'the one' in his I know what is best for you way. I think this is a mistake and would drive ds away further. Honestly, I hope she is not 'the one' but surely it is not my choice to make?!
DH thinks I am too tolerant and it is his duty to tell ds that his gf is a loser. She doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs or anything criminal, is just a bit dull if you ask me, has little ambition, no discernible hobbies or sparkle.
AIBU to let ds get on with his relationship as he sees fit? I am currently convinced that the answer is 'no', dh is convinced the answer is 'yes' and sees it as a parental duty to tell ds he has made a lousy choice - knowing that this would make strained relations even worse.
What do others think?

So, that's it - no more mn for me. This thread has taught me to stick to rl for now.

There are people here who post to deliberately cause upset just for the sake of it. They have nothing better to do and its a jolly good laugh in their very empty lives.

Rather than stop posting I think you should just laugh at them whilst ignoring what they say. They really aren't worth anything more than that - sad feckers that they are.

Hear hear noton

You need rhino hide. I wouldn't be without mine. The ridiculous comments just bounce off it.

So. Your son's GF wants him to give up his place at Cambridge so he can be with her?

All very understandable, but it shows that she doesn't have your son's best interests at heart, although her intentions may be absolutely for the best.

Jeepers people, there is nothing arrogant about wanting one's child to take up a place at one of the world's best universities.

By contrast, there is something wrong with being that age and having no obvious interests.

There is something very wrong with talking a person out of a university place at Cambridge.

I totally understand your DH's anxiety, and reckon the gf is getting an easy ride.

toad interests may not be obvious, that's not unusual or wrong. I'm sure my BF parents at that age didn't know my interests! We aren't all arrogant enough to presume anyone else will be interested hearing about our interests!

I understand he has firmed the Cambridge offer so the gf isn't stopping him.

A lot of what's said can be misinterpreted if hearing second hand. The gf may have said oh well if you don't go to Cambridge you can live with me, meaning if it doesn't happen then he can live with her.

Quick happy update:
Told dh to keep negativity to himself, told ds I distance myself from all nasty comments made so far by dh about gf and if she makes him happy, it is all fine by me. She is coming for dinner this evening - a very rare occurrence. If dh doesn't like it, he can go out or suddenly not be hungry!

Great stuff OP, and here's to a really nice evening together.

I reckon your DS's GF just feels very uncomfortable in your presence so you have no idea what she's really like.

That's great op well done. Hope the evening goes well.

Well done OP. Hope the dinner goes well this evening, and that your DH at least starts to get the message.

Fair play op hope it goes well

Hope you have a nice evening. How about lots of alcohol - perhaps the gf is a riot when she's pissed.

Hope you have a lovely evening. I'd ask some very open-ended questions so that the GF can talk about what interests her.

That's great, OP.

I honestly doubt they'll last if he goes away to uni. But the relationship patterns you're forming with this are likely to. Good for you.

Good luck and best wishes with everything DPSN.

Didn't quite go according to plan.
Called to ds that dinner was ready. He called back 'we're not hungry' and did not emerge from room.
Dh and I popped to shops after dinner. By the time we got back , ds and gf had had dinner.
Olive branch not accepted I guess!

Wow to be fair op that's pretty rude of them not to eat with you if they knew you were cooking especially for you all.

That is pretty rude.

Listen, I don't want to scare monger, but one of my sons had a gf who seemed to never want to be around us and always seemed to 'need' him when we were planning something as a family. When we tried to talk to him about why that was he became extremely defensive. Long story short, the relationship was abusive (on her part) including physical abuse and she did a real number on my son. I'm not saying this girl is anything like that, but do keep an eye on things.

Oh dear, that's a shame.

It's very disappointing that they chose to snub the effort you had made. You will need to restrain your DH from getting angry about it. I would say something about it though. Next time he needs a lift jp whatever I'd point out that it would not be nice of you to decide you weren't in the mood to give the lift, but fortunately you're an adult and wouldn't be so discourteous.

I wouldn't want to eat dinner with people who actively disliked me either though. Even if it was under the heading of an olive branch, she knows what you think of her I'm sure so she'd probably feel horrendously uncomfortable.

They may have been in the middle of a very emotional chat at the time dinner was ready. Or she was going to try to make an effort but got herself worked up into a state as she felt like she was on trial and the pressure got too much.

Or they might have just been 'busy'

Well the OP came back before I got to the end of the thread at the number of posters who inferred on the evidence of fuck all that the OP was saying to the girl's face what she said on MN.

And saying that somehow this opinion must be detectable even when not expressed openly is ridiculous.

And saying that somehow this opinion must be detectable even when not expressed openly is ridiculous.

It's certainly not impossible though. Even if you try to hide it, there may be lots of giveaways that you don't like someone, such as body language, less eye contact, a general tension.

Jeez, I dont know what to make of that turn of events but Im wondering if the son realised from the start it was an invitation to sit down to dinner together, more formal than informal.

But then perhaps the girl got cold feet once she was in the house, perhaps it just felt all wrong even though the OP had wanted it to be great.

OP - when she arrived did you all have an attempt at a natter/smoothing things over, or did they arrive and go straight upstairs?

And you know what? I think your son is being an arse as well.