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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my friend should be working?

257 replies

Louboutin37 · 07/02/2016 13:02

I'll give you the scenario. Mate is divorced, single mum to 2 kids. Maintenance all agreed and pretty generous with her ex, youngest child is 12.

We were chatting the other day and I mentioned to her that she must be excited about going back to work full time soon. (She works 2 days a week at the mo and claims tax credits)

She replied with "but I can't go back to work, I'm a single mum and the state recognises that I need to be at home to support my babies".

AIBU to think that she doesn't have babies and in her situation should be thinking about getting back to work by now? She seems to think that as she doesn't see herself as in benefits then there's no issue.

PS, this isn't a benefits slating at all.

OP posts:

NNalreadyinuse · 08/02/2016 21:20

If she was a sahm or pt worker during her marriage, then chances are she has missed out on career opportunities to look after the children she shares with her ex. Presumably his career has carried on unaffected by parenthood.
If that is the case, he should continue to support her and his kids as agreed during the marriage. He could pay more, the 'tax payer' could pay less - job's a good un!
You can then stop getting all cut up about your taxes supporting her!

Personally I am finding that my teens are requiring as much active parenting now, than when they were little. I dont blame her for wanting to be there if she can.

I also think it is a bad idea to rely on the ex husbands parents to provide child care. That throws up all sorts of potential issues.
Of course the dc's dad could do some more, but I expect that wouldn't suit...

paxillin · 08/02/2016 21:42

Good point. Dad (presumably working full time) drops 2.5 days and mum adds 1 day. Better? Didn't think so.

TitClash · 08/02/2016 21:52

So its actually DP's ex wife you are talking about?

Why should a lone parent have to exhaust themselves doing the job of two or three people? Let them be, their lives are hard enough.
You got the man. Leave her and the kids alone ffs.

This isnt A.N.Other country where people think everyone should stand on their own two feet. Most of us are happy to give support to those who need it.

When you can magic up jobs for all the people you moan about, then you can complain.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 08/02/2016 22:36

Where is the OP?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 08/02/2016 22:40

OP is long gone because she was sooooo busted

She thought that if her DP's ex started working DT, the DP's maintenance payments would reduce - she thinks her DP is "funding her lifestyle" rather than funding his DC.

Bless.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 08/02/2016 22:41

*working FT

Sonnet · 10/02/2016 15:00

Gosh the vitriol on here is breath-taking at times. Putting aside the issue of whether the OP has a hidden agenda for a moment.

You cut your cloth to suit your life - so work full time, part time or not at all it is absolutely nobody else's business. But for all you who think the "Choice"to work just a few hours while claiming top up benefits (while you are completely physically and mentally able to earn the money you need and do not have young children or caring responsibilities) is perfectly justifiable how sustainable do you think this is?

Very interested in response to a hypothetical thread stating "Fed up Working Full Time - AIBU to reduce my hours and claim benefits to enable me to make up the difference"

The Benefits system is seriously flawed - it appears to neglect those in real need and provide a "Choice" to those not in real need.

paxillin · 10/02/2016 15:29

Nothing whatsoever to do with benefits by choice, Sonnet. OP would like to hear her "friend" should not take her ExH's money to help raise his and her kids. That way, those pesky step children sould be fed by mum alone and OP and her partner would have the financial means of the child-free.

She needs to find herself a child free man to do that rather than date a father and hope he'll not pay for his kids.

NNalreadyinuse · 10/02/2016 15:50

I think the ex husband should pay more money - I doubt he is paying what it actually costs to support his kids. Then the OP's 'friend' wouldn't need to rely on top up benefits!

Hillingdon · 10/02/2016 15:58

I agree with Sonnet. There are people who 'choose' not to work more than a certain number of hours because the state will top them up. its a bit of a no brainer for them.

Hopefully it will stop soon..

ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 10/02/2016 16:04

YABU

ivykaty44 · 10/02/2016 18:22

Perhaps sonnet would like to point out where all these full time jobs are hiding?

There are many many part time roles and zero hours contracts, but full time jobs have often over 200 applications. Trying to obtain extra hours within a job can be difficult due to hours clashing.

Many people seem to think you can just click your fingers and full time work appears, but this just isn't the case.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/02/2016 20:26

Come off it ivy. I know at least ten people who are refusing to do any more hours than the part time they currently do, am despite being asked to by their bosses, because it's not in their financial interest. There are plenty of jobs out there, plenty.

ivykaty44 · 10/02/2016 21:21

Yes there are plenty of jobs out there arethereanyleftatall, but you know as well as I do that those jobs are zero hours or part time hours which isn't going to be any different from working - well part time.

Tbh I don't know ten single parents working part time though, let along ten single parents working part time with bosses asking them all to do extra hours

ItWillWash · 10/02/2016 23:18

Wrt extra hours, I did overtime in October. I informed everyone I needed to re TC/HB etc.

Last week they decided to amend my rent, to take into account the extra I earned in October. I need to pay £60 a week more rent. I'm on zero hours next week and a three day week the week after. I've had no overtime since October. They'll recalculate it again once I've handed in payslips for the last millennium or so, it might take 2-4 working weeks, in the meantime I have to pull out an extra £60 a week or risk loosing my home. Next time I'm offered overtime I'll be saying no.

Potatoface2 · 11/02/2016 00:00

depends on what she does......i earn more in my part time hours than my sister does in her full time hours....neither of us get tax credits but then we both have husbands who work....but even if we were single i would still earn more, she would prob get tax credits for her full time work, but i wouldnt for my part time work....maybe she would still get tax credits if she worked full time as well

cleaty · 11/02/2016 08:25

Until fairly recently, lone parents could be supported by benefits until their children were adults.

Sonnet · 11/02/2016 10:19

IvyKate - That line is always trotted out in these circumstances. In real life I was having a conversation yesterday about how hard it is to find "Part Time work"

In the company I currently work for we have 20 full time vacancies (37.5hrs a week) but not one part time vacancy.

ItWillWash - what you suffered if the problem that needs sorting out. It should pay you to work more not less. Zero hour contracts are benefitting big businesses only.

Whichever way you look at it the Tax credits/in-work benefits need amending. Not that I agreed at all with the proposed changes as it was those most in need that seemed to me would bear the brunt of it.

Sonnet · 11/02/2016 10:21

I disagree Paxillin: In the OP's post she said: "We were chatting the other day and I mentioned to her that she must be excited about going back to work full time soon. (She works 2 days a week at the mo and claims tax credits)"

so everything to do with TC's.

chilipepper20 · 11/02/2016 10:29

Perhaps sonnet would like to point out where all these full time jobs are hiding?

But that's not the reason the OP's friend gave. The reason was why should she work, given that her kids need her and she has enough support.

of course the system gives people the choice of not working. That's precisely what is happening in this case.

carrielou2007 · 11/02/2016 10:42

I keep reading people claiming tax credits being 'topped up' to full time wages if they work part time?? I am a single parent with 3dc who works part time. I get some tax credits which are to help towards the cost of registered childcare. This depends on salary and can be up to 70% (not for me).

So this notion that tax credits are 'topping my wages up' on my non work days is wrong. If I worked more hours (which I am hoping to do when my youngest starts school) now I would be paying more childcare. Once he is at school breakfast and Afterschool club costs are less than full days of childcare so I will earn more, pay less childcare and receive less (if any) tax credits.

I hope I have explained that well enough, what a nasty thread OP

paxillin · 11/02/2016 10:46

I know Sonnet, but a pp posted a link to a recent thread on which the OP discussed her DP's ExW and mother of his children who fits this "friend" perfectly. She feels her DP pays too much for the kids and his ExW could work more. That's where all the "busted" comments on this thread came from.

Gobbolino6 · 11/02/2016 11:00

If I were your friend, I'd think you were a bit of a cow.

sassymuffin · 11/02/2016 13:35

OP you do not know the inns and outs of why your partners ex wife doesn't work full time. You say she has child care because you have been chatting to your fellas mum and dad and they have said they would look after them.

OP You have been dating this man for 18mths, you have left numerous comments on this forum about your "step daughter" and her behavior and also a dig at your partners ex wife with a snarky comment about how mothers act in their own interests to manipulate their children.

This thread is a thinly veiled excuse to try to justify the fact you want your fella to pay less child support.

OWN IT

Sonnet · 11/02/2016 13:53

Fair enough Paxillin

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