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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my friend should be working?

257 replies

Louboutin37 · 07/02/2016 13:02

I'll give you the scenario. Mate is divorced, single mum to 2 kids. Maintenance all agreed and pretty generous with her ex, youngest child is 12.

We were chatting the other day and I mentioned to her that she must be excited about going back to work full time soon. (She works 2 days a week at the mo and claims tax credits)

She replied with "but I can't go back to work, I'm a single mum and the state recognises that I need to be at home to support my babies".

AIBU to think that she doesn't have babies and in her situation should be thinking about getting back to work by now? She seems to think that as she doesn't see herself as in benefits then there's no issue.

PS, this isn't a benefits slating at all.

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 07/02/2016 13:14

YABU.

nutellacrumpet · 07/02/2016 13:15

YABU butt out. You sound horrible.

DangerMouth · 07/02/2016 13:15

OP I'll go against the grain and say yes. We shouldn't have to subsidise your friend just because she's a single mother and has children. If she needs help it should be there for her absolutely. But not as a lifestyle choice i.e. being able to be at home with her dc because she wants to be.

But you (and probably me!) will get flamed

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 07/02/2016 13:16

Me too

ItWillWash · 07/02/2016 13:16

I actually found it easier to work f/t when my children where younger than now that I have a 12yo.

She is too old for childcare, too young to be allowed total freedom. Relatives all live too far from our home to be a 'base' for her when she is out with friends. I think she is too young to be given a key and free access to our house when she's with friends. We have a dog, who I wouldn't trust an inch with strange teens, I don't trust her not to show off and do something silly with the dog/oven/water etc. On the nights I work she misses socialising with her friends.

She is really suffering for me working shifts.

They both also notice my absence a lot more than they did when they were younger and want me around more to help with homework or just hang out with them.

SuperCee7 · 07/02/2016 13:17

Not your business.
She does work.
Who is going to look after her kids if she works full time?
Full time jobs aren't just lying around for people to jump into.

Ginmakesitallok · 07/02/2016 13:17

I work 3 days a week, youngest is 6. Should I be getting excited about going back to full time? DP works full time, but as you have pointed out this isn't about benefits, so the fact that we can afford for me to work part time is irrelevant.

LastOneDancing · 07/02/2016 13:19

Excited about going back full time?!

Yes, I can't imagine the torture of not having the majority of your week

Luckygirlcharlie · 07/02/2016 13:19

Hmm id be on the fence. I'd probably rather be working to support myself than taking maintenance (except for the kids) and I'd probably think to myself she should be working to support herself but i probably wouldn't say it to her. Also if she's not on benefits then I guess she can afford it so...it wouldn't be something I'd be moved to discuss with her.

CalleighDoodle · 07/02/2016 13:20

Your comment was passive aggressive.

LastOneDancing · 07/02/2016 13:20

Oops - spent in a sweaty office making small take with people you're not that keen on, instead of doing stuff for yourself and your family.

WorraLiberty · 07/02/2016 13:20

ItWillWash, good post.

I think it's the same for a lot of people.

I can't imagine being 12 years old and spending 8-10 hours a day without a parent around, for 6 long weeks during the Summer holiday.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/02/2016 13:21

Are you a jellyfish friend, OP?

The question 'are you excited about going back to FT work' when she has obvs not said she's going to go FT, sounds like but of a jellyfish question to me. Sting.

BloodyPlantagenets · 07/02/2016 13:21

My two young teenagers need me at home more than my four year old, with after school clubs and homework. Plus they are too old for childcare but too young to be left alone all day in school holidays.

RudeElf · 07/02/2016 13:22

I really wish people would mind their own business about how little or much other people work. Its so ridiculous. just get on with your own business and stop bitching about people you refer to as friends.

expatinscotland · 07/02/2016 13:24

Who knows, maybe her ex will up the maintenance in a bit and she won't have to work FT. Wouldn't that make you even more bitter and jealous, OP?

sugar21 · 07/02/2016 13:24

P.S This isn't benefits slating at all
Really?

Lurkedforever1 · 07/02/2016 13:25

Do you feel the same about all sahms? Or couples where only one works ft and the other is pt?

Either way it's none of your business. And I say that as a lone parent who worked ft from dd starting school, and prior to that was a ft student with a pt job. If I don't feel in a position to judge your friends choices, I don't see why anyone else sees fit to.

usual · 07/02/2016 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mommy2ash · 07/02/2016 13:29

What a very odd question for you to ask her. Did you say you were her friend?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/02/2016 13:29

It's not benefits slating, sugar21 - it's the much more satisfying friend slating.

AKA jealousy.

One of your friends gets a generous divorce settlement, father coughs up proper child support so she can work PT and care for her DC. Don't it turn your brown eyes green, OP ?

choceclair123 · 07/02/2016 13:30

I'm a SAHM (don't claim benefits) and I've had someone say that no wonder the pension pot is dwindling because of people not working and contributing national insurance?! Cheeky bitch! Some people are just bloody jealous!

AnyFucker · 07/02/2016 13:30

If I was applying this exact scenario to my own situation I would agree with you, op

I am not sure you are really aware of all the stuff she has to weigh up when she makes her decisions. I am not a single parent...I imagine it would be really fucking hard to work FT with no partner to help take the load.

Original poster

Louboutin37 · 07/02/2016 13:31

My point isn't about tax credits in general, my point is that if she is capable of working (yes) and qualified to do something that works around her children (yes) and has childcare options freely available (yes) then why is it reasonable for her to not work?

Or is it unreasonable for me to not appreciate that she chooses not to and expects the taxpayer to enable her lifestyle choice?

OP posts:

ItWillWash · 07/02/2016 13:31

Yup, when they are babies you drop them off at day care/play scheme and know that they'll have a whale of a time doing finger painting and making models from cardboard tubes which they expect you to proudly display on your fireplace for all of eternity.

Once they hit 11/12 they want to be out with their friends. They want you to help write an essay on the benefits of solar power, they want to talk to you about X in class, who keeps smiling at them - does he fancy them? Y says so, but they're not sure.

And half terms and holidays are a minefield. All of their friends are out doing X,Y and Z together and you have to either take the leap and trust them to be totally unsupervised for 10 hours or piss on their parade and take them to their 80yo great grans for the day to listen to her talking about the good old days for 10 hours.

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