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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD - fellow wedding guest wants my dress!

277 replies

TheSeptemberIssue · 08/02/2016 13:14

Went on a hen do last weekend for a friends wedding. There were a few of us there, one being a woman I've met a few times before. She's lovely, we got on great etc....

I mentioned that I'd found the dress I was going to buy for the wedding, and showed it to her online. It's from a plus size website despite me being a size 14 (is that plus size??).

Got a message yesterday from this woman asking if I'd consider changing my dress choice. She is probably a size 22/24 and was saying she finds it really hard to find clothes that fit and look nice on her and she's been feeling really anxious about the wedding because of this. Turns out she's ordered the dress, it fits and she loves it. It was a very nice messaging but I'm still a bit - hmmmmmm because I love it too!

Fortunately I haven't ordered it (was waiting for payday at the end of this month) so I can change my mind but I'm not sure I want to. Just because I'm a smaller size, doesn't mean I don't have similar dress worries and anxiety about looking nice!

WWYD?

OP posts:
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5
wigglesrock · 08/02/2016 13:57

Personally I think she's being a bit of a chancer. It really depends how much you like the dress - I'm not really sure why she or anyone else would assume you have the time, inclination or money to look for another dress. I'll be honest I'd probably order and keep the dress if I liked it on, if she wants to hold on to her one, you could let her know if you're not keeping yours. But I wouldn't be putting myself out to get a different dress and usually I'm a bit of a soft touch.

Bunbaker · 08/02/2016 14:00

"Forgive me for sounding thick but, why can't you both wear the same dress? She's not the bride is she?"

I agree. I simply don't understand the posters who think the other woman was being a cheeky cow or rude. Why? Just why?

Hasn't anyone heard the expression "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"? If someone admired my dress choice and was polite enough to go to the trouble of messaging me to ask if I minded them wearing the same dress I wouldn't mind at all (especially if she was several dress sizes larger than me). I might change my mind about what I was wearing, but I wouldn't think she was being cheeky in the slightest

I simply do not understand this angst over seeing someone else in the same outfitas me. I would go over to them and congratulate them on their excellent dress sense.

LovelyFriend · 08/02/2016 14:00

or say "oh I thought only the bridesmaids were supposed to wear matching dresses at a wedding?"

Keeptrudging · 08/02/2016 14:01

I think she's been really honest emailing you like this. She's probably had a hard time knowing what to wear and ordered it on the off - chance. I think she is emailing because she knows it's the wrong thing to do, but is hoping you'll understand. You've not even bought the dress yet, I would be nice about it and let her wear it with no resentments. If you're going to feel cross/be glaring at her all day, I would be honest about it to her. Two guests wore the same dress to my wedding, one thought it was funny, the other was gutted. My friend also didn't help by making me stand in the middle & calling them my 'other bridesmaids' Grin!

Klaptrap · 08/02/2016 14:01

If you haven't even tried the dress on yet, then I think YWBU to make her send it back now. If you've only seen a picture of it online you may well not like it on (as often happens with online purchases).

I think she was cheeky to order it, after you had shown it to her, but it's done now.

If you'd already bought it and tried it on (or tried it on in the shop and waiting for payday to buy it online) I would have come down on your side.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 08/02/2016 14:02

Does she know you haven't ordered it yet? If jot, then she's been really cheeky!

Can you send us a link to the type of dress you like/want and no doubt between us all, we can find a bargain!!

WeAreEternal · 08/02/2016 14:03

I must be an utter bitch then because I would tell her "sorry I have already bought it and will be wearing it."

I have been that size and I have been a size 10, It doesn't matter what size you are everyone has body worries.
There are enough sites on the web now for plus size women, she will be able to find something else, why should you have to.

Bunbaker · 08/02/2016 14:06

"one thought it was funny, the other was gutted"

I would be the one finding it funny.

But please tell me why wearing the same outfit as someone else causes such an issue for most of you. People don't own copyrights to outfits you know.

WanderingNotLost · 08/02/2016 14:07

I'd say no to her simply because I wouldn't want to reward such entitled behaviour! I'm a size 8 but I struggle to find dresses that look nice because of my disproportionately big boobs- it's not just a big girls' problem!

expatinscotland · 08/02/2016 14:08

She's incredibly cheeky, but I'd order another dress.

deregistered · 08/02/2016 14:08

There are some slightly unpleasant comments on here.

Yes it's galling for OP, but the other woman was honest and apologetic and I can only imagine how hard it is to find something you love in a large size.

I'd probably grit my teeth and say yes sure go for it. As a size 14, you can get something from a hundred different places.

deregistered · 08/02/2016 14:09

I wouldn't give a shit if someone wore the same dress as me, Bunbaker, I agree it's a bit odd to get upset about it!

TheSkiingGardener · 08/02/2016 14:11

Just had a look at that Alice&Co website and am weeping. You too can look like this

momb · 08/02/2016 14:12

You don't even know if it looks nice on you yet as you haven't ordered it.

You've said that this woman is lovely and you got on really well.

It seems highly likely that you could find another suitable dress
elsewhere. She clearly has issues, as well as being a bit cheeky.

I'd let her have it (and demand she gets the first round in at the pay bar!)

LadyPriggsbottom · 08/02/2016 14:13

Grin Keeptrudging!

ZenNudist · 08/02/2016 14:13

Have you got time to be looking for another dress OP? Finding the right thing to a wedding is a major chore. Having to do it twice would annoy me.

Also you don't say if you made it clear that you haven't bought it yet.

I think it's fair game to buy same things as your friends but you either have to both be ok with wearing the same thing (not cool at a wedding), or wear it when you aren't together.

Do you ever feel like a bit of a doormat? I think she's taking advantage of your good nature. Some people are just really selfish.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 08/02/2016 14:13

I think she is being very cheeky, but as you haven't even ordered your dress yet, I'd choose something else.

How very depressing to learn that a woman wearing a 22/24 cannot possibly look as good in a dress as a woman wearing a 14 Confused.

I am all hips & stomach, much smaller on the top than round the bottom/middle. I'm sure a larger woman with curves more in proportion (i.e. boobs) could look better than me in most things!

Cutecat78 · 08/02/2016 14:14

theskiiinggardener

Grin Am also weeping .....

Cressandra · 08/02/2016 14:18

I think I'd be inclined to say no worries, we can both wear it, I don't mind.

Partly because I wouldn't mind being seen in a similar dress, especially as they're different sizes so you won't look like twins, but also because I don't like to let people like that "win".

Unless she had already bought the dress before you showed it to her, in which case she is not "people like that".

whois · 08/02/2016 14:19

It will look comply different on you both, so I'd probably get it anyway.

LeaLeander · 08/02/2016 14:21

How selfish, entitled and obnoxious of her. Playing the "woe is me, I'm fat" card (as if we don't know what causes it) to inconvenience you when you had your outfit all selected and the mental energy of shopping/buying was behind you.

I'd wear the dress I intended and no doubt you would look far better than she in it.

whois · 08/02/2016 14:21

I'd laugh about it, and have a photo taken with my matchy matchy new friend :-)

TeaPleaseLouise · 08/02/2016 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CauliflowerBalti · 08/02/2016 14:24

YANBU. I'd be pissed off too. But I also would let her wear the dress. It is more difficult to find clothes you feel confident in when you're plus sized. And while that certainly isn't your fault, it must have taken her a lot of guts to send the message that she did.

I'd be annoyed though. I hate dress shopping, especially formal occasion wear. FFS.

ladymariner · 08/02/2016 14:25

I don't think I could actually make myself unkind enough to make a big deal of it like that. There are thousands of dresses available in the world - why be so mean to another person like that?!

Honestly, I couldn't even think it "cheeky" - she really humbled herself to ask this favour, why on earth would anyone want to grind her face in her difficulty any more?

^^ this

There are some really mean replies on here today. Must've taken a lot of courage for her to admit how she was feeling to you, and whilst I agree it's quite annoying when this sort of thing happens, it's really not worth getting so cruel and unkind about.

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