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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn't want anymore kids

111 replies

MUNCHKINA86 · 08/02/2016 09:38

Hi I just wanted some advice and opinions from people I don't know on this subject.

My boyfriend of 2 years has just decided to tell me he doesn't want any more children. He has a son from a previous relationship who is 5. At the start I made it clear I wanted children and he said he couldn't wait to start a family. I just have no idea what to do. I have looked at this from a different perspective and there is a part of me that feels I was in love with the idea of having a baby , not raising a child. He told me if I couldn't accept his decision we need to break up. I love him so much after 10 years of being unlucky in love I feel like I've found the perfect man for me. I decided I would accept this as I didn't want to lose him. We have his son stay on a weekend and I've said I just need some time away from that to come to terms with how my life will be. He is being completely selfish over this and has told me if I can't deal with his son then we need to split up. I just feel everything is on his terms with no consideration to my feelings. He has told me he doesn't want kids but expects me to look after his son on a weekend. Am I being unreasonable to think that if I have to accept his decision on kids and he wants me to live a childless life then why should I be forced to play an active part in his child's life who he has with another woman.

Please help

OP posts:

Original poster

MUNCHKINA86 · 08/02/2016 09:40

I do get on with his son and I haven't said I would never see him I just need time to adjust to raising his son and never having my own.

OP posts:

Katenka · 08/02/2016 09:42

I am very sorry he has changed his mind.

But he is entitled to do that. It doesn't make it easier for you though.

I do think Yabu to want to stop his son coming while you come to terms with though. It's not his sons fault.

I really think you need to consider wether you can accept not having children. Are you sure you won't start becoming resentful of him and his son.

I think I would.

ApocalypseNowt · 08/02/2016 09:44

Ok i see you're giving some thought to his statement that he doesn't want any more dc. That's fine and seems sensible. He is within his rights to decide he doesn't want anymore and, although upsetting, it's best you find out now 2 years down the line rather than much later.

What really concerns me is him not allowing you time to think and process this. There's a lot of 'threats' coming from him i.e. fall in line or you're out. I think you'd be well off out of this one OP. His behaviour doesn't bode well for the future (with or without dc).

How old are you and your dp?

thecatfromjapan · 08/02/2016 09:47

He says he doesn't want children with you.
You say you don't want his son in your relationship.
You think you like the idea of a baby but not parenting.

It's all a bit negative, confused and angry at the moment, isn't it?

Why did this come up now, after two years? Has something happened? Have you just moved in together? Have you been involved with his son previous to this?

LaurieFairyCake · 08/02/2016 09:47

I don't think he wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him

You don't have to be around much at the weekends he has his son. In fact if you're off doing some other things you can soon work out if he just wants you around to do his work for him

budgiegirl · 08/02/2016 09:47

How very difficult for you. It must be so hard to decide between your relationship and having children. I really sympathise.

However, I'm not sure he is being selfish. If you mean that you need to go out and be on your own when his son visits while you come to terms with this , then YANBU. If you mean that his son can't visit at all for the foreseeable future, then YABU.

Oysterbabe · 08/02/2016 09:47

You need to leave him. Sorry.
If you want kids you'll face a lifetime of regret and resentment if you stay in this relationship and don't have them.

ApocalypseNowt · 08/02/2016 09:48

Sorry i misread. Do your dp and you live together and his ds comes to visit?

If so you really can't stop that but i think you going away while he does visit to get some head space is fine.

PuntasticUsername · 08/02/2016 09:48

HINBU to have decided he's happy with the number of children he has, and to be straight with you about it. HI also NBU to want you and his son to know each other and get on - clearly, you're both a very important part of his life; HIBU if he is expecting you to care for his child on his behalf (is he? I'm not clear, from your post).

YWNBU to decide that having your own children is so important to you that you don't want to continue in this relationship, on this basis.

I agree with pp that he seems to be putting you under pressure to put your feelings aside and "just get on with things" - do you think there's any possibility he has tired of your relationship, and is trying to engineer a backup?

PuntasticUsername · 08/02/2016 09:50

Backup? No. Breakup. Sorry.

DontOpenDeadInside · 08/02/2016 09:50

Do you think he wants an excuse to get out of the relationship? Are things good normally? For me it'd be a deal breaker as I really wanted kids. If you are absolutely honest with yourself, can you imagine never having a child/ren. It's like its all on his terms, your feelings don't matter. I'd have a really good think about it. If you were to say," ok I want to break up then" do you think he'd fight for you, or say ok, bye? If the latter then he's not worth it, as he obviously doesn't care about you.

Wishing you strength for the future.

silversparrow · 08/02/2016 09:50

Oh dear, what a tricky situation. I really feel for you. I understand your reasoning ie why should you have to play mother to another woman's child when he won't allow you one of your own... YANBU to feel this way. However, YABU to ask him not to stick to his contact arrangement with his son. The boy needs his dad. Part of being with someone who has a child is accepting that child will always come before you. If you can't accept that you need to find someone else.

How old is his son? Do you get on with him? Why does your partner not want more children?

Couples therapy might help to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want more kids. I wonder if he will reconsider?

In your situation I would probably leave and find someone who did want kids. Having my own babies was too important.

If you have a strong desire to be a mother you will always resent your partner for denying you that.

If you decide to stay, do of the child too. He's just a little boy, it's not his fault his dad's refusing to have another baby. He needs to see his dad regularly and will suffer if you come between them.

Sallyingforth · 08/02/2016 09:53

If you really want a baby then you must be with someone who wants the same.
But babies grow up. If you don't want to raise one to adulthood then you shouldn't have it.
You do sound confused.

BlueJug · 08/02/2016 09:55

How old you are is a factor in this.

He is right to be honest - he is not being selfish in not wanting more kids.

He must see though how that is for you and is very wrong not to understand that.

I have two good friends who are stepmothers and never had the chance to have their own kids, (in one case it was age - met DH later in life, in the other it was infertility and no money/access to IVF). Both treat the stepkids, (now all teens/ adults) as their own. Both very happy - yet there is a sadness that they didn't have the experience of their own baby.

If you want children and you are young enough to start again that might be the best option for you.

I just think about what would happen if in ten years maybe when you are past child-bearing age DP goes off with another woman, takes your stepson, has a new baby with his new partner and you are left with nothing. (This happened to a friend of mine)

OzzieFem · 08/02/2016 09:56

He wants to break up with you, he just doesn't have the guts to come right out and say it directly, so has chosen these hints.

He told me if I couldn't accept his decision we need to break up
has told me if I can't deal with his son then we need to split up

He knows you wanted children, you requested a break from his son and those were his responses. I'm so sorry MUNCHKINA86 but you need to face the facts, and if you find out you really do want to have children, then you need a different man.

outputgap · 08/02/2016 09:56

While he is, of course, entitled to change his mind, he sounds almost cruel in his disregard for the enormity of what he's asking for.

I'm guessing from your name that you are 30. And I'm not completely convinced that you're content to live a childless life. Your boyfriend seems to be giving you a quite negative message. In your shoes I'd be walking out the door. If he can't even be considerate and isn't signed up to your life goals, sod him. You have plenty of time to find someone decent and have a baby.

And I don't think it's odd BTW to focus on the baby rather than the 10 year old that it will one day turn into! I don't know anything about 10 year olds, and can't really imagine myself, my home and my circumstances in 10 years time. Whereas it's much easier to picture a baby in your current or near life.

Original poster

MUNCHKINA86 · 08/02/2016 09:57

Thanks everyone ! I have a really good relationship with his son in fact I do more for him than his dad does is cooks his tea, makes sure he is occupied. I have been actively involved since the start and I was the one who put him to bed etc etc. I'm 29 my partner is 25. I know he feels he has no freedom and he doesn't want anymore responsibility so he can have nice things , nice hols etc etc . I understand that but I don't understand how he can drop a life changing decision on to me which I've made then expect me to just play happy families. I have never and would never ask him to not see his son. All I've said is when he is at ours I will go out (not all day ) but just to give myself some time away from it. I just can't see how I can be expected to play step mom and be perfectly fine with it when everything has come out of the blue so suddenly. I feel he is being selfish and everything seems to have to be on his terms. I too thought he was just trying to get out of our relationship as we have only been living together for 6 months. However he assures me he doesn't want anyone else and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 08/02/2016 09:58

He seems a bit lacking in empathy about this. Do you think this is his way of driving you away? I mean it may well be true, but he does need to give you time to come to terms with it and not rush the issue.

DontOpenDeadInside · 08/02/2016 10:00

Would you have the nerve to call his bluff? But understanding he might not fight for you?

mintoil · 08/02/2016 10:03

He is of course perfectly entitled to change his mind but in your shoes I would leave him to it.

You have only lived with him for 6 months - did he move into your place? It sounds like you are doing all the parenting with DSS anyway. It all seems to be his way or the highway.

You are young. This man is not perfect. Please don't waste time hanging around for him to change his mind. I bet if you actually said you were leaving, he would come up with some guff about "maybe he might rethink his decision in a few years" or any old shite to keep you on a string.

If you stay you will end up resentful and angry.

ovenchips · 08/02/2016 10:05

Sorry to hear he's changed his mind about not wanting more children. That's very hard in any couple when one feels like that and the other feels the opposite.

As for the rest of your post - can you clarify if this is correct: You live with your boyfriend. He has a son who stays with you every weekend. Now that your boyfriend has said no to more children, you have said you don't want his son staying with you.

Is that right? It's unclear (to me) the details of having his son staying with you in light of this relevation.

acasualobserver · 08/02/2016 10:05

If your needs and desires are no longer compatible then it's time to read the writing on the wall.

wannaBe · 08/02/2016 10:06

Actually, I think he is being entirely honest and fair. In many situations a partner says that they don't want kids but want the GF to stick around, or that they will think about it, or that something will/might change, giving the woman a glimmer of hope that maybe things will change in the future, until such times as she realises she's too old and it's too late.

This bloke has said he definitively doesn't want any more children, and that the op needs to accept that or they need to split up. You don't get much more honest than that. At least he isn't playing games or leading the op to believe there is hope - there isn't.

The op is entirely unreasonable to say that the bf's child can't visit while she thinks things over. this isn't about the existing child, these issues are her's to deal with. If she needs to be away from the bf's child to think things over then she should leave while she decides what she wants to do, not make the child pay the price for her hurt and upset.

AppleSetsSail · 08/02/2016 10:09

That's pretty tough, OP.

He became a father at a very young age and he's just regaining his freedom a bit (5 is a great age for this reason) and I can kind of appreciate where he's coming from. I think you need to walk away - he might change his mind, he might not but at least you'll know.

TeaT1me · 08/02/2016 10:10

It may be the relationship has run its course.

He's only 25, already with a child since 20. I can't imagine having a child at 20 (I know lots do, but 30+ was more the norm in my circles at the time). He may well want some time to grow up and do the things you can do when you don't have a child full time. That's OK.

You're 29 though and looking for different things, you want a family and from the outside it just looks like you're with the wrong person for that.

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