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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn't want anymore kids

111 replies

MUNCHKINA86 · 08/02/2016 09:38

Hi I just wanted some advice and opinions from people I don't know on this subject.

My boyfriend of 2 years has just decided to tell me he doesn't want any more children. He has a son from a previous relationship who is 5. At the start I made it clear I wanted children and he said he couldn't wait to start a family. I just have no idea what to do. I have looked at this from a different perspective and there is a part of me that feels I was in love with the idea of having a baby , not raising a child. He told me if I couldn't accept his decision we need to break up. I love him so much after 10 years of being unlucky in love I feel like I've found the perfect man for me. I decided I would accept this as I didn't want to lose him. We have his son stay on a weekend and I've said I just need some time away from that to come to terms with how my life will be. He is being completely selfish over this and has told me if I can't deal with his son then we need to split up. I just feel everything is on his terms with no consideration to my feelings. He has told me he doesn't want kids but expects me to look after his son on a weekend. Am I being unreasonable to think that if I have to accept his decision on kids and he wants me to live a childless life then why should I be forced to play an active part in his child's life who he has with another woman.

Please help

OP posts:

CruCru · 08/02/2016 10:10

Honestly? It sounds as though he has all he wants - he doesn't want more kids and he wants you to do the bulk of the parenting (the dull stuff) when he has his son.

You still have time. Give him the push and find someone who wants to have children with you. I know that he has the right to change his mind but to go from not being able to wait to start a family to not wanting more when you are now hooked is quite shit.

LovelyFriend · 08/02/2016 10:11

If you want children then I think that you need to separate from this man.

He told me if I couldn't accept his decision we need to break up.
I think you would be foolish not to listen to him when he says this - complete contract with the "I will love you forever" statements.

Also his son is a massive part of his life and this is how it should be.

thecatfromjapan · 08/02/2016 10:11

And with that clarification. I now am wondering even more about what has happened to give rise to this announcement on his part.

He doesn't want his freedom curtailed?

Hmmmm.

Can you afford couple counselling? I would say you need to sort this out, soon and clearly.

And don't be afraid of leaving this relationship: if it's not going to nurture what you want in your life, then it is not worth sacrificing your wishes, hopes, desires for.

DoreenLethal · 08/02/2016 10:13

You are 29. You have many childbearing years ahead of you.

Don't waste them with him, end this and go find someone who does want kids.

Original poster

MUNCHKINA86 · 08/02/2016 10:13

No I've never said I don't want his son to stay. I have just said that whilst his son is in our house I won't be around so much whilst I sort my head and my own feelings out. By this I mean I won't be in all day looking after his son like I currently do whilst my partner goes off to play football etc etc . I would never ask him or stop him from having his son I'm not a cruel person and I know how important it is for both of them to spend time together

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 08/02/2016 10:15

Why are you bothering with this loser.

He's using you as a sodding babysitter whilst constantly threatening to end the relationship?

Get rid.

He is not arsed about you, only himself.

WhirlyTwos · 08/02/2016 10:17

I think the chances of you not feeling resentful in later years is slim.

You are still young and likely have a good 10 year window to find another partner and have a family.

A 2 year relationship with a 25 year old is insufficient to base your future happiness on when so much is at stake.

Much easier to say than do, and I very rarely agree with all the LTBing on here, but I really do think you need to split from this guy.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/02/2016 10:19

goes off to play football

As I suspected. He sees you as a babysitter to look after his son while he gets on with his life.

If you go out he will try to guilt trip by saying 'you're a family' because he doesn't want the hard work of looking after children. Try it and see how he really is.

Get out now while you're still young enough to find someone else who does want children.

Jux · 08/02/2016 10:20

He is being very honest. However, there is no reason why you can't go out a bit when his son is there. He should be having a lot more responsibility for his own son anyway. He should be doing the whole bedtime routine himself. Leave him some father/son bonding time.

Original poster

MUNCHKINA86 · 08/02/2016 10:20

He has had a lot of issues over the last few years ie his mom had an affair, left his dad and didn't bother with him or his brother. They were so close and now she is trying to get back in their lives he refuses to have any contact with her. He also hates his job as it doesn't pay very well. I have suggested he tries counselling as I think he has a lot going on in his head. Couple counselling does sound like a good idea

OP posts:

BrownAjah · 08/02/2016 10:20

He's a shoddy father to the child he already has - what on earth makes you want him as a father to your own children?!

Consider this a fortunate exit route and get shot if him!

EthelMercaptan · 08/02/2016 10:22

I'm wondering what has happened to make him decide this too. What is the situation like between him and the mother of his son?

WhirlyTwos · 08/02/2016 10:23

Couple counselling does sound like a good idea

If you need counselling after only 2 years, whatever it is you have is not worth salvaging. Sorry, it sounds harsh, but I would stake everything I own on it being the case.

aintnothinbutagstring · 08/02/2016 10:25

You're only 29, plenty of time to find someone who wants the same as you. And yes, sounds like you're being used as a babysitter at weekends to someone else's child, if you split up his weekends would probably look entirely different as he'd have to take full responsibility for his own child. Call his bluff and dump him, you deserve so much more from life.

MistressDeeCee · 08/02/2016 10:25

He has told me he doesn't want kids but expects me to look after his son on a weekend

OP as much as you may be in love, this man isn't going to fulfill your needs. He is not the only man in the world and you will not die without him, although it may feel like it if you are deeply in love.

Split with him and go completely non-contact. The only other option is to remain with him for the sake of love, growing more miserable as time goes by - and also older. Staying with him beyond child-bearing age, when you could have met someone else who would be open to you being the mother of their child, could store up so much resentment and bitterness you will find it deeply upsetting to live with.

He's told you if you can't accept his decision then you need to break up. You need to listen to him, he's told you this already and yet you are here asking for advice? Also the man is a born liar, he initially told you he wanted to start a family with you (all very convenient for him I suppose, lying meant he could get into a relationship with you) and 2 years later its "nah, I don't want that". He's a father already, he knows the score

You need to take him out of the equasion, take a deep breath decide you're not going to put a man before you and your future happiness in life, and just leave him. You're only 29 there's still time for a different and more fulfilling life but not if you continue to hang around a man who isn't on the same page as you in life

CottonFrock · 08/02/2016 10:26

He doesn't sound like a good father to his own child, so would it not concern you that he would be equally uninvolved in bringing up his child with you?

I can't blame him for not wanting another child - I have one, and should DH and I ever split and I start a new serious relationship before menopause, I would definitely not want to go back to the horror of the baby stage for anyone, however beloved. But your wants are incompatible, he doesn't sound like a great father, and you get stuck with the gruntwork of parenting, and he's using the fact that he likes having you do the childcare against you by claiming you are 'rejecting' his child.

I would say it's time to cut your losses and find someone who wants children as much as you do.

thecatfromjapan · 08/02/2016 10:27

Even more hmmmm.

I think he's told you that he wants to go 'adventuring'.

I suspect you have reached a forking path in your journey together.

I don't think you both want to go the same way.

That's OK. The journey you travelled together is not a waste. You had a good companion for that part of your life. You've gained experience and grown into who you are.

I think that for this next part of your life journey you probably need a different partner, who wants to take the same path as you.

I don't think your current partner wants the same path, or wants change. I also think that you need to accept you are changing, developing. To ignore that would be to ignore an important part of your life-journey.

helenahandbag · 08/02/2016 10:32

It sounds like he wants to break up but he doesn't want to the be the "bad guy". He's being pretty clear about what he wants and he has shown you what your life will be like if you stay. You're young, I would suggest that you walk away.

For what it's worth, my auntie was in a similar situation. She got with my uncle 25 years ago and a couple years into the relationship he told her that he didn't want marriage or kids. He was divorced with two kids already - he'd done all of that. She stayed with him because she loved him. Fast forward fifteen years and my cousin had a baby when she was 20, which my auntie has had to help raise because my uncle totally stepped up and took on the role of doting granddad and primary caregiver. I can't imagine how shit that felt for her.

ClarenceTheLion · 08/02/2016 10:32

He really does want to have his cake and eat it too. 'No, we can't have children because I need you to be the primary carer when my son visits?' Are you SURE this is your Prince Charming? He sounds like a dick.

And given how valuable you are to him, you probably could make him give in eventually - question is, would you really want to? If he's a less than stellar father now, he's not going to be better with any future kids...

PuntasticUsername · 08/02/2016 10:34

"I won't be in all day looking after his son like I currently do whilst my partner goes off to play football etc etc ."

I wondered if this would be the case. So he's not actually so worried about your relationship, he's annoyed that you don't want to be his free babysitter any more.

I don't often say LTB, but LTB. You can do better.

What2 · 08/02/2016 10:36

He doesn't sound like he is your 'perfect man' to me

I would think about leaving him.

Original poster

MUNCHKINA86 · 08/02/2016 10:37

In response to an earlier question, the mother of his son and my partner absolutely hate each other. Thanks everyone :) talking on here has really helped, I have spoken to close friends and family and it's good to get such honest responses and opinions rather than being told what you want to hear.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 08/02/2016 10:39

I think your boyfiend's one redeeming feature is that he's had the self-awareness to realise he doesn't particularly want to raise the child he already has- nevermind adding another baby into the equation.

If having a baby is important to you, then you need to leave him. Simple as.

JeanGenie23 · 08/02/2016 10:40

I think OP now is the time to look at what you have and what you want. Your current partner doesn't want any more children, it's shit he has had a change of mind, but it happens, it's much better for you that he has said this now as opposed to when you are pregnant!

Couple counselling won't change his mind will it? It will just help him to articulate his feelings better, but he has been clear enough. It's tough on you but I think this relationship has run its course

mintoil · 08/02/2016 10:41

Has your boyfriend moved into your home? What is the housing situation here? I am wondering as it is all starting to sound very convenient for him.

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