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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my friend should be working?

257 replies

Louboutin37 · 07/02/2016 13:02

I'll give you the scenario. Mate is divorced, single mum to 2 kids. Maintenance all agreed and pretty generous with her ex, youngest child is 12.

We were chatting the other day and I mentioned to her that she must be excited about going back to work full time soon. (She works 2 days a week at the mo and claims tax credits)

She replied with "but I can't go back to work, I'm a single mum and the state recognises that I need to be at home to support my babies".

AIBU to think that she doesn't have babies and in her situation should be thinking about getting back to work by now? She seems to think that as she doesn't see herself as in benefits then there's no issue.

PS, this isn't a benefits slating at all.

OP posts:

ItsJustaUsername · 07/02/2016 17:39

HairySubject

If she worked full time she would probably be entitled to even more tax credits to cover her childcare costs. .

A LP in f/t work on lowish wages with dc in f/t childcare costs the taxpayer more than a LP out of work or working p/t around school hours. But that is completely ignored on here as it doesn't suit the LP bashers agenda.

HairySubject · 07/02/2016 17:44

I am glad at least one other person here sees sense It's just a username but some posters can carry on twisting the situation to for their own agenda.

GreatFuckability · 07/02/2016 17:55

I'm a single parent and full time student. Its a bloody hard slog and when I qualify I've every intention of working part time during my childrens teenage years because when there is only one of you to go round, something has to give. and If that is to rely on the 'tax payer' for a few years rather than my mental health or my children's well being then thats ok with me. If people want to judge me for that, again, thats also ok with me.

ItsJustaUsername · 07/02/2016 17:56

Twisted agenda's about right HairySubject or sheer stupidity. A single MP's expenses could feed a family for a year or 5 but again it's fingers in ears la la la, not interested in discussing the billions wasted on wars ect. or the governments pals in big business tax dodging, no let's just aim all our anger at the poorest in society as per fucking usual. There's none so blind as those who are brainwashed will not see.

SoozeyHoozey · 07/02/2016 18:58

I agree, unless there are other extenuating circumstances such as disabilities etc. The state shouldn't subsidise part time work if people are able to work full time.

choceclair123 · 07/02/2016 19:12

Imperialblether, untangle your knickers! If you're referring to my comment up thread I think you'll find I was talking about pensions and NOT pensioners! As in, there's always someone moaning about SAHM's not contributing to the economy and being a drain on society?! Simple if you can read

Foslady · 07/02/2016 19:35

Another lone parent here. I do the full time job of a mother, I do 6/7 of the job of a father. I also work full time for £15k a year. I'm 47 and bloody knackered and that's with a dd who luckily is a great kid, does all her schoolwork on time, doesn't want to drink, smoke or do drugs (the anti messages have worked/seen people that have and how it has affected them).

It was much easier when I worked part time - 4/5 days - and that extra non paid working day meant I had time to breathe. I seriously wonder about my physical and mental health at times and the effect on it. But hey, by that time I won't be earning anyway and will mean I drop dead sooner - win/win eh OP? Earned more money in taxes to the state and early death mean less state pension and NHS bills?

HairySubject · 07/02/2016 21:39

Couldn't agree more username

DixieNormas · 07/02/2016 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemurintheSun · 08/02/2016 09:54

So happy to have a 2 day a week job. I love working in an office, contributing to something broader than family life, having colleagues, developing my working skills, and earning a bit towards family bills/little luxuries. I might be able to manage 3 days, but 2 is perfect. More than 3 and I would start getting very stressed, trying to balance family responsibilities and work. We can cope financially, as a family, and it's best for everyone if I'm fully functioning, not on the verge of meltdown trying to do it all. I know it can be an issue for some people - one of my colleagues is working three jobs to meet the bills and save for a home (but doesn't have kids). I can understand that it galls her a bit, though we rub along ok. Finding a part-time job was very tough. I'm happy for your friend that she has found something that works for her, and you should be too. Let go your belief that her life should fit your ideal scenario, or the friendship may get rather strained.

Flowerpower41 · 08/02/2016 10:22

I would just like to state that a lot of people in society seem to have a problem with single parents working part-time once their children are a certain age.

On quite a number of occasions my aunt and cousin (who are both knocking on a bit) have asked me 'How many hours am I working'.

As I have no family support and no ex to help I have had to limit my hours of work. Not my fault!

Children are off 3 months of the year from school and the country does nothing to provide realistic options for children of secondary age. There is absolutely nothing out there.

I am just lucky the childminder will keep seeing ds until he is 16 if I wish him to, and lucky that her son is a year older than mine so it isn't seen as boring by ds.

ivykaty44 · 08/02/2016 11:03

Interestingly my ex went in to have another dc with OW and then repeated his pattern & left. Years later it is my youngest dd2 that can see her ex step mother struggling to work 30 hours per week, struggling with childcare, no holiday help in the 13 weeks and thinks her father is a tit

I was shocked she had picked all this up about the situation of single parenting...

imwithspud · 08/02/2016 11:32

YABU. For one, she is already working.

Flowerpower41 · 08/02/2016 14:55

It is never people in the know that judge in my exp it is always ones who had children in a different generation and era, or people who are out of touch, or sometmes those who have never had any children.

Childcare providers and parents generally know the cost of living so tend not to question the issue.

AlanPacino · 08/02/2016 15:09

Are you a jellyfish friend, OP?

Im wondering too if it was a deliberately barbed comment. Along the lines of 'your house has so much potential'. It's horrible to be in a friendship where the other is undermining you and looking for ways to couch their judgement innocently. Leave her be op.

AlanPacino · 08/02/2016 15:10

expects the taxpayer to enable her lifestyle choice?

Ahh so it is about benefits.

Sonnet · 08/02/2016 15:14

Your friend is not being unreasonable about not working more - her choice and if she can afford not to work then why should she?

She is being unreasonable however in claiming tax credits to fund her part time work. If her two day week is not enough for her to live on then she should either increase her hours or get her ex DH to increase his maintanience.

Benefits are to support those who need them not support those who only fancy working 2 days a week

RosaDiaz · 08/02/2016 15:20

you must be excited to go back to full time work what a nasty nasty way of saying it. I'd rather be a nice person on benefits than a judgemental bitchy twat

MistressDeeCee · 08/02/2016 15:38

You judgmentally raised with her that she must should be excited about her going back to work soon

Who appointed you her life monitor?! She works 2 days per week, thats what she wants to do. You are not her, she is not you. In her shoes Id get rid of a nosey, judgmental, control freak so-called mate like you. Then again she possibly doesn't know you spend time thinking about & envying her situation to the point you just had to mention something to her, and now want to bask in what (you hope) will be a thread full of critical comments about her for you to bask in

LineyReborn · 08/02/2016 15:38

Foslady I get you completely. I'm knackered too.

gunting · 08/02/2016 15:40

Newer posters might have missed that this thread was actually about her dps ex and child support

paxillin · 08/02/2016 18:12

Really, gunting ? WTF- that makes it even worse! His contribution will not change on mum's salary.

Is this true, OP? Are you envious of your dsc? Do you want to take money from them? Are your own children so poor that this is the only resort? But even then, would is not be your dp's responsibility.

Thankfulforeveryday · 08/02/2016 18:27

To be honest I don't see why those with older kids should actively choose to work less hours and be topped up by tax credits. But people won't be able to make these life choices soon and get subsidised by the state ^^

Here here!!!!

paxillin · 08/02/2016 18:28

I have looked at the other thread. How manipulative to start this thread inventing a friend. Fixed your AIBU for you:

My dp pays fairly for his dc. AIBU to want his exW to carry the burden alone

OnlyLovers · 08/02/2016 19:15

Mind your own fucking business OP.

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