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AIBU?

My boyfriend doesn't want anymore kids

111 replies

MUNCHKINA86 · 08/02/2016 09:38

Hi I just wanted some advice and opinions from people I don't know on this subject.

My boyfriend of 2 years has just decided to tell me he doesn't want any more children. He has a son from a previous relationship who is 5. At the start I made it clear I wanted children and he said he couldn't wait to start a family. I just have no idea what to do. I have looked at this from a different perspective and there is a part of me that feels I was in love with the idea of having a baby , not raising a child. He told me if I couldn't accept his decision we need to break up. I love him so much after 10 years of being unlucky in love I feel like I've found the perfect man for me. I decided I would accept this as I didn't want to lose him. We have his son stay on a weekend and I've said I just need some time away from that to come to terms with how my life will be. He is being completely selfish over this and has told me if I can't deal with his son then we need to split up. I just feel everything is on his terms with no consideration to my feelings. He has told me he doesn't want kids but expects me to look after his son on a weekend. Am I being unreasonable to think that if I have to accept his decision on kids and he wants me to live a childless life then why should I be forced to play an active part in his child's life who he has with another woman.

Please help

OP posts:

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Aeroflotgirl · 08/02/2016 12:01

He is leaving you to look after his child, and expects you to do so, whilst denying you the opportunity to be a mother, tells you all op! I would leave, the fact he is saying to break up, means he would rather split with you, then have children.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 08/02/2016 12:14

So he wastes the small amount of time he has available to spend with his son playing football? And you want to have children with him because?

Good news, you have dodged a man-child, responsibility-shirking whinge-baby car-crash of a father to your child...quick, run.

Eminado · 08/02/2016 12:22

^^
What Kondo said!!!

ApocalypseNowt · 08/02/2016 12:22

I think it's interesting that he's dropped this bombshell on you just after he moves in. It's harder to end a relationship when you live together.

The word that springs to mind with this chap is 'cocklodger'.

Xmasbaby11 · 08/02/2016 12:27

You're only 29. I think you should move on and find a more mature partner.

He became a father very young and may well change his mind in a few years. But he may not.

Rebecca2014 · 08/02/2016 12:41

Darling he has done you a favour. Any father who chooses playing football over seeing their kid says everything to me. He is young and most likely will have more children, it just wont be with you. He's not that into you.

Your only 29, don't write yourself off. Leave...

MackerelOfFact · 08/02/2016 12:59

OP, you're already a much better parent than him and you don't even have DCs.

Please walk away and find someone who wants to have a family with you, and most importantly, BE PART of that family.

This chap doesn't.

TheNoodlesIncident · 08/02/2016 13:10

You deserve better than this oaf OP.

And so does his son . But you have the option to keep looking for a better partner, one who respects you and your feelings and opinions.

whatevva · 08/02/2016 13:20

I think it's interesting that he's dropped this bombshell on you just after he moves in

I agree with this and it fits in with you saying that he wants everything on his own terms.

It is very convenient for him - he has got someone to live with him, look after his DC whilst he plays football and arrange his contact time for him, help pay the bills etc. In return, he has shattered your future dreams with only the promise that he will not look for anyone else and will spend the rest of his life with you. If you object, you do not get this.

Not very positive.

I think he has a lot going on with his family, becoming a father too soon etc and needs to sort himself out and mature, before anyone commits the rest of their life, and future happiness, to him.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 08/02/2016 14:15

Honestly OP you deserve so much better than this

Get out while you can and find a lovely man to have babies with. One who's going to be a great partner and a great dad.

BlackberryandNettle · 08/02/2016 14:40

He sounds like he wants you to look after him and his son and provide an easy life for him. Tbh I think he sounds quite resentful and d unpleasant. Please muster your courage and cut your losses now - 29 is still very young and you have lots of time to go after what you really want. Don't throw away your options by staying get with this man - I'm mid thirties and have friends who have been in this same situation and found someone much more suited to them. I also have a friend who stayed and the relationship is now severely on the rocks but she's six years older.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2016 15:02

Jesus wept! Why do so many young women hitch their star to total losers who have kids already, all these issues, use them as babysitters, cocklodge, etc? You need to do the Freedom Programme and get counselling for your self-esteem, not couples counselling, to figure out why you even give someone like this the time of day. You're 29! You don't need someone with all this baggage.

He's not perfect, he's an immature kid who fathered a child that he dumps with you and blames all his problems on others - his mum/family, his ex, his lame job.

Don't give up having kids for this guy. He's not worth it.

He'll probably sing you some song and dance when you split with him because he wants you to babysit his son.

There's nothing to save here except yourself.

TubbyTabby · 08/02/2016 15:45

Ditch the loser boyfriend.
he's a twat.
please don't waste your life on a twat.
i feel sorry for his kid.

coconutpie · 08/02/2016 16:02

Leave him. Count your lucky stars that you don't have a child with him. It sounds like you're just a glorified babysitter - he moves you in and then can Feck off to football while you mind his son on his contact day. That is not on. From his reaction to you saying you will go out while his son is there, this is even more obvious that he's using you as free childcare. Do not give up having children for this man. Leave him and you'll find someone else who is on the same page as you.

Duckdeamon · 08/02/2016 16:34

Agree with PPs that he's a loser: not for not wanting more DC, but for the other reasons stated.

Why are you doing more for his DC than he is? (One of the big reasons he's a loser). And the wifework?

Don't waste your time on him. You clearly want DC. Even if you had one with him chances are you'd become a single parent, or unhappy and stuck, because this bloke is a loser.

I bet there were red or at least amber flags that you missed whilst telling yourself he's "perfect".

TheExMotherInLaw · 08/02/2016 16:35

hmm, only one decision left to make, I think - does he move out, or do you?

ovenchips · 08/02/2016 16:37

Thanks for clarifying.

I agree with PPs who have said that although very painful, in some ways it's good that he has said no to more children. It forces you to make a decision about whether you want to be with him, and from everything you've written you deserve better. So much better. I wouldn't give up on my dream of having children for this man.

Best of luck OP. I know us saying dump him and you actually having to do it are two different things. It's not easy to give up on a dream of a shared future.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2016 16:49

And do not fall for his attempts to keep you sweet once you tell him it's over. Right now he's got it made: you doing the wifework and childcare and him getting exactly what he wants. When push comes to shove he'll probably try to keep that train on the track because it suits him and he's selfish.

FoxFeatures · 08/02/2016 16:59

Don't waste the next 50 years compromising on what you want. If you want children you need to end this relationship and meet someone who is more compatible with you.

Headofthehive55 · 08/02/2016 17:04

Just remember, everyone is unlucky in love until they meet the one.

I'd be excitedly telling him, oh that's ok and getting leaflets for donor insemination and telling him! etc. Tell him he can leave if he doesn't want that! He has a child, so you can. What's good for the goose.....

Of course he will hate that cos I don't think he really wants you. Find someone else. Regain the upper hand. Tell him you will be looking elsewhere now , you will still date him but not exclusively.

missmoffatt2705 · 08/02/2016 17:05

When I was around 33, I had a pregnancy scare. It was a false alarm but my boyfriend at the time, who was divorced with an 8yr old DS, confessed that he really did not want any more children. So I ended it with him and at the age of 39 had my first of two sons with my husband.You are younger than I was at the time. You have a good few years left to find a partner and have a baby although I have to admit that I was lucky in having no fertility problems. Don't let him block off your options.You will find someone who wants what you want.

NameChange30 · 08/02/2016 17:12

I think you should leave him. He sounds really selfish. He's not even taking responsibility for the child he already has (leaving you to do the childcare). Even if he agreed to have more children with you, he wouldn't be a good father to them either.

He's making ultimatums and putting a lot of pressure on you. It's all on his terms. Please leave him and find someone who is willing to give as well as take.

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Jux · 08/02/2016 17:34

I met my dh when I was 38 and had dd at 41. You have lots of time ahead of you; don't waste it.

This man is not your perfect partner, if he were, he's want children too, but he doesn't. It doesn't look like he much wants the one he's already got either, he has to get someone else to do the parenting for him so he can do what he wants. Heaven forfend that you expect him to parent his own child, if you tell him to do that he threatens to split. Far from perfect, really, isn't he?

You won't meet the decent man you deserve while you stick with the shit one you've got.

Eminado · 08/02/2016 17:37

Jux has it in a nutshell.

Writerwannabe83 · 08/02/2016 18:55

Lots of threats from him about splitting up from him which implies to me is actually hoping you will make that decision.

Sorry, it looks like he's looking for a way out.

Either that or he's emotionally blackmailing you in order to get what he wants.

Personally I think you are best off without him as both of the above scenarios are pretty unappealing for choosing a long term partner....

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