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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think dh should butt out of ds' s gf choice?

154 replies

DPSN · 09/02/2016 18:58

Have posted before about DH's reactions to DS' s choices re university and gf.
Relations between ds and rest of family are strained and he avoids spending time at home and only brings gf home if dh is not home.
DH doesn't approve of gf, ds senses this. DH thinks he can influence dc's choice of gf. I disagree.
DH wants to tell ds that his gf is not 'the one' in his I know what is best for you way. I think this is a mistake and would drive ds away further. Honestly, I hope she is not 'the one' but surely it is not my choice to make?!
DH thinks I am too tolerant and it is his duty to tell ds that his gf is a loser. She doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs or anything criminal, is just a bit dull if you ask me, has little ambition, no discernible hobbies or sparkle.
AIBU to let ds get on with his relationship as he sees fit? I am currently convinced that the answer is 'no', dh is convinced the answer is 'yes' and sees it as a parental duty to tell ds he has made a lousy choice - knowing that this would make strained relations even worse.
What do others think?

OP posts:
CottonFrock · 10/02/2016 11:51

Gosh, I think a lot of posters are identifying very, very strongly with the 'dull' gf - possibly because of being disapproved of by their own ILs?

OP, absolutely your DH needs to butt out right now - quite apart from it being none of his business, having persuaded your son not to turn down the Cambridge place, a tactical retreat is much the best option now.

Plus you can't tell any teenager that their current squeeze is not 'the one' (even if you believe in that kind of one true soulmate claptrap) - it's likely the son has only the most cursory romantic history before this GF, and while as older adults we've most of us had many relationships and are able to see relationships as not necessarily forever, it's too much to ask of someone of that age. He's presumably not thinking of this as some kind of 'starter' relationship, even if it turns out to be that.

Plus, it's possible (albeit unlikely) he will spend his life with this girl - my DH and I got together aged 19 and are still very happily together in our 40s. Having said that, the reason our relationship worked and continues to work is that we were both ambitious WC youngsters, the first of our families to go to university, and we were very clear on never getting in one another's way, or stopping one another doing anything. So we both lived and studied and worked in different countries at times, and never limited ourselves for the other's sake.

Your son's relationship is different, if the GF is acting as a sort of brake on your son's ambition or freedom - did she try to persuade him not to take up the Cambridge place, or was it simply that he wanted to stay local for university because of her? (Not that it particularly matters - the effect is the same.)

But you're not wrong to worry about the longterm impact of a relationship at eighteen that stops your child doing things they would otherwise have done. I can think of three examples from my immediate circle, but will tell only one.

My goddaughter, immediately before she started university in another city, got a boyfriend at home. When it became clear early that her flatmates in her student accommodation wouldn't put up with the boyfriend (who was not working at the time) living there semi-permanently, Goddaughter began to go home every single weekend to see him the second her final lab/lecture was over, and fell behind on work, because he (lovely but unambitious, live-for-the-moment type who saw work as something that funded your drinking) thought she was a weird swot to be working on assignments at the weekend, rather than clubbing.

To cut a long story short, she never settled at all at university, because she was either on the phone to him every evening for hours, or trekking back to see him at every possible opportunity. She made no friends, and ended up dropping out, having never given either her course or the university a chance, because her loyalties and mind were elsewhere.

Needless to say, the relationship ended within a few weeks of her dropping out and going home, and she admitted she had screwed up and blown a lot of money for a relationship she couldn't see past.

But there is very little you can do to avoid that kind of situation, realistically. Certainly not telling your teenage son he has made a 'lousy' choice of girlfriend. All I'm saying is you're not wrong to worry, but your options are strictly limited, and most of them will risk making the relationship into a star-crossed lovers situation.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 10/02/2016 11:57

OP, really?

Why are you here AGAIN? You've posted before about your DH and his opinion about your son's choice of university and this girlfriend. We all told you your husband is an arse of the highest order on those threads. Here you are with another one, asking "what do others think?"

You KNOW what we think? Why keep asking? Do you not have a brain of your own to think for yourself. You've made it clear on each thread you disagree with your DH, so why do you need us to validate you time and time again? What benefit does it bring, because you don't actually DO anything.

Not surprised your DS chooses to be away from home as much as possible. And I suspect it isn't just about your DH.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 10/02/2016 11:59

I have said this on a few threads now, but the advice I have given my DCs is to find a partner who is kind. If they're kind they're a pretty good bet, no matter what their job is or what they look like. Jobs and looks change, but if someone is a kind and generous person they will usually remain so.

My family were relatively tight lipped about DH (unlike his family ) although we came from wildly different backgrounds. They soon came to appreciate he was a good, unselfish and generally lovely person and a couple of decades later, he is at their house changing their light bulbs as I type Grin

JessicasRabbit · 10/02/2016 12:02

OP, say nothing. This is the start of an incredibly stressful time for your DS, with high-stakes testing a couple of months away. You need to make his home life as stress free as possible. Can you at least get your husband to say nothing til after the exams? The last thing he needs is pressure from home as well as at school.

Headofthehive55 · 10/02/2016 12:21

I agree purple

Sometimes likes don't attract and a chalk and cheese relationship works better.

They may work out they may not, but pushing his choice of gf away will only lead to him becoming estranged from you.

Hihohoho1 · 10/02/2016 12:30

I think stillDrSeth has it in a nutshell.

Am I the only one who actually hopes they marry, live happily ever after and hope the dil is a mumsnetter.

Love to see her posts on her inlaws. Grin

Wardy1993 · 10/02/2016 12:52

Op has fucked off... What a shame Wink

SoThatHappened · 10/02/2016 13:02

I think that it would be kinder for the GF so she has no chance of marrying into your family.

I laughed out loud at that.

who the hell do the two of you think your son is? Confused

We are talking about presumably 17 year olds? Children still!

My first boyfriends family disliked me too. And I knew it even if it wasn't said. They did what ever they could to get him away from me.

Yes I lacked sparkle, wasnt all that ambitious, but I was very very young. Their son was a lazy abusive cunt enabled by his parents in retrospect.

We split up when I was 22. I was devastated but wished later on Id dumped him years before.

Tbh I looked him up on Facebook a couple of years ago. He's done nothing with his life and I have with mine.

helenahandbag · 10/02/2016 13:12

his gf is a loser. She doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs or anything criminal, is just a bit dull if you ask me, has little ambition, no discernible hobbies or sparkle.

This could be me. I don't do anything illegal, I'm not much of a drinker, parties make me anxious and I don't really do much outside of Netflix/reading/book club/baking/seeing friends/going to the gym. I work in a comfortable job as a university administrator with no desire to go into anything above middle management and even the OU degree I'll be starting later this year is just for me, nothing to specifically further my career.

I hope my PIL don't secretly think I'm a boring loser.

Topseyt · 10/02/2016 13:42

I guess I too am what some people might term "dull" and with no "sparkle" because I am not a big socialite, don't do parties or clubbing and prefer the home life to the "paint the town red" one.

It is perfectly possible that the DS has accepted the Cambridge offer in order to shut his parents (particularly his dad) up at least for the short term. Maybe he hopes to go there, in which case he will go all out to achieve that. Maybe he doesn't want to go there but just wants his parents off his back.

OP's more softly softly approach is better than her DH's intrusive and dictatorial all guns blazing one, but the DH does somehow need to be reined in now before he completely destroys family relationships with their DS.

I would be telling the DH that his approach stinks and refusing to support it. But then, I have a fairly stubborn DH too, who has a tendency to not think this sort of thing through. I have learned to deal with this over the years and to ram it home when necessary. He listens.

Hihohoho1 · 10/02/2016 13:52

What's with the hobbies?

People with hobbies are usually eccentric in my experience. Grin

Can't see the ops dh having much sparkly to be fair.

DPSN · 10/02/2016 14:57

Thank you for your responses.
Stilldrseth - I find your post unfair. To say I ask for opinions 'time and time again' is harsh. I have started a total of two threads. If you think you have nothing to add, add nothing.
You can have no idea about what I have or have not done.
I get that posting something on here is going to result in all sorts of criticism - I'm fine with that. I was , however, taken aback by your criticism of starting a thread at all to get other opinions - is that not what this site is for? And so what if I need the validation again? If it helps me, so what? Is it harming anyone?
You ask what benefit my threads bring. So far they have helped me to distance myself completely from my dh's mindset. He is very good at trying to guilt-trip me into sharing his opinion.
I have said nothing negative to ds about his gf, chat normally with her when I see her, have often talked to him about differentating between what my dh and I say and that he shouldn't allow himself to be bullied by him.
It is not a crime to not like ds' s gf as much as he does but I keep my thoughts on her to myself at home. As I said in my first post - it is his choice, not mine and I will not be interfering in his relationship with her.
Your post has put me off ever starting a thread again so I guess it is job done for you.
Wardy - I hadn't f**d off. I only posted yesterday. I have been reading all the comments. Don't know what you had been hoping for.

OP posts:
cuntycowfacemonkey · 10/02/2016 15:03

I think posters think MN runs like a soap opera and they want big scenes and action and a conclusion within hours and forget that in real life things change over time.

It's all 9am: Leave the bastard
10am: Have you packed yet? Why not?
1pm: Well clearly you're not going to take our advice so why bother posting.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 10/02/2016 15:04

Usually leave the bastard is sound advice i will admit

OhShutUpThomas · 10/02/2016 15:06

It's all 9am: Leave the bastard
10am: Have you packed yet? Why not?
1pm: Well clearly you're not going to take our advice so why bother posting.

YES.

BadLad · 10/02/2016 15:14

At university he'll probably meet someone he likes more by the end of his first year.

whattheseithakasmean · 10/02/2016 15:27

Well, I continue to think you have had a hard time, OP, and I don't actually believe the posters who try to pretend they would not be the slightest bit worried or concerned about their children's choice of partner. It is nice to think it will all work out for the best, but the divorce rate in this country tells us otherwise - people do make bad choices and it is painful to have to observe your child making what you think may be a mistake and have to keep quiet - and then if you are helsbels parents you are judged for saying nothing!

You sound like a normal loving and concerned mother to me but I think you are wise to keep your opinions to yourself, hard though it may be and should encourage your DH to do the same.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 10/02/2016 15:29

OP, based on your university thread, your DH will tell your DS whatever he thinks regardless of what you think. You don't want to say anything to your DS about his girlfriend but you clearly agree with your DH and don't really like her much.

You've already said your DS senses your DH disapproves of his gf even though he hasn't said anything yet. And it is highly likely he will soon sense you disapprove of her as well. He's an intelligent lad.

Thing is, it doesn't matter what we think. Or what you think, or what your DH thinks. Your DS will choose whoever he wants. Your DS will choose whichever university he wants. Or job. Quite honestly, I think to disapprove of a gf purely because you don't think she sparkles is laughable. She's still ridiculously young and entitled not yet to have made up her mind about what she wants to do, her ambitions.

I could understand if she was an absolute nightmare who sold drugs, was turning your DS into a junkie, stole cars. But to disapprove someone for not being the life and soul of the party???

Of course YANBU to let your son get on with his relationship as he sees fit. I'm just gobsmacked you actually need to ask. And based on the attitude of your DH, I would actually hope that rather than tolerate it (which is basically what you're doing and he will sense it in time), you actually SUPPORT him in it.

nellyflora · 10/02/2016 15:47

I don't see why you DH is getting so worked up over a teenage romance. The important thing is the son has a Cambridge offer. Concentrate on him actually getting the grades then off he go's. Unlikely pre uni love will last especially when he finds himself in the depth of Cambridge life. Get your DH to keep out of it because if he keeps on like this the young love will be so much more exciting than it really is and last longer than freshens week. Btw boring and dull girls may also be stable supportive and loving whilst exciting could destroy your son, be careful what you wish for!

Headofthehive55 · 10/02/2016 15:49

I think we all form opinions of our children's BF gf etc. It's quite normal. Sometimes I expect they are reasonable doubts, other times they will be proved wrong.

I get what you are saying about having worries about his gf, I think we all have worries about our children's relationships, whether you worry about them being heartbroken, or being cheated on. Trouble is, BF and gf s are rarely perfect, but then few people are.

At the end of the day, if she makes your son happy, then you should be thrilled.

PastaLaFeasta · 10/02/2016 15:49

I agree with pps, she may just come across as dull and unambitious but she's a teen and is still discovering herself. And your son will realise if she isn't suitable when he meets all the uni girls.

My teenage boyfriend's parents weren't keen on me although they backed off mostly. I'm a bit working class compared to their middle class academic background. But I was the one off to the better uni, did well and had a career in government in London before kids. He destroyed his brain with drugs at uni which seemed to have caused mental health issues.

DH's parents are actually very similar but I was more polished by that point so were fine until I got pregnant and they freaked - no idea why as DH was 30 and about to marry and buy a place in London. I'm NC with them.

DPSN · 10/02/2016 15:49

Stilldrseth - if you bothered to read the update I gave on the university thread, I had a day out with dh, we discussed everything and he backed down , so he doesn't do stuff regardless of my views. It is hard work talking him out of his rather extreme views, though.
So, that's it - no more mn for me. This thread has taught me to stick to rl for now.
Thanks to all those who have helped.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 10/02/2016 16:05

Does your dh really think the girl. Has no sparkle what does that even mean they are 17/18 maybe the girl is shy or doesn't need to be sparkly

timeKeepingOnMars · 10/02/2016 16:14

but I was more polished by that point so were fine until I got pregnant and they freaked - no idea why as DH was 30 and about to marry and buy a place in London.

Not just me then Grin - been together 10 year married two DH 30 - deposited saved by me to buy - God the horror how irresponsible we were Hmm.

Got worse when we had more children like we planned and I became a SAHM for a bit like MIL had been - they wouldn't admit their behaviour now though oh now - despite spending a few years telling everyone they wanted us to split and how they were causing problems - they've always been good IL Hmm.

I do get why the OP is worried - and I think she'll probably get her DH to re-think his behaviour towards gf like he has to the Cambridge situation.

Topseyt · 10/02/2016 17:17

OP, I know some posts have been very harsh, but there have been measured ones too.

Glad to see in your updates that you are not expressing your own opinions directly to your DS. Now to turn the volume off on your DH.

I do know what it is like to have to manage a DH who sometimes live with his foot permanently in his mouth. I have to be very blunt with mine sometimes. He always means well, but hasn't a clue how to put his points across at times. He then wonders why people don't often confide in him. So I now tell him.

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