My boyfriend doesn't want anymore kids

[MUNCHKINA86]

Hi I just wanted some advice and opinions from people I don't know on this subject.

My boyfriend of 2 years has just decided to tell me he doesn't want any more children. He has a son from a previous relationship who is 5. At the start I made it clear I wanted children and he said he couldn't wait to start a family. I just have no idea what to do. I have looked at this from a different perspective and there is a part of me that feels I was in love with the idea of having a baby , not raising a child. He told me if I couldn't accept his decision we need to break up. I love him so much after 10 years of being unlucky in love I feel like I've found the perfect man for me. I decided I would accept this as I didn't want to lose him. We have his son stay on a weekend and I've said I just need some time away from that to come to terms with how my life will be. He is being completely selfish over this and has told me if I can't deal with his son then we need to split up. I just feel everything is on his terms with no consideration to my feelings. He has told me he doesn't want kids but expects me to look after his son on a weekend. Am I being unreasonable to think that if I have to accept his decision on kids and he wants me to live a childless life then why should I be forced to play an active part in his child's life who he has with another woman.

Please help

[HipsterHunter]

I don't think you can stop the son coming to his dads... but you can certainly make arrangements to be out, see friends/family, and take zero role in looking after said child.

[Piewraith]

OP you have plenty of time to have dc but also not enough time to waste.

Due to his laziness and rudeness, no one should waste their time on this guy even if they have 100 fertile years left.

Whether he changed his mind or was lying up until now, you ll never know. The one good thing is that he is being honest now. He could have easily fobbed you off with excuses for a few more years.

It's also possible he is lying now, to make you break up with him. In fact I'm 99% sure he will have more kids. 20 years from now with a younger women.

[MargaretTwatyer]

Lots of threats from him about splitting up from him which implies to me is actually hoping you will make that decision.

Sorry, it looks like he's looking for a way out.

Agree with this. He wants to split but wants you to be the one to do it.

[ChickenVindaloo2]

I think he wants to break up (for whatever reason) and is too cowardly to do it. So he's trying to make YOU do it.

[Creampastry]

Walk (run) away from him

[MermaidsTears]

We are the same age and I have three children. If I didn't there is no way I could just give up and accept that. I had to have them.
To me it either sounds like he wants out of the relationship and thinks he has a sure fire way of you leaving if he tells you no children....
Or....
He thinks he has you so far under his thumb he can throw around threats of relationship needing to end if you don't agree with him etc safe in the knowledge you'll fall in line and stay and carry on with his way or the high way approach.
He sounds shit

[Joyzeng]

Thank you

[MrMessy]

I think you need to start your own thread for advice Joyzeng. Maybe put it on the relationship board there are loads of people with similar experiences on there that can offer advice.

[Joyzeng]

Hi .I have very similar situation then you. I want our own baby in the future.He doesn't want kids anymore . I am 26, He is 42 and he has 2 daughters already .They are 12years and 14years old. He said the same thing to me thatif I can not deal with it .Then we should break up. if I am ok with it .He hope me to stay with him as long as I can. He said he doesn't want to see me to be sad every times because of this . He loves to be together with me but he is ok to be alone ,too. He said maybe he is selfish but he can not be more honest to me. He said sometimes he hope we can broke up and I can easily find other man to have normal family life but at the same time he wish we stay together .He is a serious guy. He stayed 17years together with her ex-wife. I wondering how are you and your boyfriend now.

[RomComPhooey]

There's a bit of me that wonders if you're the woman he's subconsciously decided to 'punish' for all he's suffered at the hands of women?

I thought this too.

You deserve better. And so does his son - poor little mite, coming to see his Dad & then being roundly ignored by him. Your boyfriend is not a good guy, quite the reverse.

[sportinguista]

DH was very anti more children for many years because he had dss very young (about 22) and there was a certain amount of difficulty with his ex. But he never ruled it out so completely and never expected me to babysit dss whilst he went out. It took around 8 years for us to come to the point where we started trying for ds and I was late thirties so we have only the one, but we did put it off for practical reasons (getting a house, jobs established etc) which were all things he didn't have when dss was born (they were on benefits).

I think in your case it might be better for you to sit down with him and say that you do want children, it is not very kind of him to expect you to look after another woman's child and not be able to have your own much wanted child. Make the arrangements to move out and maybe try dating again or activities where you can meet a range of people. You never know the right man might be out there for you and five years down the line you'll be happy and settled with children.

[Writerwannabe83]

Lots of threats from him about splitting up from him which implies to me is actually hoping you will make that decision.

Sorry, it looks like he's looking for a way out.

Either that or he's emotionally blackmailing you in order to get what he wants.

Personally I think you are best off without him as both of the above scenarios are pretty unappealing for choosing a long term partner....

[Eminado]

Jux has it in a nutshell.

[Jux]

I met my dh when I was 38 and had dd at 41. You have lots of time ahead of you; don't waste it.

This man is not your perfect partner, if he were, he's want children too, but he doesn't. It doesn't look like he much wants the one he's already got either, he has to get someone else to do the parenting for him so he can do what he wants. Heaven forfend that you expect him to parent his own child, if you tell him to do that he threatens to split. Far from perfect, really, isn't he?

You won't meet the decent man you deserve while you stick with the shit one you've got.

[NameChange30]

I think you should leave him. He sounds really selfish. He's not even taking responsibility for the child he already has (leaving you to do the childcare). Even if he agreed to have more children with you, he wouldn't be a good father to them either.

He's making ultimatums and putting a lot of pressure on you. It's all on his terms. Please leave him and find someone who is willing to give as well as take.

[missmoffatt2705]

When I was around 33, I had a pregnancy scare. It was a false alarm but my boyfriend at the time, who was divorced with an 8yr old DS, confessed that he really did not want any more children. So I ended it with him and at the age of 39 had my first of two sons with my husband.You are younger than I was at the time. You have a good few years left to find a partner and have a baby although I have to admit that I was lucky in having no fertility problems. Don't let him block off your options.You will find someone who wants what you want.

[Headofthehive55]

Just remember, everyone is unlucky in love until they meet the one.

I'd be excitedly telling him, oh that's ok and getting leaflets for donor insemination and telling him! etc. Tell him he can leave if he doesn't want that! He has a child, so you can. What's good for the goose.....

Of course he will hate that cos I don't think he really wants you. Find someone else. Regain the upper hand. Tell him you will be looking elsewhere now , you will still date him but not exclusively.

[FoxFeatures]

Don't waste the next 50 years compromising on what you want. If you want children you need to end this relationship and meet someone who is more compatible with you.

[expatinscotland]

And do not fall for his attempts to keep you sweet once you tell him it's over. Right now he's got it made: you doing the wifework and childcare and him getting exactly what he wants. When push comes to shove he'll probably try to keep that train on the track because it suits him and he's selfish.

[ovenchips]

Thanks for clarifying.

I agree with PPs who have said that although very painful, in some ways it's good that he has said no to more children. It forces you to make a decision about whether you want to be with him, and from everything you've written you deserve better. So much better. I wouldn't give up on my dream of having children for this man.

Best of luck OP. I know us saying dump him and you actually having to do it are two different things. It's not easy to give up on a dream of a shared future.

[TheExMotherInLaw]

hmm, only one decision left to make, I think - does he move out, or do you?

[Duckdeamon]

Agree with PPs that he's a loser: not for not wanting more DC, but for the other reasons stated.

Why are you doing more for his DC than he is? (One of the big reasons he's a loser). And the wifework?

Don't waste your time on him. You clearly want DC. Even if you had one with him chances are you'd become a single parent, or unhappy and stuck, because this bloke is a loser.

I bet there were red or at least amber flags that you missed whilst telling yourself he's "perfect".

[coconutpie]

Leave him. Count your lucky stars that you don't have a child with him. It sounds like you're just a glorified babysitter - he moves you in and then can Feck off to football while you mind his son on his contact day. That is not on. From his reaction to you saying you will go out while his son is there, this is even more obvious that he's using you as free childcare. Do not give up having children for this man. Leave him and you'll find someone else who is on the same page as you.

[TubbyTabby]

Ditch the loser boyfriend.
he's a twat.
please don't waste your life on a twat.
i feel sorry for his kid.

[expatinscotland]

Jesus wept! Why do so many young women hitch their star to total losers who have kids already, all these issues, use them as babysitters, cocklodge, etc? You need to do the Freedom Programme and get counselling for your self-esteem, not couples counselling, to figure out why you even give someone like this the time of day. You're 29! You don't need someone with all this baggage.

He's not perfect, he's an immature kid who fathered a child that he dumps with you and blames all his problems on others - his mum/family, his ex, his lame job.

Don't give up having kids for this guy. He's not worth it.

He'll probably sing you some song and dance when you split with him because he wants you to babysit his son.

There's nothing to save here except yourself.