More of a WWYD - fellow wedding guest wants my dress!

[TheSeptemberIssue]

Went on a hen do last weekend for a friends wedding. There were a few of us there, one being a woman I've met a few times before. She's lovely, we got on great etc....

I mentioned that I'd found the dress I was going to buy for the wedding, and showed it to her online. It's from a plus size website despite me being a size 14 (is that plus size??).

Got a message yesterday from this woman asking if I'd consider changing my dress choice. She is probably a size 22/24 and was saying she finds it really hard to find clothes that fit and look nice on her and she's been feeling really anxious about the wedding because of this. Turns out she's ordered the dress, it fits and she loves it. It was a very nice messaging but I'm still a bit - hmmmmmm because I love it too!

Fortunately I haven't ordered it (was waiting for payday at the end of this month) so I can change my mind but I'm not sure I want to. Just because I'm a smaller size, doesn't mean I don't have similar dress worries and anxiety about looking nice!

WWYD?

"She's given you the choice to not be wearing the same dress, if you don't want to. She didn't have to do that, she could have just turned up in it on the day."

Or she could just not have bought what she knew someone else was intending to buy.

So, OP hasn't really got a choice, has she?

I think I'd be the bigger person and tell her it's fine.
But I'd never show anyone else, particularly her, anything else I intended to buy. At least until I bought it.

"Don't be mean. Let her have the dress. At least she had the decency to run it by you first."

But that's the point. She didn't run it by OP first. She ordered it first, then told the OP and asked her to change her own dress.

That's very different from "OP I'm really struggling finding something. Are you really set on that dress or is there any chance you'd consider changing to something else? I know it's cheeky but I'm finding it very difficult finding something I'll feel comfortable in."

Totally different kettle of fish then.

OP I'd probably change and just huff and puff and mutter grumpily about it in private.

Wow! There are some easily offended people on here.

Bunbaker for me it's the fact that she messaged the OP asking her if I'd consider changing my dress choice.

So not only has she nicked the dress she knew OP was getting, it seems that she doesn't really want the OP wearing the same thing as her.

I still wouldn't be concerned. I guess it just isn't a big deal for me.

It isn't for me either, which is why I said if it were me I'd still go ahead and buy and wear the dress. However if anyone pointed out to me or passed comment that we were wearing the same dress I'd tell them how that came about.

But if you went ahead and wore the dress, at least you'd still tell this woman you were going to do it?

I will ask again of those of you who think the other woman was being rude. What is the problem with someone else wearing the same outfit as you?

But the OP was not asked if it was ok for this woman to wear the same outfit she was asked to consider finding something else.

Got a message yesterday from this woman asking if I'd consider changing my dress choice.

Not saying "Got a message yesterday saying she was going to wear the same dress" or the other person could have just gone to the wedding in the same dress and not let OP know.

So this woman clearly does not really want OP to wear the same outfit as her and has asked OP to change which IMHO is cheeky.

I had a friend turn up to my fortieth birthday party wearing the same dress I had on. The doorman told her and she turned round went home and changed I bought her a bottle of champagne as a thank you when I found out. I would find something else to wear but I think she's been very cheeky and I would not want to pursue a friendship with her.

I wouldn't have the slightest issue with someone wearing the same outfit to a wedding, but - regardless of the other woman's body size or anxiety - I think that asking someone not to buy a special occasion dress they've already selected and shown you is pretty entitled, rather than 'brave'.

Sending an email in an effort to 'reserve' a dress someone else has already chosen for an occasion isn't the behaviour of an anxious, timorous person. Or, if it is, it's the action of an anxious person who thinks that her anxiety and difficulty in choosing a dress can legitimately be made someone else's business. It might be different if the two were close friends, but they've only met a few times, and though they get on, it's not a friendship where the other person has any reasonable grounds for asking the OP not to do something.

I'm the same size as the other lady and have the same problems/issues finding formal wear.

That said, she is a bit cheeky to buy it first without double checking with you that you were definitely wearing it.

But, you sound like a lovely kind-hearted soul so I would buy something else and as a PP said, get her to buy the first round and feel proud of yourself for doing a good deed.

Seriously who would do that ! Not your fault she's heavier than you and it's not an excuse to basically steal your dress! Id reply and say sorry I've ordered it now- but I'd actually go ahead and get another dress anyway. So rude

Honestly I wouldn't have a clue what to reply. I'd have to spend some time trying to work out her motives before I did that.

If you know her well and she is generally a nice person then that's more encouraging however asking someone ELSE to change their choice because she feels she can't pissbly find another dress in the whole world, when it was their idea to get that dress, seems like one of those strange compulsions we all sometimes get around a thing we're not sure how to handle.

It reminds me a lot of the baby name thing. It is ALWAYS the name your best friend, or sister, or hairdresser likes best, that you get obsessed with.

I think it's the same thing, like you told her your baby name and suddenly she can't possibly have anything else.

It's false and you don't have to let it bother you. Also maybe she is pissed off that you bought something from a website more suitable for her - as it's true that you have more choice than she will. HOWEVER

I think I would probably reply, 'Oh cool, I bet it really suits you. Don't worry about us matching, I don't mind at all - maybe we can wear different accessories etc! Looking forward to seeing you there'

That way you're making out that she was thinking of you when she suggested changing your choice, and she can hardly come back with 'actually I don't want you to look the same as me'.

Also it makes it a stand off and she might well back down if she senses you arent going to change your mind. It might seem less 'special' after all.

She can wear it to some other wedding anyway if she likes it so much.

You may lose a friend though if you do it this way.

No way would I change.
I'd reply that it's so lovely you'll both be wearing the same dress.
No way would she wear it if your a size 14 and she's a 22
Some people are just so self centred.

1. Yes, unfortunately 14 is considered plus size. Anything over a 12 is, in the British high street fashion industry.
2. Wear what you want. Neither of you 'own' the right to wear the dress- clearly, many women are going to buy the same dress and wear it, it's just unfortunate that you two will potentially be in the same location when you do!
3. See if you can find something more fabulous, and if you can't, then you've already found your 'back up dress'. Good work!

This woman is not, however nicely she's phrased it, asking OP for permission to wear the dress.

She is going to wear it anyway, and she has warned OP of this in the hope that OP will wear something else.

It's entirely up to OP whether she wears the dress knowing this other woman'll be in one too - or not.

I would disagree with the OP's assessment of this woman as 'lovely'. Her behaviour sounds pretty manipulative to me. I'd try to pleasantly avoid her in future.

OP are you still around? I've just read your original post again and wondering if she actually had it ordered first and didn't say at the hen do?

Sound like she may have done. Is that a possibility?

Personally, I think she has shown you her true colours by behaving like this.

She's very self-centred, and it's always good to know this about people so you can avoid them.

You are basically asking whether you should be kind, or whether you should think of your own happiness first .

This really breaks down into two pieces- what dress you wear and whether you continue having a relationship with her.

So I think you can both be kind and put your own happiness first.

Be kind, cede the dress gracefully. But, put your own happiness first don't get any more involved with this woman.

So if it was me, if she talked to me at the wedding, or ever after more, it would be a polite "oh hello" and "excuse me I must get a drink/go to the loo/find my husband/speak to that lady".

And I might also forget to reply to her message about the dress...or send something vague like "I bet it will really suit you etc" as previously suggested so she doesn't know whether or not you will be wearing it on the day...after all, you have been burned before by sharing information with this person.

I would be a bit mortified if I went to an event such as a wedding and someone else was wearing the same outfit - call me shallow but I would.

What this women has done is really not very nice at all IMO regardless of size - you just don't do things like this in RL?!

Really manipulative - and mean.

She is really cheeky imo