Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD - fellow wedding guest wants my dress!

277 replies

TheSeptemberIssue · 08/02/2016 13:14

Went on a hen do last weekend for a friends wedding. There were a few of us there, one being a woman I've met a few times before. She's lovely, we got on great etc....

I mentioned that I'd found the dress I was going to buy for the wedding, and showed it to her online. It's from a plus size website despite me being a size 14 (is that plus size??).

Got a message yesterday from this woman asking if I'd consider changing my dress choice. She is probably a size 22/24 and was saying she finds it really hard to find clothes that fit and look nice on her and she's been feeling really anxious about the wedding because of this. Turns out she's ordered the dress, it fits and she loves it. It was a very nice messaging but I'm still a bit - hmmmmmm because I love it too!

Fortunately I haven't ordered it (was waiting for payday at the end of this month) so I can change my mind but I'm not sure I want to. Just because I'm a smaller size, doesn't mean I don't have similar dress worries and anxiety about looking nice!

WWYD?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
laurierf · 08/02/2016 14:25

You said she's lovely... you got on great... she sent you a very nice message...

She knows she is being U to ask and that you will be a very kind person if you were to agree.

You're of course under no obligation to agree, but I know what I would do.

Hope you enjoy the wedding whatever you decide.

theycallmemellojello · 08/02/2016 14:27

Nah, if you are embarrassed to wear the same dress as someone else, then you have to change. I don't usually advocate passive aggression, but in this case if I wanted to wear the dress, I'd just thank her for her consideration, but say that I am was not bothered about wearing the same dress, therefore I look forward to being dress twins. Then she can decide whether she wants to wear it or not.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 08/02/2016 14:28

PMSL at the Alice & Co leprechaun outfit too. Wear that, OP! (Not really!)

Yes, she is being weird, but I would probably accept it and leave the dress, partly because I am a soft touch and partly because if you haven't tried it on yet it might not even suit you when you do. Online shopping is a PITA for that. And yy we need to see the dress!

notquitehuman · 08/02/2016 14:29

I'd wear it. Everyone struggles with their body image, and it's unfair to expect someone to change their choice. If you both wear the same dress, it'll look different on both of you. Does it come in different colours that she could try?

I'm plus sized and usually find dresses the easiest thing to buy. ASOS Curve and Simply Be have a massive amount of dresses that'd be suitable for weddings. Dorothy Perkins goes up to a 22. George goes beyond a size 24 now. There's Inspire at New Look, Lovedrobe, Yours Clothing... and those are just off the top of my head. Yes, her choice IS more limited than yours, but it's not like the old days when you'd be forced to go to Evans and choose between two nylon dresses.

backonthebikeagain · 08/02/2016 14:33

Say 'Ok, we had best not sit near each other then as I have ordered as well'! Cheeky bitch. You do not dress steal, ever.

HortonWho · 08/02/2016 14:33

How can you love a dress you haven't even tried on?! It might look crap on you, for all you know.

MontserratCaballe · 08/02/2016 14:36

When is the wedding, OP? Shops and online sites getting more summer stuff in by the day so if the wedding is after Easter, you have time to find something else you love.

I agree it is a bit cheeky, but I can see how finding a dress that you love and makes you feel fab at her size might be more of a challenge. I appreciate that we all have body ishoos, but hers might be less easy to remedy than some of ours.

I'd reply and say fine, you wear it, and just be thankful that she told you she was planning on the same dress. Otherwise, the first you might have known could have been at the ceremony....

Let us know what you decide.

Cressandra · 08/02/2016 14:37

I'm not buying the line that she has humbled herself / it must have taken a lot of courage etc. Buying it (or saying she's bought it) and THEN asking OP to change is manipulative. Surely if she were being humble about it (or even polite, if she got the idea from OP) she would have asked before buying the dress.

OP any chance she hasn't actually bought it yet, but is just pretending to manoeuvre you into getting something else?

LovelyFriend · 08/02/2016 14:37

oh please you can stop with the condescension for the "poor fat lady" wrapped up as "she really doesn't have much choice poor thing".

I'm a size 20, been a 22. If I did to anyone what this lady has done to the OP - basically stealing a well researched wedding outfit - I'd be a bloody inconsiderate cheeky selfish cow!! Yes even despite my size.

as for "how brave she is to contact you and let you know not to wear the dress cause she has it now " get over your patronising arses!!!

tkndnv · 08/02/2016 14:41

Who the fuck cares if you wear the same dress? Life's too short. She can wear it and so can you. Problem solved.

Zariyah · 08/02/2016 14:42

She's cheeky as hell but I'd let her get away with it, find another dress and be all smug about what a great person I am. Grin can we help you find another dress, OP?

PovertyPain · 08/02/2016 14:43

If the lady has self esteem issues, then I would take it as a compliment that she was so taken with your choice of dress. You could tell her that you will look for another dress , but if you don't get one that you like as much, then you will be wearing your first choice.

Heavens2Betsy · 08/02/2016 14:48

Don't be mean. Let her have the dress. At least she had the decency to run it by you first.
When I was first pregnant (looking fat and bloated but not yet blooming and glowing with it) I wore a dress to a party and my skinny size 8 friend wore the exact same dress and made me look like a whale!!! I was gutted and everyone commented on it.

KurriKurri · 08/02/2016 14:49

I don't think she sounds like a cheeky cow or a bitch - I think she sounds like a woman with confidence issues because of her weight, she told you she'd been very anxious about what to wear for that reason - she may well dread public events because of her weight problems.

You said she is lovely - so why would she suddenly not be lovely because she has tried a dress and actually for once feels good in it? - her personality hasn't changed, you showed her a dress from a plus size company and she ordered it - probably on the off chance, probably thinking 'I bet I'll look awful in this' then found to her surprise she actually feels she looks nice.

Everyone saying 'it's not your fault she's fat' - you don't know why she is overweight,there could be any number of reasons. Typical fat shaming remarks to say nasty things about this woman when you don;t even know her.

You are a size 14 - - plenty of options for you to choose from, - don;t wear the same dress as her that will be humiliating for her. Be kind (you sound like a kind person) it's only a dress - let her feel good in it, I'm sure you will look fab in a different dress Smile

LagunaBubbles · 08/02/2016 14:53

Presumably you will look better than her if she is much larger

What a horrible thing to say.

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 08/02/2016 14:54

It wouldn't bother me if someone did this as I'd not actually ordered the dress yet and I might even just get it anyway if I really liked it.

You sound lovely letting her 'have' the dress. I hope you find something you equally love to wear.

There are however some bitchy people on here talking about how you would look better automatically. It's those type of people that probably make her feel like she needs the 'right' dress to feel nice in the first place. I bet they definitely wouldn't look as good as a larger lady in any outfit themselves given their ugly personalities would shine through

littleleftie · 08/02/2016 14:54

No way would I go out and buy a dress that someone else had already told me they were wearing to a wedding I was attending.

It's dreadfully rude and selfish behaviour.

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 08/02/2016 14:54

I was in a similar position years ago. I'd been shopping in Monsoon's Covent Garden store where they sold samples at fantastic prices. I bought a sample that had never gone into production, it looked absolutely fantastic on me, and only two samples had ever been produced, in size 8 and size 20, I think - other end of the size range anyway. It was perfect for my friend's wedding.

I went to the hen night and we were talking about outfits when one of the other girls mentioned that she'd bought a gorgeous sample, it was a one-off so finally she was going to get to wear a fantastic dress without worrying that someone slimmer was going to wear the same dress... It became very obvious that by some massive coincidence she had bought my dress's larger twin Sad.

I couldn't do it, I bought another dress for the wedding. I knew if I'd worn that dress, she would have been so upset. But I have worn and loved that dress many times at other occasions in the years since! If the dress is that great on you, you'll find another opportunity to wear it, and as a PP says, you may find a more perfect one in the new season stuff coming out now. You'll also enjoy the wedding more - I wouldn't have enjoyed my friend's wedding knowing my choice of dress had made someone else miserable, and you will have the added pleasure of knowing that your generosity of spirit actually made someone happy.

shebird · 08/02/2016 14:54

I think it's quite rude to knowingly buy the same dress. If she really liked the idea of this dress could she have found something in a similar style but not the exact same dress. In the case the OP has done all the legwork finding something she likes and then someone else just says I'll have that thank you. Shock

diddl · 08/02/2016 14:55

She sounds confident enough to me-orders a dress that she knows someone else intends to order, & then asks that person to find something else!

Good job OP hadn't ordered in the meantime!

And if so, does the larger size have priority because it's harder for her to find stuff?Hmm

KurriKurri · 08/02/2016 14:56

Lovelyfriend - it's not patronising to try to understand how people are feeling - especially if they open up to you and say they are anxious. It doesn't matter what size you are -it's all about your self image and self confidence and how you feel. This lady has said how she feels.

And its not 'poor fat lady' either. it's anyone with body image problems. I have weighed less than six stone in my time and still though myself too fat to go out in public.

Body image isn't necessarily based on reality it's based on what is going on in your head. You might at size 22 have felt confident and felt you had plenty of choice of clothes. This lady seems to think she looks awful in everything she tries. Maybe she does maybe she doesn't - but she thinks she does and that's at the root of the problem

Ginslinger · 08/02/2016 14:57

I can't believe some of the replies here - I'd let her have it without a second thought. I might still buy the dress for another occasion but I'd find something else for the wedding. I think that's a really brave message - not cheeky.

AnnPerkins · 08/02/2016 14:58

I don't think she's cheeky either. I have a friend who agonises for months about what to wear to big events like weddings. It completely spoils her enjoyment of the day and it's such a shame. If this woman is anything like her I would be happy to have helped her out.

And you can still wear the dress if you want, and you don't mind someone else wearing the same.

She's given you the choice to not be wearing the same dress, if you don't want to. She didn't have to do that, she could have just turned up in it on the day.

Bunbaker · 08/02/2016 14:59

"How selfish, entitled and obnoxious of her."

No it isn't. It really isn't. That's a rather unpleasant thing to say. What is your beef? Asking first was a thoughtful thing to do.

"Buying it (or saying she's bought it) and THEN asking OP to change is manipulative"

Sorry, I don't agree.

I will ask again of those of you who think the other woman was being rude. What is the problem with someone else wearing the same outfit as you?

I make no apology for shouting, but no-one has bothered to answer and posters are just going on and on about how horrible this, rather nice sounding, other woman is.

Quite frankly I don't give a shit about what other people wear.

Chippednailvarnish · 08/02/2016 15:00

Show us the dress then!