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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh should butt out of ds' s gf choice?

154 replies

DPSN · 09/02/2016 18:58

Have posted before about DH's reactions to DS' s choices re university and gf.
Relations between ds and rest of family are strained and he avoids spending time at home and only brings gf home if dh is not home.
DH doesn't approve of gf, ds senses this. DH thinks he can influence dc's choice of gf. I disagree.
DH wants to tell ds that his gf is not 'the one' in his I know what is best for you way. I think this is a mistake and would drive ds away further. Honestly, I hope she is not 'the one' but surely it is not my choice to make?!
DH thinks I am too tolerant and it is his duty to tell ds that his gf is a loser. She doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs or anything criminal, is just a bit dull if you ask me, has little ambition, no discernible hobbies or sparkle.
AIBU to let ds get on with his relationship as he sees fit? I am currently convinced that the answer is 'no', dh is convinced the answer is 'yes' and sees it as a parental duty to tell ds he has made a lousy choice - knowing that this would make strained relations even worse.
What do others think?

OP posts:
RaspberryOverload · 09/02/2016 20:30

OP, at what point is your DH going to stop trying to dictate to your DS?

He's butted in over the uni choice
He wants to get rid of the gf

Will he try to dictate your DS's post uni career?
Dictate how the wedding goes? (whoever the lucky woman is?)
Dictate how the child-rearing goes?

Your DH doesn't sound very nice at all, and he needs to butt out.

I was a mousy sort around DP's parents when I first met them, for quite some time. DP and I have now been together for 29 years, and my friends know I'm not the shy, retiring sort Grin

But DP's parents were nearly 20 years older than my own parents, that the age gap seemed massive and I struggled to meet them halfway across it. It was so difficult trying to find some common ground.

Maybe that's the difficulty faced by your DS's gf, and if she senses the dislike coming from your DH then it'll be even harder for her.

LidikaLikes · 09/02/2016 20:38

Can either your or your DH remember back to your teen/early adult years?

Any chance of compassion or warmth from either of you to your DS or his gf?

I think your DH (and perhaps you) sounds like an odious snob.

sleeponeday · 09/02/2016 20:41

DH thinks he can influence dc's choice of gf. I disagree.

I think he is right and you are wrong, actually, but only in that he is going to turn a normal teenage relationship into Romeo and Juliet if he keeps trying to meddle. Nothing like a little dose of star-crossed intensity to up the ante - ask anyone engaged in an affair. Your son is a teenager, he is developmentally going to start pushing the boundaries, and your DH wants to paint a nice big target on this GF and his place at Cambridge? If he wants your DS to drop out and move in with this girl then he is going the right way about it.

And it isn't any of your husband's business, whether or not this girl has "sparkle". What matters is whether or not your son is happy with her - and that should matter to him, not anyone else.

Your husband is working on being the sort of FIL people start threads about. And you know what tends to happen to family bonds, when a son is seen as an extension of his parents, and his wife treated as though unworthy of his precious time, I'm sure.

Your husband needs to get out of the habit of trying to force his son to choose between his family of origin and a girl, and if he won't, you need to make your distance with that position really, really apparent. Because one of these days, he could end up without seeing his son or his grandchildren - and you could be in that boat with him.

acasualobserver · 09/02/2016 20:42

Did your DH's parents vet his choice of girlfriends? His choice of wife? He must see his behaviour is utterly self-defeating, surely?

HelsBels3000 · 09/02/2016 20:47

I'm going to go against the grain here - when I was 16 I started dating a guy who was 18 - my first serious boyfriend. He was fairly quiet, shy, unassuming - had a job as a gardener, didn't finish college, had fairly rubbish grades at school and generally wasn't much of a good 'catch' if you like - my parents said nothing. They were always pleasant and kind and made an effort to include him in our family and made many trips back and forth between our houses so we could see each other. Eventually when I was 22, we got married, had the big white wedding, bought a house. Except 14 months later I met the guy that really did blow my socks off - he was charming and charismatic and fun to be around, worked for himself, had massive goals and ambitions. I ended my first marriage amidst much delight from my parents and brother and friends - who had all said NOTHING to me about how unsuitable and how mismatched first partner was. Am now happily married to him with 3 beautiful DC, 2 dogs and a lovely home - DH has a successful business and we couldn't be happier. I actually wish my parents had said something, tactfully, and perhaps dissuaded me from making the massive mistake I did by marrying first boyfriend.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2016 20:50

would it have made any difference, Hels ? Be honest now.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2016 20:51

If he's accepted and is going to Cambridge, I'd tell DH to remember that Uni will open a whole new world of experiences, friends and girls for DS. That's it's highly likely he'll grow and mature there and will end up with a whole new circle of friends as most Uni students do.

For DH to tell DS his GF isn't 'the one' will only bind him closer to her.

PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2016 20:57

I actually wish my parents had said something, tactfully, and perhaps dissuaded me from making the massive mistake I did by marrying first boyfriend.

The trouble is until you're ready to hear it, there's very little anyone can say to convince you to leave someone unsuitable. Unless there's abuse involved I think the most that's appropriate for parents to say is to think very carefully about the choice of partner and they'll be there for you whatever.

tinofbiscuits · 09/02/2016 20:58

There's nothing wrong with being dull, and in any case, clearly your DS doesn't think she is.

sleeponeday · 09/02/2016 21:06

They were always pleasant and kind and made an effort to include him in our family and made many trips back and forth between our houses so we could see each other.

There's a big gulf between not criticising, and massively enabling, though? This kid is off to Cambridge in October, and after a term of earnestly trying to make it work, it will get harder and harder. I only know one couple who did make it work, and they are hugely compatible on just about every front, massively ambitious, and have never really looked, either one of them, at anyone else since they were 15 - they're almost 40 now. Every single other person at college broke up with their pre-college partner. The one thing that could make him cling on like grim death is having a subconscious determination to prove his father wrong....

OohMavis · 09/02/2016 21:07

No 'sparkle'? Really?

Maybe she just doesn't feel she should have to perform like well-trained pony to earn your approval! She sparkles for your DS, his opinion is the only one that matters.

HelsBels3000 · 09/02/2016 21:24

Its no hard to say - looking at it now from the perspective of a 33yr old compared to a hormonal 16/17/18yr old - it seems ridiculous that my parents didn't say something at the time. However, there were many rows about being allowed out, allowed to stay over, studying time etc etc. My DB was only a young teenager at the time and his opinion wouldn't have held much weight back then with me, he now tells me how obvious it was we weren't compatible. I wish someone had said!!! My Dad gave me the speech before the wedding when we were home alone waiting to go to church and I remember desperately not wanting to go through with it - but thinking I wouldn't know how to face the music if I chose to pull out Sad

ivykaty44 · 09/02/2016 21:31

Ask your dh how he would react if your DS said to him that his choice if wife was a bit iffy and he could surely have picked someone better suited....

Yes it is the same, its a critsism of a persons choice.

You dh seems to have a controlling nature - is he trying to live his life through his DS?

MistressDeeCee · 09/02/2016 21:50

If I remember rightly from last thread, your DH is part-funding your DH for Uni?

Your DH's behaviour is disgraceful, he is acting as if funding your DS means he owns him. I can't stand people who think helping with money = ownership and the right to dictate and control. I get the feeling this is nothing new, and your DH must have been feeling like shit with a dad like that. Who WOULD be right for your DS, in your DH's eyes? Possibly a woman he deems an academic high flier? But then in his way he would probably butt into their life too

It doesn't matter anyway...your DH is simply being a pest, he is pestering your son and now pestering you as (a) he can't get his own ways with your son & (b) you (rightly agree he has no right to behave like this. Who knows if the relationship will even last? They're young, after all. But your DH should be careful he doesn't cause your DS to rebel against him.

Whats the betting after Uni you barely see your DS, he'll go on to live his life and you won't much be a part of it. Its a shame, but I don't see how the outcome can be any different Whats your DH going to do then? Threaten to cut him off from family income unless he does what he's told? Back to financial control? That never lasts, as sadly your DH will discover sooner than he thinks

MistressDeeCee · 09/02/2016 21:57

Im actually wondering if you and your DH have hobbies, OP. I don't mean that in a nasty way, just that your DH seems to have a lot of time on his hands to peer into your DS's life. Your DS is very young who is to say he will stay with this girl? Yet there's all this big fuss. Just thinking your DS must be prepping for A levels too, and he has a dad who just won't let up. I hope your DS clearly knows you are on his side and that you understand, because he really needs your support now.

Wardy1993 · 09/02/2016 21:59

She's dull and has no sparkle? Who are you fucking Liberace?!

You're both judgemental arse holes... Poor girl could probably teach you and your darling husband some manners.

notquiteruralbliss · 09/02/2016 22:09

Absolutely. But there again, I was 'that' GF. DH went to an expensive school, top uni, PhD etc and met me (1st year undergrad at a not particularly high ranking polytechnic who grew up on a huge council estate) while he was a post doc at a nearby uni. To say his mother was less than thrilled is an understatement. Still 30 odd years and 4 DCs later, she has come round. Possibly helped by the fact that I earn enough to mean that DH has not been under any pressure to ditch his academic career for something that pays better.

Usernamegone · 09/02/2016 22:09

I imagine that poor girl is terrified to open her mouth every time she visits your house so is never given the chance to 'sparkle'. Would any girl ever be good enough to get your DH's approval?

Littlecaf · 09/02/2016 22:24

In my early 20s I had a BF who my DM recently called 'a little boring'. But to my parents credit, they never interfered and the relationship ran its course. I'm glad they never said anything at the time, it wasn't any of their business. In hindsight, he was boring.

I don't think my (current) DP made a massive impression on my DM when they met, I'm sure she went home to my DF and said something like 'ummmm, he seemed nice', but 8 years on they think the sun shines out of his arse - (cos he is fantastic) it just took time.

Your DH needs to leave it alone.

memyselfandaye · 09/02/2016 22:25

I was going to say the same thing Username The poor girl probably hates being around the bf's family, so her "sparkle" doesn't appear when she's feeling nervous and intimidated, and lets be honest, she will know what you really think of her.

OP Your husband is clearly a cunt, a big man calling a young girl a loser.

Out of interest, has he set the world on fire with his sparkly success?

SuperKingDuvet · 09/02/2016 22:29

My FIL actually did this to my DH when he was in a relationship before he met me.

Apparently they had a 'Family Conference' and his dad said that although she was a nice girl, he could do 'better' and that she wasn't 'clever' enough for him. Shock

He'd died by the time DH & I got together, so he never had to meet me, luckily for him! Grin

AnUtterIdiot · 09/02/2016 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 09/02/2016 22:50

I was on your last thread about your DH wanting to stop speaking to DS or supporting him financially if he didn't choose Cambridge (he was also considering another more local uni).

You and your DH have decided that this girl is dull and lacking in sparkle. Clearly your DS does not find her like that though. It is his relationship, so it is his opinion that counts, not yours or your DH's.

Your DH is not coming across well in either of your threads. He just has no idea when to butt out if your DS's business.

You don't have to present the united front to your 18 year old if you have doubts over your DH's approach. It isn't the same as parenting a toddler, though your DH seems not to have twigged that yet.

I have always said to my DH that I will support him if I believe he is right, but I wont if I believe he isn't.

If you want to maintain much of a relationship with your DS in the future, or for him to feel he can confide in you, you need to make sure that you tell him that his father's opinion is not yours and that he can count on you.

Headofthehive55 · 09/02/2016 23:00

Strikes me how the important qualities for your DH seem to be material ones, or at least the possibility of such and not such qualities as kindness and loyalty. Which the last time I looked were not qualities solely associated with high achieving sparkly girls!

I think it speaks volumes about your DHs values.

Our daughters bfs family clearly do not approve of her. (He's been told he can never have her for dinner etc). It's hurtful to both of them.

MrsJayy · 09/02/2016 23:18

Is your husband hoping his son marrys well or something ? He sounds a complete snob your poor son and that girl doesnt deserve any of your husbands insults