My boyfriend doesn't want anymore kids

[MUNCHKINA86]

Hi I just wanted some advice and opinions from people I don't know on this subject.

My boyfriend of 2 years has just decided to tell me he doesn't want any more children. He has a son from a previous relationship who is 5. At the start I made it clear I wanted children and he said he couldn't wait to start a family. I just have no idea what to do. I have looked at this from a different perspective and there is a part of me that feels I was in love with the idea of having a baby , not raising a child. He told me if I couldn't accept his decision we need to break up. I love him so much after 10 years of being unlucky in love I feel like I've found the perfect man for me. I decided I would accept this as I didn't want to lose him. We have his son stay on a weekend and I've said I just need some time away from that to come to terms with how my life will be. He is being completely selfish over this and has told me if I can't deal with his son then we need to split up. I just feel everything is on his terms with no consideration to my feelings. He has told me he doesn't want kids but expects me to look after his son on a weekend. Am I being unreasonable to think that if I have to accept his decision on kids and he wants me to live a childless life then why should I be forced to play an active part in his child's life who he has with another woman.

Please help

It's so easy to say as an outsider, but I think this would be a deal breaker for me. If you have any inkling that you would like a child/children one day, then you will always resent him for not going along with it. It would be different if you were disagreeing on 'how many' children to have, but some as opposed to none is a massive deal! If this is how he genuinely feels, I wouldn't even bother trying to talk him round, as he will then resent you! Sorry for your situation.

OP your only 2 years in and he's already bought a lot of issues and problems to the relationship it doesn't sound good.I can understand you wanting to hang onto the relationship if you were many years in or had children together but you don't so honestly I would walk away from this relationship now whilst your still young and can go onto find someone that's not selfish,doesn't have lots of bagage,is mature and wants to have children with you.

You've already said that he's suggested breaking up twice in answer to him dropping it on you that he doesn't want any more children and then again when you said you'd like a small amount of time on your own.Honestly this is him telling you that he wants out but he wants you to end the relationship so he doesn't look like the bad guy when it's all over.

The fact that you do more for his child than he does is a bad sign as well.He honestly sounds like he has a babysitter on tap.
I don't mean to sound harsh OP but honestly I'd get out now before another 5,10 years of your life is gone and you've not got anything that was important for you out of the life you have with him.

Op, you know what they decision is already, for me, however much I loved the man, this would be a massive dealbreaker. Obviously he is not the man for you, as you want a family, he does not. This will end up consuming you. He is actually very sensible, by suggesting the split. His ds comes first obviously.

A bit unorthodox, but what if you had a baby by yourself with a donor and continued this relationship? Is he just against the idea of having another child himself or a child in the house at all?

He is seriously saying he would end the relationship if you just want a few hours to yourself when his son comes at the weekend? That really is utterly selfish, particularly in light of the fact that he doesn't want to spend time with his son himself.

The reality is that, if you stay with him, unless he is prepared to grow up in a big way that is going to be your life - him going off to do his own thing while you're expected to facilitate it.

I think as a minimum you need to call his bluff on this. Point out to him that he knows perfectly well that the issue is not whether you can deal with his son as you have demonstrated time and again that you are perfectly well able to deal with him and happy to do so. The issue is whether he is prepared to accept that you need time to yourself at weekends for the next few weeks and whether he loves you enough to let that happen. Tell him also that, in the longer term, he needs to be there for his son and there is no point in him having contact if he just buggers off and pursues his own activities. Tell him that, if he isn't prepared to do this, you certainly will be splitting up and he will have no choice but to look after his son at least till he can find another mug to do it for him. And, for goodness sake, be 100% prepared to follow through on that.

Is he prepared to get a vasectomy to prevent having any more children?
Or does he think the burden of preventing pregnancy/taking contraception lies with you?

Have you discussed what would happen if you did fall pregnant? Contraception failures do happen.

I think you would be happier in the long term if you end this relationship and move on. you are still young enough to find a new partner and have a family of your own.

Whilst I admire his honesty I think it is unfair of him to expect you to do all of the parenting of his own child and not be allowed one of your own.

No man is worth giving up children for,
He sounds like a bit of a dick anyway.

So he and the mother of his child hate each other (so presumably that's all been a bit fraught) and his parents' relationship didn't work out.

I wonder if somewhere in his mind he thinks that this is what happens when you have kids, that everything ends up fucked up?

As far as the whole having a baby vs. actual parenting goes, it sounds like you're parenting his son when he's with you. Is that not giving you some idea of how you'd find it, whether you'd enjoy it?

He sounds very immature, OP. He hates his job, he hates his ex, he doesn't look after his existing ds without massive input from you, he wants "freedom" because he's still young, he has family problems.

Where do you fit into all this angst? If you're not careful, you'll end up as nanny to his child and counsellor to him.

You are young - don't tie yourself down to this set-up without a lot of thinking. Oh, and be aware that the minute he thinks he's losing his live-in nanny/counsellor, he'll suddenly be very attentive. He may even agree to a child with you. Don't be fooled - he is already showing you what kind of father he will be.

there doesn't be much thought for your feelings at all...

I think firstly how important are children to you..

I suspect he never wanted more children... How come he has told you now? were you talking about when?

I also think that he is actually quite manipulative if you don't do things my way... then leave...

My feelings are after reading all your post is that your boyfriend doesn't even want the child he has and that's why you are looking after his son.

Either start going out for the day or just stepping back and let his dad deal with him.

Your boyfriend needs to step up and start looking his child, for all his needs.

You are facing all the grief process that someone would have when they find they are infertile. You would normally have someone to share this process with and come to terms with it together.

Only you are on your own and he will not give you the time of day or space to deal with it on your own. He is only thinking of his own convenience, especially where parenting his 5 yr old is concerned.

At 25, with his emotional problems, unless he puts a vasectomy where his mouth is, he has plenty of time to change his mind and have more at 45, an probably will do, when it is too late for you. Or when he has dumped you for someone else.

Sorry, another vote for walking away! He's only 25, had responsibility early and now it's come down to it, is being honest about not wanting to take on anymore. He may change his mind (my husband did) but by hanging on you're taking the risk that he won't and to be frank, if you do want kids at heart then conception as you get past your mid thirties does become harder (although not impossible). I can understand that you don't want to play happy families at the moment, however his son is a central part of his life and if you absent yourself when his son is around then that wedge between you is only going to get wider. Have to agree with the posters above who've picked up that he does seem to be giving you opportunities to go which isn't the sign of someone who really does want to be with them for ever and a day, however much you may hate to hear that. You're only 30, don't accept a life which you at heart you don't want to live.

I'd definitely leave him, sooner rather than later so you have time to meet another man and have kids. I know so many women who in similar situation thought the man would be enough, got to last chance saloon age wise re. having kids and then suddenly left the man and started their desperate hunt for someone to have kids with... I dont think your desire to have kids will change. You will meet other men but wont get another chance to have kids if you stay with him and play mummy to his son but dont get the chance to have one of your own.

Sorry to be blunt, but he doesn't see you as an equal. He sees you as free childcare. He won't allow you to go out at weekends because he would then have to step up and parent his own child.

He has at least laid his cards out fairly early. You have time to make your own decisions. But don't waste your years hoping he will change his mind- why would he bother?

I left a man at 33 because he didn't want kids. He kept me dangling for years. (Maybe next year). I knew I wanted them. It led to friction as every time a friend or family member announced a pregnancy or birth I was resentful and he was defensive.

I had two children with someone else - later than I would have wanted - but I have never regretted doing this. So happy to have become a mother even though it is not easy all the time, (obvs).

My ex married and did not have children. I knew his wife through work and she cannot have children anyway. He is happy playing golf every day, driving his expensive but dull car and spending time in the pub or on hobbies. (Football, rugby, cricket, golf..) He has not changed an iota since I first met him 30 years ago. He is so happy! What an escape for me though!

You should get some confidence, believe you can meet someone who really cares about you and get out while you still have time and fertile years left! I met my husband when I was 31, I have two kids now.

Leave. He's not right for you.

"after 10 years of being unlucky in love I feel like I've found the perfect man for me."
I actually wonder if this is what's really stopping you from seeing this man's actions in the cold light of day. He's been better than all the rest so far; that doesn't make him perfect. And as I read here yesterday, the next best thing to a good relationship is not a crap relationship; it's being single. A relationship with the threat of 'we'll split if you don't do as I tell you' is a crap relationship.

"He told me if I couldn't accept his decision we need to break up."
"I decided I would accept this as I didn't want to lose him."
A relationship with the threat of 'we'll split if you don't do as I tell you' is a crap relationship.

"has told me if I can't deal with his son then we need to split up."
Well his first threat to split up worked, so why not use it again? (And again, and again ...). By dealing with his son, he means taking care of him completely while he buggers off to play football? That is more than 'dealing' with his son. That is being the parent while he absents himself from his responsibility.

" the mother of his son and my partner absolutely hate each other."
"He has had a lot of issues over the last few years ie his mom had an affair, left his dad and didn't bother with him or his brother."
There's a bit of me that wonders if you're the woman he's subconsciously decided to 'punish' for all he's suffered at the hands of women?

You are 29. If you want children, you will grow to resent this man, and then your fertile years will be over. Sorry to be so brutal OP, but nature is red in tooth and claw and it doesn't give a stuff for our feelings or our relationships. Biology is what it is. And IMO, he sounds pretty immature. How would you feel if he eventually matured when he was 40 and you were 42, your fertility was in the past and he then decided he wanted chidlren again? And left you for a younger woman? This is sadly a scenario other MNers have faced.

I met my DH when I was 30. We had our DS when I was 35. You have time to find someone else. I think you should consider it.

There has been some fantastic advice for you on this thread op. I'm afraid I have to agree with some of the previous posts.

You need to get your head around leaving him if he really doesn't want children and I would do it sooner rather than later.

Believe me the desire to have them will only get stronger and you may grow to resent him as the years go on. You have plenty of time.

He doesn't even sound that nice to be honest really sorry you can do better.

Sorry op but any man to chooses to go off and play football during his supposed contact time with his son, leaving you to babysit, is just not worth it. He sounds like a selfish, self centred dick who will always put his own needs and feelings ahead of others - whether that's you or his son. I totally understand him not wanting more children, but he's perfectly happy to let you look after the only one he had got because it's convenient. And if he can just come out with 'if you want children then we should break up' as easy as that, and then complain when you want some head space to work out your feelings, hen I'd be questioning whether he really is your Mr Right.

I think he is being unfair on at least two counts. Firstly he said he wanted a baby and now he has changed his mind. And expecting you to be involved in the upbringing of his child and yet denied a child of your own.

You've three choices. Hope he'll change his mind and you can talk him round. Leave him. Or have no children. You shouldn't accept not having a baby if you want to be a mother. Your partner is very young to be father to a five year old. Perhaps he doesn't feel he wants the responsiblity of another child at his age. But whether you can wait around till he thinks he's ready is a big gamble.

He told me if I couldn't accept his decision we need to break up
if I can't deal with his son then we need to split up

^^ There's a lot of 'needing to split up' in his conversations. He thinks you're so frightened of losing him that you will put up with anything. Walk away now. He doesn't care about what you think. He has a complicated relationship with his family which he hasn't dealt with; he has an aggravated relationship with the mother of his child and now he's telling you if you don't just accept all his decisions without query then he'll leave. Honestly, he isn't worth the grief.

He wants you to look after his son whilst he has the life he feels his child denies him. I don't mean to sound harsh but from your posts, it sounds as though he treats you like some kind of nanny/housekeeper. You deserve so much better. Hopefully you'll find the strength to break this off and go find a relationship where what you want matters too.